Looking over the edge of a massive drop, I see a swath of giant trees in the valley. The light blue sky dotted with puffy clouds, backdropped by the beginnings of the pinks and oranges of the afternoon. This is, clearly, unexpected. Because just a moment ago I was in my bathtub in my downtown studio apartment holding a bottle of red wine with three bottles of prescription sleeping pills mixed in.
At first I thought I must have downed the bottle and that this was some hallucination before my inevitable end. However, as I stand there admiring the colors of the shifting sky I realize that this may be something else. If I'm dead, why do my feet hurt?
Looking down at my feet, I see them covered by rough leather boots, crooked stitching indicating their low quality. My baggy pants look like some kind of linen, the same quality as the boots. My shirt was a similar material covered by a supple leather jacket of a much higher quality. My hands… Are my hands different? They're slimmer than they were, though more calloused and worn they are noticeably smaller.
Cocking my head at the difference, I find my hands feeling for other discrepancies. My shoulders are slimmer, my neck too. My hair, someone cut my hair? My hair which once reached my upper back is now even with my chin. I realize now as well that despite not wearing my glasses I'm having no trouble seeing. In fact my vision is sharper than it has ever been, I can clearly discern the leaves on every tree on the opposite side of the valley.
Running my hands through my hair they meet something soft on the top of my head. A hat? Taking hold of the things I feel a sudden jolt through my body as I find them to be completely attached and very sensitive.
“what the fuck?”
I whisper to myself as my situation begins to sink in.
“okay… Okay! Yeah, right right. Okay.” I mutter as I turn around, looking away from the precipice. I don't know what's happening But we're rolling with it. Couldn't be worse than my situation before right?” I tell myself as I start walking with no real direction in mind.
My thoughts catching up to my body I start looking around, trying to find some sense of direction, a destination to reach. I spy a shallow river calmly flowing parallel To the cliff face. A minute of walking and I reach the river, its bank and bed lined with smooth rocks in a way that makes it seem unnatural. kneeling and splashing my face with some of the cold water brings me back to reality.
looking down I see my reflection. An unfamiliar face looks back at me, with two long ears sticking out of the sides like those of a cow. two horns stick out atop my head. Similarly, my skin has the pattern of a Holstein, black splotches adorn my face and rolling up my sleeves I see that my arms share that pattern. My nose too resembles something more like a cows. At least I have hands and not hooves. Though looking more closely I realize that what I thought was black nail polish is actually their natural pigment.
“ok, this could be worse. I'm alive, I'm not in any immediate danger, I have water.”
Looking back at the flowing water, I realize why the bed seems fake. It is fake, the rocks are cemented together, this must be an aqueduct, that must mean that there's civilization nearby!
With a renewed sense of determination underlined by my desire for answers, I start walking along the flow of water. The aqueduct goes downhill slowly, eventually lifting off the ground. After probably an hour of walking through short brush and thick trees, I break through the treeline, the aqueduct now far over my head, supported by large arches. As I leave the woods, I enter a large field of young wheat, looking out I see a town, it's no bustling city but it's civilization.
Seeing a road a distance to my right that leads towards the village, I make my way over, not wanting to trample some poor villagers' crops. Coming closer to the road, I see a young woman pacing Back and forth, muttering to herself. She was even taller than me, though I don't know how tall I am now. Her head was topped with tall horns that stuck straight up and skin the color of cherries. A long tail with a heart shaped tip wrapped around her waist. Finally reaching her, planning to ask where I am, she looks up at me with surprise and I can see that she's been crying.
“Um. hey, could-” I start, before the girl runs at me, taking me into a hug and sobbing loudly.
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“Thal! Don't do that to me, I thought you died!” she yells. “I'm sorry for what I said, but that was too far! I've been looking for you for hours, where were you?!” she releases me, looking into my eyes, tears still flowing from hers.
“I’m really sorry, but.. I'm not sure who you are. Or where I am.” I say while trying to calm the girl down. She looks at me with confusion for a moment before speaking again.
“Wha- I… I said I'm sorry, please just come home. We can talk about it, just.. Just come home.” she pleads. Pulling me down the street by my hand, her tail wrapped around me.
Walking with the girl, I get a good look at the town. It's nothing modern, large stone foundations, rough hewn wood, plastered white walls, and clay tile roofs lining the streets. Many small storefronts, closing or closed as the last light of day gives way to more stars than I've ever seen in my life. she continues to pull me along until we reach a building just inside the town that appeares to be an apartment building, I want to try speaking up again but seeing her in the state she's in keeps me silent as she leads me up a flight of stairs, entering the first door into a small apartment not dissimilar to the one I've lived in the last couple years.
