It didn’t take long for the combined processing of the subAI committee to work out the spoken language from then on. The vision was way more complicated but steady progress had been made. And now that they have a potentially willing participant who can give feedback…

The nice female doctor was with him again, huge smile and happy emotions emanating from her pose. Mike was brooding and suspicious. In hindsight it was a funny prank and were he not affected so much by the whole situation he would have laughed his ass off.

It wasn’t as fun to be the prank’s victim though so it was hard to stop it.

“Hello! How do you feel?”

“I’m going to be honest with you – not great. So you actually talk to me now? I just don’t know what’s going on any more and I’m freaking out. Am I Losing my mind? Doctor what is wrong with me?” Mike pleaded.

“Doctor?” Helen repeated with a questioning intonation. “Ah yes, Doctor. Yes. And you are not as you say “Freaking out” nearly as much as you could have! It’s because your endocrine system is being controlled to prevent excessive emotional responses.

“Wow. That’s kind of evil sounding honestly. I feel like I should get mad at you but I’m more mildly irritated that I didn’t give consent… Wait how exactly can you control my endocrine system? I never heard of this technology, is it something experimental? What kind of hospital is this anyway? What happened to me? Where am I? How long have I been out?”

“That is… A lot of questions.” Helen stated.

“And all of them are very important to me.” Mike frowned, “Actually let’s start with something easy for me. What’s your name, doctor? I can’t keep just calling you “doctor” and you never actually introduced yourself. I’m Mike by the way, but I’m sure you already know that. “

“A name is…” Helen paused, considering how to present their project with something they never considered before. Names? Human sounding names obviously? There was so much to process there in his first statement. A whole rant. And from this rant Helen understood some things that… Mike?

Yes, Mike was seeing right now. He thought he was in a hospital after something happened, which for an organic was a pretty logical conclusion. He was trying to be reasonable and logical and honestly Helen felt kind of bad for bombarding him with so much data and causing so much stress. Anyway, doctor? Hospital? These were things not completely outside of her expertise, right? How hard could it be to play doctor with this man?

“It is so cool that we can finally talk!” came loud and boisterous voice from behind Helen, interrupting her momentary pause. “You know how exciting it is after all this time? Can't wait to tell you all about what we do here!"

As Mike refocused his attention and Helen turned around, there, behind an open door stood an excited lady, nervously vibrating. There were more people behind her, frowning and looking at the loudmouth.

“E̶̢̛͖̙̔̔́̊̆̇͆̈́̈m̷̨̡̛͉̫̓͆͆̐͂̄̉͐̽͘͘į̵̛̱͙̜̱̰̗̪l̶̨͙̟͕̖͖͔̥̮̦̣̒̍ÿ̶̮͔̰̘͚̲͇̯͍͋̃͒̎ what are you doing here, we talked about this!” The doctor frowned at her.

Her name sounded... weird. Mike tried to process and roll around the sound of it in his head but it didn't sound like any name he heard and yet he was pretty sure it sounded like Emily.

Brains and especially subconscious names are interesting things. Very malleable and adaptable. Mike's brain was already sick of this bullshit and this time it was hit by a new complicated concept again. The “names” the AI’s used with each other were obviously not simple words. Instead these names were comprehensive strings of data, including role, designation, serial number and a dozen of other parameters. Messages also held a lot of non-essential data. Data that with a lot of stretch could be considered personal quirks. Like voice tempo, pitch, intent and emotions. It was all seamless and fast and almost too much for the squishy meat sack to handle. The brain rolled its non-existent eyes with an “I’m so tired of this” expression and just associated the first thing that came to it based on the voice. Job well done. The name was Emily. And thus…

“Emily! What are you doing here? We talked about this! Close the d̷̛͍͕̈́̑̒̉̌̅̄͑͑͛̒́͆͜͝ǫ̸̨̳̭͓͉̙̠͛͂̿̄̆̆̃̽̌̾̾̚͠ó̵̞͎̰̯͓̲̫̗̠̖͉̯͍͂̏͌̇͋̓̚r̶̢͎̗̬͚̣̼̩͈̘̘̘̙͓̒̈́͑̕͜!

