I know the trope, some loser gets hit by a truck, meets an angel or some other kind of cosmic entity who offers them a new life as some sort of “chosen one,” and wakes up in a fantasy world with elves and goblins that somehow operates like a roleplaying game.

I should be so lucky.

Okay, sure, I got the goblins and RPG mechanics, but instead of a quick death by vehicular collision I slowly withered away for six months with an inoperable brain tumor. I’ll spare you the details of the chemotherapy, and the radiation, and my insurance finally giving out, I know you’d rather hear about what happened after I finally croaked.

I also don’t recall meeting any kind of psychopomp who could give me a warning about what was in store for me. Rather I went straight from half-delirious fading into unconsciousness, to feeling hard gravel press into my face.

Naturally, once I felt this rocky abrasion I sprang to my feet. I was pleasantly surprised to find that I had regained most of the strength the cancer had taken. No aches, no pains, I could even stand for extended periods without fainting. Of course, the pleasantries didn’t last, starting with my clothes. I was wearing some kind of roughspun brown tunic, underneath I wore something halfway between very light sweatpants and leggings, and then a pair of thin leather boots. The whole thing itched something awful.

I looked around my surroundings, I was standing in the middle of what looked like a dirt road that stretched off into what felt like the east and west. It looked rough, the width varied anywhere from five to twelve feet and it curved around rises and dips in the landscape. I suspected it had been less “built” and more “trampled over time.” I tried to look off in the distance in either direction, I couldn’t see anyone, just a forest one way and distant mountains in the other, but I presumed that the presence of the road/path was a sign that there were people in the area.

With a sigh I took a seat on a slightly less rocky patch of road and listened. From the direction of the forest I heard birds chirping and the occasional more mammalian sound, for all I knew those woods were full of predators with no fear of humans. Coming from the mountains I didn’t hear anything for a while, but after a short while I started to hear the stamping of feet, and clinking of metal. People! I thought immediately.

I leapt to my feet again and started off towards the sound of what I presumed to be my saviors. I climbed the hill blocking my line of sight waving my hands excitedly and calling out “hey, I’m lost here. You guys know where I am?” However, the moment I was able to see the source of the noise my sense of relief evaporated in a metaphorical puff of smoke.

Before I could truly process what I was seeing, a meter-long sharpened stick sailed through the air and slammed into my shoulder. As I staggered back my hand almost reflexively grabbed hold and yanked the stick out, and I saw blood leak from the wound. A red line flashed in the upper right of my vision, but at the time I didn’t pay it any mind, I was too busy turning to run for my life!

I dashed my way back down the hill I’d just scaled, clanking and hissing noises coming from behind me. Another crude javelin sailed over my head, shattering on the trail in front of me, naturally I started to run even faster. I had never run so fast for so long in any gym class, but I had never had such motivation before. As I felt lactic acid build up in my throat and my lungs start to burn I spotted a yellow bar in the upper right of my vision. While still running I tried to read the faint letters and numerals in the bar.

Stamina: 25/30

I blinked repeatedly, trying to get the apparent visual representation of my exhaustion to disappear, but all it did was shrink gradually by the second, evoking a fresh sense of panic as I wondered what would happen when it reached zero.

While I was focusing on the stamina meter I apparently wasn’t paying attention to the road, my foot stubbed itself on a rock sticking out of the dirt and I stumbled for a half-second before catching myself. Before I had the chance to start running again, though, I felt something slam into my calves from behind and wrap around my ankles. The sudden impact sent me falling forwards, I threw my hands out in front of me to try and break my fall, which proved a mistake.

Pain shot up my right forearm, far worse than anything I’d ever felt before. As I laid there processing the pain the yellow bar was replaced by a red one, and I read it quickly.

Health: 6/10

Injury Sustained: Sprained ankle (left)

Injury Sustained: Broken forearm (right)

I glanced down at my feet, there was a cord wrapped around both ankles with two small stones about half the size of my fist tied to the ends. The things chasing me clearly didn’t want me to run away. I looked up to get a better idea of what was coming after me.

Half a dozen short reptilian creatures, each about two and a half feet tall, dressed in a patchwork of leather reinforced with bits of rusted metal, most brandishing simple spears and clubs. A slightly taller reptile, nearly three feet tall, whom I presumed to be the leader held a cutlass that looked comically oversized for the little lizard.

If I hadn’t been focused on untying the bolas wrapped around my legs I might have laughed. Kobolds? I had somehow found myself in a fantasy RPG universe and I was going to be killed by kobolds? By the time they caught up to me I had gotten my legs loose enough to kick at the nearest kobold, which just won me a spear to the shin.

Health: 5/10

Another kobold ran up to my side and stabbed at me with its own spear. I tried to raise my arm to block but it was my broken arm and was too slow to stop it striking me in the chest.

Health: 3/10

The big kobold who seemed to lead stood back, holding its cutlass straight out towards me. It snarled at one of the kobolds holding a club, who raised it high above its head and swung it down hard on my skull.

As stars erupted before my eyes I saw one last unwelcome sight before all went black.

