As soon as Humphrey made the order to retreat, we started running. I looked behind myself. The aliens were still coming for us. We made it to the first turn. Noticed something odd. There were multiple people standing around in the hallway that weren’t there before. A man from Alpha Team ran up to one.

“The parasites are coming! We have a transport out of here, come with us!” He said. The man offered no response, but turned around. There was a giant wound in his forehead. He then screeched and lunged, tackling the infantryman to the ground.

“Stay back, they’re being controlled by the parasites!” Humphrey shouted. He pulled out his battle rifle. It was too late. The wounded man bit deep into the neck of the infantryman, causing all sorts of nasty stuff to come out. It topped the list of things I never wanted to see again.

“Fire at will! If you see something standing, shoot it!” Humphrey shouted as he unloaded lasers into the strange man. I thought about the situation for a second. Dead people were being manipulated by the parasites. It finally came to me. We were on a space ship filled with zombies!

I looked behind my shoulder again. The mass of alien parasites was visible, making their way towards us. We were running out of time. After the men of Alpha Team finished off the space zombies in the part of the hallway we were in, we rushed ahead. Turned a corner. The infantryman in front was instantly grabbed, collapsing to the ground. Lasers were shot. The zombie was dead.

“Almost there, men!” Humphrey shouted. We continued making our way forward with our team shooting anything on two legs. Eventually we reached the hangar where the transport was. There were only a handful of us left now.

“Everyone on the ship!” Humphrey shouted. By now, I was totally exhausted and out of breath. Never was one for cardio. We all entered the transport and Humphrey went to the pilot’s chair. What was left of Alpha Team strapped themselves into the seats of the ship. The door was still open. I noticed the horde of parasites enter the hangar and make their way toward us.

“The ship won’t engage because the door is open! Janitor, close it shut!” Humphrey shouted.

I ran for the door. How does this thing close again? Felt around for a knob and finally found the one Humphrey had used earlier. I pushed it. The door shut.

“We’re out of here!” Humphrey said. He manipulated some controls and the ship began to take off into space. I looked up at the ceiling. There was a small blue forcefield where the initial parasite had broken through. The ship must be equipped with an auto-repair function, I thought.

I couldn’t believe we actually got out of there. It was the first time I had ever truly feared for my life. Alien parasites, zombies - far too much for me to handle. I was excited to go back to the Hydra and resume my work for the Sanitation Center.

All the commotion of the day really started to affect my bladder. I entered the bathroom and peered around. There was no urinal. Guess I’d have to use the stall. I opened the door to it. Inside was Sarge, sitting on the toilet. He growled and lunged for me. Still holding my mop, I held it up to block his maneuver. We fell to the ground. The zombified Sarge began chomping his teeth at me and my mop was the only thing keeping him away from my neck.

I pushed to the side, causing us to roll over. I swung my mop at him multiple times. It seemed to make Sarge even angrier. I yelled for help, knowing I couldn’t do this alone.

Unauthorized reproduction: this story has been taken without approval. Report sightings.

I heard a voice from the other side of the bathroom door. “There’s toilet paper under the sink!”

“I’m fighting for my life here!” I shouted back. Pressed the mop against the face of Sarge to keep him occupied. His hands and feet squirmed, but at least he couldn’t bite me like this.

“We’ve all been there! Don’t worry, once we get back to the Hydra we’ll send you to medical!” The voice came again.

Talking was useless. I had to think of something else. There was no way I could win the fight. I’ve never killed anything before and wanted to keep my track record. I decided to give up. Pressing down once more with the mop, I let go of it and exited through the bathroom door, shutting it behind me. Outside was an infantryman, presumably the one I had been talking to.

“Don’t go in there,” I said.

“Trust me, wasn’t planning on it,” he replied.

Figured I’d just let someone else deal with it. What’s the worst that could happen? I’d just let someone know once we landed. In the meantime, it was time to relax. With a full bladder.

I harnessed myself in one of the seats. Thought about my previous life and compared it to my new one. No more schooling, no more homework - these were all good things. However, I definitely didn’t want to go risking my life again. It’s just not for me. My respect for the infantrymen around me grew, as they dedicated their whole lives to sacrifice. I could never do that. Admittedly, I started zoning out for a bit. Some time passed. I was snapped back to reality by a loud scream.

“It’s Humphrey!” Shouted one of the men on the transport. He unharnessed himself and ran to the bathroom, presumably where the noise came from. Wait a second. The zombified Sarge! I unharnessed as well and followed him.

What I saw in the bathroom was gruesome. There was Sarge, eating Humphrey like he was a buffet. The infantryman pulled out a laser pistol and began firing. Sarge fell over and stopped moving. The man exited the bathroom, walking past me. What had I done?

“What’s going on?” Said one of the infantrymen.

“Sarge was on board in the bathroom. He was being controlled by a parasite. He killed Humphrey,” The man who fired the laser gun said.

“Humphrey was our best pilot. What are we going to do?” Said another.

“We have a janitor! They’re trained to fly small ships like these, right? To clean the outside of the Hydra! We’ll get back safe and sound with him on board,” Said a third man.

Wait, what? They expect me to fly this thing? And why hadn’t they come to the conclusion that it was my fault Humphrey was killed? Shouldn’t I have gotten into some serious trouble? Maybe they thought I didn’t see the zombie when I went in there.

I spoke up. “It’s my fault that Humphrey is dead. I locked the zombie in there to save my own life. I didn’t tell any of you. I should have. I don’t know what kind of punishment I’ll get, but I deserve all of it.”

All the men on board stared at me. This was it, I thought. Time for my life as a janitor to be over. Would I be going to prison?

One of the men began to laugh. Laughter?

“Humphrey was a murderer getting ready to be executed. You did the Hydra a favor,” said one of the men.

“Why would they send out a murderer on a mission like this?” I asked.

“They didn’t. He snuck on board. Must have escaped his confinement. When Sarge died, we had to follow his lead since he outranks all of us. Officially, he hadn’t been kicked out of the military yet so we had no choice,” replied the same man.

None of this made sense to me. What kind of weird future was I in? The military back home never operated this way. Why was everything so strange here?

“Well, why didn’t one of you kill him?” I asked.

“Friendly fire. We’d be convicted of killing a comrade,” The man replied.

“Why was Humphrey so passionate about rescuing survivors? I asked.

“When he’s on mission, he really gets into the role,” The man said.

The other infantrymen nodded.

This whole situation was absurd. Was I dreaming? Had to be the only explanation. I pinched myself. It hurt. Guess I was still awake. What was I supposed to do next?

“Janitor, we need you in the pilot chair. You’re the one who is best equipped for the job,” said the man.

I couldn’t just tell them I wasn’t a janitor. I was wearing the uniform, after all. Deep down I knew it was a bad idea. Had obviously never flown a spaceship before. Though I had to admit, it did sound fun. Besides, we’re in space. There’s nothing to crash into, right? I could at least give it my best shot. Walked over to the pilot chair and sat down. It was surprisingly comfortable.

“Strap in, fellas. We’re headed for the Hydra!” I said.

Cheers rose up from Alpha Team.