Hello, I know I'm not like most writers but hey, at least I'm trying. My life has been a crazy fucking rollarcoaster. Not to sound too morbid but there's been a shit ton of nothing but dramaa, anger issues, alcoholism, and a lot of deaths. And i don't care how many people see or don't see this, I'm just writing this to help my brain out. Everything was ok with my life growing up as a kid, not having a care in the world, blah blah blah. Everything started to go downhill once i hit 14. Now, you might be wondering how downhill did it go? Well, back then I didn't know the lenghts this would go. My dad passed away from liver disease when i was 14, i moved back in with my grandma aka his mom. Let's just say the family relationship between her and i went south..... FAST!! She started drinking more than normal, then when my grandpa died from suicide it went to feeling like i was living in hell.
When i was in my junior year i FINALLY got my license after fighting with my grandparents, I was happy, little did I know I was shortly going to become an errand girl. I was doing store runs, grocery runs, med runs once I hit 18. By the time I hit 21 I was doing alcohol runs and cigarette runs for grandma and I. I smoke due to all the stress, don't judge. I was doing EVERYTHING i was told or asked to do, barely having any time for myself between school and working and when I wanted to relax, I hear my grandma talking shit about it, same from my uncle. Everyday of my life since I got my license I felt unapprreciated, belittled, worthless, and used. Now that I'm 22 and FINALLY away from all that it's still ingrained in my mind that even though I'm doing so much everyday that it legit makes me feel exhausted I still feel like I'm barely doing jack shit.
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My amazing boyfriend, going on 5 months, tries to help me realize how much I'm actually doing, how I'm actually helping out and making sure him and I have a roof over our heads, food in our stomachs, be able to go places, and still be able to pay the bills and have time for him and I. But even with all that, my family has ENGRAINED into my brain that I'm not worth anything and that I should be doing more. Like for example, cleaning the WHOLE house, making sure my rooms clean, making sure the cars always running, and so much fucking more. I also have a very supportive, small friend group in real life and also online. Now, I am leaving out A LOT of stuff out of this because I don't want to make this super fucking long. I'm still trying to come to terms that I'm not living with my family anymore and it's going to take a long time for my brain to be pretty much re wired and realize I can be my own person now. Without judgement and feeling like a modern day slave and that I'm not a worthless piece of shit.
Currently when this poosibly gets posted, I don't have a job, trying to get ready for Christmas, and more adulting. Which although is super stressful, I will somehow manage like I always do. I have such an amazing support system, amazing friends, the best boyfriend in the world, and even with how my brain is they all understand and help me in every way they can and I appreciate them so much. I can't see life without them honestly, without all the good people in my life I'd be depressed on the daily, living my life they way other people want me to live, etc. Thank you for anyone who takes the time to read this. I may write more but my damn brain is running out of shit to write. Say whatever you want, good or bad I don't care, I've been bullied all my ife so nothing can really hurt me now.