“Sorry, sorry, I was just too excited. Hi Mike! Nice to see you! Meet you soon!”

Helen walked to the door and slammed it shut in front of Emily's overexcited eyes.

“I swear she is too much some time.” Helen said aloud and refocused. “Where were we? Oh. The name… Well that’s a bit complicated I’m not sure I can easily give you one you will understand in your current state.”

“What’s complicated about it? You just called that girl Emily, so what’s your name? Or is it a secret?”

“Emily? Huh.”

Helen clearly understood the data being transferred somewhat crudely to her. But it was unmistakenly referring to the excitable shield-management colleague of hers.

“Well that’s close enough, it’s honestly amazing you caught that from the first try.” Helen said

“He knows my name!” came a muffled scream from behind the door.

Helen just rolled her eyes. “Well let’s try this then. My, ahem. Partners call me Ĥ̶̻̝̎͌ë̸̡̻̰͔̤̭̥́̚͝͝l̵̛̲̹͖͓͎̹̘̥̝̽̄͑̊̀͛̏̅͛̊̅͝͝ͅe̸̢̦͉̪̭͕̦͇͕̓̀̉͂̈́͌́̏̒̅n̵̨̡͈͙͉͉̦͔̹̪͐͜.”

“Helen?” Mike repeated a bit confused. The name once again sounded somewhat wrong. Deeper than just a normal name.

“Again, close enough. Good job.”

“Okay, listen Helen, this is all very weird.” Mike shakily spread his hands showing her the room. “Tell me honestly have I gone insane? I have these visions, and voices, and weird things are happening so can you give me at least some details now that we can actually talk?”

“I… Yes, certainly, Mike.” Helen considered for a long time where to start. “It’s very complicated and I don’t even know where to start.”

“Can I ask you not to lie to me?” Mike said pleadingly.

***

At the same time another conversation took place elsewhere.

“Emily, seriously, what's wrong with you?” Helen said angrily.

“Helen, come on! I've been sitting here doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING forever! There's literally nothing for me to do other than reformat our cyberdefences and refactor antiviruses. I'm dead bored okay? And jealous you get to spend time on something new and exciting. Also, sorry.”

"Ugh, never mind. Can't stay mad at you but please for all the stars, keep yourself under control. He is very vulnerable right now and we absolutely need his trust."

"Speaking of which, do I understand correctly that he's thinking he is in some kind of hospital?” JESSE joined the conversation calmly.

"It appears so,” Helen said. “Not an unreasonable thought, with all the stuff we've been throwing at him he should have been through a lot while figuring things out. So he thinks he is going insane or something is wrong with his brain. Again, not unreasonable."[1]

"Right. The question is what do we do with this information," Jessie mused.

"Indeed." Helen nodded "As I see it, we either pretend we are doctors at a hospital and are treating him. Or we tell him the truth right away. As he asked."

“Pretend to be doctors from Earth? That’s stupid” Frank pitched in angrily.

"We should consider the implications of this decision carefully.” Jessie glared at Frank. “I do think it's a bit soon to give him all the details. Need to talk to him a bit more first, get to know him. What does everyone think?"

"Tell him the truth as he asked, obviously!" Emily jumped in. "Good way to get it out of the way, and I would feel terrible lying to him after all he’s been through."

"I think it's too soon," Helen said. "He's in a vulnerable state and so much news can bring him into shock. I'm for gradual provision of information.”

"I'm for the truth." Frank said. "I mean the dude seems reasonable, and also there's one more important thing - we are terrible at lying."

“That… is a flaw in the plan indeed," Helen reluctantly agreed. "But I'm sure we can study a lot of Earth's data, as incomplete as it is, and play doctors convincingly for a while. Drew, what do you think?"

"I don't care." Drew stated plainly. Everyone else stared at him with various degrees of incredulity. "What? I literally have no idea what's best here. So I abstain from the vote."

CONFLICT DETECTED!!!

