Chapter 150: Mental Trauma

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“Oh, look who’s back,” Fengi grumbled as she walked through the door to the grand hall, Saph and Essy close on her heels. Balethon and Heron were apparently on kitchen duty today. Balethon was just finishing setting the tables, while Heron was carrying in a pot of what Saph suspected was a stew of some kind. They were using all the tables and benches today with all their extra guests, so there were likely extra people in the kitchens too.

“Now now, he’s not that bad,” Essy protested once they’d all made it inside the hall proper. “And he was wounded fighting alongside Saph here. Some respect is in order.”

Saph winced a little at the memory; the sound of the snapping chain still burned into her mind. “That is true… and he was useful in the city after all.”

“Never said he wasn’t useful,” Fengi retorted. “Just annoying… and an arsehole at times.”

“Just ask Jacky about that last one,” Saph added as they started looking for a place to sit.

“Well, he got humbled quite a bit after that. Maybe the second humbling is what he needed,” Essy replied with a smile that was just a bit too wide.

That was when the recognizable voice of Jacky rang out from across the room, the tall woman waving at them and jogging over.

“There you are, you work shy bastards. Took you long enough.”

“Like you would want to be the one to show an inquisitor around,” Saph joked, receiving a slight poke from Fengi.

“They’re everywhere right now. Be respectful,” the small woman whispered in a hard tone, her eyes glancing around.

“Right… anyway, so mum got a lot of new tools. She’s damn near losing it right now I think.”

“I’m guessing inquisitorial hammers are up to standard then?” Essy asked with a chuckle, her smile turning more genuine.

“Oh you bet. So… all good with Yldril? You don’t have to keep her company at night?” Jacky asked, looking at Fengi with a rather genuine look of concern on her face.

“Yeah she’s good… I could use a proper meal.”

“Oh please, campfire food ain’t that bad,” Saph protested with a smile.

“No, but this is better.”

“Well, I think food should be about ready,” Essy said, taking the lead, the rest of them going to follow towards the big pot. “I think it might get a little tight today.”

They had all gotten their meals and gone to sit down at the huntress table. Essy had been proven right, as a couple of guards from both Galaxer and Archeon came over to sit at their table.

“Well this is cozy,” Saph chuckled as Fengi scooted a bit closer to make room. “I guess you got the company you wanted.”

“Yeah yeah, I love you too,” Fengi sighed with a smile, taking another bite.

“Anyone seen Tom yet?” Jacky added as the din of conversation started picking up around them. “Haven’t seen him for a bit.”

“What’s the matter Jacky? Afraid he’s alone with his new personal assistant?” Saph chuckled mischievously.

“Who?” Essy asked, looking around at them.

“Tom’s latest headache I guess,” Saph chuckled, glancing at Jacky, who was herself also busy looking around the room. Right on cue, Joelina strode into the room with a rather tired-looking Tom following, Edita hot on his heels. “And there he is.”

“Well, Jacky, I don’t think you need to worry much there. He looks sick of her already,” Saph chuckled, taking another bite of food.

“Still… she is very… friendly.” Jacky replied in a sceptical tone, tracking them, eyes narrowing.

“Now Jacky, no fighting with the inquisition over your boy toy,” Fengi snickered as she too tucked in.

“My what?!”

“Don’t mind her, she’s just in need of stretching her wings a little,” Essy interrupted in a calming tone, a warm smile on her face.

“No, I just wanted to make a little fun of Jacky,” Fengi said straight-faced, food still in her mouth. “Kinda want to not worry about every word I say for a bit.”

“Well in that case, did you see Balethon is back?” Jacky retorted, seeming rather unamused.

“Oh yeah, Saph said that. Where is he?”

“Guard table,” Saph pointed out helpfully, pointing with her fork. “I still wanna know where he got that little lizard at.”

“Canabrera got it for him,” one of the guards sitting at the end of the table said, Saph looking down and recognizing Udanti, the archer she had battled with back in the spring.

“Hi there,” Saph went with a wave, happy to see the older woman again.

“Hello… Canabrera got it for him as a present I believe.”

