He sat on a steel chair in a sterile white room, waiting and confused. Last he remembered he was drinking a pint in a bar before he felt a terrible discomfort on his forehead and then he was here.
Was he at the hospital? He didn’t know and so he waited for someone to come in through one of the walls; because he saw no other way to get in or out the room, no windows or cracks that would hint at there being a door somewhere. Maybe they were thin or something of the like, maybe they were meant to be broken?
And to his question one of the walls shimmered and turned into liquid as a person walked in to see him holding the steel chair by the legs and about to swing it. The woman’s smile became forced as she watched him think if he should club her with it or not.
“Please put that down Mister Griffin,”
“Let’s start with you telling me where I am?”
“Dead,”
“E- Excuse me?”
Griffin’s grip slacked a bit and he stammered as the woman sighed and walked in front of him as the floor boiled and ballooned until a strange desk and chair appeared.
“You are very much dead Sir, a stray bullet impacted your forehead and ended you almost instantly. Lucky you,”
“What in hell do you mean? I was at a bar a second ago, I can’t be dead,”
“And now you are here, in my office, and wasting my time. Explain that to me, mister Griffin,”
“That’s what I want to know!”
He lifted the chair an inch and his heart began to drum in his chest, his throat became parched, and his legs slack.
“Before you keep threatening me with that, I wish to remind you the underworld grants its employees the privilege to strike one customer per day. Tell me Griffin, do you want me to check my privileges?”
Doing his best to speak he tried swallowing a couple of times but there was nothing but sand in his mouth. The woman sighed and handed him a glass of water, which he took.
“T- Thank you,”
She eyed him for a second before nodding to herself and materializing a clipboard on her side of the desk, jotting down notes while tapping one finger against it.
“Are you calm enough to discuss your future now?”
“I believe so… is it hell for me?”
She tried - oh she really did try - to refrain from rolling her eyes but failed and he saw her eyes going fully white before they were fixed on him once more.
“Everyone asks the same, Am I going to hell now? What did you do to deserve an eternity of suffering and imprisonment, what could you have done so wrong that beings that have seen it all couldn’t forgive?”
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She sighed and took a deep breath before continuing.
“Forgive me, it’s been a long week. I had to deal with the souls of two planes crashes and a train wreck one after the other and they exhaust me,”
“Must be hard on you if everyone reacted like I did, right? I am sorry for that too,”
“Don’t worry, yours was on the milder side of things actually. Anyways, I need to read you your crimes and rights so that you may be judged, ok?”
“Yes, please carry on,”
Opening a cabinet, she brought out a single, small page with his name on it. Griffin looked at it and waited for her to bring out a folder, or at the least another page and instead she simply closed the cabinet.
“That’s it? That’s really underwhelming,”
“Yes, most people never do much with their lives that may impact their karma. You for example, have negative karma for stealing soaps, towels, a cup from your office, and some pens. While your positive karma comes from helping disabled people cross the street, giving up your seat to some pregnant women, caring for your family, and helping the poor with food and blankets,”
She began to do some math on her clipboard as he thought of how little of his life was taken into account when being judged, it was true he was no Mother Therese but nevertheless there should have been something that stood out there.
“Well then Mister Griffin, congratulations you have come out with positive karma. Not enough for heaven or a try again but just enough to be put on our trial program,”
“Trial program? You have those in the underworld,”
“Oh, yes. We need to keep heaven and hell from overpopulating and so far it has worked,”
“The afterlife is awfully mundane,”
“Most things are disappointing after experiencing them, mister Griffin. Now, you will be granted another chance at life, in this new life you will be guided by us so that you may acquire good karma,”
“And if I fail them? Hell?”
Her eye twitched in annoyance at the question.
“Do you wish to go to hell? Because there is no coming back from there,”
“No, no, no. I will take the trial,”
“Good. Now, for your trial you will be granted a system that will help you in your development and will act as a platform for us to judge you. Is there anything you want me to add to my report that you believe will help you? Be realistic; even in the underworld everything has a price,”
“What is considered realistic here?”
“Don’t consider asking for the traits or your world’s superheroes, you couldn’t pay the price with ten lifetimes,”
“That tells me absolutely nothing,”
In a rare show of emotion, the woman smirked at him.
“This is part of your trial,”
“And what are they testing me for? Humility, intelligence, cunning?”
“If I knew that I would be a manager instead of working in customer service, sir. Now, your answer?”
He thought and thought about it and came with paltry changes, nothing that would see his soul split in half and devoured as the price.
“Can I ask for an added service to the system?”
“Of course, you can,”
Her smile wasn’t one that gave him much respite, but he carried on, it was worth a shot.
“I would like to ask for a shop tab, so that I may buy and sell things,”
“Very well then, anything else?”
Griffin looked a little embarrassed as he spoke.
“Can you make it so that I don’t faint or freeze when I see blood or a corpse?”
That made her laugh, made her throw her head back and belch out a sound so loud it was more a shout than anything else.
“Marvelous, excellent choice. You won’t believe the amount of people that think they can survive without any experience while they were alive, they just think everything will be alright with the system; it’s hilarious, really,”
“Thank you. I guess,”
“Well then, you will know the price once you get a new body,”
“You mean you aren’t going to tell me how much it will cost me?”
“Of course not, i am here just to take your requests and pass them on to the developers. They are the ones that figure it out,”
“Not even an estimate?”
“Not even that. Enjoy your new life Griffin, although that won’t be your name once you are on the other side,”
“What the.”