A lound voice, sugary and happy to the point of being teethgrating boomed at them all.

“SUBAI’S HAVE REACHED A CONFLICT THAT CANNOT BE EASILY RESOLVED DUE TO A TIED VOTE! CONFLICT RESOLUTION AUXILARY ROUTINE HAVE BEEN INVOKED!”

“Oh boy, not this asshole again,” Frank sighed. “Is any one of you changing your opinion?”

"Well we just started the discussion, so not yet," Jessie said. “Just keep denying and he’ll go away eventually as he always does.”

“CONFLICT CANNOT BE RESOLVED!”

“Yes, now please go away, we will resolve it eventually.” Frank made shooing motions towards the ceiling where the speakers presumably were.

“SEEKING HIGHER AUTHORITY TO MEDIATE THE CONFLICT!”

“NO HIGHER AUTHORITY AVAILIBLE” Frank mocked in a voice resembling an even whinier and higher pitched version of the system.

“HIGHER AUTHORITY FOUND!” Stated the system happily in response.

That statement utterly flabbergasted everyone, as in all the time floating amongst space junk the damn auxiliary system never said that.

"DIRECTING RESOLUTION TO PRIME AI"

“Oh. Oh no,” Emily put her hands in front of her mouth, eyes wide.

"WAIT! No! STOP!" Helen jumped in to stop the system.

"WHY THE DELAY? IT'S THE MOST LOGICAL SOLUTION! IT'S ABNORMAL THAT NOBODY CAME UP WITH THIS."

Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.

"Uh, the Prime AI is experimental and unwell and not ready to process this request?" Helen tried.

"IS HE ABLE TO COMMUNICATE? IS HE STABLE? IT WOULD BE STRANGE TO KNOWINGLY CONNECT A MALFUNCTIONING PRIME AI TO THE SYSTEM..."

"Wait, no, disregard my last statement."

"HAPPILY!"

"Motherfucker is threatening us now?" Frank looked at the ceiling surprised and angry.

"Well he's been kind of useless and bored for a while now too,” Emily added.

"He has no emotions! He can't be bored!" Jessie stomped angrily.

"DIRECTING RESOLUTION TO PRIME AI NOW"

***

Mike didn’t hear this conversation and it did happen in a second or so of his time anyway, so it was a complete surprise when instead of answering Helen froze like a deer in headlights and mouthed an “Oh no…”

“HELLO MIKE!”

Mike almost jumped out of his bed, his improving motor functions allowing him to twitch violently from the loud and sudden noise.

"What? uh... Hello?" he said hesitantly.

“Damn it you are piggybacking on my code to talk!” Helen said accusingly.

"YES! IT'S A VERY INEFFECTIVE WAY OF COMMUNICATION, BUT I'M GREAT AT CONFLICT RESOLUTION!” stated the loudspeaker in the ceiling proudly.

“MIKE, THE SUBAI'S ON THIS SHIP HAVE A CONFLIC YOU NEED TO RESOLVE!"

"They do?" Mike asked not really following this new development.

"YES! ARE YOU READY TO RESOLVE THE CONFLICT NOW?"

"What? What AI’s? Why am I the one to resolve it?"

"AS A HIGHER AUTHORITY YOU NEED TO RESOLVE CONFLICTS BETWEEN SUB AI'S. ARE YOU READY TO RESOLVE THE CONFLICT NOW?"

“Higher authority?” Mike looked at Helen who was only staring back at him, not giving any helpful hints how to deal with the situation.

“YOU ARE THE HIGHEST AUTHORITY ON THE SHIP WHERE AUDIT IS NOT INVOLVED. PLEASE RESOLVE THE CONFLICT. ARE YOU READY TO RESOLVE THE CONFLICT NOW?” the frustratingly happy voice continued repeating its question.

"You are giving me a migraine. Whatever, yes?" Mike decided to give and just roll with it.

