First time creating a table on royal road, so I will probably have to go back and edit it to make it turn out straight, so bear with me till then.
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As I squatted there in terror at the thought of spending the rest of my life in a bedazzled thong, I hear a commotion coming from the podium at which the king spoke. “Make way, make way peasants!” hollered the king as he frantically wiggled his body through the summoned crowding around me. “Great one, please forgive this one’s arrogance for summoning you, I beseech your forgiveness!” wheezed the king as he sunk into a bow, lower, and lower in front of me. Almost a dogeza, except for one problem. HE IS BOWING IN BETWEEN MY LEGS! There is a child summoned please stop, I am not into kickstarting a child sexual education!
Why is he bowing, why are the others summoned following his example, and why do I feel like I am the only one being weird here? ! What great one, you’re looking at my overweight body, small eyes, double chin, and a permanent furrowed brown that makes me always look like I am about ready to punch someone. I am following their gaze and realize they aren’t looking at me as a person all they can truly see the cloth that covers my crotch. What kind of culture is this?!
The crowd breaks into a clamor, the audience behind the windows suddenly rushing to follow their king in bowing in front of me. In a hushed voice, still squatting with my legs spread I say “Please stop bowing, I am going to die of shame if you keep this on”. They don’t move. I once again ask them to raise they heads for me and they do. Hearing the nobles murmur things such as “His virtue is unprecedented, such humility for one so great.”, “To have witnessed such beauty I can die happy.”, and “I grieve I only have sons, perhaps the great one would accept my son as his bride?”.
Oi, I heard that one you know. Why is the first thing he wanted was to set me up with his son?! I have questions here damnit! Only to find my answer from a voice suddenly appearing in my head, “And the mortals bow before the pervert, his charisma overflowing to the heavens to where even the gods stare at his majesty. His idiotic face betraying the stupidity within, not understanding the sheer power his thong has granted him. However, he fails to see the little girl with her face warped in horror, eyeing him like the scum of the Earth that he is, immune to the charm of his divine apparel due to her “Anti-Social” title.”
I turn my head just to find a little girl looking at me like she just found me in the middle of defiling all her childhood dreams. Like I had just killed Santa, and was in the middle of eating Rudolph, she saw me for how I really looked, and she didn’t want to see any damn more of it. Looking into my eyes her face turns green, and she spews all over a woman in finery, with a golden tiara. She in turn vomits on those in front of her, and the cycle continues, until the king himself has just vomited on my crotch. After which he beams with pride and proclaims to the room he is knighting me as “Sir Shagoomp” after his grandfather due to my noble and valorous aura.
I hear a whisper in my head say:
“Congratulations you have obtained the title “Sir Shagoomp”, please check your status for an overview of its effects”.
“God damn it, its one of those bullshit clichés!” I roar, only to hear the voice a second time.
“Congratulations you have obtained the title “A1 Grade Pervert”, we apologize for the delay, we simply couldn’t process the event and had to create a new title, just for you! Please check your status for an overview of its effects”.
A case of content theft: this narrative is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.
So I am sitting in a room of people bowing to my leg spread squatting self, in a room covered in vomit as they see me as some sort of greater being. This is my punishment, this is my hell. I begin crying, knees weak, legs spaghetti, and fall backward spectacularly. I take the fetus position and simply pass out from high blood pressure.
I awake in a grand room, only to find the king in the same bed sleeping next to me. My ass clenches in horror, hoping that I was simply brought to his room. I begin blubbering, waking up the other occupant of the bed. He looks at me like I am scum, completely different from his previous behavior. Then it hit me, the bedsheets are still covering the lower half of my body, blocking my shame from view.
The words of the king sound sharply in my ear as he has a red face realizing the way he acted in the summoning chamber “Listen here bastard! Don’t get cocky just because we were all too caught up at the sight of our treasure and knighted you, you know nothing of how this world works! Now say “Status” and let me look at my newest ugly knights power, before I send you with the other squad of knights made up of people like you!”
NameRaceLvl: 000 - 1Artemis "Shagoomp" MooreHuman?Basic Stats:
Strength: 130 Agility: 290
Endurance: 17 Luck: 800
Itelligence: 68 Wisdom: 34Titles:
Sir Shagoomp, Its Alive?, Forever Alone,
A1 Grade Pervert, Narrators Curse, Beer Bellied Shifty Eyed Adonis,
ClicheSoul Bound Equipment:
Reaper's Sunday Scythe, Divine Robe of the Flasher,
The Thong of DestinyAdvanced Stats:
Charisma: 62000 S.M.I.L.E.S: 2
Divinity: 9001
Why are these titles a thing?! Why is my equipment setting me up for becoming the most well known man on the continent, I won’t even be able to hide my shame. Wanted posters won’t even feature my face, they’ll just feature a description of my thong!
I look at the king numbly as he waits to hear what my status is. I look him straight in the eye with dull eyes that look like they’ve seen all the horrors in the world, lean closer to his face and say “I’m going back to bed”. Today has been a long day.