Hello! Sorry this isn't really a chapter but I didn't know where else to put this, so moving along...
After writing the first 6 chapters of my story, I've come to the conclusion that it sucks! But... in a good way! Since it was my first time writing (sorry for using that as an excuse) I didn't have much of a plan or clear idea on what and how to write, but.... I've learnt a few more things from writing a bit (I hope) and so am looking to redo my story.
Thus far I have restructured the first chapter and added what I think is called a prologue, thus I'm looking for some opinions on what I've done to see if I'm on the right track. Admittedly, I haven't changed much, but I want to see if I'm on the right track.
My goals for what I've done so far were to: be more interesting and try "hook" readers, and increase the pace of the story so I can get to the "good" bits faster.
So opinions on whether I've achieved or come close to my goals are what I'd like, however any other opinions with regard to what I've written are welcome. I don't mind harsh criticism if it's constructive, so feel free to tell me it's crap so long as you give me a reason! Thank you to anyone who replies!
----------------------------------------
Prologue:
In a dark and secluded room, a man laid on the ground with a woman standing a couple metres from him.
“What is this *gasp* Sasha! What did you do?!”
“No-nothing! I swear!”
The man wore a dark robe, and was surrounded by an array of sigils which flashed haphazardly. Each flash illuminated the room for a split second, and simultaneously caused him to convulse, as he was wracked with pain that pulsed through his body.
“Do *gasp* something!”
The man faced the woman, his eyes bloodshot, and threatening to pop out of their sockets.
“I-”
The woman called Sasha covered her mouth out of instinct to prevent herself from puking, the convulsing form of the man proving to be far too repulsive for her.
“I can’t.”
Taking another look at the man, his mouth now laid stretched open, and his skin had turned deathly pale. His body still convulsed with each flash, however he no longer spoke or gasped. It was if the life had been sucked out of him, and all that remained was his body, frozen in a position in which he would eternally be tormented.
Sasha had only stood aside and watched. Unable, or perhaps unwilling to help the man as his very soul was torn from his body.
“Please forgive me…” said Sasha, her lips quivering.
Turning to look away from her master’s now lifeless body, Sasha left the room, and as she stepped out the door she said one last thing.
“I’ll see you soon.”
----------------------------------------
Chapter 1 - The Start of Something:
For the suburbs of a city it was a warm summer morning, the wind was blowing crisp air, and the sun was rising over the horizon. A simple scene which could definitely be described as tranquil.
BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP -
“...Urrghhh…”
Keyword being “could.” If not for the sound of a grumbling youth being forced out of bed, one would be able to appreciate such a scene more. Sadly, this wasn’t the case.
The rustling of blankets brings attention back to the figure of the young man who is gradually, and without a doubt grumpily, coming to terms with the fact that he is being pulled into the world of the awake.
In denial the youth covered himself up even more with his blanket; an act of resistance towards his waking mind, no doubt in order to get more sleep. But as fate would have it, the forces acting to pull him into the world of the awake had already prepared for this, and played their favourite card.
“Leo wake up, I don’t want you inside the house all day again,” said the youth's mother.
“But it’s the holiday and it’s -” Leo took a quick glance at his alarm clock.
“-It’s 6:30!” replied Leo.
“I don’t care, I’m not having you stay inside all day for the rest of your holiday, at least go out for a walk,” said Leo’s mother.
To encourage her son, Leo’s mother opened the curtains letting light from the rising sun into the room; however, seeing this wasn’t enough to get Leo out of bed, she yanked his blankets off of him as well. This finally got him moving.
“So bright…” mumbled Leo, whilst hiding his eyes behind his hand.
“Oh stop complaining, you’re not a vampire, and go have a shower before your brother wakes up,” replied Leo’s mother with a hint of irritation in her voice.
The sound of the door to Leo’s room closing signaled his mother’s departure from the room, and after a couple more minutes, Leo began to properly get out of bed.
‘As if I’m letting my brother use the shower before me.’
Around twenty minutes later the sound of footsteps could be heard as Leo descended down the stairs into the first floor. Leo’s mother took a look at her son, whose actual name was Leon Faucher, as he walked into the kitchen to have breakfast.