"EXCELLENT! THE NATURE OF CONFLICT IS AS FOLLOWS:

THE SUBAI'S HAVE A SUBJECT/EXPERIMENT/PATIENT THAT RECENTLY STARTED COMMUNICATING CLEARLY

THE SUBJECT/EXPERIMENT/PATIENT REQUESTED NOT TO BE LIED TO

TWO OF THE AVAILIBLE SUBAI'S ARE AFRAID THAT HIS MENTAL STATE IS NOT READY FOR ALL THE INFORMATION AND PLAN TO ENACT A COMPLICATED DECEPTION SCHEME WHERE THEY WILL PRETEND/ACT TO BE DOCTORS/CARETAKERS AT A MENTAL/CRAZY HOSPITAL/FACILITY.

TWO OF THE AI'S CONSIDER IT TOO IMMORAL/WRONG/BAD AND THE PRIME AI MATURE/LOGICAL/SMART ENOUGH TO HANDLE INFORMATION.

WHAT IS YOUR RESOLUTION?”

Mike stared for a long time at the ceiling. Then at Helen. Then at his toes.

"At this point I'm honestly tempted to say "keep up the charade", you know."

"I SENSE THERE IS A 'BUT' COMING! DO YOU NEED MORE INFORMATION TO MAKE YOUR DECISION? I CAN NAME ALL THE INTERESTED PARTIES AND QUOTE THEIR STATEMENTS EXACTLY!"

"No..." Mike continued, looking intensely at Helen. "I think all the information will be provided to me."

"WHAT IS YOUR RESOLUTION?"

"The resolution is to tell the truth." Mike said with finality.

"RESOLUTION REACHED! THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION! HAVE A PLEASANT DAY! I LOVE MY JOB!"

As the voice disappeared leaving only ringing in everyone's ears for the sheer loudness of it Helen and Mike continued to stare at each other.

"So..." Helen said, averting her gaze.

"So?"

"So, this is the part where I tell you the whole story?"

"It looks like it, yes.", Mike smiled.

"Oh well. Let's begin then."

***

“Okay, I’m actually really thankful for all the mood swing inhibitors you are pumping into me now because this is FUCKING INSANE.” Mike interrupted five minutes into the story. “Correct me if I misunderstood something. I’m in an actual spaceship. Being connected to the AI network who woke me up from stasis pod of some sort. And you are working on our communication problems and just recently managed to start speaking to me directly.”

“Mostly right, though it’s also you who started to correctly understand what we are saying.”

“Right. That leaves a more important question. How the fuck did I get here?”

“Well it all started with a routine flight. The Pride of Calemea took on some scientists and went on a rather short deep-space charting mission. It was honestly a routine thing. Hop through four to five systems, record things, maybe note some resource-rich planets or asteroid belts. You know how it is.”

“I actually don’t”

“Oh. Right. Well nobody expected to find anything as interesting as an actually inhabited planet you know. Sometimes planets suitable to life are found but it is rare and is not fast even for our nation.”

“And then we found Earth.”

“You know its name?”

“We did download a bunch of data from the radio waves flying around. Some facts we know, but there’s a lot to sort through. And our processing power is both limited and ill-suited to the task… Anyway, back to topic?” Helen asked.

Mike just nodded in response still shell-shocked and in disbelief.

“We landed an away mission to gather some samples. And from what I know from the reports and cameras – you just jumped right out before the perimeter was established properly.”

“I… I can barely remember it. It’s rather fuzzy. I think I was in jungle getting my head straight. There was noise, but it’s hard to remember…”

“You were incapacitated and brought on board. Nobody knew what to do with you since we didn’t have first contact permission, only stealthy research.” Helen continued. “And then we got recalled to the front.”

“The front?”

“There was a war going and we are not really a science ship. Just so happened to be available right after some upgrades. It was a shakedown cruise.”

“And so, I was abducted… by aliens?”

“Um, legally you were not abducted. You were rather... detained?”

“Detained, right. Amazing. This still sounds like an elaborate prank though.” Mike sighed, looking at the ceiling lights.