“Well you mean she left him with it,” Tirox, the little energetic guy, added with a laugh.

“Well, the thing was probably expensive. It’s a kind gift.”

“Expensive to care for you mean. I bet you she got it for free. It belonged to that mercenary you guys saw go splat,” Tirox snickered, the little guy gamely stealing a slice of bread from his neighbour despite being two heads shorter then both the women on either side of him.

“Apparently, it’s called Skitters,” Udanti sighed with a shrug.

“Oh… right,” Saph let out, staring into the middle distance for a second. “Well, is it sweet?”

“Oh no, it’s terribly behaved. Bites at ankles and ears and has a horrible temper,” Udanti replied, shaking her head once and taking another bite of bread, noticing she was missing a piece and glaring at Tirox.

“Hah, and now he has to take care of it,” Fengi added with a smile, gesturing with a half-full spoon. “I bet he’s gonna get into so much trouble with that thing.”

“As long as it doesn’t end up breaking anything expensive,” Saph shrugged, looking up to see Tom glancing around looking for a seat.

There were some free at the crafters table but their own was full. He seemed to think for a second before his shoulders slouched a little and he began walking towards the kids table to sit down.

“Someone is tired of answering questions,” Saph let out nodding towards the human.

“Yeah they have been at it all day… and most of yesterday,” Jacky added with a grumble.

“Jacky, you better give him a quiet evening. No dumb scheems or brainless ideas.”

“Not yet she won't. Inquisitor is having a chat with him in the library after this, closed doors. Heard it when they were putting shite in your bunker,” Tirox added in a whisper that still carried to the whole table.

“Oh… Oh shit” Jacky let out as she looked up, glancing between Tom and the inquisitor, who had sat down at the Bizmati family table. “Well at least he wormed his way out of her questions for… oh no you don't,” Jacky continued, Saph looking up to see Edita walking towards the kid's table with a big smile on her face.

“Now Jacky, before you… uhr never mind,” Saph tried as Jacky got up, taking her food with her. Essy and Fengi just looked at each other before scooting together making use of the newly found space. “Should we go over there too?”

“Don’t bother. This was always going to happen,” Essy replied, not seeming overly concerned.

“Maybe it will take that Artificer's mind off asking him questions for at least a bit in order to figure out how to appease an angry Jacky,” Fengi snickered, also looking over at the kids’ table.

“She didn’t strike me as one with overly many social skills,” Saph admitted before going back to her food. “Do speak up if something interesting happens. I want to eat while it’s still hot.”

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“So she’s like your assistant too?” Kiran asked as soon as Tom had finished explaining who the woman in the workshop had been.

“Yes Kiran, she’s my assistant too.”

“But I’m still firstest assistant, right?”

“Of course, little fella,” Tom chuckled, ruffling the little guy’s head, Kiran letting out a little happy shriek.

“Is this where you normally sit?” Edita then asked from behind him. Tom let out an internal sigh as he tried not to wince.

“Yes…”

“You sit with the children. Fascinating. Is it because of their many ideas?”

“No… Just sorta ended up being tradition… I started out on nanny duty here,” Tom replied reluctantly.

“You’re kidding. They had you watching the kids?”

“What’s more important than the future generation?” Tom replied, paying more attention to his food.

“You seem slack eared all of a sudden. Something wrong?”

“Might just need some time to think before Joelina goes through my noggin, that’s all. Maybe you could sit with the craftspeople for now? I’m sure both Tink and Shiva have a lot of questions.”

“He’s doing a big think!” Kiran declared loudly, before climbing up into Tom’s lap and looking at Edita defiantly.

“I… Who are you?” she replied, staring down at the kid, clearly more confused by what she was seeing than anything else

“I’m Kiran. Tom’s bestest friend.”

“Oh… Hi, I’m Edita.”

“Hi,” Kiran replied pointedly, chin raised. “Tom is thinking. I can answer questions.”

Tom had to do his very best not to giggle at that as he hid his face in his hands.

“Okay?…” Edita questioned, looking like she had no clue what’s going on.

