Kalaisa kept scrubbing the toilet seat and sink to clean off the piss and brown mess, with her paws trembling from barely contained rage. Shit! Everything, everything is covered in shit! One toilet was clogged with a mix of paper and bone, and she had to fix it, choking on the disgusting smell. Bastards! What have they been eating to make this kind of mess? And how come some of them didn’t digest bones?!

Why were you hurting your family? Janine asked her.

Kalaisa wasn’t sure why the bitch kept pestering her with this question every time she was going to visit her. Tonight, like usual, she went to the bloodied warlord for guidance. She half-expected the woman, who still bled like cusack, to throw her out, but Janine kept her word and her doors open.

Because it is their fault that I am in this situation. Kalaisa remembered her answer and how she trailed back and forth across the room, trying not to look into these bored amber eyes. Had they only been strong, had they only had the dignity to not hold me back after everything that I have been doing for them!

You are lying. Janine sneezed. Kalaisa. You can try to make amends and fake a change of behavior all you want. But you can’t really get better and move on without answering this simple question. Why?

Fuck off, old bitch. Kalaisa trembled with rage, accidentally allowing the automatic pump to fall. The dam device came crashing apart against the floor. What does Janine think she knows? Lying, as if! Kalaisa was the reason her useless siblings survived; she guarded them in the pits, fed them, and stood guard when these useless pieces of shit whined in their sleep, calling Mommy and Daddy! The bastards who left them! No one ever called her! She cared for them, and they always looked at her in fear! Even before she started to… started to…

Storming out of the toilet cabin, Kalaisa sat on the floor. And besides, what does it matter? Her brothers were males; that’s it. They deserve to be dominated; she had done nothing wrong! They are the ones who held her back and stole her happy future! Happy… With trembling fingers, Kalaisa started reassembling the pump, putting the chords back into sockets, and mounting the rubber tube back.

Kalaisa could have been normal. If… If only she were admitted into Alpha’s pack. Respect that she so richly deserves, good pay, and free time on her paws! Had she been admitted into Alpha’s pack, she would’ve never won her first domination match; she would’ve started from the bottom and been normal, and she would be able to relax for the first time and… And be okay.

The rubber tube fell from her fingers, causing Kalaisa to let out a growl.

“Shit among shit, how fitting,” a cheerful voice said. Lifting her head, Kalaisa saw Bogdan coming inside.

“Do you mind, shithead?” She almost broke the pump in her paws. “I am trying to work here. Find yourself another toiler… Bastard!”

Kalaisa recoiled in disgust when Bogdan came closer and started taking a leak into a sink near her head, almost showering her with his yellowish liquid. She rose to full height, casting her shadow on him and struggling to keep her desire to see his insides on the ground in check.

“What is your problem, piss-for-brain? You want to die?”

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“You heard the Blessed Mother.” The insufferable scum flashed a smile at her, still continuing his business! “Try touching me, and Lacerated One will see you skinned. As for my problem, well… You don’t deserve to be in the army or anywhere close to my family,” his voice turned chilly. “I have spoken with your brothers and sister. I know what you did to them, you sick psycho. And now you cling to my mother, like some wounded cub in need of cuddling. You aren’t a hot shit, you know it? You are not a soldier, just a useless bully. Because of your behavior, you got your ass handed to you, and someone else had to go on the mission. And died as a result, taking a place in the grave so richly reserved for you.”

Kalaisa felt her fist closing and blood pumping in her temples. Her eyes opened wide, narrowly threatening to fall out of the sockets. Remembering Janine’s lessons, she looked aside, taking deep breaths. First. The fucker knows nothing. Second. What, he thinks she doesn’t blame herself? Third. She volunteered, dammit! It wasn’t her fault! Who does this self-righteous prick think he is? Bogdan had everything easy: a mother, a father, and a family that actually cares! Kalaisa had none of it; her siblings were useless; she had to try to whip them into shape after the shame that they brought to her! It was all their fault, not hers! She was ready to go and die if necessary; it was Janine’s fault; she refused Kalaisa the spot on the team; she…

She let someone die. The realization slowly sank its teeth into her. It does make sense, doesn’t it? Had Kalaisa not spent all her free time beating down her siblings, had she trained and kept her pack up to date, she would’ve gone on the mission that night, because Ashbringer would not bother with beating her. Kalaisa would’ve cleaved a bloody road in her advance and… And the others would still be alive.

“Get the fuck out.” She spoke through clenched fangs, feeling her body shake. “Now! Or I will report you for… unworthy behavior in front of the commanding officer.”

“Sure, ma’am.” Bogdan finished his business deliberately slowly and walked to the exit, stopping before the door. “I have ears, Kalaisa. I know now that you boasted about harming Marco before Ashbringer put you in a place where you belong.” The claws came from his fingers, splintering the wood. “You are always whining about not being where you belong. Well, listen here. Try to even scratch my brother, and I will see you ending up in a place where you truly belong. And no one will bat an eye.”

Kalaisa jumped after him, slamming the door shut with enough force to damage the jamb. A groan left her lips upon seeing the crack. Dammit, now she needs to fix this too! She returned to the pump, reassembling it more slowly this time, using her claws to push screws into positions, taking slow breaths, and not caring about smells anymore.

Why were you hurting your family? When she failed to give a satisfying answer, Janine sent Kalaisa to clean the toilets again. But… She didn’t lie, right? Her siblings were weak; they stole her future in spite of everything she was doing for them. They deserve to suffer, just like she is suffering! There wasn’t anything else.

Kalaisa tried to remember the past, when she came back from the pits, carrying food for the squeaking nubbins at home. Tired, bloody, and feeling pain in her every bone, she would sit down and feed her siblings. Did she… did she really never care about them? If so, why did she care about their wellbeing? Why in the world did she push herself so far to ensure their survival?

She bit her lips, getting progressively angry at herself for wasting so much time beating Kirk. She could’ve trained her pack! Or teach them new tricks or learn more about a battle herself. Why did she… Why in the Spirits holy names did she waste so much of her life for something so petty, so… useless.

Kalaisa didn’t pay much attention to Bogdan’s threat. A, he is a male. What is he going to do—bleed on her? B, she is the one expendable. Like all normal people, Anji has people who care for her; this bastard Bogdan has a family who cares for him and friends to boot! Even that pipsqueak Marco is honestly adorable; no wonder Anji always tries to help him. Whom does Kalaisa have? No one, zero. Bogdan spoke true; should she die right now, ain’t no one will care.

I wish I was normal. Kalaisa reassembled the pump and looked at the doorjamb. I can fix it. She promised herself.