Yvette let out a soft yawn, stacks of books resting on the bed beside her. She’d been searching for what felt like hours, though she felt she hadn’t learned anything.
The only thing she had managed to find on Cragtooth Isle was that it was an island said to have been guarded by a great dragon turtle, filled with zmaj. Little more than a small footnote in her many books.
She pulled out another book and started flipping through it. Nearly all of the books she had brought with her were on magic. Unfortunately, turtle dragons weren’t used for many spells. There were so many easier and cheaper alternatives that only the most powerful or difficult spells required such components.
In all of her books there had only been a single spell that had required such a component and it had been a spell to turn a person, temporarily, INTO a dragon turtle. Just the idea of trying to turn into something so big and powerful made her pale and feel a little weak.
She felt like such an idiot. She’d spent so much time trying to translate the spell itself that she hadn’t spent nearly as much time trying to find the components. She’d believed once she got to the coast, somehow she’d find someone who could get her or even sell her the required components. She hugged her legs to her chest and rested her tired head on her knees.
She was such an idiot. Why had she ever believed any part of this would be easy? Why had she allowed herself to think if she could just get here, that the scale would fall into her lap? It was just like when she first left her tower. She’d believed everything would be different, that she would be allowed to dress and act as a girl, that people would accept and understand her.
Instead people called her boy, told her that she had a delusion. They ridiculed her, yelled at her. Told her she was wrong. Tried to forbid her from being herself. Why did she ever think any of this would be easy?
She reached down and pushed a hand against the book, flipping the pages again, but there was still nothing. She felt the tears form in her eyes.
Why was she so stupid? The only one hurting was her. The only one who any of this hurt was her. Maybe she was wrong. Maybe she was supposed to be a boy. Maybe if she just tried harder, if she just accepted that she was meant to be miserable, things would be better. It’d certainly be easier for her.
“Yvette?” Gervas asked. She whipped around and saw him standing in the doorway. She quickly looked away, focusing on the book in front of her. “Were you up all night trying to decipher that spell?” he asked gently, moving up behind her.
“What if I’m wrong?” she asked softly, the words bubbling out before she could stop herself.
“What?” he asked.
“Nothing, I’m sorry, I--”
“No, tell me,” he said softly.
She stared at the book for a long moment, searching for the words. Finally, she spoke. “What if I’m just supposed to be miserable?”
Gervas stared down at her. “I… I don’t think I understand. Why would anyone--”
“It’s all so hard,” Yvette whispered. “Every step of this. Every component. Getting the spell. Then what? Look at Ursula. No matter what I say, no matter what I do, do you think she’d ever see me as anything but a boy?”
“Yvette, Ursula isn’t a--”
“But that’s just it. Even if I succeed, even if… if by some miracle we do this. If by some miracle I manage to fix myself, what then?” she asked. “How many people are going to be like her? How many people are still going to hate me for this? How many people are going to… it’s not going to stop even then, is it? There are always going to be people who fight me over it. The Mage’s Association won’t ever forgive me after what I did. Especially if I succeed. My master will never forgive me for going against them like I did. My family… well, they’re them. For what?” she asked, feeling a tear start to fall. “Is this really going to make me happy? Is it really going to make things better? What if I’m just trading one misery for another?”
Gervas sighed and sat down behind her. Slowly, his hands reached out and rubbed her shoulders. She leaned into the touch, closing her eyes. “There will be people like that. Probably a lot of them.”
“Then why--”
“But there will also be people like me. Who look at you and see a young girl who’s just trying to be herself, even though it’s hard and dangerous. If the only way to stop this misery is for you to be a girl, then you have to become a girl. That’s all there is to it. That other misery, the misery that people create, that they want you to feel? The misery they cause because they focus on what they thought you were, not what you are? That is not your fault. That is their problem, not yours. There will be other people who accept you. Those are the ones who matter, who you should care about.”
Her cheeks flared. “Y-yes, I guess. But what about--”
“People like Vala.”
“You hated Vala.”
“Yes. But it’s like you said. She never called you a boy, did she?”
“No. She didn’t.”
“Once you’re fixed, less people will be able to tell. But there will be some people who will want to hurt or punish you for it. Some of those people are powerful.”
“So you think--”
“But they don’t matter. None of them.”
She stopped, turning to look at him. “What?”
“Anyone who can only be happy because they’re making someone else miserable doesn’t deserve anything from you, let alone your care. You don’t deserve to be miserable just because it makes other people unhappy when you’re happy. That’s their problem, not yours.”
“But what about my master? He trained me--”
“To be a wizard who helps people. And you do. Or did you not almost die on the way here, dealing with a pack of trolls?”
“That’s different. That--”
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“Is what a good mage does. Someone who tries to make the world a better place. That is something you can do. Something you try to do. If your master is more upset that you’re trying to be happy, than he is proud of you trying to do good in the world, he was a terrible master.”
Yvette flushed and leaned back into the hands, closing her eyes. “So you think it’s okay to not want to be miserable? Even if it means all of this?”
“A little selfishness does everyone good, especially if you’re not trying to hurt anyone.”
Yvette nodded, relaxing against him. He didn’t stop her, letting her lean back and rest her head on his chest. “I don’t want to hurt anyone. But what if I do? What if this keeps going and I do hurt someone? What if I hurt a lot of people?”
“Just try not to. But it’s your life, Yvette. If they can only be happy so long as you’re miserable, then they don’t need to be a part of it. Besides. You’re not trading one misery for another.”
Yvette nodded, giving a small smile. “You really are good at these talks, aren’t you? Do you give them often?”
“A few times. It’s like I told you before. ‘You can’t light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.’ No one has any right to tell you anything different.”
