Death was not warm. It was roughly room temperature and smelled like disinfectant .And it felt like a low thread count over top of an inflatable mattress. Kind of itchy too. My brow furrowed. Confused at the sensation of my brow, it furrowed more before my eyes shot open. Clinical fluorescent lights burned my frozen eyes. Sleek metallic surfaces glinted under the lights from above. All sorts of monitors and screens lined the walls; some displaying vitals while others were simply for decoration. The walls were a metallic silver and appeared to be completely seamless, not a single corner or edge in sight. The technology seemed almost alien. The metallic silver flashed green as I stared at it and a holographic projections played across the wall.
"Initializing calming protocol. Happy-tranquil-field-1™ selected."
My confusion multiplied as a green pasture materialized in front of me. Birds chirped and a few cows grazed on rolling hills in a projection the size of a pillow at my eye level. A cartoonish smiling sun beamed down at me. One of the cows looked up at me. It had rosy cheeks and a neon blue afro wig. I had time to register confusion before it opened its mouth.
"You sure seem like you could use some delicious protein! My name is Beefy Petey and I'm here to help you recover!"
"What the fuck is happening." I whispered.
"Please eat me! You'll never feel as good as ClownBurger™ good!" I watched in horror as the holo cow bounded happily towards what looked like a wood chipper I hadn't noticed in the corner.
"What- NO!"
It jumped in with an exaggerated leap and apparent glee, blood and gore spewing out and covering the previously pristine green pasture as something small came out of the other end and grew in size as it floated to the center of the holo. It grew and grew and as it got bigger I could make out a cheeseburger dripping with grease taking up the majority of the projection. Beefy Petey's smiling face, dripping with in blood appeared next to it.
"You'll need some nutrition to recover, PATIENT 5213. Order now!"
In the corner of my room, a figure chuckled lightly and then stood up from their chair. He seemed oddly dressed with neon green hair styled into a mohawk and what looked like a cigarette with a colorful LED changing end. He strode towards me, feet clanging against the floor reminding me of the metal catwalk from the factory.Without saying a word, he took a long drag on his e-cig and blew out a vapor cloud thick enough to obscure his face. It changed colors from green to blue to pink and even rainbow hues. The smell changed too - from cloves to mint to cotton candy - making me dizzy in an instant. He leaned forward and the vapor parted, revealing a cybernetic eye peering down at me from his left eye socket.
"Welcome back to the land of the living, gramps."
He leaned forward with one hand behind his back, e-cig still hanging out the side of his smile, and casually extended his hand.
"The names Brock $t0ne, but I guess you could also call me the sucker who saved your life."
I stared at Brock, mouth agape, still trying to process the burger ad. I instinctually took his hand and shook it.
"Uhhh..You got a name, gramps?"
I didn't register what he said as my gaze fixed on his cybernetic eye. Was it zooming in an out? What were those pieces whirring around it for? Why was it changing colors? Did this guy just really like rainbows?
Brock seemed to sense my confusion and patted my hand in a friendly manner. "Don't worry, Gramps, I'll explain everything to you. But first, we gotta get you the hell out of this hospital before they figure out who to bill."
That caught my attention. I stared at Brock with a mixture of confusion and gratitude. He had saved my life? How? I tried to speak, but my throat was dry and scratchy. Brock noticed my distress and handed me a glass of water from the bedside table. I gratefully gulped it down, feeling the cool liquid soothe my parched throat. It was disturbingly citrus flavored the first gulp.
"Thank you," I croaked. "What happened?"
"You were lucky, Gramps. I was streaming a video of me exploring the old abandoned ice cream factory before BeyondCow takes it over and demolishes the whole place. I found the vat of 100-year-marmawhatever, opened it up and whaddya know I find you on the outer edge of the stuff. That stuff tastes like diesel by the way. Anyways, imagine my surprise when I see your ugly mug frozen in the ice cream looking back at me.”
He mimed being mushed up against the edge of a container with squinty eyes…eye and his tongue sticking out in a bad imitation of a frozen zombie.
“I think I coulda gone viral just from having a genuine reaction for once, but you turned out to be a goddammed lithium mine for my view count."
"Abandoned?"
"Oh yeah, that thing hasn't been used for decades. It's in the middle of contested territory between BeyondCow and Clowbu-"
"Wait what do you mean decades? I worked security there just yest-" I trailed off.
Brock stared at me expectantly, one eyebrow cocked.
"It's 2226 Jack."
I clutched my water. I was having trouble processing all of this. That couldn't be right.