“Or you could leave him alone for a bit,” Jacky then said, Tom shooting up and turning to look at her, not having heard her approach. Kiran for his part latched onto Toms chest, hanging there, maintaining his stare at Edita the whole time.

“Oh.. you’re the smith's daughter, right?”

“Yes… I’m also his girlfriend,” Jacky replied in a familiarly unfriendly tone.

‘oh shit, here we go,’ Tom cursed to himself.

“What does that mean?” Edita asked, tilting her head and looking at Jacky. There was no sass or sarcasm to be found in her tone. Just genuine confusion.

It would seem Jacky, just like Tom, had not quite been ready for that reply as they both stared at the artificer for a second or two.

“It’s your bestest girl friend,” Kiran let out with an over-exaggerated sigh, like anyone should know that.

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“I see.”

“No, it means I love him and he loves me,” Jacky corrected after taking a few seconds to get back on track. “And he needs just a little bit of peace and quiet right now I think.”

“Love him?... I mean, I love his work.”

‘Oh boi,’ Tom mused to himself, not sure if he should find the current situation funny or scary as Jacky stared down the artificer, a hint of a snarl creeping onto her face.

“No Edti… Eda… You,” Turinai spoke up, raising her spoon and waving to Edita, getting her attention. “Love is when two people like each other so much they want to stay together forever and ever.”

“No, that’s marriage,” Holdey corrected, launching a mini argument on that small topic. “My mum and dad are married.”

Edita just looked more confused, and Jacky was clearly fuming.

“Oookay, I think, Edita, you should just go over there and sit with Shiva and the other crafters. You’ll get your questions answered, but maybe just wait till tomorrow please… I have a feeling Joelina is going to be knocking me for a loop after this.”

“Oh… right,” the artificer let out in a low tone, looking really quite sad, confusion clear on her face as she looked around at the kids, ears hanging down the side of her face.

“Go ask Tink or something. Or maybe have a talk with Essy about what love is. I’m sure she would love that particular topic,” Jacky added, putting an arm around Tom’s neck and resting it on his shoulder leaning in for a whisper. “You need some peace and quiet for just a bit come on.”

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“Okay… Right, she’s coming over here, make some room or something,” Fengi said as the clearly lost-looking Edita apparently decided their table was the right one, walking over slowly with her food.

“At least Jacky didn’t hit her,” Saph sighed as she made room.

“Who’s Essy?” the Artificer asked, coming to a stop.

“That’s me,” Essy went, raising a hand.

“Hi… Jacky said I needed to ask you something, can I sit down?”

“Sure,” Essy replied with a big smile, gesturing at the by now many free spots as they all scooted away a bit more.

“Thank you,” Edita went with a fake-looking smile, her ears hanging too low as she set down the food before stepping over the bench and sitting down. She looked around at them all with a perturbed expression, eyes stopping on Essy. “So uhm… What is love?”

They had already quieted down a little watching the exchange between Tom, Jacky, and Edita, but now they were silent as they all stared at Edita. The woman clearly grew quite uncomfortable under all the staring, glancing from side to side getting smaller in her seat.

“Oh… that’s uhm,” Essy slowly replied, clearly not quite sure where to start with that one.

“Have you never really liked a person before? Felt like you would do anything for them?” Fengi tried, leaning on her elbows.

“Uhm… I don’t think so?”

“How is that even possible?” Essy let out, looking like she regretted it immediately, covering her mouth.

“I… I don’t know?!” Edita squeaked, shrinking down in her seat even further.

“No no, it’s fine. Uhm… I’ve just never heard of anyone who’s never been in love before,” Essy replied in a careful tone, sounding like she was really trying her hardest to pick her words. Saph was just sitting there trying to work out how the hell an adult could not know about love.

“I love my work?” Edita tried equally carefully looking like she hoped that was the right answer.

“Right, okay. That’s a start.” Essy replied in a kind motherly tone, clearly thinking hard about a response.

“How many people did you grow up with?” Saph then interjected, tilting her head just a little bit.

