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I Can't Heal Stupid
But Damnit I'll Try

But Damnit I'll Try

Maersy took a long, slow breath. It had been so long since she’d last smelled fresh brimstone. The burning scent sending warm, fuzzy feelings all the way down to her toes. She had to admit, they’d really outdone themselves.

“AGHHHHHHH!”

She reveled in the warmth and scent, enjoying the feeling of it filling her lungs. She wondered if it would hurt to just take a single bite. Maybe a tiny lick. Just one, for old time’s sake.

“GAHHHHHH! IT’S IN MY ARMOR! PRINCESS!”

No, no, eating it off the ground would be humiliating, especially with witnesses. She opened her eyes and glanced over the burning pathway, covered in flaming brimstone. She then sighed at the sight of her tool of vengeance, the human, buried under the flaming rock. The little kobold, bless her heart, was trying to pull him free. Alas, she wasn’t doing a very good job of it. Heavy lifting was just not her forte.

“Oh?” Maersy asked. “Surely you’re fine. After all, what do I know?”

“Mistress Maersy, please!” the kobold, Bhriy, pleaded. “He’ll die!”

Maersy sighed before holding out her right hand. A simple spell washed over the pair, similar to the one that she had to maintain over herself most days, shielding them from the heat. “There. Happy?”

“It hurts,” the human, Hiro, said with a pained moan.

“Of course it hurts. I TOLD you there was a trap,” Maersy said bitterly. “I told you to wait. I told you to look before you charged blindly ahead. Of course, as always, you ignored me.” She waved her hand a second time, casting a simple regeneration spell on him. “If we weren’t almost through with this place, I’d leave you to suffer the folly of your idiocy. But please, be more careful.”

Hiro freed himself before getting to his feet. Bhriy tried to help him get the burning chunks of sulfur out of his chain mail and boots, a far simpler task now that his skin wasn’t burning off. The human then kicked away a few pieces before kneeling down to pick up his greatsword. “My apologies, princess. I merely wanted to slay this beast as quickly so I could get your radiant visage free of such a dreary environment.”

Maersy stared at him, trying to suppress the urge to grab him and ram his head back into the brimstone. “A century, Maersy. He’s not worth another century of this. Just remember why you’re doing this,” she whispered to herself. “Hiro, just stand still.” She held out her left hand again and quickly cast her empowering spells on him. Making him stronger, faster, more durable and even amplifying his recovery from damage. “We’re almost there. That means more traps. So please, stay by me and stop running off ahead to-- GET BACK HERE!” Maersy yelled after the human. She slowly turned to Bhriy and sighed. “Was this truly the best you could find?” She swore if it wasn’t one thing with him, it was the other. How could he be so reckless?

“He was brought here by the gods themselves,” the kobold said quickly, standing up as straight as she could and hugging her golden scepter to her chest.

“Another punishment, no doubt,” Maersy said bitterly before walking after the human. She let out an exhausted sigh when she heard the sound of steel against steel. “Just go make sure he doesn’t die,” she said, motioning the kobold forward. “Knowing him, he’ll be standing in lava by the time I catch up.”

Maersy watched the smaller creature run off ahead, disappearing around a corner. Very slowly she knelt down and picked up a small piece of brimstone before looking around to ensure she was alone. She then gave it a quick lick. It tasted just as good as she remembered. She then glanced left and right once more before tossing the chunk into her mouth, chewing it a few times before swallowing. When she opened her mouth a small cloud of smoke rose out, along with a relieved sigh. At least nobody would ever know.

She didn’t want to imagine what the creatures of the world would think if they could see her now. Maersy, the dark herald of death. The wings of apocalypse. The ender of empires. Breaker of continents. Swallower of nations. Reduced to eating trap sulfur off the floor like some common drakeling. It was enough to make her want to go back and sleep for another century.

Maersy felt a chill go down her spine. Her boosting spells had ended? That didn’t make any sense. While her boosting magic on others didn’t last long, it still should have lasted a few more minutes. She ran down the hall, mentally cursing Hiro. What stupidity had he run into now? Could he not go five minutes without dying?

The stone hallway opened into a massive throne room, with a red carpet down the center and going up the steps to the throne, behind which a single door was built into the wall. The ground was littered with the corpses of orcs and Bhriy was laying face down on the ground at the foot of the steps. At the top of the steps, however, Hiro was being held by his throat, dangling in the air. He was barely moving, his own sword jammed into his side.

The figure holding him up was at least eight feet tall, its entire body covered in black steel. On its back a great axe was resting, undrawn. The orc chieftan. She didn’t know how he could have dispelled her magics, though. She quickly walked into the chamber, mentally cursing Hiro. That idiot. How had he gotten her spells removed?

