Chen’s POV
Here I am
Standing in the doorway of my living room, watching my parents go about their everyday life. Not realising that I’m about to start one of the most important conversations of our lives. Or my life, at least.
I’m going to tell them that I’m bisexual
I’m sure that would seem like nothing to other people- but those who have been through it, those who have done it. They knew exactly what I was feeling right now. Nervous, sick. I wanted to believe they would take it well. I had been trying to bring it up casually in conversation every now and then; observing how they would react to the topic. Facial expression, tone of voice. Anything. As long as it gave me a sign, a hint of what their reaction was going to be like. But I couldn’t tell. Every expression had multiple meanings, each tone of voice sounding both supportive and angry at the same time. I was...Unsure. And that was something I had never been before.
I wasn’t unsure of myself, not at all. I knew who I really was deep down and whatever their reactions were; anyone’s reaction was I was going to be myself unapologetically without a doubt. Or at least that was what I had been telling myself for the past five minutes while I watched my parents- feeling like a stranger in my own home. A feeling I hoped I wouldn’t have to grow accustomed to. I let my fingers find the hem of my skirt, fiddling with it while I tried to find the words to say. But they all seemed to get trapped in my throat or lost within the other thoughts rushing inside my mind.
“Hey”
A small voice spoke up from behind me, I felt the warmth of a hand touching my shoulder and almost instantly all my fears and worries seemed to melt away. I let my chocolate brown eyes meet with the blue eyes of my best friend, Charlie Summers.
Charlie and I had been friends since I had first moved to America. We had met in kindergarten and she was the first person to truly give me their time of day, being patient with me while I learned the language and culture which was all so new to me. And ever since the two of us had been inseparable. She was like...The milk to my cookie, peanut butter to my jelly, wasabi to my sushi. I loved her... In some weird...Best friend kinda way.
“It’s gonna be okay.”
Her New York accent was thick, thicker than mine could ever be. But the harshness of her accent didn’t mask the kindness behind her words. Ocean-blue hues looked at me with this softness that only her eyes could master. Her hand gripping at my shoulder firmly; not enough to hurt me but sure enough to ground me back into reality. I nodded, she was right. It would be okay. It had to be okay. I took in a deep breath, exchanging one more glance at Charlie before finally turning around and striding into the living room with all the confidence I could muster.
I let my eyes flicker between the two of them; neither had noticed my confident stride but that was okay. Charlie had, and that was enough to keep my confidence high. Though my nerves were quickly rushing back to me, my stomach twisting and tying into a knot. I stood there for a brief second before walking over to an empty spot on the sofa and falling into the plush velvet, letting my body sink into it, the warmth wrapping around me.
My Dad looked up from beside me, dull black hair falling in front of his umber eyes, a sparkle in them that always made his presence much kinder. A comfort I was longing for right now.
“Chen, I didn’t hear you come in!” He spoke up, a smile tugging on his lips, dimples forming on his round cheeks. The deep lines around his eyes and face not only showed his wisdom but also evidence of the joy throughout his life. My Dad, he was always finding a reason to smile even in the hardest of times. I like to think it’s him I got my carefree nature from.
“Yeah, guess it’s just the spy in me.” I replied, following it up with a laugh. I could hear the nervousness behind it- and I’m pretty damn sure they heard it too. “Hi, Mum.”
My mother smiled at me, her own espresso brown eyes had confidence behind them; something I had idolised from a young age and worked into my own personality. My father may have given me my carefree nature but my mother was the reason for my independence. The silence was starting to grow around the room. An awkwardness in the air. I had to do something. Say something. Anything.
“How was work, Dad?” I asked, changing the topic. My voice had a slight stutter to it, something which I had never done before. I wasn’t one to stutter but this? This was enough to make even the strongest man weak to his knees. The fear of rejection, of the unknown, the difference.
My mother and father threw a glance between one another, I could see the concern growing onto their faces now; they probably thought I was in danger. Or hell, maybe that I was pregnant. I’m pretty sure my Mum would appreciate that more than what I was going to say. I want to say she’s going to take this well, she did with Charlie at least. But I’m different. I’m her daughter.
“It was okay.” He was shrugging now, eyes locking with mine once more before sitting forward in his chair and placing a large hand on my shoulder. “You don’t have to dither, Chen.” He started, I looked down toward the cream carpet. I knew he had picked it up. “Is there something you want to talk about?”
I paused for a few seconds, I was still trying to find the words to say, but I knew deep down that the words would never come to me; that I just had to let whatever words needed to be said to flow from my lips.
“Actually,” I started, my eyes glancing between the two before resting on Charlie lingering in the doorway. Her blue eyes were wide and she threw up her hands, giving me two thumbs up. I couldn’t help but smile, my Mum glancing behind briefly and seeing the blonde curls disappear behind the door frame.
