I tap my fingers on the desk, which I believe is mahogany. I’d like to think it’s mahogany it’s certainly more entertaining that way. My nails rattle against the large desk like the pitter patter sound of raindrops.

My name is Nishimura Arata and about a week ago I died.

How I died, well, it wasn’t anything ridiculous or really tragic, it was just bad luck, yeah. Bad luck. I got into a little fight and died from one single punch to the head.

Critical Hit. Super effective. Perhaps it is slightly comedic, though where is lost on me since I’m not really able to laugh. One would ask, where am I, or, what the hell am I doing right now?

Emphasis on hell by the way.

Recently there have been a lot of those popular stories where some illustrious main character gets teleported or reincarnated into another world. Yeah… that’s not what happened to me. I’m the guy who has to deal with the people who get to enjoy or suffer in those fates because for whatever reason instead of being in their enviable position the moment I died I took this position.

What job you may ask? I mean it should be painfully obvious by now, but I’ll attempt to put it in layman’s terms. If you’re from the west I could be called a Saint Peter and if you’re from the east I’m Enma or Yama. Whichever you prefer.

I have a quaint little judge gavel on my mahogany desk and a small round wooden pedestal to hit appropriately when I pass down judgement.

What? You think I have nothing to complain about? Oh, so you think I’m basically a God now right? Or at least something close to it? Well, you aren’t wrong but trust me, this duty is one I wish I could wash my hands of. Though this isn’t the worst fate, I may seem to be complaining with no real basis. I am just complaining after all.

Alright so let me explain how this works. People die and they come here and if you’re not me then you’ll be reincarnated. Most of the time. Yes, you guessed it, some plucky youngsters will end up going to another brilliant medieval fantasy world!

Lucky little… sigh. Some people are condemned to Hell, some people go to the heavens, some people become pretas, if you don’t know, they’re little ghostly imp-like creatures that suffer of insatiable hunger; some people end up as animals or are simply reincarnated as a totally new person. And I’ve told you the last option, transportation or reincarnation to a magical land of wonder where things revolve around them. They’re the damn main character in their own story… really who thought to create worlds like this?

For what purpose? Just to make a bunch of self entitled teens enjoy their power fantasies?

Thud. The sound of footsteps resonate throughout the room, slow and awkward with caution characterising every step. I sigh and look up at the figure who has just arrived.

Oh? She’s pretty cute! Long jet black hair in a very classical style, wearing a black sailor uniform with a white collar and a little red bow. Her face is quite pale though I feel it’s mostly due to shock rather than her natural skin color. It’s a bit off how that sort of thing carries over when you die but after a while you learn to stop sweating the small things. Her eyes are, oddly enough, a shocking emerald green that seems quite out of place considering the rest of her clearly screams… Ah there it is! A laptop appears out of thin air on my desk, she’s quite shocked at the sudden machine that was conjured before her.

Instead of this machine are the records of the deceased, which, when needed, are displayed here, which is a really great convenience, moments like these can make you think your predecessor is not all that bad, it’s a familiar comfort I can enjoy even in this land between worlds.

“Let’s see… Japanese father, Italian mother, Hisakawa Sayuri, one hundred and seventy centimeters tall, age seventeen, died of exhaustion when … *snort* Hahaha! Making a BL doujinshi having stayed up for a week straight!”

I laugh for a good minute as she blushes and tries to avoid eye contact with me.

After I have my fun I take a couple deep breaths to relax and act like a professional, though it’s probably too late for that, but to be honest I’ve never seen some sort of boss around here telling me what to do. Perhaps they simply don’t care about me, but until that point at which I get scolded, I can do whatever I want.

Suddenly Sayuri looks behind me and speaks up in retaliation for the humiliation she felt from my ill mannered outburst.

“Well uhm this room looks stupid! It looks typical of a shut in, trash bags everywhere and an unkempt bed! It’s sickening to look at! And why would you have a bed and a kitchen in the middle of a courtroom!”

I grimace just a bit, my situation is something I cannot really fix… Perhaps there is some way to find a place to live, but for whatever reason it looks like this is the only room I can live in. You’d think being dead or being a god means I wouldn’t need to eat or sleep but apparently that’s not the case! Instead, all I can do is keep everything in one place, which is, sadly, the courtroom.

I do try to put all that stuff in the corner but some of the more perceptive dead notice it right away, and if there’s anything to be embarrassed about in this strange place, it would be that. Old habits die hard… even when you’re dead. She finally falls silent and stares at me for a long while, which prompts me to begin looking through her file again.