“They’ll hate me, though. Is that okay?”
“If they hate you for being you, then they never cared about you to begin with. If being a boy makes you miserable, then you have every right to be a girl, regardless of how it makes them feel.”
She nodded, giving a soft sigh. “Thank you.” For just this moment, at least, she felt once more at peace. “This is so much harder than I thought it would be.”
“Harder?”
“Yes. When I was training. I always told myself ‘when I finally go, I’ll be able to be Yvette all the time and everyone will see!’ But it’s not that easy, is it? I thought it would get easier the further I went. But it’s never going to get easy, is it? There’s no quick cure.”
He was silent for a few minutes before his hand reached up and gently brushed her hair. “It’s not, no. Things rarely are. You can tell yourself that everything will get easier, but that’s usually just a lie we make up to make ourselves feel better.”
“It’s easier when you’re here, though,” Yvette said before she could stop herself, a hint of red coming into her cheeks.
“Huh?”
“No matter what happens,” Yvette said, giving a soft yawn. “As long as I have you, I think I’ll be okay. As long as I have one person who can keep calling me Yvette. Who can call me a girl. I think… I think it’ll be worth it.”
“Yvette...” he whispered, gently stroking her hair back. “You really need to get some sleep.”
“I mean it, though,” she said gently, opening her eyes to look up at him. She felt the tears in her eyes, though she tried to blink them away. “I want to be a girl. I want so, so bad to be a girl. I’d give anything to be a girl. But I don’t want to lose everything for it. I want to have friends. I want to have a family. I want… I don’t want to be alone forever.”
Gervas gave a soft sigh, gently patting her cheek. “You’re not. We’re going to get you fixed, I promise. Then we’ll find somewhere you can be you without anyone trying to hurt you ever again. Even if we have to cross the world to do it.”
She chuckled. “You know, that’s not part of a guardian’s duties.”
“Keeping you safe is very much part of the contract. Now get some rest. I’ll be back later.”
“But--”
“Sleep. That’s an order. Do it, or I’ll take all of your books away,” he said firmly, before moving her to his side and getting to his feet. He picked up one of the small stacks of books. “Are these all the same book?”
Yvette rolled her eyes. “No. They’re all just beginner spell books. Transfiguration, primarily. You know how it is. Mage practices their craft for a while, have enough free time, want to spread all the knowledge they’ve gained. Master Betan wanted to make sure we all had a lot of different points to look at our magics from. For example, in transfiguration there are at least four different styles that--”
“Go to bed,” Gervas said, pulling her bag over and tossing the stack inside, before grabbing more of them and tossing them in as well. “You can look through your books later.”
“Be gentle with those! I--”
“We’re having more fighting practice once you wake up, too.”
“W-what? But I thought--”
“We’re going to be here for a while, so we have time. So training begins again.”
“But--”
“No buts. Sleep. Now. You look exhausted.” He crossed his arms and glared down at her. “Young girls need their rest.”
Yvette stared up at him, her own eyes narrowing into a glare. However, within a few moments being under his gaze, her own eyes lowered. It was so much harder to be defiant when she knew he was right, but it didn’t make her any less frustrated when he talked to her like this. “Fine.”
“Good,” he said before turning and walking out of the room, taking her bag with him.
Yvette sighed once the door closed. She lifted a hand over the lantern, the light snuffing itself out and enveloping her once again in darkness. She closed her eyes and laid back on the cot.
Her head felt clearer than it had before. She found her mind wandering back to the same subject, though.
Was it really okay for her to be happy? What if she was meant to be miserable? A small smile formed on her lips when she thought about him gently brushing his hands through her hair. She didn’t know why she had asked him, but his rejection of it, denial of her misery being required, only made her feel stronger.
When she was with him, everything did feel okay. So long as he still believed in her, she felt she could--
Her eyes widened with a newfound horror. She sat up quickly, her hand moving to her chest. Her heart was pounding. She then turned back towards the door, only a small, dim sliver of light seen from under it.
Did she have feelings for him? She shook her head rapidly, trying to shove those thoughts aside. There was absolutely no way she could be starting to fall in love with him. He was her guardian, her protector. Mages didn’t fall in love with their guardians.
Okay, they did all the time, but that was definitely something that was heavily frowned upon. Besides, there was no way he could ever love someone like her. He hated mages. Or at least didn’t trust them. He was protecting her, keeping her safe. Slowly, she lowered herself back to the bed.
She couldn’t be developing feelings for him, she told herself. It was only because he was helping her. He was the only one helping her, so of course she appreciated him for it. She didn’t have time to love anyone now, anyway. Even if she had, he was a very serious person. He’d been protecting mages for years. On top of that, he’d worked with plenty of mages in the past. Girls and boys. Ones who were different from her, who weren’t fallen. Ones who didn’t need magic to be themselves. If he was going to have feelings for a mage, it wouldn’t be her.
She didn’t have feelings for him.
And if she did, they weren’t that strong.
And if they were, it wasn’t important.
And if it was, she’d shove them aside and ignore them until they went away.
And if she couldn’t, then she’d lose him and lose the only person who seemed to truly try and see her as Yvette.
She gave a soft, pathetic whimper and pulled her blanket tight. She couldn’t develop feelings like that, not now. There was still so much for them to do, so much danger for them to face. She couldn’t let her own feelings get in the way of everything she had to do. Not now.
If they succeeded, if they managed to make her a real girl, maybe. Once it was all over and she had something she could offer him, aside from the hardships she knew they’d face, maybe it would be okay for her to have feelings for him. Once they didn’t have to fight anymore. She hoped.
She wished her heart would stop pounding so hard.