“There is something I want to say.” I finished, letting the pause linger for a few moments. I finally took a deep breath, closing my eyes- the nerves were eating away at me now and I could feel my hands trembling. I wanted to keep my eyes closed so I didn’t have to see their reactions but at the same time, I knew if I didn’t see it, I would never forgive myself. My chocolate brown hues opened once more as my lips parted.
“Mum, Dad.” I addressed them both, something I only did when I was serious.
“I’m Bisexual.” The words flowed from my lips a lot smoother than I had expected, I had been anticipating a jumbled mess of words trying to string themselves into a coherent sentence. But no, I guess I knew what I wanted to say a lot more than I realised. So why did the weight on my shoulders feel heavier than before? My parents stared at me, the silence pushing down more weight onto my already weak shoulders, but seeing the smile curl onto my father’s lips lifted all that weight simultaneously. He wasn’t mad, he wasn’t disappointed. I glanced at my mother briefly but she was staying silent for now, her face full of more confusion than anything else.
“Chen..” My father started before pulling me into an embrace, I melted into his warm arms letting my wrap around him, thankful.
Unlawfully taken from Royal Road, this story should be reported if seen on Amazon.
“I’m so proud of you, being able to open up to us about this.” The smile stayed lingering on his lips, his thumb rubbing against my cheek- something he had done ever since I was a child.
“You’re...Not mad at me?” I finally asked, thankful for the response I had received. I watched as one of his eyebrows rose in confusion before shaking his head.
“Mad at you? Why on earth would we be mad at you for being open about who you are.” he paused, pushing some of my black locks behind my ear. “That’s all we’ve ever taught you to be. Open and unapologetic about being you.” He was right, it was single-handedly the one tradition Dad always took seriously. I let my breath escape my lips finally.
“Wait.”
My Mum spoke up, turning all attention onto her now. I could even feel Charlie’s ocean hues peering from behind the door frame.
“What about children?” She finally asked, her voice wasn’t filled with anger, more confusion but that didn’t stop all the insecurities I had been feeling before come crashing back down onto me with force. My shoulders slumping at the metaphorical weight.
“Zhao.” My Dad spoke up, his voice now sounding stern. I watched my mother look towards him before looking back toward me.
“No, no.” She started, I held my breath, waiting. “I’m proud of you! Just...I was just curious...If you’re gay-”
“Mum…” I cut her off now, her words, though not meaning to cause pain, still stung like a whip lashing across my back. “I’m bisexual, not gay. That means I like guys...And girls.” I explained, my fingers finding the hem of my skirt once more as I ran my thumb over the material.
“Which is perfectly okay, isn’t it, dear?” My Dad spoke up once again, placing his hand on top of mine.
“Are you sure you’re not just confused?” My mother spoke up again.
“What- no!” This time I became defensive. What did she mean by confused? I was confused a year ago when I didn’t have a word or wanted to admit who I really was. But I wasn’t anymore. I know I like girls and guys. I know I’m bisexual.
“Zhao, I think we as parents need to research bisexuality more, to fully understand what our daughter is saying.” He started before pausing. “But, that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be supporting her, just because we don’t feel the same doesn’t mean it isn’t real.”
The silence now filled the living room which long ago was bustling with life, I had to wonder, was it my fault? No, all I did was be true to myself. My Mom...She would come around in time- I hoped. But I was thankful my Dad was on my side, supporting me. I smiled a little to myself before getting pulled out of my thoughts, hearing a cluttering sound coming from the kitchen. All three of us looked up to see Charlie quickly stepping away from a few pans which had fallen from their hook. Her blue eyes widened and she turned toward us, rubbing the back of her neck and laughing awkwardly.
“Hello, Mr and Mrs Liu.” She spoke up, I bit back a laugh; hearing the tone of embarrassment weaved in between Charlie’s high pitched voice, her blonde curls tumbling in front of her face.
“Hello, Charlie.” My Dad spoke up, his small eyes narrowed when he smiled, shaking his head at the usual Summer shenanigans he had grown accustomed too. I glanced back at my Mom who’s eyes were now glancing between both me and Charlie before widening and letting out a drawn-out breath.
“That makes much more sense now…” She mumbled more to herself, but her words had managed to reach my ears. What did she mean by that?
“Come in, come in. Take a seat, tell me Charlie how is the shop business going?” My father spoke up, he always went out of his way to make Charlie feel welcome in his home; everyone saw her as family. She had been around long enough to be considered as much now. Charlie smiled and made her way in, sitting down carefully on the couch before starting to discuss with my Dad about her family shop- a common conversation piece between the two. I listened, nodding my head every now and then to show I was listening. My coming out seemed to be gone with the wind now, but that didn’t make it any less real. I felt...Empowered, like now I could take on anything that came my way. Anything.