Everything seems standard fare nothing stands out as particularly sinful or particularly virtuous, scrolling down by reclining the wheel a bit on this wireless mouse I check the most important part her overall fate now that she’s here.

Reincarnation. Free Choice. Three Variables. Goddamit another one! She’s done nothing!

I twitch slightly due to my dissatisfaction, which she notices straight away from the small sparkle in her eyes.

She walks forward a few steps towards my desk and finally asks the question I’ve become quite accustomed to over the last week.

“Where am I…? Am I really dead?”

Perhaps she’s  a literary person. If so, she may have already guessed my general position, which makes this go a lot faster. “Yep you guessed it! Congratulations Miss Hisakawa Sayuri you are indeed one hundred percent officially dead! Merry Christmas!”

I start clapping with my hands and she groans, putting her hands on her head and tugging at her locks in frustration.

“Dammit! I’m really dead… my life is over! Ahaha! Oh this sucks, this sucks so much!”

Suddenly she drops to the floor and starts rolling around screaming and throwing a tantrum like a child deprived of a toy. Well this is a bit new… Just when it begins to get interesting she leaps back up and straightens herself out.

...Was that all just an act? Oh dear God not another weirdo.

But again I’m not sure if my prayers are being heard so… it’s rather useless isn’t it?

“Sorry, I felt like I should have done that. I mean, it felt like the right thing to do. Characters in stories often are really quirky so-”

She shrugs her shoulders and adjusts her hair, straightening it out again.

I pause for a moment before starting a mighty earth shaking declaration.

“So I am the Judge of the Dead… Nishimura Arata aged nineteen, I died last week to a punch to the head. I’m sure you’ve guessed what my job is so go ahead. Talk and say every little thing you have stored in that pretty little head of yours.”

I beam a pleasant smile at her, but she looks even more confused. The look that new people have has been one of the high points of my new job. They look at you with big puppy dog eyes, and tilt their head as if you’re insane. It’s positively adorable.

“But... but shouldn’t you be King Enma? Like a big red raging god in feudal clothing? But you’re telling me that you were some human not long ago?

I nod without a care in the world. In moments I find her smiling up at me, where she then proceeds to tilt her upper body slightly downwards and, making direct contact with me, gets a little blush on her face.

“Hey~ Arata~” I really don’t like that playful tone she has right now, it’s just some high teasing voice from a casual slice of life anime.

“Won’t you send me back? Can’t you? Please? For me? I’ll do anything you ask. Anything.”

I snort at her and she obviously does not like that from the face she’s pulling. It screams “I’m offended”, but when I smirk at her I suddenly realize she’ll probably enjoy her life more than me anyways. I decide that I might as well get my fill of enjoyment before issuing hers out, and smile down at her condescendingly. She really wasn’t going to like what I had to say.

“I refuse.” Her face suddenly completely loses the flirtatious act she was trying to put on. I mean she is cute but I’m certainly not bending the rules just because a good looking gal waltzed in here and begged me after death, I mean if I did I’d have caused a lot of miraculous recoveries in the land of the living. A lot. Maybe some people would start thinking the rapture started, or the cure to cancer was finally developed. If I do have a boss they would be less than happy with me, and to be honest I’m not sure if I even have that sort of power.

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“Really? You’re going to use a line like that on me?” Yeah she’s not pleased one bit. Teasing is fun, but is it just my imagination or does he look a lot more violent and delinquent-esque than before? At the very least a rather frightening aura was leaking from her form, as expected from a dangerously minded rotten girl.

Oh right, that. That. BL is short for boys love, a genre of, well, what the hell do you think it is? And rotten girl is a name we give to the women who advocate and love such genres.

So despite her prim and proper womanly look, Yamato Nadeshiko, the perfect classical young Japanese beauty sans her green eyes; she has a rather odd taste, at least to the majority of people. It is definitely hilarious how she died making her own manga of her favourite genre. Of course on the flipside, there is something admirable about spending a week with little to no sleep to get something done by a deadline and putting a ton of effort into it but I’m sure if her friends learnt how she died they would learn to laugh about it in due time. Maybe that was being too harsh, maybe not.

So this should give you an idea of what type of person she was.

“I can’t bring you back to life but I can give you a new one.” I sigh at this point.

Her ears perk up, her face returns to a lady like expression and she starts beaming a killer smile.