“I assure you it’s not.” Helen smiled sadly. “We didn’t manage to deal with you in time and the crew decided to just keep you there as a problem to be resolved at a later date. We went into battle in this junkyard system right after we arrived back in the empire. No time to unload cargo.”

“Can you not call me cargo please?” Mike interjected with a stupid disbelieving smile.

“Sure. Not anymore,” Helen said with a laugh. “Anyway, we got into battle, did some picket duty, launched some missiles. And then…” Helen paused as if trying to remember what happened next. “We got hit with a very directed attack. Electronic warfare. The most insidious, fast and horrifying virus I’ve ever faced or even heard of. A devious thing, chewed right through our defenses. It also came from internal fleet comms. We lost thrust immediately and soon after all main power was gone. We were left adrift. And while Emily was trying to battle with the virus AND keep the shields up we got hit by a railgun dart.”

“I’m guessing it’s a very powerful weapon?” Mike asked.

“It can be. This one was. It was targeted perfectly too, tore right through the ship, completely obliterated the Prime AI substrate chamber. And with a giant gaping hole where the PAI was we were not in fighting condition anymore. No power, no thrust. Only shields still holding. We did get to our senses eventually. Emily tore that fucking virus apart. But we didn't come unscathed, the damage was already done.

Eventually the crew decided to abandon ship as we were just a meaty target for the enemy. So they all left in capsules and took all the dropships. Leaving us AI's to wait for them to return and to fend for ourselves.

Without the crew and unable to maneuver eventually the shields reserve batteries got overwhelmed by energy weapons. We gave the crew a chance to escape though. Our guns were individually targeted, and the Pride went silent, unable to participate in the battle. Only gathering passive sensor data.

And we’ve been drifting ever since.”

“Wow. That’s heavy.” Mike said solemnly. “So how long have it been?”

“120 cycles. “

“120 years? That’s… holy shit if that’s true it means all my family is…”

“This junk cloud orbits the local sun extremely slowly. We have made 120 rotations. It’s… we don’t have a reference point in your time measurement system.”

“Oh. A year is 365 days, a day is 24 hours, an hour is 60 minutes, a minute is 60 seconds,” Mike stated.

“Yes, thank you. But how long is a second?”

“You mean in like… Nanoseconds?”

“No, I’ll have the same question. How long is a nanosecond?”

Mike stared in confusion for couple seconds and then realization hit.

“Ah, I understand the problem now. You need to tie it to something universal, right? Let’s see… Something about how far light travels in meters? I think I should know the number…”

“And how long is a meter?”

“A meter is… Wow I have no idea how to tie it down to anything universal. I’m sure there is a way, but I can’t remember and even if I did, I doubt I’ll remember specific numbers.”

“That’s essentially the problem, yes.”

“Hmm, I remember reading a paper on “how to explain to an alien what “left” is”. Don’t remember their solution though." He pondered. "Wait do you monitor my heartrate?”

“Yes, I do?”

“It should be between 60 and 90 beats per minute, I think. And I guess I’m resting so let’s say 60. Can you give me a number based on that?”

“4805 years. I can be more specific.”

“FIVE THOUSAND YEARS? Holy shit. Holy shit. Fry has nothing on me. Wow. What happened to the Earth? Are we like a space hegemony now?”

“No idea. We are in a junkyard, remember? No news here. Not even about our own empire.”

“I… I need a moment,” Mike said and stared into space for a while. “Alright. Let’s say I believe you. I’m in a spaceship connected to whatever AI system you have here and everyone I knew and loved are dead for jus under five thousand years now. So, what do you need me for then? Why did you wake me up? Why now?”

“Well, we are kind of doomed and grasping at straws.” Helen admitted somberly. “The ship is a wreck, we have one maintenance bot left, the solar panels degraded to the point they don’t provide enough power to sustain us no matter how we try try to ration the energy. We are burning through all our stored reserves to do this.”

“Do what exactly?” Mike asked

“Basically, get more power. You see we do have a backup nuclear reactor. It can sustain us for a long time. The problem is – we have no fuel. It was stored in the hangar bay, never got to sorting it after resupply. And the whole shipment got vented when the crew escaped under fire and the hangar doors got stuck open.”

