Author’s note: Read out loud like Samuel L. Jackson, or better yet, Franklin from GTA5, so that you could better understand the story.
Chapter 1 - As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Once upon a time, there was a dungeon that all manners of creature had’da go to. That place is what we call school. Our story begins when a group of brave adventurers came to that god forsaken place, and stumbled upon a quest that would take them from the boring annals of society to the mind blowing most epic adventure that you people could only dream of having. That’s right, b*tch, we’re mother f*cking heroes out to save the world, y’all. And get filthy rich, with our huge ass gold bling, and sports cars, yo. Anyway, I’m heading to the school now.
“Hey, what’s up, home boy?” I saw one of my people rolling down the street. He was black, fit and an awesome stud like yours truly. Except he called himself “Travis”, a white trash name unbefitting of the glorious cocked creatures such as us.
“Yo dawg, I haven’t heard shit from y’all, when I returned from the slammer yesterday.” This homie of mine, sulked because we weren’t there when he was released from prison. What am I supposed to do about it? Everyone in the ghetto ain’t gonna come near 10 foot of them cops. Those pigs gonna tag like a hundred crimes on a black man the minute they get their sights on us approaching a station.
“Aww man, was that yesterday? You know we’re busy banging them Ho’s on the weekend. What with the end of classes and all? Heard you got caught springing the principal’s car? Shit, we thought y’all gonna smack his little b*tch ass down to the gutter, with our shit grades and all…”, I actually just stayed home and watch re-runs of UFC, but I ain’t gonna admit to that. I care hugely about my street rep. These damn hillbillies would only think that a bunch of white men groping each other is homo.
“Nah man, you know me and Clarissa had this thing going… She got her keys on that dickshit’s car after the finals. We’ve given the old thing’s hydraulics a proper tuning in the backseat, if you know what i mean…” The smug bastard grinned at me. We’ve both been trying to get into the pants of the principal’s hot sweet-ass daughter for like what, three years now
. Ever since her sweet booty turned from a washboard to that smokin’ delicious piece of mama, we got our eyes glued into that luscious piece of her. Hell, I can’t recall how many times I’ve jacked off right after seeing her during the Phys. Ed, class.
“Hey man, f*ck you and your smug dick face. I ain’t gonna hear shit about you banging that girl. If I’d known better, you’re just out to steal them papers from the head honcho.” I bitch-slapped his smug face off with my common-sensei. Him, and Clarissa? Like hell she’d touch his puss ridden cock.
“Yo man, just tell me what’s you’re in the slammer for. I ain’t playing mind games with you.” I threw up my hands. One of them bitches passing by felt the wind from my gesture and went up in arms shouting “watch it, asshole!”. Like f*ck, I’ll watch out for stuck-up Ho’s like you…
“Truth is, man, I’d forgotten to take the test, yo. I got so f*cked up smoking a joint last night, I went out like a damn hobo on steroids. I’d wanted to get one of them papers, and at least get some score before he starts grading them. Tell you, I’ve near succeeded at that too, if not for that damn daughters of his.” Travis sneered at the memory of being caught.
“Chill man, didn’t they got your ass released after just a few days? “ I attempted to calm down the raging prick. Now that I think about it, he’s probably out to ruin Clarissa’s rep by tagging her a Ho. That’s cool with me, once she loses her friends, I’ll stand out more. Who knows, some time in the future, I’ll get my face washed in that sultry stream of heaven between her legs. Damn, my boner’s killing me.
“Whateva, dawg. I’d sooner punch that Ho’s face than give her this meat. Damn, I was so close to getting out there.” Travis muttered. If you ask me, shit ain’t changing, as this moron can’t even write that good for f*ck’s sake. At best, he’ll barely scrape a D with the essay part of our finals and all.
We were gonna chill at school, being the top dawgs here. We were fifteen already, the other students here were a few years younger than us. They ain’t gonna do a thing, with their tiny arms and legs. Hell, this one time, one of those losers thought we were owning the place, right. Telling us, to go the fuck away. Sure, TV says big people like us are bullies, but tell you what, reality’s that these little shits are the ones lording all over the place. Them with rich parents, giving them money and all while we in the ghetto, had to steal hubcaps for a living. They tell their retard parents that us, school bullies get their money, but truth is, them using that shit to buy joints, get Hos or pay off gangs to beat the shit out of us.
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We were hanging by the parking lot, talking bout what could’ve been done to salvage Travis’ situation. Just chilling, hoping to get a view of some sweet, sweet ass passing by the front of the school. Then came, the lust, erm, love of my life. Clarissa, with her innocent latina face, and god damn celestial body I’d… Oh god, not another boner. Shit.
Clarissa saw me struggling with the huge ass tent I pitched on my shorts. A little more, and the damn thing would slip out. Travis was laughing his ass off, talking smack about me and my damn dick. I could barely imagine that look of disgust on her face as she hurriedly avoid us and used another path to go the school building.
“Hey, f*ck you, mang. Serves you right she snitched on your sorry ass.” I shouted to the still laughing Travis.
As I was bent over the ground, calming myself down to get rid of my epic boner. I suddenly lurched forward.
“What the F--!!??” I shouted, thinking Travis kicked my ass or some shit. But after a few seconds, my body started shaking as if I had an epilepsy episode. Travis started shouting “What the F--!!??” with me, as we looked around. We were having an earthquake. The ground shook so hard, that we could swear that it’s like two sex-deprived giants banging hard nearby. WIndows cracked, and glasses sprayed like shotgun shrapnels. I got hit by a small stray piece. To be honest, the buildings falling into pieces, and the explosions are something I could deal with. It’s hey, special effects, yo. But what I can’t tolerate probably was the damn noise. Aside from the sound of explosions, rubble falling, and the occasional screaming for help, mercy, or cursing, there was this series of chimes, that I could hear as I covered my head rolling on the ground. It’s like god damn bells trying to drown all the other noises.
When I finally had enough of it, I opened my eyes. I added to the cacophony of the shit storm of noise by screaming my ass off when I saw Travis impaled by a fallen lamp post. His mouth was filled with blood and he was gurgling and opening his lips like a fish out of water. When I saw the broken lamp glass and piece of steel sticking out of his stomach, I screamed harder and started wailing like a little bitch. I was confused, terrified and my boner’s not even going away.
“How the f*cking f*ck f*ck f*ck did this shit storm happen?”
I rolled in the ground like crazy, screaming while my eyes are trying to find anything that makes sense. There was a godzilla in the distance roaring, swatting buildings. People were slapped away like flies and they splat on the walls while their organs shower all around like confetti. A squid like alien was swimming in the air at another direction, its tentacles grabbing people and using them like crayons writing in the walls with the blood and gore from their headless bodies. There were monkeys and pig-faced creatures in the distance chasing after people, bending them over and humping them. Everything has gone to hell. Shit has hit the fan. Oh my god, we’re all going to f*cking die!
After that short hysterical episode, my screaming got cut off when I found myself staring at a floating bubble of text before me, speechless.
“You have qualified for the Terran Apocalyptic Survival Stage.”
“Say [Join] to enter the game, Say [Kill me please] to cancel.”
I screamed my curses at the heavens. The world was on fire, and this asshole wanted to play a game? I raised my right hand pointing at the heavens. Dark clouds gathered around. Tribulation lightning flowed down and hit me.
I screamed “JOIN!!!!”. I looked at a looming figure standing beside me, and an Arnold Schwarzenegger looking guy slapped me unconscious with his wood.