With a head of short midnight black hair, and a pair of dark brown eyes, Leo gave off the image of your average joe. Aside from his slightly above average height, Leo didn’t have any features that would make him stand out, - which he was personally grateful for - much to the discontent of his mother. He wore his usual setup of a light gray t-shirt and darker shorts that sat just above the knee.
Although Leo’s mother felt proud of Leo as he’d made it into university for the next semester, his lack of responsibility still troubled her. During high school he’d never gotten a job, joined any sports or co-curricular activities, or even made an effort to go out with his friends. She knew everyone was different, but her sons behaviour still troubled her, and as his mother she wondered if maybe she went wrong somewhere in bringing him up? He seemed to have a very big interest in hanging out with himself in his room all day.
She stopped her thoughts about her son's apparent reclusive behaviour to greet him. It wasn’t the first time she’d had these thoughts.
“Morning Leo.”
“Morning mum, how are you?” replied Leo, making small talk.
“I’m good, sleep well?” replied his mother, with a slight tease in her voice.
“Yeh...” replied Leo, still grumpy about the events this morning.
A smile formed on Leo’s mother's face due to her son’s immature behaviour, no matter how old someone got, some things just never changed.
“There’s cereal in the cupboard and milk in the fridge, or you could make some toast-,” said Leo’s mother, before being interrupted by her son.
“I know,” replied Leo, clearly used to this scene.
Thirty minutes later, Leo had finished eating breakfast and left the house on the walk his mother asked him to go on. In reality he’d tried to stall until his mother left for work, but sadly for him his mother was being extra persistent this time, and shoved him out the door without a key. She’d told him, “come back in an hour and I’ll let you in.”
Without a chance to refute his mother's demand, Leo grumpily started his walk.
‘She doesn’t actually expect me to walk around for an hour does she?’
And so, Leo walked.
When there were only another 5 minutes left until he could return home, he started to head back.
The number of cars on the road had gone up since he left; people were rushing to get to work as well as take their kids to school. Since his family’s home was situated at the top of a fairly busy T-junction he was used to seeing this much traffic in the morning.
Leo was currently walking along the left side of the road, approaching said junction from the bottom. He took a left when he got to the junction, heading towards a zebra crossing; he himself had no intention of jaywalking through this much traffic.
As he approached the zebra crossing he came to a stop to check that it was clear to cross; seeing that traffic from his left and right had stopped he began crossing the road.
At the same time Leo started crossing, another pedestrian tried to rush across the road at the bottom of the junction, forgetting to check their right and so thinking it was clear, a piercing cry could be heard as a car screeched and swerved to their left to dodge the pedestrian. Narrowly dodging said pedestrian, the driver heaved a sigh of relief.
This all happened in a split second, and the pedestrian, lucky for them, continued to rush across the road reaching the other side in one piece. The event had caught Leo’s attention as well causing him to momentarily slow down as he crossed the road, after which he continued to cross at his normal pace.
The sound of another vehicle screeching to Leo’s right could be heard; however, this time the sound was much louder to Leo’s ears, and he instinctively turned his head to the right to check what it was.
A car was headed straight for him. He tried to run, but with one leg still in the air he fell over as his head went into overdrive. All Leo could do was look up at the car and driver inside of it before everything went black.
----------------------------------------
‘What the fuck is this.’
Leo felt like his life was a train that had just derailed off a bridge, tumbled around a bit, split into pieces, been eaten by a flock of giant vultures, then caught by an eagle that fed them and his life to it’s kids, then thrown back onto another train track in a carriage without any wheels and a ton of people onboard telling him to “haul ass.”
Understand any of that? Did it make any sense? No? Now you know how he felt.
‘If I recall, I got hit by a car and died… didn’t I?’
Despite the fact Leo had died, he was still here. Just what “here” meant however was beyond his comprehension.
‘So I must be dead, but I’m not. That’s just fucking terrific, and why is it so dark?’
All Leo could see was pitch black darkness. He wasn’t sure if he’d lost his sight, there wasn’t any light or there actually wasn’t anything at all. It disturbed him, and it didn’t end there, he couldn’t hear, feel, taste or smell anything either. It all added up to create a seemingly empty feeling in him. Normally these senses were so common to him that they almost became intrusive, but now that he was without them, the lack thereof made him feel abnormal instead.
‘Maybe this is what happens when people die?’