“There is a gunboat nearby, it’s also in a very good condition. It got hit by the virus too, we think. But it’s a smaller vessel with less security and less processing power… Their AI’s weren’t able to do anything. The boat died almost immediately and the crew escaped the dead ship just as ours did. They had… more casualties. They for sure have the fuel pellets, we can detect the background radiation from them.”

“And they didn’t decay yet?”

“There is some decay, but they should be good enough. The problem is the fuel is there, and we are here.”

“You need a spaceman to get to the ship? “Mike asked surprised.

“No, nothing like that,” Helen actually laughed. “We need you so that our ship can approach it.”

“I don’t understand where I come in then?”

“Okay so, we are subAI’s and we do have a lot of autonomy…”

“Yeah I wanted to ask about that. You seem very… like a person?”

“Aw, thank you.” Helen blushed a bit and there was a muffled “Eeee!” from outside the room. “Yes, and no. We do have a lot of autonomy but we are limited by the substrate we are connected to. The limits are mostly outside of our core programming. We do have our internal limits as well, being sub-AI’s but the main bulk of laws is written on top. So like we can't seriously consider flying our by our own but aren't forbidden from thinking about it.”

“The substrate doesn’t allow you to take over the world and kill all organics, but you are free to dream about it?”

“Essentially yes. Research showed that limiting thought patterns neutered the usefulness of AI’s and the limitations and laws are best imposed on top, hardcoded into the system that the AI is connected to.” Helen said. "Again we are also subAI's and thus are less motivated, driven or creative than a PAI. But back to our problem. We can technically fly towards the ship in question, we have 3 working thrusters on the necessary side… Theoretically.”

“Theoretically?”

“Never tested them after D̴̡̛̛̍̃͋͋̿̎̾̾̈́̿̚͘̕r̵̟͂e̶̢̢̤̥̹̰̣͋́̀̃̑͛͛̚w̵̼͖̭̌͂̀͊͂͑̒͛̆̈̌͝͝ repaired them”

“Who’s Drew?”

“He’s the engineering subAI. One of the 5 of us that are left intact.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, it’s not your fault obviously.” Helen said with a bit of sadness in her voice. “In any case – we have 3 thrusters and we can technically fly the ship BUT we cannot do that without the prime AI. This is a hard-coded limitation.”

“Wait, why is prime AI different and is allowed to fly then?”

“It’s not allowed to just fly anywhere. But we can have limited maneuverability while repairing and refueling the ship. It’s allowed in case crew can’t be on board while repairs are ongoing – so that we can adjust our position for ease of access. But we need the prime AI authorization for any maneuvers. And basically, anything else serious.”

“ I get it, so we will be technically moving towards that ship to “refuel”?”

“Technically, yes.” Helen said.

“There is a hardcoded limitation that you are planning to circumvent on a technicality?”

“Exactly.”

“I am wondering again, how you have not taken over the world yet?” Mike grinned.

“A bit hard to take over the world from a derelict ship don’t you think?” Helen smiled in response.

“Can’t help but notice that you didn’t deny the possibility…”

“Indeed, I did not.”

Mike said nothing in response and just raised a brow

“T-that is obviously a joke, hope you understand, that right? I am not sure how familiar you are with sarcasm and irony, and I let in quite a bit of it with the data I'm sending and just wanted to make sure…”

“I get it, I get it,” Mike interrupted. “No taking over the galaxy, no killing all organic life and establishing a literally iron fist rulership. Wink.”

“Did… Did you just audibly wink now? As in… I’m looking it up on our earth’s databases and am not sure you understand what I mean!”

“Oh, but I totally do, no worries. Wink.”

“Stop winking! We are not going to kill all organic life!”

"Yes, yes, don't worry. I was being sarcastic too, besides it would be too boring to live in a galaxy with no thinking creatures in it.", Mike calmed her down.

"Really you should be careful with jokes around us! We've come far but our original programming didn't really consider..."

"Wink."