"So anyways, I carved you out with an ice cream scoop until I could drag you to the front. Took me forever I dropped a call to BeyondCow. I figured they'd treat you for free, seeing as how BeyondCow wanted someone from the old BeyondFood days to testify against the supposed horrors of animal based foods."
He paused. "That's you Jack. They want you to be their mouthpiece."
My eyes widened in disbelief as I latched onto something that grounded me in more familiar territory.
"You mean I’m only in the hospital because they want me to stay here and testify against meat?!"
One of my favorite hobbies was hunting. My house butted up to a big forest where I went all the time. Nothing made me happier than just walking out my back door for a weekend and coming back later with about 100 pounds of venison. I sure as hell wasn't going vegetarian. Not that I had anything against people who did, but shit I like meat.
"Yeah that's why they gave you the tofu lungs."
The statement hung in the air heavier than the vapor trailing from Brock's mouth.
"What."
"Oh yeah, breathing citrus ice cream ain't the best for you. Your lungs are tofu based. Cheapest lungs on earth. Guess BeyondCow don't think you're worth TOO much to talk to."
I stared at him in disbelief. My brain fizzled, turning the statement over again and again trying to make sense of it. I glanced down at my chest and noticed a thin scar down the middle of my chest.
"That's impossible, you can't just replace lungs with tofu."
Brock laughed. "Brother, its 2226. I could replace your lungs with tofu. Shit I could do way more than that. Half my channel is street surg projects."
"No."
"No?"
I stared unblinking while I tried to think. It felt like my brain was still in the vat that Brock dragged me out of.
"No."
"Can't say I'd be too keen on those tofu-nazis replacing my lungs with kibble grade synth-soy neither. Which is why you'll want to come with me."
He puffed his chest out and jabbed a thumb at his chest with a wicked grin.
"Unless you wanna stay here and go into debt for your tofu lungs?"
I didn't know half of what was going on, I didn't know how I could have survived falling in the vat of ice cream, I didn't know if I really believed what this cyborg was telling me. The only thing I did know was that there was no way I could afford the bill for this.
"Ok. I still don't believe you. But I can't afford a hospital bill. Get me out of here so I can sneak back home and figure this out."
"Not so fast, orgo. I saved your life getting you out of that marma cream crap and went viral. If I get you out, you stream another video with me."
"Won't that just get me caught immediately? Plus I fucking hate social media! No way, dude!"
The narrative has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.
"Not if we leave the neutral zone and leg it to ClownBurg territory."
"How the fuck is going to a drive-through going to get me out of medical debt!?" I nearly shouted.
Brock made a shushing motion and hissed at me.
"Jesus you froze when America was still a thing. ClownBurg is like....like a country now, gramps! We go over the border and get the fuck away from the tofu-nazis."
I froze again trying to digest what Brock had said, before giving up. I didn't care anymore. I could figure this all out once I got out of the hospital and got away from this lunatic.
"Ok sure, whatever. How do I get out?"
He beamed at me and stuck out his hand.
"Partners?"
I shook.
"Partners." I said, intending to flee at the first possible opportunity.
Brock pulled a backpack out and unzipped it. I watched as he grabbed a neon blue afro attached to a white and yellow head.
"Oh dude, no. No. No way man, no!" I wailed.
"Come on, Jack! I thought you liked Beefy Petey!" He wore a proud smile like he had just graduated medical school with honors.
"Put this on and no one will recognize you as you walk out."
I took the costume from him hesitantly, not believing I was going to do this. But what other way did I have? As I put on the costume, Brock grabbed my hand and dragged me out of the hospital bed. I stumbled to shaky feet about as coordinated as a newborn calf and let Brock lead me out of the room. I looked down through the eyes of Petey I saw I had been stripped of my uniform and wore only a hospital gown and grippy socks. My legs itched from the low thread count and it got worse as Brock tossed me that rest of the costume. I glanced around the room hoping to see my phone, but all I saw was the bedside table with water, a bedpan, and some lotion. I grabbed the lotion, squirted a glob of it into my palms, and began to work it into my legs. I instantly felt better.
"Gramps, seriously? We gotta go man!"
"Fuck that man, I have eczema. I can't go anywhere without this stuff!" I waved the bottle at him threateningly.