“Ah, Maersy. I had heard you had finally decided to show yourself,” the large knight said before tossing Hiro’s body to the bottom of the steps. She cringed at the sight of the groaning hero, before turning her attention back to the armored man.

“You know who I am. Yet you’re not running for your life,” Maersy said in a haughty tone, an arrogant smile forming on her lips. “I’m curious how you can be smart enough to know that but not smart enough to… oh,” she said, the grin melting from her face when the figure tore its helmet off, revealing a long dead orc’s face behind it. A death knight. No wonder it had been able to remove her boosting spells from Hiro. Without them the human never stood a chance.

“Indeed,” the creature said, letting the helmet fall to the ground. “I barely believed it was you when I heard the reports. How many centuries has it been since you went into hiding? Did you hope all of his great lordship’s soldiers would die off if you hid long enough?”

Bhriy let out a soft, weak groan when Maersy stopped by her side. She knelt down, putting a hand on her head. “It’ll be okay,” she whispered, letting some of her magic flow into the kobold. “Get Hiro out of here.”

The kobold nodded before crawling to the wounded human. She pulled the sword free from him, drawing a pained moan, before putting his arm over her shoulders and trying to drag him away.

“Oh? Are you going to fight me then?” The knight reached back and gripped his axe. “There’s a high price on your head now, dragon. Even trapped in that form, his lordship would give me true immortality for you.”

“Oh, would he now?” she asked, lightly putting a hand on Hiro’s head as he was carried past her, letting her magic flow into him. “You don’t really believe you can defeat me on your own, do you?” she asked, turning to face him. “Even like this, I could defeat you with a simple wave of my hand.”

“Then why don’t you?” he asked before walking down the steps. He gave a foul grin to her, revealing a row of rotten teeth. “Go on. Smite me. Unleash your flames, your power. Purify me where I stand,” he said calmly.

You could be reading stolen content. Head to Royal Road for the genuine story.

She grit her teeth and took a small step back, holding her right hand up, light forming in her palm. “Stand back!” she yelled at him.

“Oh, please, go on. Do it,” he said before walking almost fully to her. Pushing his breastplate against her palm. “Destroy me, girl. Well?”

Maersy grit her teeth, her hand pushed against the cold steel. Try as she might, she couldn’t bring her power to bear. Not that she really expected it to. How delightful, it seemed ‘undead’ qualified as living enough.

“So the curse really is still strong,” the death knight said with a loud laugh, pushing into her hand. “Is that why you are with those pathetic creatures? Do you really believe that if you grant them your power you will defeat my master?” He lifted the axe up and then brought it crashing down. She jumped back, narrowly avoiding the strike, but she felt the resistance when it lightly grazed the magical shield that surrounded her body.

“Even a human such as that is more than enough to slay that pathetic pig,” Maersy said furiously. “If not for this curse then--”

The undead focused on her and she felt a coldness wash over her, her magic protections being drained away from her by the knight’s unholy gaze. “My master looked for you, dragon. For the last three centuries he searched. Despite all those ‘heroes’ you sent after him, he always prevailed. To imagine, is that all that remains of your once great horde? A few trinkets? Is this really the best you can send against us?” he asked before lumbering to her, swinging the axe once more in a slow, almost mocking arc.

Maersy barely managed to avoid a full blow this time, the axe cutting across her arm now that her magic protections were gone. Even the light blow cut deep, causing her to scream and blood to flow down to her hand. The sharp pain stunned her for a moment and the death knight stepped in and swiped once, his right arm striking her on the side of her head and sending her crashing to the steps with such force she rolled along them for a moment.

Maersy laid there for a few moments, her body in agony. Before she could pick herself up a metal boot suddenly came down on her chest, pinning her back against the stairs.

“Without your spells you’re just as pathetic as those humans,” he said, turning the axe so the top tip was aimed down and then slowly let it fall.

She reached up, gripping the dull top with both hands, though she knew it was a fruitless struggle. He leaned in just a little more, applying more weight to both her chest and the axe. Now it just remained to be seen if he’d cut her open first or cave in her chest.

Then, behind him, she saw hope. Hiro running back into the room, Bhriy right behind him. Covered in blood, but alive. More importantly, she could feel her magic radiating off the human once more.

“You know, death knight,” Maersy said softly, struggling to get the words out. “You’re right, in some ways. I can’t hurt you. Even my enhancement magics are so limited now that it often feels like trying to force a lake through a small water pump whenever I enhance him.”

