I’m going to go ahead and piss off every religion on Earth. They were all wrong. It’s not like I have anything against them, hell, I was a devoted Christian until I had my faith taken away from me with a single wave of the hand. I was 34. I had been an author, and I was getting by with life. I wasn’t mega popular, but about half of my town had read my books. I had a girlfriend, and I had a dog named Kiemi, after my first laptop as a child. I had a car, too, my pride and joy. Well, I was proud of the engine. She could get up to 165 mph, although she looked kind of run down from the outside. But it was taken away from me.

I lived in a medium sized city, it was no Chicago, but it wasn’t a backwoods place where McDonalds was considered fine dining. It was called Sherry. Although this was where I was born, I died away from home.

I was on a business trip. Ok, ok, I was going to get an autograph for a book by my favorite author. It wasn’t the one I was hoping for, an ending to a trilogy, but it was instead a side story about one of the most mystical characters. The point is, I really wanted the author to sign it. So I left home, going to Houston, Texas for the book signing. And when I departed… well, when my soul departed, I still hadn’t gotten the book signed. I hadn’t even gotten to sightsee at all, because I was killed right after leaving the airport. I mean, seriously. I leave home, drive for an hour to find an airport in the next town over, fly for 3 hours, then I reach my destination. Can I say it? I really want to say it. Ok, to hell with it- literally. It was my final destination. Awkward silence. Hahaha, all a part of my diabolical scheme to kill off the people of the world with bad jokes and inappropriate puns. Begin operation now.

Where was I? Oh yeah, so I got off the plane, got my small overnight bag- even though I would be staying for 2 days. I was going to wear the clothes for both days. Yeah, you don’t want to mess with me- and I left the airport. I was finally in the city, heading to a 3-star hotel to crash in, called the State House Inn. Funny, I can’t remember the name of my cousins, but I can remember the name of the hotel that I never even ended up stepping a foot inside of.

Regardless, I was just walking towards the hotel, when a guy came out of an ally- I probably shouldn’t have been walking around an ally at night, but I was a country bumpkin who isn’t used to their being bad people in the world, so I died. Not sound very climactic to you? That’s because it wasn’t. There was no, “Tell my family… I love them…”. There never really is, I suppose. The guy- I can’t remember his face, even though he was probably the most important man in my life… that is, in ending it- stepped out of the darkness and with a rusty knife- he could at least be sanitary, right?!- and slit my throat. I don’t blame him. After all, I don’t know what circumstances he was in. He could be killing me and robbing me so that he could be feeding his diabetic child. There are lots of people with worse lives than me… excuse me, with worse deaths than me, and I can’t control that. So who cares! Plus, without him killing me, I wouldn’t be able to write this amazing book that would surely be a best seller if it ever hit my world, about my adventures!

So anyway, I died, but things didn’t happen instantly. My soul waited for a bit, as if unsure, before finally floating away. But it didn’t go into the sky. It went down. I was going to hell.

Maybe that sounds a bit dramatic. What I mean is, we all go to hell. Sorry. This is where I expect a lot of you to stop reading due to religious purposes, but please bear with me. You see, heaven and hell do exist- take that, Atheists- but there is a tiny difference between reality and belief. Heaven and hell are one and the same. Well, rather, it is not a believed, ‘if you sacrifice to the gods on every solstice then you go to heaven’ or, ‘as long as you are a good person, and believe in god, you go to heaven’. It’s much different.

But, just to tick your off, I won’t tell you what heaven and hell are like yet, but I will at least tell you what the heaven/hell mix is called. The gods- yes, there are multiple, sorry, monotheists- named it the Necropolis.

And yes, all gods are that dramatic. Don’t ask me how I know, that’s for later. To get back on track, I was drifting down through the earth, when I felt a tugging sensation. It wasn’t on my body though; it wasn’t even physical. It felt like my brain was urging me to go somewhere, like I had to go there. My soul image/myself- wait… why was I an antelope?! It’s probably something like ‘I was an antelope in a past life’ or ‘the antelope resonates with my soul’. I don’t know, even after all that’s happened, the universe is too strange to be comprehended.