Health: -1/10

Unconscious

This text was taken from Royal Road. Help the author by reading the original version there.

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I came to in a dark room lit by a single small flame coming from a blackened stone bowl filled with some acrid-smelling substance. A kobold with several colored stripes painted on its green hide stood over me. On seeing my eyes were open it turned and picked up a wooden flask. I tried to move, only to find that I was hogtied from feet to shoulders, unable to do more than wriggle like an inchworm.

“Where am I?” I demanded, but the kobold did not respond. “What are you…” as I tried to speak, the kobold stuck a pair of clawed fingers in my mouth and forced it open. The flask was tipped slowly over my open mouth, I could see a thick purple liquid inside that I could swear was glowing lightly. When the first glutinous drop touched my tongue I almost gagged, it was bitter with a strong licorice-like taste. I was tempted to spit it out, but I figured that if they hadn’t killed me already it was probably some kind of medicine intended to keep me alive. Instead I swallowed the concoction as quickly as I could, minimizing my ability to taste it.

I felt a heat in my stomach followed by an electric tingling in my forearm and ankle, I saw the health bar appear again, almost but not quite empty.

Health: 1/10

Injury healed: Sprained ankle (left).

Injury healed: Broken Forearm (right).

The kobold who’d administered the healing potion, for what else could it be? Left the room then, leaving me alone on the cold dirt floor. I took stock of my situation. Clearly I had either kicked the bucket in my sleep and been reincarnated in an RPG mechanics ‘verse, or I was dreaming. I waited for a moment to see if I woke up, something that had happened every other time I had realized I was dreaming, but no, I was still in a dank dirty room lit by a bowl of burning tallow. I rolled my head around carefully, taking in the whole place while I tried to think of what I could do next.

The room was small, smaller than the dorm room I’d lived in my freshman year of college, and most of it was taken up by a collection of wooden and porcelain flasks and jars. Some of the flasks looked familiar, almost like, wait. I inched my way towards a spherical clay flask with a tapered bent nozzle, yes, that was a distillation retort! I was in some sort of primitive chemistry lab.

I realized that purple stuff must have been some sort of healing potion, I wondered what else could be in here? Likely more healing potions, maybe capable of refilling that health meter I saw earlier, if I was lucky there might be some chemicals that I could use as a weapon. Hydrochloric acid? Alcohol? Even some herbs that were toxic in large quantities might help me escape. I attempted to lurch my way towards the nearest jar, the ropes wrapped around my repaired limbs restricting my movement.

The clicking of claws on stone interrupted my pathetic attempt at escape. I froze and waited to see if they would pass on by, but no, they came closer and closer. It sounded like several kobolds were coming, but at least they weren’t armored so far as I could tell. Eventually they came into sight, half a dozen of them were wearing nothing but tattered loincloths and carried nothing, but the seventh wielded a leather-wrapped club. As I watched the half dozen took up positions around me, three on either side, while their leader stood near my head. At a bark from the leader the unarmed ones knelt down and lifted me together.

“What are you doing?” I demanded as I started to rise. The leader whacked me on the head with his club. I saw the yellow bar again.

Stamina 23/30

Okay, I guessed that must be how this RPG world tracked “non-lethal” damage. I wondered if I would fall unconscious at 0 stamina, though I hadn’t died at -1 health so maybe it was at -10 like D&D. It was odd that I hadn’t received any notification that my health had been restored by the potion that fixed my arm though. I concentrated and tried to think of the health bar.

Health 1/10

Conditions: Bound

Alright then, I could observe my health at any time. I wondered what other stats I might have. I tried to think of a character sheet, and with a moment’s focus a yellowed parchment manifested before my eyes with a woodcut-like sketch of my pasty face.

Craig Henkel

Combat Class: None

Non-Combat Class: Alchemist 1

Species: Human

Gender: Male?

Health: 1/10

Conditions: Bound

Stamina: 24/30

Abilities:

Strength: -1

Dexterity: +2

Constitution: 0

Intelligence: +3

Wisdom: +1

Charisma: -2

Attacks: Unarmed strike -1 to hit, 1-2 damage

Skills:

Identify Potion basic

Brew Potion basic

Concoct Reagent basic

That was not encouraging. Even if I could escape my bindings there was no way I could fight my way out, presumably I couldn’t sneak out too well either. If only I knew what they intended to do with me?

I thought of dismissing the character sheet and it dematerialized. With what I saw, I almost wished that I hadn’t. I was being lowered onto a stone slab, no, an altar ringed with what looked like rib bones sharpened into points. I tried to wriggle out of their grasp, but they just dropped me onto the cold stone.

The painted kobold who had forced the healing potion down my throat walked up, holding a rusted knife in its hands. While my eyes focused on the blade it started to speak in its yapping and hissing tongue. I noticed that some of the words were repeated as it spoke, it sounded almost like a religious chant of some kind.

At the crescendo of its speech it raised the knife high over its head, aiming straight for my chest…

And then another blade sprouted from between the painted kobold’s ribs.