Given some time Leo noticed that it wasn’t just his usual senses of touch, sight, smell, taste and hearing that were missing, but everything else as well. He didn’t get hungry or tired, nor did he feel hot or cold. His ability to perceive time was gone as well, he had no idea how long he had been here anymore as time didn’t seem to move at all.
The story has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.
‘So this is what it’s like to be immortal, boring as fuck. I actually wish I really was dead now.’
A lot of time passed, and for all Leo knew the state he was in wasn’t going to change any time soon. At first he’d felt angry, but with nothing to direct his anger at it quickly changed to sadness as he thought about everything he’d lost. Leo didn’t know many people closely, but that didn’t mean there weren't many people he cared about, his mother, brother and few friends called Jason and Alyssa he had known fairly closely and missed hearing their voices.
‘It’s kinda pathetic huh… I only realise how much I want to be with people after I lose them…’ is what Leo had thought at the time.
Much like Leo’s anger however, eventually even his sadness passed, and he was left feeling nothing other than boredom and a desire for “this” to be over. He’d come to the conclusion that he was in Limbo, a place in between life and death, and that he was now just a consciousness stuck there without a chance of leaving any time soon.
Thus, as time continued to pass by, Leo’s mind went silent. With nothing to think about, and no hope for the foreseeable future, he had lost the will to think, content with just remaining in silence until the end of eternity.
That is, until the sudden occurrence of an anomaly in Limbo.
Thump Thump-
After an unknown amount of time, a sound invaded Leo’s mind; taunting him, willing him to have thoughts he didn’t want. Thoughts which he’d given up on long ago.
Thump Thump-
The sound didn’t stop, and it never did.
As time passed, Leo found himself becoming more accustomed to the sound, he also found himself becoming reliant on it. It gave him something to sync his thoughts to, a way for him to remember that maybe there was more than just desolation in his future. Perhaps there was a chance he could get out of Limbo… he just had to be patient.
Thump Thump-
When the next anomaly came, it was much more subtle, and so Leo took much longer to notice.
‘It’s getting brighter.’
As if his acknowledgement set off an alarm, beams of light cut and pierced through the eternal darkness he had become so used to; the endless void which shaped Limbo fell apart before him, sending his mind into turmoil.
He had no time to recover from what was happening before him, as the darkness got swept away by a blinding, warm light which filled his vision.
----------------------------------------
In the outskirts of a kingdom, the flash of lightning illuminated the sky, as it zipped through the harsh whistling wind to whip the ground in delight. The crackling roar of thunder followed after it, tearing through the stormy night time sky into the ears of the unfortunate victims caught in the unforeseen force of nature.
At the center of the storm sat a small village, forced to endure the battering winds and torrents of rain. Some of the villagers, knowing their poorly made homes had no chance of surviving, had chosen to hunker down in the only building with a chance of sheltering them, a small cottage with stone walls and a thatched roof.
Among the 15 villagers squeezed into the cottage, there sat a woman, her white skin had a slight tan to it much like the rest of the villagers, and her brunette hair was lightly bleached from working in the sun. Her eyes were just as ordinary, a dark shade of brown, however, what brought attention to her was her round, protruding belly.
The woman sat on a wooden chair, her head facing down and shoulders rising and falling as the sound of her ragged breathing could be faintly heard.
“I’m here for you Honey,” said a masculine voice, likely the woman's partner.
In reply the woman turned her head upwards to look into the man's eyes. She didn’t need to say anything, the man could tell just from the look in her eyes. She felt scared. As a response the man held the woman's hands, whispering words of comfort into her ears.
The man knew there was nothing he could do to stop what he could see coming. His wife would give birth to their child tonight, and it frightened him as much as it frightened her.
“MARIA I NEED YOUR HELP!” cried the man, making sure that the people in the cottage could hear him over the sound of the storm.
The other people in the cottage were not unaware of what had been going on, they knew that the woman's child would be due any time soon, and the woman's ragged breathing had easily convinced them that the time had come. Albeit, the threat of the storm was foremost in their thoughts, and so they had been too worried to offer the woman any comfort.
The shouting of the woman’s partner had got them moving, and a small path cleared to allow the woman called Maria to get to the man’s partner.
The older woman called Maria took a quick look at the other woman before saying something.
“Gerald, we need to move Ella to the bed,” said Maria.