Are you starting to think I’m absent minded yet? Because if you are, then… screw you! My book, I’m writing what I damn well please. So if you want to keep reading, be my guest, just put up with my side notes and snide remarks. Even if you’re right, it’s still hurtful.

This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

So… drifting through the earth… spirit antelope being pulled to an unknown world… a bunch of stuff I’m too lazy to record… and now I’m ruler of a universe that still sends disasters my way just to irritate me… just kidding… well… for some of it. Towards the beginning of my adventure as a spirit antelope, I was just drifting through a bunch of odd colors that reminded me of the time vortex from Doctor Who- you should watch it, I’m at least 3000 years old, I’ve lost count, and I still love it-. Eventually, shapes started to be formed from the colors, turning into people I knew and places I’d been. I even saw myself once, just a glimpse. Mostly it seemed like memories I had of my own, quiet life. I couldn’t help but be curious, but after hours of flipping through my dull life, I got bored. Although I didn’t remember most of it, so it was new, my life and my reality was not a TV show.

The colors started growing brighter, although it didn’t hurt my spirit antelope’s eyes, and started compressing majorly, leaving behind black nothingness, while a pinprick of pure white light floated before me.

I suddenly felt a humongous suction coming from the white light, as if it was a reverse black hole, and I was sucked in. Where I’d found myself after-words was shocking. It was like a judge’s court, without the jury, so a bench trial. But instead of a podium, there was just a man standing there. Did I mention that his skin glowed blue? Well, that’s probably because he doesn’t. His skin glowed red, yellow, and orange, with the colors distorting like a flame. He held in his hand the same white bead that I had come in through. I noticed that I was back in my human spirit form, but…

“That’s odd, normally people appear clothed, because that’s what’s most natural to them. Do you have any odd tendencies that I should be aware of, that somehow eluded the spirit orb?” I was naked. And apparently I was very natural being naked. Granted, I didn’t feel all that awkward being in front of some celestial fire spirit immortal person thingy.

“Umm… I don’t think I do anything too weird… uh… and you are?” I deflected. I admit it. I admit that I deflected, and I refuse to admit to anything else.

He smiled calmly, like this was all normal. “Anyway, so this is the orb containing all of your memories and impacts on the world, blah, blah blah, blah blah. Reading it, I judge that you shall start off with an ability to know all languages immediately and instinctively, and the ability to enrage people with a bad joke. You have a major earth affinity for being a mage, and a major spatial affinity for becoming a warrior. Your minor affinities for becoming a mage include water and life, and for becoming a warrior, fire and wind. Remember that, will you? Also, due to your complete lack of guilt for anything you do, I grant you the title, Shameless, which will be marked down on your history. To explain what this is, it is the afterlife. Known to the gods as the Necropolis, and to the dead as hell. There are 9 levels of hell, you must overcome each. Level 9 is the easiest level to overcome, and they get harder as you get closer to 1. Once you overcome all 9, you are sent to the 10th level that is separate from the other 9, known to the dead as heaven, and to the gods as home. Once you make it to level 10, you become a god, with a varying power level. For example, I used to be a salamander, but my soul overcame the 9 levels of hell, and I became a fire affinity warrior god upon reaching the 10th level. Now I am gatekeeper, sending new souls to the 9th level of the Necropolis. Because I like how natural you are through all of this, I will give you the extra ability of . Due to extra surveying of your life style, I will upgrade the skill to enrage people with bad jokes, and make it so that you can influence any kind of mood with words, and with potent enough words, enthrall a victim into the emotion your words generated. They won’t be able to leave the state unless you use words for an opposite effect. However, not only does the person need to have a weaker will than you, if the wrong words are picked then the opposite effect will occur. That will be all, I am now sending you into the 9th level of the Necropolis. See you when you become a god. Or when you’re reincarnated and then die again.” Woah. Wait… wait… processing… okay, got it. The afterlife wasn’t as expected, rather, you had to defeat the 9 levels of hell to reach heaven, only power will help you. Although, I was curious as well. What tribulations would I have to overcome to defeat the levels?

Also, I kind of loved some of my abilities. For example, I could enthrall people with words?! How cool was that! I’m pretty sure that I was given a bone there, if I got this, then what would great poets receive? A Dementia title? Or is that just the ones that I read? Whatever.