I always wanted my last words and wish to be alike of my father’s: “If I die, I don’t want to drag anyone behind. So, please forget about me as I’ll be with the snow, pure and thoughtless, flying through time, forming and dissipating”. And this still holds up to date – I want to die as a no-one.
The second item on the list: Don’t drag anyone behind. For as long as I can remember, I was known to be insignificant. But the only reason I was a no-one was that I never thought life was worthy. To quote the man: “If I die, I die. But someday, someone would continue and complete it”. Unfortunately, I’ve just realized how important my life was. Now, the things that come to mind are the things I didn’t do because of my misconception of the value of my life. For instance, I didn’t confess my love for a certain someone; I haven’t gotten to fully express and expand my potential to the fullest and also other things that are on the “White list”.
Ever since I was in 9th grade, I had a feeling towards a girl in my class. As I was a year younger than my mates, I was somewhat ridiculed back in lower grades. Fortunately, I don’t remember any and all the bad things that happened to me. But I vividly remember the time I sat next to her for a few months - the only memory I hold so dear to my heart. As the first action I want to take in the year, I want to at least say that I loved her – that I loved Cassandra.
Living with a regret and dying without one is not one the same. As one will always kill someone and the other will only kill you. As for me, I don’t want to leave something hanging for so long. Since that man’s reign, technology advanced so far that the people, in even the slums, have life expectancy far beyond 100. As well as that, technology achieved harnessing 100% of the sun’s energy output.
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My reputation when I was in class was, to put it simply, absolute rubbish. I always restrained my mental illnesses everywhere except home. But sometimes, it spills out just a little and when it does, I become either a psychopath or a sociopath, depending on when and where it happened. As of when I’m at school, the psychopathy would come out. And as a result, I’ve gotten the nickname, “Angelic Devil” – the one contrasting between god’s creativity and the devil’s destructive genius.
A common practice between me, San and every other people that shares our culture is to bring booze whenever you want to talk truly. As the person is the most vulnerable when they are under the influence of alcohol, it has been perceived of being honest. Yet, as a curse or a blessing, I can’t get drunk as well as its hangovers. So, as I bring a bottle of whiskey to meet up with her, I’ve spent 3 days off of my year.
She comes at the rendezvous and we both drink and spill out some obscenities.
“Did you know I loved you, San?” I asked without a thought in mind.
She answers, “Yes – from the very beginning. You seemed to underestimate me, Li. I’ve always been then and there when you were all over the place. You and I are almost the same”
“To be truthful, I now have only a year to live. And as my days become numbered, I can’t just die with this in my chest. So, please understand, mate, I’ve loved you so much that I was scared to even talk to you. That’s how cowardly and stupid I’ve been. So, please, forget about me ever being with you and try to live your life as fully as possible”, I said, before turning my back one last time.