The Demon? Tiefling? Whatever she is, sits down at a small wooden table. I sit across from her, the rickety chair wobbling slightly under my weight. A handwritten letter lay on the table, smeared in places where it seems it had gotten wet.
Her face now dry, the girl brings her eyes to mine and speaks. “I'm sorry, thal. I didn't know that was how you felt. I just.. I shouldn't have said what I did. When I read your note I was so scared that I had lost you-” her eyes tear up again. “I'm so glad you didn't go through with it.”
“I’m so sorry.” I say, unsure of how else to respond. “But I’m not thal. My name is Lilly, and I don't know who you are.” I finish, apologetically.
She stares at me stunned. “Wait, you actually don't remember me?” she asks, standing up and leaning over me to inspect my face and head. “Did you hit your head? I don't see anything. Do you know what year it is?” she loudly asks, worry evident in her voice, before tapping my forehead and making a hand motion.
“Your status doesn't say anything about a concussion.”
“I didn't hit my head, and no I don't. I'm not the person you think I am, this isnt my body.” I try to explain
“Yes, I read the note, I know how you feel about your body, I didn't really mean it when I said you would always be a girl I just didn't understand.”
“Wha- no I mean I am literally a different person. I didn't write any letter, I just woke up on a cliff and wandered here.” I say.
“I don't understand, I just.” she sits back down, resting her head in her hands. “I'm so tired after running around looking for you. I'm sure you’re more stressed than I am. Maybe that's why you’re having trouble remembering you should go to bed, we can take you to a healer tomorrow if you still aren't feeling right, ok?” she almost pleads, stress and drowsiness clear on her face. It seems more that she's been running on adrenaline and now needs sleep more than I do.
I sighed. I was actually tired though clearly not as much as she. Maybe it will be easier for her to understand once she isn't freaking out so much. Though once she understands that I'm not her friend ‘Thal’ I'll probably have to calm her all over again.
“Ok, I think that might be a good idea. Uh, where do I sleep?” I ask.
“You- “ she sighs. ”Our cots are right here.” she says, making her way across the room to a pair of cots in the corner with a folding paper divider painted with intricate plant designs separating them from the rest of the apartment. She falls into one with a heavy sigh and after pulling her knees to her chest, her breathing slows. Falling asleep still fully clothed.
She really must have been tired to fall asleep so quickly after all of this. I look at the note on the table. She mentioned that ‘Thal’ left a note after they had some kind of fight, is this it? Picking it up I begin to read. The handwriting is neat and cursive but splotched with what I can only assume are teardrops.
‘I’m so sorry, Cin. I know you’re right, I'll always be a girl, I'll never be a real man and I can't live like that. This body isn't mine, and I don't think it ever will be. It's all wrong. Whenever I see my reflection I feel as though my very being is being torn apart. You've been the best friend I could ever hope for, but I just can't take this feeling anymore. We've been alone for so long, and I know I'll be leaving you on your own, I hope one day you can forgive me for that. Please dont look for me. I don't want you to see. Just forget about me, live your life, meet someone you can love, start a family like you always wanted. Do that for me. Please.
Wow. she- he was about to do the same thing I was, huh? And we were both trans. Wait. if he was transmasc, then. I freeze suddenly, no it couldn't be. Slowly, I bring a hand down, feeling for a difference that I never thought I could achieve. My heart skips a beat or three as I confirm my suspicions. I gave up on my life because of my dysphoria, I couldn't afford hormones, let alone any kind of surgeries. Does this mean I’m cis now? I must be, I guess. I always dreamed of this, well not exactly this but waking up as a cis girl. I never thought it could happen outside of my mind. Wait, is ‘Thal’ in my body, then? He must be having a similar experience to me. This is going to be a change to get used to, but I don't think either of us would be willing to switch back. Still I need to learn more if I'm going to be living here.
This is all a lot to take in. sitting down on the free cot next to ‘Cin’ I take a few long breaths. I really am tired. It must be pretty late, and I did walk for like an hour, maybe more? This body is about as in shape as my old one, which is to say not very, I lay down, not knowing what state of dress would be appropriate I opt to stay dressed.
Laying on my back I feel something pressed against my lower back, thinking I must be on top of something, I reach under myself to pull it out. Grabbing hold I feel a similar jolt to when I grabbed my ears. Sitting up, I twist my body to get a look and sure enough a short cow tail sticks through a slit in the back of my pants. Comparatively I'm not even surprised. Turning to lay on my side and getting comfortable wrapped in a less than supple thin blanket, my tiredness takes me.