Sergei Anker sat on a dock at the Mede River. He was 22 years old and fit with muscular arms. Behind him was a medium-sized canoe-shaped boat with a cover over it to keep out the rain. A pole was next to the vessel. It was to be used to push the ship into the river and steer it.
The Mede River was in the middle of a vast forest. However, a somewhat important road led to the docks. A ferryman like Sergei was able to make a living out there. He wasn’t worried about monsters, either. This forest was a farm for trees and shade-dwelling plants. It was far more controlled than anywhere that you’d find a monster.
Several birds sang beautiful songs that put a smile on Sergei's face. He liked listening to birds since he was a little boy. Sergei also enjoyed the sounds of wind that surrounded him. Still, he could have done without the constant buzzing of insects.
A strange noise wafted through the air. Sergei stood up and listened. It sounded like…squishing?
“It can’t be someone stepping in mud,” he pondered. “It hasn’t rained in a week. The ground’s hard as stone.”
Sergei leaned his head in the direction of the noise. He focused his ears further. The sound was coming from down the road. Trees blocked his vision, but Sergei could hear the squishing getting closer.
Then, a large shoe connected to a long leg came into Sergei’s view. It made a squishing sound when it touched the ground. When it lifted up again, there was no footprint. Another foot came down, attached to another long leg.
The creature the limbs carried came into Sergei’s view. Its legs were twice as long as its body, which was at least two meters tall. That thing’s arms were absurd but in the opposite direction. They were half as long as they should be.
Its head looked like someone threw a can of white paint over a ball. The thing’s mouth stretched from one ear to another. To say its eyes were pitch black was an understatement. They were empty voids of pure darkness.
What made the creature even stranger was that it was clad in jester’s motley from the neck down. On the top of its head was a black wide-brimmed hat.
When that thing walked, it raised one of its legs so high that the foot was over its head before stepping down. Sergei didn’t know if he should run screaming in terror or start laughing at the monstrosity.
It saw him and walked right over with its absurd stride. The creature’s body turned down like a drinking bird toy. Sergei found himself gazing right into its bottomless pit eyes.
“Go0d EvENing, my g0oD F3llow,” the creature talked in a high-pitched voice and smiled, revealing seven rows of sharp teeth. “MY n8me iS Lrprld.”
“Leopold?” Sergei questioned.
“Yes, Lrprld.”
The creature took off its hat, revealing that there was nothing under it. It was as though the top of its head was cleanly cut off where its hat rested. Sergei could see the inside of its skull and its mushy, pulpy brain. He shied away from the sight.
Lrprld said, “My go0d MAn, wOu1d y0u HapP3n t0 be a feRRyman?”
“Y-Yes, I am,” Sergei nodded.
He considered running but decided against it. There was no way he’d escape from that thing with how long its legs were, the boat would take too long to leave the shore, and he didn’t want to risk angering it.
“I w0uld l1kE to ridE y0ur boat acr0Ss tHe R1ver,” Lrprld stated.
Sergei stuttered, “Y-You’re t-talking a bit w-weird.”
He turned pale, wondering if he angered the monster. Sergei prepared for a long and painful death.
“My ap0LoG1es, mY GooD m8n.”
Lrprld put its hat back on and grabbed its jaw. With a snap, the monster unhinged it. Its mouth hung limp under its head.
The creature's voice became deeper than the deepest sea, “I prefer to not talk like this because having my jaw hanging down is quite uncomfortable. However, as you can see, I am perfectly capable of this manner of speech.”
Hearing a deep voice coming from that absurd body made the creature even more unsettling.
“If you’re worried about compensation, I assure you, my good man, that I have plenty of funds,” Lrprld took off its hat and reached into the hole on top of its head.
Sergei cringed when he heard a squishing sound. The creature removed its fingers from the hole, pulling out a diamond.
“I trust this will be enough?” it asked.
Sergei was so terrified of the thing that he’d have taken it across for free. But this diamond was worth more money than he'd be able to make in his entire life.
