The wind was howling, it was pushing against me, lifting my hair and telling me to fly. I looked down at my feet, the city below them enveloped in light. The brightness reflected the lives of those within it, those who were not like me. There was a world of happiness I never knew. Families together, families laughing, it was all foreign to me, love was a foreign concept. I would not be missed.

What is love?

The question weighed me down. What is love? His face was at the centre of my thoughts. My eyes widened in shock. How could I even consider this? I loved him. How could that be? He had abused me like them. Did I really love him? Did I really want to leave him? Then I remembered my mother and my father. I shivered, not from the cold, but from the thought of them.

Why am I even thinking about them right now? This is about me. Do I really want to die?

Exasperated at my own actions, at the actions I almost undertook, I shook my head. About to get down, I felt a hand on my back, it seemed to be supporting me. I twisted my head, still standing on the railing, trying to see who was behind me. “Wh…”, it happened almost in slow motion, first I felt the hand begin to apply more pressure to my back, and then, everything sped up. I was falling. My body still twisting, I glimpsed a familiar face, and then everything went dark.

No.

This simple word held so much meaning. No. The word seemed to be resounding in my mind. No. It was the truth. I didn’t want to die. 

How could he? That was my only thought as I fell. I loved him, my mixed feelings were the only reason that I had lasted so long, and yet, here I was, dying, by his hand. Feelings of betrayal and sadness began to creep in before transforming into anger and sadness. HOW COULD HE? A sob formed in my throat, threatening to escape. The sensation of falling felt slow, as though I had a fan beneath me. At this time, I felt a need to contemplate. I knew that the anger I felt was simply masking my true feelings, after all, this was what I wanted.

Right?

Isn’t this what I wanted from the beginning?

As soon as these thoughts finished forming, I tried to open my eyes, seeing only the hard ground beneath me. Hearing only the frightened screams of passersby as I fell. Soon the sense of falling ended, replaced only by a stabbing pain in my head. I couldn’t see, I couldn’t hear, I could only feel the throbbing in my head. It was painful to say the least. But I was alive, for now.

Why am I alive? I wanted to die! I think?

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A flurry of emotions overcame me as I tried to organise my thoughts.

Maybe this is what I deserve, a slow, painful, early demise. What is there for me to live for anyway? What was the meaning of my life?

Rather than interpreting this thought as philosophical, it simply felt unnecessary. My life, however short it may have been, had no meaning. This answer felt obvious, and it felt like the truth.

From sadness came acceptance, he had willed me to die, he didn’t love me, how had I even believed in that false illusion for so long? Maybe I should just give in?

Then a shrill scream met my ears, followed by panicked footsteps. ‘Who’s there?’ I tried to say, but no sound escaped my dry lips, caked in blood. Did I know this person? The footsteps grew closer until I heard a dull thud. She had dropped to her knees and was shaking me roughly. My eyes felt heavy, but I pried them open regardless of that fact. My vision slowly began to return in clumps. I wanted to see who was there. I wanted to know if somebody cared for my existence, I wanted to see this world one last time before I gave in to the darkness.

“Don’t die Cass!”. I heard her call an odd name.

Cass? Who is that?

Did she mean me? Another pair of footsteps were approaching, this time from the sea of whispers.

“Amelia?” they asked, “what’s going on?” I could see her face; it was a classmate of mine. I didn’t know her name, we had never spoken. Amelia, the strange girl, was still shaking me, begging me to wake up. This time she said “Casus! Wake up! Please”, this time she used my proper name. 

Is she another classmate of mine? Why did she call me Cass at first?

I’d been laying there for an eternity, though it may have only been a few minutes. The pain wasn’t too bad, I was used to the feeling of pain. But this pain was different. Opening my eyes again, I saw a relieved expression cross her face, her face, I recognised it. But from where? The thought left me when another burst of pain exploded in my head, I flinched, trying to lift it. That only made the pain far worse than before, far worse than it had ever been at home.

My eyes still felt unusually heavy as though they were growing in weight with every passing second, the rest of my body felt the same way, I couldn’t move. The back of my head felt warm, and sticky. I managed to tilt it sideways slightly, only to see a puddle of red surrounding me.

Oh well, I guess I really am dying after all.

Letting my head hang there, I got a glimpse of his face. Why was he here? We made eye contact, and he smirked. The faint smile disappeared from his face almost instantly and he dropped to his knees beside me. Looming over me, he whispered “Get up you leech”. I looked at him, expressionless. He replied to my silence with a quiet, “I guess you can’t, weakling”. All remaining familial love towards him vanished in an instant. Why had I loved him in the first place?

I could hear sirens approaching, the sound faint but clear. I smiled. 

“Goodbye, Brother”

Now the noise was deafening, I could hear footsteps rushing towards me, an ambulance parked a few metres away. I forced open my eyes once again, he was gone. I looked at Amelia “Th... yo…”, I couldn’t speak, but I still tried. “It wa… him”, this time it was somewhat coherent. I saw her eyes widen in surprise, my vision fading. She understood what had happened. 

I hope so.

My mind finally cleared. I could think once again, no longer distracted by the effort of staying awake. I allowed myself to give in.

What have I done wrong? What am I missing? Why had I ever loved him? 

These were the last thoughts to cross the mind of Casus Martin.