“Oh?” he asked, grinding his boot into her chest and drawing a pained groan from her. She just had to endure for a few more seconds.

“Yes. But the thing is, I made sure there was more than one pump. Bhriy may not be able to fully harness my magics now, but she can at least support that hero she’s so proud of. HIRO NOW!” she yelled.

“Ready yourself, foul monster!” Hiro yelled.

The world seemed to go still. Maersy looked down at the human and then up at the death knight. Slowly the undead glanced back at him.

“I said now!” Maersy yelled again. “What are you doing?”

“I can’t attack a monster from behind, that wouldn’t be fair!”

“Just do it! It’s a fight! Finish it!”

“But he waited for you to heal us. It would be dishonorable to back stab him after that.”

She stared at him for the longest moment. Oh, she took it back. Another century being trapped in this form would definitely be worth enduring if it meant she could purge the realm of his stupidity.

The death knight only laughed, pulling his axe back before he turned to face Hiro. “Ah. A noble one, then. Perhaps I--”

A loud clang filled the air when Maersy tried to kick him inbetween the legs. Unfortunately, all she did was send a shooting pain through her foot.

At the very least it seemed she had gotten his attention. The knight turned to her, his decayed face filled with rage, and swung his axe down at her with both hands. She rolled to the right, only narrowly avoiding the axe head and leaving it to embed itself in the stone steps. She quickly rolled back, flinging herself onto the axe and holding it still for a moment. “HIRO DO IT DO IT NOW I SWEAR BY ALL THAT IS HOLY IN THIS REALM AND BEYOND IF YOU DON’T I WILL KILL YOU!”

“Foolish dra--” The death knight never got to finish his statement, however, before Hiro’s blade was jammed into his back and out through where his heart had once been. The undead’s eyes went wide and he reached up, clutching the blade.

White flames sprouted from the blade, glowing brilliantly and burning away the area around the blade, burning the monster to dust. “That blade was from my hoard, you abomination. So much more than just a trinket,” Maersy said before she watched the creature dissolve. She didn’t let herself relax and roll off the axe until the armor of the monster dropped to the ground.

“Princess, are you okay?” Hiro asked, rushing to her side and kneeling by her. “I’m so sorry, if only I had--”

She punched him in the face, making him topple backwards. “There are no words. None. Absolutely none. If someone has their back to you and they are trying to kill me, STAB THEM!” she yelled before turning to the kobold. The small creature’s body went rigid and she shrunk down as small as she could, holding her scepter out in front of herself like a shield. Maersy suppressed the urge to lash out at her as well. The kobold had at least gotten the human ready for fight before letting him charge back in. “As for you, Bhriy. Good job.”

The kobold’s tail began to wag with excitement and her eyes lit up with glee. “Oh thank you, great ruler of the skies! Holder of the eternal flame, bringer of the burning darkness, she who decides who lives and who dies! It is an honor to serve you, to be allowed to draw from your great flame, to be--”

“Shut up,” Maersy said with a sigh. She looked down at herself and then waved her hand. The wound on her arm stitched itself closed over a few seconds and the blood dripped away a moment later. It still tingled a little, but in a few minutes even that would likely fade. “Hiro. Don’t run off like that again. Those creatures can eat my enchantments and WHAT DID I JUST SAY?” she yelled after his running form.

“But we beat the boss, that means we get the loot!” Hiro yelled before she heard him trying to force open the door behind the throne.

“I hate humans,” Maersy said before glancing to Bhriy. “Make sure he doesn’t get himself killed.”

“Of course, mistress!” the kobold said before bowing and then running up the steps after the human.

Maersy gave another soft sigh. Still, as poorly as that went, at least soon it would be worth it. When they returned to the city, the humans would once more be in awe of her great might. They would kneel in gratitude before the great being she was and shower her with their finest treasures. It had been so long since she had been properly revered.

------

“Hiro the hero! Hiro the hero!” the crowd cried as they tossed him high into the air, catching him before he could fall only to toss him once more.

“No, no, it was nothing! Please, no, I have no need of your gifts! Please, keep them for yourselves! It was all in a day’s work for a hero like myself!”

Maersy twitched, her breathing going a little heavier. If only she could, she would burn them all away with a wave of her hand.

She hated humans. She reminded herself that it wasn’t, technically, killing him if she beat him half to death, healed him and then beat him half to death again. Multiple times. She glanced to Bhriy, expecting the kobold to be as annoyed as her.

Except the small creature was now off with a few of the children, playing with her little toy dragons.

Maybe if she went back to the castle the brimstone would still be warm. Though she doubted any amount could ever be worth this.

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