“It’ll be just fine,” the ferryman took the diamond, placed it in his coin purse, and stepped on the boat. Sweat poured down his face.
“Come right on.”
Lrprld put its hat back on, ducked under the boat’s cover, and sat down. It had to splay its legs so its knees were sticking outside the ship just to keep them from hitting the ceiling. Sergei pushed with the pole, and they set out across the water.
As Sergei steered the ship, a strange winding sound came to his ears. He turned in its direction to see Lrprld’s neck stretching from where it was seated all the way over to the ferryman. It took everything Sergei had to keep himself from jumping into the water and trying to swim away.
“My good man, how long will this crossing take?” the creature said.
Sergei spoke faster than he ever had before, “Not long. The river’s pretty calm.”
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“That’s good,” Lrprld’s head de-stretched back to its body.
Then, every sound stopped. No birds sang, no insects buzzed, no wind whistled, not even the boat going through the water made any noise. It was as though they stepped into a vacuum of pure silence.
Sweat poured down Sergei’s back. Goosebumps covered his skin. He clenched his pole so hard his hands turned white.
“Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” he thought. “This was its plan all along! I wanted to lure me out here and eat me! This is some sort of trap!”
“My good man, I’d recommend rowing faster. Don’t bother talking. You won’t be able to say anything,” that abyssal voice flowed into Sergei’s ears.
Sergei did exactly as it commanded, rowing so fast that he felt his arms would fall off. His breath became ragged as he strained his body. He felt like there was a wildfire in his lungs. The man looked back at the creature, expecting to see its sharp teeth right in front of his face.
Instead, Lrprld’s neck was stretched all the way to the back of the boat.
“Is that thing running away from something? Is there something out there that this monster is afraid of?”
Sergei didn’t think he could row any faster, but he somehow found a way.
The ship crashed into the shore. Sergei was thrown out and onto the beach. Every single sound that had been blocked out returned at once. Sergei screamed in pain and clasped his hands over his ears as the cacophony flowed into his senses.
Then, the pain in Sergei's ears stopped. He felt a dull throb in his chest from being thrown on the shore. However, Sergei fell on sand, which caused him to just have bruises rather than break anything.
Lrprld moved out of the boat and onto the shore. It took one of its absurd steps over to Sergei.
“It appears that you’ve run your boat aground,” the thing said. “Thankfully, it doesn’t seem damaged. Don’t worry, my good man, I’ll move it for you.”
Llrprld pushed the ship just far enough that it wasn’t stuck. Moving the boat was as hard for Lrprld as it was for a strong man to push an empty wheelbarrow. Sergei wondered how easy it would be for the monster to crush him.
Lrplrd stated, “Now, my good man, I would recommend staying crouched down for at least the next few minutes.”
The monster threw off its hat. It reached into the hole in its head with a squishing sound and withdrew a shield twice Sergei’s size. Lrplrd then placed the shield between Sergei and the land in front of it.
Lrplrd reached its hands into its head once more. This time, it pulled out a poleaxe as long as its body and legs put together. It walked its absurd walk out of Sergei’s sight. The ferryman decided it was best to take the things advice and stay down. Whatever Lrplrd was going to fight, Sergei wanted nothing to do with it.
A man stood on the highest branch of a tree that overlooked the ferry, river, and Lrplrd. He had red hair that was so long it touched the back of his feet, which were covered in long and pointed shoes. His face was crooked as if someone smashed a mace into its side.
The man’s body was clad in mail armor; however, he had no helmet. Instead, there was a red cap on his head. He was three feet tall yet wielded a 12-foot-long pike in his hands. His eyes were filled with vicious sadism.
Lrplrd looked at him and waved, “Hello, Robbie, I can’t say it’s good to see you today.”
“Still playing around with that Ex Nihilo of yours, Lrplrd?”
“It’s hardly playing, my dear Robbie. The gods gave me this ability, and I intend to use it.”
“Ex Nihilo won’t help you when I’ve cut out your guts and strangled you to death with your own intestines!” the short thing declared.
“Robbie,” Lrplrd smirked. “My poleaxe is made of iron, and you know it. Your threats cannot phase me.”