“Oh? Oh? Oh? What’s this~ Could this possibly be!~”

She caught on quick, urk. Really, the best good deed she’d done according to her file was to feed a stray cat once when she was a kid. One thing he’d been wondering about is the way that the information was sorted out. Her file seemed to be best to worst deeds, or something. It’s infuriating how many people have sent on their way to a fantasy land...

“You can become a human or an animal if you really want too, by extension you could go to a hell but I’m sure you wouldn’t want that unless you’re a hardcore masochist…”

She bends over again and gets closer, our faces just a few inches apart, I can feel her breath lightly touch my face.

“Or I could…”, her curious face is cute too but you really hate having to do this part of this job.

“You can be reincarnated into a fantasy world and according to this you get to choose to pick three things you want alright…”

As I twirl in my chair, bored, she explodes with joy. Her theory, it seems, was finally verified and confirmed by yours truly. Whippee.

“By the way you keeping your memories is one of your three wishes just so you know.”

I open a new tab on my laptop and start checking the latest webnovels. Again, don’t question why I have internet in the afterlife. You take what you can get.

Now here comes the part where they prance around in joy… then they sit down and seriously think it through and then finally the bit where they take a good thirty minutes deciding what they want and how to squeeze every last bit of good will out of my nice little gift.

Well I say good will but it’s really just because I’m following what the files say.

“I’ve decided!” Her eyes are practically shooting beams of light.

I want to crack a smile but I’ll hold it back for now.

“I want to keep my memories! I want a group of loyal and genuine sexy childhood friends and I want to be born into a incredibly rich noble family!”

I want to smile so much I can feeling tugging at the corners of my mouth, but I have to hold it! It’ll be worth it soon… when she realises what she’s gotten herself into!

Raising the gavel into the air, an empowering sensation fills me.

When I deal with sinners things are very different, while the people who are blessed for doing nothing can be frustrating since they aren’t bad people for the most part. They’re human and understandable, relatable and have the capacity to learn from their mistakes.

With sinners I have to do a lot of work and actually make a judgement of my own… every other judgement is automatically sorted by this strange laptop.

So while I’m jealous of these guys and girls my age... and I do enjoy their suffering, I also enjoy their smiles, their adventures and their triumphs.

I bring the hammer down on the pedestal with all my force and the desk shakes accordingly.

BANG! Like a thunderstorm echoes could be heard from every inch of the room.

Behind her a large set of white double doors materialise and she turns to see it, somewhat horrified. Gathering all her courage she grips the golden door knobs, ready to step into a brand new world.

She turns them gently but gives me one last look before leaving.

“I uh… thank you?” She’s not sure what to look like now but… it’s a good look. Better than most.

“I didn’t do anything. Like seriously. I see a lot of reincarnating cheaters everyday, having to see them all run off and have amazing adventures takes its toll honestly. Ahh, when I actually see them it’s hard to resent them all that much.

“Well… it’s kind of comforting and easier to accept all this when talking to someone like me instead of some enormous red raging god. So I do thank you for at least being cordial.”

She smiles back at me and I wave her off as she pushes down with all her strength, mustering her courage. Next, a bright light takes over her and like that she’s gone. The doors close shut and vaporise away in an instant.

I start laughing like a madman and hold my stomach.

You see she could pick three things to have in her new life and I can’t control the other variables. Whatever governs these worlds has a sense of humour, like a monkey paw dedicated to making comedy sketches and subverting expectations.

I view Sayuri’s file again and snicker at her new life file. See, this laptop can see a bit into the future, just a bit, when she asked for sexy childhood friends she really should have specified that they were supposed to be men.

According this she’ll have friends with dynamite bodies that are infatuated with her but… yes you’ve guessed it they’re all women.

As for being from a rich noble family… yeah that bit is true but both these parents are battle freaks who love warring! They’ll no doubt make her a warrior! Sorry Sayuri but if you were hoping for some shoujo manga situation you’ll find yourself greatly disappointed.

Actually I could open a video feed to watch any of the people I’ve sent to other worlds, so I could watch her right now but she’d just be a baby.

Yeah, time in the other worlds seems to flow differently from here and from Earth, the guys from a week ago are about at the 10 year old phase of their lives at this point.

A lot of my entertainment comes from watching their misadventures, it’s hilarious to see how they screw up despite being blessed!

And when they succeed it’s thrilling to watch the antagonists in their lives get what’s coming to them.