“Oh, hundreds,” Edita replied seeming more comfortable with that line of questioning.

“And for how long was that… As in, how old were you when you were sent off for training or however that works?”

“I’ve been trained from birth.”

“Okay… that clears some of it up,” Essy replied, looking like some pieces were at least falling into place. “Why don’t you tell us a bit about how it is, growing up as an artificer.”

“I don’t think I can,” Edita let out sheepishly, shooting a glance towards where Joelina was sitting. “Many secrets involved.”

“Okay… so, no details about secrets then? Did you ever get to play with other kids?”

“Oh yeah, plenty. We would assemble things against the clock, compete for the best polish, play ‘guess the thread,’ loads of fun stuff.”

“You weren’t kidding… How long did this go on?”

“I mean… forever to an extent. Some people got sent off to other places.”

“You lived your entire life… where exactly?” Udanti the archer asked, tilting her head.

“The capital… I- I’m not saying more than that to you… sorry.”

“No no, it’s fine. I don’t wanna get shot in the back cause I heard too much.”

“No one is getting shot around here,” Saph clarified, looking rather sternly at Udanti. “But no. No secrets… If you can manage that.”

Udanti just shrugged, not looking overly bothered as she took another bite of food.

“So you spent your whole life in one place with both guys and girls around?... And no one ever loved anyone?”

“I mean… we had good friends… But the machines. The machines are everything,” Edita went, shoulders sagging a little, looking off into the middle distance.

“You’re creeping me out just a little right now girl,” Saph let out reluctantly.

“But… Sorry.”

“No no, don’t be sorry,” Essy tried in a comforting tone. “So… no one was ever… together?”

“I don’t get it,” the artificer let out, looking very sad.

“No one got married?” Essy tried again, clearly grasping at straws.

“You mean to say lots of people in one place and no kids resulted?” Fengi interrupted, sounding more than a little skeptical.

“Oh no. We can’t have kids.”

“Wait, what?!” Essy blurted out as they all stopped to stare at the artificer.

Edita just froze, staring around at them all and looking almost scared. “Did I say something wrong?”

“Edita… Where do you think kids come from?”

“Outside obviously, from the cities.”

“A little more literally.”

“Uhm… Well, a man and a woman come toget-”

“Right, that will do,” Essy interrupted, shifting a little in her seat. “But you can’t have kids?”

“...No.”

“Is everything alright over here?” the familiar voice of Investigator Paulin rang out with an air of authority.

“Oh yes, perfectly,” Saph replied with a forced smile.

“I see someone forgot how my ears work… Edita, you are at liberty to discuss your work with these people. Not the inner workings of your order… Understood?”

“Perfectly, ma’am.”

“Very good. Carry on. It is not illegal for you to learn of the outside world any longer after all.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

‘You have got to be shitting me,’ Saph cursed to herself, looking after the investigator then back to the scared-looking artificer.

“It’s okay. We’ll work it out,” Saph tried comfortingly, reaching over the table to take Edita’s hand and holding it for a bit. “We can just tell you everything we know instead.”

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Jacky had come to the rescue in his hour of need. She had whisked him away to their room to eat and just have a bit of peace and quiet. He hadn’t said much aside from thanks as they both ate, trying to work out what he should do about an inquisitor going to probe inside his head.

The results had been pathetic. He had no clue what to do. Could he hide anything? Could she feel if he tried? There were always things one wanted to keep private. And what about emotions? Could she feel them too?

So here he was, standing in front of the doors to the library. He was fairly sure Joelina was inside, and he knew Jacky had followed him, likely dead set on trying to listen in through the door. It wasn’t like he could stop her anyway.

Swinging open the door, he was confronted by Joelina sitting in Apuma’s chair and the armored woman standing in the corner looking at him.

“So… is this the part where you go through my childhood memories?”

“Some of them, maybe,” Joelina replied, gesturing for him to come in. Tom complied, closing the doors behind him. Joelina for her part got up, tilting her and head looking him up and down.