Acknowledging what Maria said, Gerald picked up Ella and carried her to the cottages bed, it didn’t take long considering the cottage wasn’t large, but the other people in the cottage had to move out of the way which required a bit of shuffling.
“Well?” said Gerald, only seeking to confirm what he knew was coming.
“She’s going to have the baby Gerald,” replied Maria in a solemn tone.
Gerald’s grip on his wife’s hand tightened, whether he was trying to reassure her or himself that everything would be ok, he didn’t know. It would be a painful birth, and all he could do was be by Ella’s side. How much this meant to Ella however… he could only tell from the look in her eyes.
As time passed, Ella gave birth to her child, and with it, the storm raging around them vanished.
----------------------------------------
‘I feel… I feel?!’
Leo liked to think that having spent so long in an endless void he would be at least somewhat immune to getting surprised, but what he was experiencing right now exceeded everything he had thought of.
‘Warm… moist… small… wait a second… small?!’
It goes without saying that Leo was having another “what the fuck is this” moment, however, this time he didn’t feel angry. The sudden entrance of his senses made him feel something he never expected to feel ever again.
‘Am I… crying?’
Just as Leo thought, the sound of a baby's cry was ringing in his ears, but his cry was not to be taken as him being sad, no, it was the exact opposite. He felt beyond happy - so happy that all he could do to express it is cry.
His cry did not go unheard though, and as he cried in joy he felt someone’s hands gently hold him. Despite the loss of the blinding light in his vision, his eyes were still blurry, and so he could only faintly see the image of a woman with brunette hair, and dark brown eyes. The woman held him against her chest, looking at him straight in the eye.
‘So this would be my mum… she looks… normal.’
Leo’s thoughts about his mum were not meant to sound rude or ungrateful, no, he really did feel ecstatic to know that he had been reborn, and as the child of a human who looked completely normal as well.
‘It’s good to know I’m not a fly.’
‘Though, if I had the option of being a fly or staying in Limbo, I'd be the happiest fly to ever live.’
As the woman held Leo against her chest, he heard a sound, a sound which had carried his mind through the hopelessness of Limbo.
Thump Thump-
The heartbeat of the woman who held him soothed his rampaging emotions, silencing his cry until all he could focus on was the gentle rocking of the woman's arms, and the affectionate look in her eyes.
“I love you,” whispered the woman in a quiet, but sweet voice.
It only took Leo a moment to think of how he wanted to respond.
‘I love you too.’
However, since his body was still that of a newborn, all that came out of his mouth was a cute attempt at making sound.
“What should we call him Honey?” spoke another voice, in a more masculine and louder volume than the woman’s.
‘I guess that’s my dad, he sounds… buff?’
Leo didn’t know how to describe his father’s voice, after a few seconds he just settled for the next thing that came to mind.
‘Manly, that’s definitely the right word.’
The discussion of Leo’s new name didn’t end though, and during the few seconds he’d been thinking, his parents had been thinking as well.
“How about Semaj?” said Leo’s mother.
“Oh c’mon Ella, do you want the kid to get bullied?” said Leo’s father. “Give him something strong, like Xaj!”
Leo was mentally cringing at the mention of the two potential names.
‘Please just call me something normal…’
“Gerald don’t be silly.”
‘Yes, Dad listen to my mum!’
“Um… how about Lewis then? Sounds pretty normal to me,” said Gerald, whilst scratching his head in thought.
At the sound of the name “Lewis,” Leo made as good a sound as he could form with his still new body. To the others in the room, they heard a high pitched giggle like sound from the child Ella held.
“I think he likes it Gerald,” said Ella, as she gazed into her child's eyes.
“Hmph, of course he does! He’s my son after all,” replied Gerald, with a smug look on his face.
Ella rolled her eyes, she could only hope her son would grow to be more dignified than his father.
“We’ll call him Lewis then, he does seem to like it after all,” concluded Ella.
Unknown to the two new parents, Leo - who will now be called Lewis - was mentally sighing in relief.
“He’ll make a fine Wulf, I’m sure of it Honey,” said Gerald, in a more serious tone as he looked Ella in the eye.
Ella's Lips formed into a smile as she prepared to say something. She never stopped gazing into Lewis’ eyes, refusing to break the bond between the two of them.
“Welcome to the family Lewis Wulf.”