So okay, maybe this job isn’t so bad.

“You… still haven’t cleaned up this room!”

A voice as cold as ice and as furious as fire rings into my ears, it’s her again…

I take it back! This job sucks! I don’t have bosses but-!

Clop. Clop. Clop. Clop.

I turn around and look at my so called subordinate. See Enma usually has a horse and bull headed minion that helps enforce his judgement, Mezuki and Gouki.

However the truth when I got here was fantastical, they were monsters but beautiful monster women! That was when I thought maybe I’d be able to enjoy the loving female companions that those RE;Cheaters have.

I soon learned just how wrong I was, looking at the furious centaur, her red hair and long sharp bangs were like bloody spikes seeking vengeance. Her eyes were icy and devoid of compassion.

Okay okay, I’m exaggerating… she’s a bit pretty in a wild animal sort of way.

“Mezuko, it’s not really cleaning, is it? It’s more like sorting out garbage in the proper place like some recycling enthusiast… and you can just summon some sort of void to swallow it all away right? Really what’s the point of making me do this anyway?”

Her eyes freeze over as she glares at me with a familiar chilling ferocity.

“I thought I told you to stop calling me… and are you still going on about that? Can’t you at least make some new excuses you wretch! That girl earlier chastised you for the same thing didn’t she? You’re the Judge of the Dead but you’re still acting like a spoiled child.”

I scratch at my neck… well I won’t deny it, for the most part she’s right.

“...I got it. I’ll do it. Okay? Okay? Stop looking me like that. I’m getting up now! I’m picking up the trash and sorting it right in front of you so stop looking at me like that. It’s embarrassing. It’s not cute at all. It’s scary. Mezuko you’ll never find love if you can’t smile. Smile. Laugh. No?”

She’s  totally unwavering and absolutely unflinching. In fact she’s likely to be a bit madder than when she entered the room. Also what is up with that? Why do my minions have the power to teleport and leave this place but I can’t? I finish putting all the wrappers in their rightful places.

“It took me like two minutes! Can’t you be more lenient with me?”

She shakes her head. “It’s precisely because it’s a minor task that you should do it immediately.”

Snapping her fingers the trash is sucked into a black hole…

“Oi, that really makes me really feel like there was no point in me doing this y’know.”

...She’s not giving an inch. “Don’t make me yell at you again.”  She sighs and I can finally see some tenderness in the windows to her soul, a drop of freshwater within the frozen icebergs of the arctic. “I’m not your mother.” Gah she has to say something weird.

“Yes I understand. I know that. We’re not even the same species. Please don’t say such disgusting things again. You’re too young for that. Or wait… maybe you’re actually super old-”

The air in the room got colder suddenly. The classical age jab can even get under her skin! Her blue eyes seem to flash like blue bolts of electricity.

She’s not saying anything but her lips slowly become a vicious smirk and she stares right into my very soul. I find myself gulping.

With that she disappears as quickly as she came, but the freezing atmosphere has still not dissipated. It’s actually colder somehow.

…

…

Oh shit. I think she actually modified the room temperature.

I need to stop being lazy but then again, I mean I have all of time to learn that lesson so…

I check the laptop… no more wandering souls today.

Time to sleep and not have a single care in the world!

Suddenly my throat feels like it’s burning and when I swallow air it feels like a powerful and sharp set of claws rip the insides of my throat.

My nose feels blocked but I keep sneezing and my whole body rattles back and forth, the shockwave shaking the chair and desk!

I fall to the floor and start coughing violently and beat my chest in some attempt to relieve myself of the pain. Did… did I catch a cold already? I didn’t even know dead people or gods could catch colds! Mezuko you-!

Using my strength I force myself into bed and cover up under the sheets.

My head feels like it’s burning up… my vision is getting blurry, like I’m seeing small particles of dancing light…

Okay I got it! I’ll be more diligent and proper from now on! Eventually...

I wonder if I can punish her using my position as the Judge of the Dead. There’s got to be a way right? I’ll exact vengeance upon you I swear it!

I hope I don’t have to deal with too many people tomorrow. Or sinners.

My family, they’re probably doing alright. I’m sure they are. They’d be proud to know I’m such an important person in the land of the dead! Hopefully they find out in the far, far future and live long happy lives!

I’m happy with my fate, even if I grumble a lot. Even if I’m spoiled and lazy.

I’m truly happy I can continue to hold on to myself.