There was a whistling of the wind. One of Lrplrd’s eyes bulged out of its socket and moved on its own to see where the noise was coming from. A whirlwind crashed through the forest before stopping on a branch halfway up the tallest nearby tree.
The wind transformed into a beautiful woman with wide hips, full breasts, and sensuous curves. She wore a dark dress that hugged her waist and showed off the sides of her legs. Her lips were flushed red, and her hair was as dark as night.
“Robbie is weak to iron, but your poleaxe is a normal weapon to me, dear Lrplrd,” she said.
“Ah, Deborah, I see that you are here too. Where’s your master?” the thing questioned.
Robbie said, “He’s not here.”
“My dear Robbie,” Lrplrd replied. “You cannot fool me. I know that neither of you can manipulate sound.”
Deborah smirked with seductiveness, “Enough about us, Lrplrd, let’s talk about you.”
An amused chuckle escaped from Lrplrd. It sounded like an elephant throwing up.
“Oh, Deborah, you know that seduction cannot work on me.”
“I’m just being coy. I know there’s nothing between your legs,” she huffed.
“You’re going to tell us a few things or we’ll make you suffer,” Robbie stated.
Lrplrd asked, “What do you want to know?”
“Why are you going to Athena Academy? You don’t look like a student to me.”
“You can always brush up on your education, no matter how old you are.”
“Now’s not the time to be funny, you fuck,” Robbie pointed his pike. “Tell us or we’ll make you eat your own legs.”
Lrplrd reached into the hole in his head and pulled out a flaming sword. He held it in one hand. His other clutched his poleaxe.
“Here’s my answer: a weapon that was not created Ex Nihilo.”
Sergei huddled as close to the shield as he could. He didn’t see the other two, but he heard Lrplrd’s conversation with them. His hands shook as sweat drenched his body. The ferryman feared whatever things were able to talk so casually with a monster like Lrplrd.
Then Sergei heard the sound of rushing wind, followed by blazing flames. Heat coursed through his body. Sergei’s breath became ragged as the clashing of weapons hit his ears. He covered them in the hope that it would make things better.
It didn’t. The sounds of flames, wind, weapons, and other noises Sergei didn’t want to think about couldn’t be drowned out. He heard a great crashing noise followed by several other crashing sounds. Images of a horrific battle flashed through his head.
Then, everything stopped. Sergei listened with care. He breathed a sigh of relief when he heard the sound of the waves. His comfort ended when the sound of squishing came to him. Lrplrd walked around the shield and looked right at Sergei.
“Are you unharmed, my good man?” it asked.
Sergei nodded, too terrified to speak.
“Be not afraid. I assure you that you’re safe now. Just wait a few more minutes before going back to the docks, and you’ll be fine.”
Lrplrd reached into the hole in his head and pulled out a hat that was identical to the first one it wore. It tipped it before placing the hat on its head. The thing then turned around and started walking in its strange manner.
Sergei peeked around the shield to make sure Lrplrd would really leave.
The forest was a wreck. Trees that once stood proud were scattered across the ground. There were patches of scorched earth where there was once grass and other underbrush. To say that it looked like a storm hit the woods would understate how wrecked it was by 10 orders of magnitude.
Lrplrd then grabbed the remains of a tree and yanked it out of the ground as if he was plucking weeds. The thing took off his hat, reached into it with one hand, and pulled out a tree just as big as the one that once stood there. It planted the new tree into the ground before walking to another spot.
This absurd sight was too much for Sergei. A few minutes had passed, so he jumped into his ship and set off. The ferryman rowed over the river as fast as he could.
Sergei realized that he’d never be able to tell anyone about this. Even if someone was willing to hear it out, Lrplrd would make the forest look exactly like it did before the battle. There wouldn’t be a single trace of evidence that he was ever there.
Then worry pulsed through Sergei. He opened his coin purse and breathed a sigh of relief when he saw that the diamond was still there. This was the sole evidence that would remain of this encounter, and Sergei intended to sell it as soon as possible.