"Fine, whatever just hurry up." He glanced out the door as I slipped into the costume. "Ok, I'm going first. You follow my lead to the elevators. If anyone asks, you got lost on the way to the children ward. It’s across from the psych ward on the second floor"
I nodded and the weight of the blue afro jostled the cow head forward. Brock slipped out and I watched from behind cow eye slits as he made his way down the hallway. It was brightly lit with linoleum floor. The walls featured the same wall-screen like feature from my room, flashing photographs of patients in various stages of healing and smiling for the camera. The hospital smell lingered in the air, a mix of sanitizing agents and antiseptic. I guess some things never change. I started walking down the hallway, feeling a little shaky at first. I guess that's normal if you haven't used your muscles in over a century. Maybe the costume would hide the tremors. Up ahead a woman in a white coat rounded the corner and abruptly stopped, confusion and shock apparent from her expression. She wore a pair of what looked like lab glasses that flashed text and charts across them and I prayed they weren't analyzing me. I tensed as I considered my next move. I could get past her, but I didn't want to shove a doctor out of my way. Then I remembered what Brock had said.
"I, uh, got lost on the way to the children's ward."
A grin spread across her face and she chuckled.
"The elevator is down the hall and to the right, Petey."
I thanked her and continued walking. I heard the clop of her shoes down the hall and a knock on the door at the end of the hall.
"Good news, popsicle man, the operation was a suc-..."
I began walking more quickly. I came to the end of the hall which opened up to a nurses station. I almost stopped dead in my tracks as I saw displays floating above desks with my physical monitor showing medical records, and patient information. The nurses station was a full-fledged command center with holographic displays, voice-activated commands, and what appeared to be augmented reality headsets for the staff. Above their heads, small displays that reminded me of a text notification on my phone floated denoting room numbers and heart rate, blood pressure, and other vitals. One of them was flashing red with no numbers displayed. Several of the staff stopped what they were doing to stare at me. I glanced about and found elevators on my right as promised.
"So uh, you missing from the children's ward or the psych ward?"
A chorus of laughter from behind me. I was sweating bullets. My heart was pounding in my chest as I pressed the button and waited for the doors to open
"Haha, yeah I'm off to the children's ward now."
The elevator opened and there were several people already inside. I stepped in and looked for buttons but there were none.
"You, uh, going somewhere?" a nurse looked up at me.
"Oh uh, yes I'm trying to get to the children's ward."
After I finished speaking, a display flashed green where I would have expected buttons to be.
"Children's ward, 2nd floor" The elevator chimed.
Understanding washed over the nurses display, and she went back to perusing the patient charts on her goggles. As we started moving, I thought I had escaped until I heard a few pings go off on the nurse's station displays. Everyone froze and looked around nervously.
"What was that?" Someone asked.
A woman in a white coat said, "We have a missing patient."
She glanced at me before continuing. "We need to check all floors for him immediately."
I felt my stomach drop as she spoke and my face flush with embarrassment. I was suddenly glad to be wearing the blue afro suicidal cow costume. The other passengers began buzzing about who could be missing, but all eyes seemed to be on me as if they knew who it was. I couldn't move, couldn't speak, just stood there like an idiot in my cow suit as the elevator continued its descent to the children's ward. Goddammit Brock, this was a stupid fucking idea.
The elevator dinged and the doors opened at the second floor. I saw a sign that said something about the children's ward and I hurriedly got off and started walking before I could fully read it to avoid suspicion. I walked down the hall and followed close enough behind staff to benefit from their security badge swipe. I shuffled in. I got about ten feet into the ward before I heard a small voice scream out "Beefy Petey!" from one of the rooms. A boy who looked to be about 16 with a chrome plate on the side of his head ran towards me, his arms open wide as if they were expecting to hug me.
"Haha, actually Beefy Petey needs to be goin- OW! Jeez kid, why did you bite me!"
The little fucker had bit me on the arm. I suppressed my instincts to avoid decking a small child and tried shaking him off.
The call of the child had alerted the others that prey had arrived. As if scenting a kill, patients of varying ages lined the doors of the ward which is when I noticed that nearly everyone except the boy who bit me was an adult. Each of them had a vacant look in their eyes, or at least the ones without cybernetics did.
“Oh look they finally got the Beefy Petey guy cleared for the psych ward, that’s great!”
In seconds, I was surrounded by zombified patients. The staff must have thought that I was just playing along and a few paused in their work to grin and watch them “play”. Which was really just me getting dogpiled by schizophrenics with an appetite for raw beef. I fell as the weight of them all brought my weak legs down. They were crawling and biting all over me. Pain blossomed like spring flowers across my body as I suffered bite after bite.