”I will be completely honest. I first and foremost want to work out just where you are lying and about what. It’s clear you have ended up so deep in a web of deceit, at which you are hopelessly incompetent, that you have no idea how to get back out. Certainly a useful thing in some situations, but I would quite like the big picture.”

“And if my memory serves, the fighting ends poorly,” Tom replied with an understanding nod. ‘Called a liar before sitting down. Strong start.’

“Quite. I would also like to know if this would even work. You are everything but a standard subject after all.”

“Not scared you might fry mine, yours, or both our brains doing this? Linkosta had her doubts.”

“I’m quite certain I’m safe,” Joelina replied with an ever so slight smile, gesturing at Apuma’s big chair.

“Marvellous,” Tom replied, sitting down in the comfy chair. He knew Jacky was standing right outside the door by now, so a cry for aid would likely have him freed in short order. But he got where Joelina was coming from. She wanted to know if he was full of shit and what was actually on his mind. He would be pulling the same trick in her shoes right about now.

“So. As you have clearly heard, do not try to fight me or it may… fry you. As you so eloquently put it. Do try to get comfortable. The rest won't be. I will be going through the memories that are most burned in. The big points, so to speak. Don’t bother trying to hide anything. It will only draw attention to it.”

“This better go in a damn good commendation that I’m doing this willingly. Ever tried reading the mind of a non-dragonette?”

“I started with rats. Don’t worry, I think you will be quite different. And I do promise to try my best to make this… less uncomfortable,” Joelina replied as she leaned in over him, placing her fingers on his temples and forehead.

What followed was a strange sensation as Tom started feeling like he was drifting off to sleep. The strange spiraling colors one so often sees started to spring into his vision even though his eyes were open.

He decided closing them was probably a good idea, as he started developing a slight headache which quickly turned into a full migraine. He took a breath, clutching at the armrest of the comfy chair, as the pain increased. Images started to form like he was in a lucid dream.

“Let’s start from the beginning,” he heard a voice boom out. It sounded nothing like Joelina, a deep echoey tone to it that seemed to come from everywhere at once. He started seeing places he recognized as well as people… he felt something with each one. Hate… longing… happiness. The pain was still there like a bad migraine, but it was bearable, and this… this was certainly something.

“You are a natural I see. Let it flow nice and slow,” the voice boomed as the pictures kept coming. Tom felt a spike of pain when they stopped on something before continuing, not a word spoken.

Happy memories, sad memories. All things he could remember to some extent from his past. Going to the beach with his parents, falling off a bicycle when he was a little kid, being bored in class. On and on they went, stopping on what he figured Joelina found interesting. A few were even replayed, like a happy memory of getting his first computer. Those hurt a lot, like Joelina's fingers were driving hot nails into his skull..

They just keep coming though, nice and steady. School days, good days and bad ones. All the memories becoming newer and newer. His parents aging before his eyes. His dad starting to fade away. He felt more and more sadness, not sure if it was the memories or watching his dad’s mind-breaking in front of him emphasized by all the bad times.

His last day of work, the day they had to take his driver’s license away, the last time he remembered who Tom was, and finally the day he managed to slip in the bath and break his neck. Joelina lingered on that memory. Tom didn’t care why. Nor did he care that it hurt. He just looked through his own eyes at his dad lying on the floor in the bathroom, blood pooling on the floor… and all he felt was relief.

It was cruel… It was horrible. But it was likely the best day Tom had that year. ‘Cause, it was over and his dad had been dead for a long time by then. Every day had been hell for both him and mum. Especially mum, and it was finally over.

“You loved him, didn’t you?” the voice rang out, sounding surprisingly tender and caring compared to before. Tom didn’t answer, instead just staring blankly, knowing what was coming next.

Next memory was his first day of boot camp. He needed to get away from it all, and what better place to do it than one where thinking got you shouted at. At least that had been the idea.

It had sort of worked. Just not quite how he expected it. He had made some real friends there, people he trusted and felt he understood. None of the corporate bullshit and empty smiles. Just a bunch of dudes laughing at a racist joke cause it was actually funny.