--
“You know, it went better than I expected.” Charlie spoke up to me. The two of us were now sitting on my double bed, she held one of my plush teddy bears in her arms, moving its legs now and then to make it seem more alive.
“You think?” I asked, leaning back against one of my pillows. “I thought it went pretty bad. I was struggling to find my words. I thought I was gonna freeze up.” I finished with a small laugh, my chocolate hues scanning her face for a reaction, a smile tugging on my red-painted lips when I heard a small laugh tumble from hers. She shook her head before her bright blue hues locked with mine.
“It was planned at least and made sense. When I came out to my parents I did it while watching the sex scene in Titanic. I just thought that might have been the best time. Needless to say, it wasn’t and I still feel secondhand embarrassment to this day when the movie comes on tv.”
I sat in pure silence, just trying to let what she had said sink in before I burst into fits of laughter- Charlie joining in not long after the bed vibrating from our glee.
“What?! Really?”
“Really!”
We laughed for a little while longer before both letting out a sigh, I looked toward her; the sunset rays were now catching the blonde of her curls, the blue of her eyes standing out against the orange glow that warmed her skin through the window. I frowned slightly; still thinking of what my mum said.
“And your Mom, did she ask about children?”
She shook her head, her smile now being replaced with a serious look. “No.” She finally spoke up. “But my Aunt told me it wasn’t natural...She still hasn’t come round to the house since.” She paused, a clear pained look flashed against her sharp features. “I try not to think about it, though. Even though it would be nice for everyone to understand...Having one person on your side is sometimes all you need.”
This time, I really listened to her words. Seeing the pain in her eyes while speaking about her Aunt caused that sinking feeling to return, followed by a flash of anger and then...Fear. I reached out and let my hand find hers, squeezing it to show my comfort.
“I guess that’s why we have each other, huh?” I spoke up, keeping my voice gentle now. I felt her hand now squeeze mine, not only to comfort me but also looking for some comfort herself.
“I guess so…” She replied, a small smile on her lips. The two of us fell silent again before she parted her lips.
“What are you going to do about school?” She finally asked. “Are you going to tell them?” I pursed my lips together, thinking for a few moments.
“I did already change my Facebook to say I'm interested in boys and girls, I’m pretty sure that posted an update status to my wall.” I shrugged slightly, I wasn’t too bothered about what people at school had to say. It didn’t have anything to do with them.
“No one checks Facebook anymore, Chen.”
“Shut up, yes they do!”
A small laugh escaped her lips again before looking up at the ceiling. “It’ll be okay, you’re not gonna be doing this alone. You have DJ, Lexi and well... Me .”
“I know, I’m not scared about school. I could care less about what they think.” I rolled my eyes, laughing slightly. “I know who I am, I don’t need them to tell me that.” I glanced toward Charlie who was looking at me now, almost surprised at my words, though she still had a smile on her lips.
Buzz...
Charlie and I both twisted our heads to look toward her phone vibrating on the bedside table. She shifted on the bed, stretching over me and grabbing at it, glancing at the screen.
“That’s Mom, she’s saying it’s almost time for dinner. I should go.” She explained, shifting off the bed and pulling up her jeans which had slipped from her waist to her hips. “I’ll see ya at school tomorrow, okay?”
“Alright, see ya,” I replied, a smile now tugging on the corner of my lips as I watched her turn on her converse and bounce out the door, almost walking into the door frame. I stayed looking at the now empty door frame for a little while longer, I already missed her short blonde locks, the curve of her curls contrasting well with the sharpness of her strong features and framing her oval face. I pouted slightly; it always felt slightly empty after she left. She always brought a bright vibe with her whenever she went that it always felt slightly melancholy after she had left. I grabbed at my phone from the bedside table; deciding to waste away the hours left in the day so I could be closer to seeing my friends again. I speed dialled one of the numbers in my phone, Desmond James- otherwise known as DJ. They were one of mine and Charlie’s closest friends. I wanted them to hear the news from me before it made its way around the school, they deserved that much. The phone only rang once before they picked up, eager as always.
“There you are!” They greeted me with their usual way, not a fan of just saying hello. I let a small laugh leave my lips, rolling onto my stomach and looking out the window.
“ Here I am. ” I repeated.
“Everything alright?” They asked, their deep voice having that signature nonchalant tone behind it.
“Yeah, everything is alright.” I started before pausing, I wasn’t nervous anymore. I knew what I wanted to say. I knew who I was.
“I have something I need to tell you.”