“JESUS CHRIST SOMEBODY HELP!”
I would surely have bite marks by the end of this. How was this normal? That Beefy Petey mascot must really play it up in all of his fucked up commercials if it was considered normal acceptable behavior to have people bite me. I managed to flip onto my stomach to try to crawl away. It was because of this that I was afforded a perfect view of the double doors I had come through open to reveal a notably more padded Beefy Petey walking towards me.
I wasn't certain, but I thought I saw confusion in his posture everyone laughed and swarmed him too. Just enough of them left me to allow movement. I tried pushing to my feet and one of the little gremlins grabbed the zipper in the back and it came down as I stood.
"Why does Petey have a hospital gown on like us?"
"The missing patient!"
"Security!"
I was caught. I could feel the mood in the room change immediately. A few of the patients were looking up at the commotion and then turned to look at me. Some of them realized the situation and others were too fixated on my better armored counterpart. I started running towards the double doors that led back into the hospital corridor. As I got closer, I saw that a security guard had burst through the doors and was barreling towards me. I’d like to say I punched him out and grabbed his badge to get out, but what actually happened is some bastard bit my leg from behind and I fell out of the way as the guard barreled past me. Flailing for balance, I nabbed his badge from his shirt.
I cut my losses and kicked the grown man who was attempting to cannibalize my calf, guilt forgotten. I jolted forward, juking patient and staff alike on pure adrenaline. I couldn't let them catch me. I slapped the badge against a scanner and bolted through the doors, scanning wildly for stairs. Up ahead to the left. I was almost there, so close to freedom. Just a few more steps. My body was dripping with sweat and lotion from being trapped in the cow costume and I could feel a breeze run across my back as I ran. My sweat had begun to seep through the cheap polyester. The guard had caught his balance and was in hot pursuit. No doubt he was gaining on me. I gritted my teeth and ran for all I was worth and I could see him reaching out to grab me as I slammed through the door and into the stairwell. Alarms blared as I must have pushed one of the fire alarm doors. I jumped down the steps three at a time and burst through the door with the security guard right behind me. I tried rounding a corner at a run and discovered the hard way that the floor must have been recently waxed. The guard who had been right on my tail must have been close to catching me as he tripped over my legs and went sprawling into the wall. I gingerly got to my feet and resumed my breakneck pace, bells ringing and lights flashing. Staff scrambled to get out of my way as I barreled through the first floor towards what I hoped was an exit. I heard shouting from behind me coming closer. I was so close, the exit loomed in front of me. At the last second, the security guard reached out and tackled me to the ground, clutching at my legs.
At that moment, several things happened in the span of a second. I instinctually shoved at the guard's grip on my fur covered legs, I had the wind knocked out of me as I hit the floor, and the zipper in the back of my costume went all the way down. I rocketed out of the now empty cow husk, squeezed out like toothpaste from a tube that had a bowling ball dropped on it. And I shot along towards the exit propelled by sweat, moisturizer, and wax. Looking back, I wish that the door hadn't opened in time for me because I experienced an abrupt change of friction as my back met concrete. I could've walked right back in to the hospital to check myself in for road rash, or at least that's what it felt like. Instead I rolled, got my Petey Beefy head turned around, and stumbled to my feet. I stood there for a moment, panting heavily, my heart pounding in my chest. My entire body was slick with sweat and my skin felt like it was on fire from the road burn. I looked around and saw a lobby full of people staring at me, stunned. I realized that I had made it outside. I stumbled turning around, my legs feeling weak and unsteady beneath me. Then, I heard a loud rumbling noise and saw a bright light coming towards me. As it got closer, I realized that it was a hover bike driven by Brock. He pulled up beside me and jumped off the bike with a grin.
"What are you doing here in your hospital gown with your bare ass to the wind?" He asked laughing as he took in my appearance.
“Shut the fuck up and drive.” was all I could manage as I hobbled onto the back of Brock's hoverbike.
He sped off and after a few seconds I blew out a sigh of relief. It lasted about half a second before I looked around at the amazing sights all around me. I didn’t know where I was, but the entire city seemed to be lit up by lasers and neon lights, with soaring skyscrapers that stretched up into an endless night sky filled with cars and drones. Vehicles flying through the air like birds and people walking along floating bridges suspended hundreds of feet above ground level. It was unlike anything I had ever seen before or could have imagined existing in my time. I nearly fell off looking up and clutched on tighter to Brock’s shoulders.
“Hang tight, Gramps. We gotta get you out of here before I can explain everything.”