“And there’s the soldier,” the voice rang out again as the memories became less spread out, smaller things getting picked out. Mostly about his training. Then came his first deployment. His mom saying goodbye with tears in her eyes. He knew she would be crying her heart out that night, all because he had to get away from it all.

Joelina slowed down to a snail’s pace now, the pain growing unbearable as he felt himself writhe in agony through the sleeplike memory.

“Shsss now… I want to see this… this is new. You remember it well.”

Tom didn’t share her enthusiasm as he sat there powerlessly, staring at his old friends walking around smiling, joking… happy. And she made him watch it all in detail. He tried to shout at her. Or just do something… But he couldn’t even move, despite feeling his body writhing and protesting in the chair. He started feeling tight in the chest, struggling to breathe as he involuntarily climbed back up into the passenger seat of the truck.

‘No no, please. No please no!’

“Why is this so vivid?” the voice asked, confusion showing as they drove along, Tom looking out of the window and not doing overly much. It was a quiet drive. Even sort of pretty if you liked barren dirt with mountains in the background. All Tom could do was stare in horror, heart in his throat as he tried to remember what building it was.

He failed as the explosion rang out, throwing him forward into the windscreen, the armored glass holding. He could feel the pain, every ounce of it, as he tumbled around the cabin before the truck came back down with a crash, Tom landing in the footwell.

He clambered around aimlessly as his head cleared, blearily looking around the cabin. The driver was already opening his door, dropping to the ground. Tom could hear the shouting and screaming from the back. He clambered over the broken seat to the door, fumbling with it before kicking it open, crawling out and half falling down into the sandy dirt. Looking up, he called out for the rest of his squad as he crawled along the side of the vehicle.

“What happened?” the inquisitor asked confusedly. Tom could feel himself starting to cry as the crater hove into view along with the ruined rear of the truck. Tom propped himself up against it to look into the gaping hole of shredded metal left by the IED. Then the gunfire began as he instinctively hit the deck, crawling into the crater and looking around for anyone he knew.

Vigo was sitting in the dirt, leant back against the wall of the crater and staring at him blankly. The white of his eyes was the only bright left on his blackened face. His pants were a ruined mess of black and crimson laying loosely and holding the remnants of his ruined legs. Tom scrambled through the dust and dirt to his side, taking Vigo’s IFAK and putting the lollipop in his mouth, looking for the tourniquet and starting to tie off the thigh.

“Det er okay. Du skal nok klare den… det er slet ikke så slemt.”

Tom could do nothing but watch himself fumble with the soon bloodied equipment, getting out his own kit as well to tie off the other leg, the gunfire deafening him as he scrambled with wet gloved hands. He was stopped by a hand yanking him away, sending him to the dirt looking up at Morten, his squad lead, standing above him. Morten went to speak, but suddenly the man’s brains were blown across the crater, the once brave man collapsing into a pile at Tom’s feet.

He kicked and scrabbled back from the dead man, looking to Vigo, who was just staring at the body while sitting perfectly still. Tom looked back towards the truck, seeing more men jump off and down into the crater as the bullets whizzed around them. All were injured to some extent, and there were a lot fewer coming out of the truck than had gotten in. Torben was shot in the shoulder as he jumped down, the bear of a man letting out a roar as he rolled around clutching the wound.

Tom just sat there next to Vigo, watching his squad get torn apart and pinned down as they all huddled against the sides of the crater for cover. There was not an able body among them, some shouting into radioes, Tom wondering where everyone else was. This was a convoy. Where the fuck was everyone!

“HVOR FANDEN ER DE ALLE SAMMEN!” he shouted out, looking around but receiving no reply. A mortar round missed their crater, deafening all of them for a second.

“DE FUCKING BOMBER US!” Vigo screamed out in panic as he clutched Tom’s arm.

“JEG VIL IKKE DØ I ET HUL!” Torben shouted out, writhing in pain as dirt rained down over them, the incessant gunfire continuing, the vehicles behind them having pulled up and commenced fire on the enemy.

Tom just patted Vigos arm, not sure what that would do, before pulling free and crawling towards Torben. “JEG KOMMER!”

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