C***4 Wherefore art thou Pinocchio?

The common room of the Blue Button Inn contained only four square tables, each of which was crowded with residents of the Redwall tribe. A young girl draped in cheap cloth hustled out from the kitchen carrying a tray of icy wine too big for her skinny immature arms. A single two and a half tier ruby horn extruded from the centre of her forehead, matching the bright set of girlish freckles on her pale cheeks.

Shen Shudun unexpectedly wore a frilly white apron over the hardened leather armour of a warrior. He followed the lass out of the kitchen carrying a second tray, which bore plates of Wu Jia’s finely crafted delicacies. A loud thump could be heard with every second step he took, and those with a keen eye (or a pair of ears) quickly came to notice the boot tucked under his pant leg was not a boot at all, but a roughly hewn red clay brick!

The food and drink was quietly welcomed by a table of finely dressed patrons, who refused to stoop so low as to acknowledge their commoner servers. Shen Shudun and the little girl spent no time on unwanted niceties, and quickly disappeared back into the kitchen.

“Their noses could touch the sky,” teased Cai Min, revealing a toothy smile. “If it wasn’t for mother-in-law Wu, I bet none of those fat heads would ever come down to the third level.”

“Keep hold of your tongue, you little brat,” warned Shen Shudun, as he playfully dishevelled Cai Min’s auburn curls.

“Cai Min, since when did I become your mother-in-law?” Wu Jia was dressed in an outfit of white silk that she only wore when cooking, her azure hair neatly pinned back into a matronly braided bun.

“Big Sister Wu, word has already spread throughout the whole ziggurat. Grumpy hunter Shen Shudun offered up his own hairy leg as heavenly tribute so the Redwall tribe’s number one beauty Innkeeper could finally have the son she’s spent years pining after.”

“Eh, who calls me the hairy legged grumpy hunter!?” Both ladies ignored Shen Shudun’s feeble protest.

Wu Jia crossed her arms under her athletic chest, a cool twinge arcing on her lips. “And what proof do you have Cai Min? Rumours weigh as much as wind; those that spread them are nothing but hot air, and worse still are those drafty enough to believe them.”

“Err, you mean it’s just a rumour and I can’t make the Innkeeper my mother-in-law . . .” Cai Min was truly a personality as flightful as a bird, a trait often mistakenly reserved for the young. For although Cai Min had the body of a child, she had already lived the life of a grandmother with thirty-six grandchildren! And she was determined to repeat this venture in the Demonic Netherworld too.

“No need to make that face. Shen Ling is upstairs resting,” Wu Jia confirmed.

Cai Min immediately brightened. “But it’s nearly noon. I better go wake him up!” A beige blur disappeared out of the kitchen, launching itself up the steep narrow staircase, and bursting into the only room with a closed door.

Shen Ling woke, slightly raising her cheek from her pillow, by habit rolling onto her back and flapping her palm at an imaginary alarm clock. “Five more minutes.” Suddenly a great mass was upon her. Shen Ling’s eyes opened only to see a young girl with a tiny nose and a head of reddish brown curls mounted atop her like riding a horse.

Slap!

“What did you do that fo-” It HURTS!

Cai Min let out a passionate scream. “Oh Lingling, you perverted stallion! How could you be so aggressive. Don’t you know this is this young lady’s first time! Oh, you are so well proportioned, what a man!” Cai Min made certain to yell loud enough for the entire Inn to hear.

Shen Ling was utterly stupefied, but did what any sleeping bear would do and slapped her assailant right back across the face.

It was Cai Min’s turn to be aghast. “You hit me.”

“You hit me!” Shen Ling retorted.

“But I’m a girl,” Cai Min protested, touching her fingers to the red mark on her cheek.

“Well I’m a gir-”

“Shen Ling!” Wu Jia interrupted, her white leather boots aglow with blue water qi. “As a man, you shouldn’t hit ladies . . . or Cai Min.”

As a man?!

“Hey! What is that supposed to mean Big Sister Wu?” Cai Min was flustered, but pretended to be caught in a scandalous scenario, covering her already covered beige dress with Shen Ling’s blankets.

“Ladies who work at an Inn don’t make scenes in front of the guests. Now get off of Ling’er. He has work to do with his father in the kitchen.”

“Dishes. But what about my sweet chastity?!” Wu Jia rousted Cai Min and shuffled her out the door. “Oh my little Lingling, she can’t keep us apart.” The door abruptly closed on Cai Min’s fortunately short nose. “Wait it’s my job to help stumpy with the dishes.”

“Not today, go home Cai Min.” Wu Jia let out an exasperated sigh, leaning back against the door.

“Waa!” came a muffled cry.

If this was how Shen Ling was going to wake up every morning then she thought she might actually learn to miss her alarm clock. Still half asleep, Shen Ling listened patiently to a lecturing Wu Jia explain to her why she was going to have to pretend to be a boy. When the harangue finally ended, Shen Ling didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Obviously, as a modern woman, Shen Ling didn’t want to be married off to a complete stranger, or to be used as a political pawn against her new found family. After only one night, her life had become a cruel joke.

In her first childhood, dressing like a boy was simply the easier path for an orphan like Shen Ling. Now, the heaven’s were condemning her to travel the same road a second time. Except in this life, it wasn’t simply a matter of convenience. This barbarous ancient world still treated women like stable animals. Or at least they planned to treat Shen Ling like one. How could she possibly allow herself to be so helplessly bullied, when she’d already promised herself that she would change?

If you come across this story on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.

A short time later, Shen Ling tugged on the bottom of her pant leg as she walked down the stairs into the inn’s common room. As it turned out, no matter how much she fiddled, the right pant leg of her new outfit was clearly shorter than the left. Feeling a tingling on the top of her head, Shen Ling raised her eyes from the floor only to see a room full of bearded men in bright colourful robes staring back at her.

The strange standoff lasted more than a minute before a familiar grumpy voice broke up the mutual entrancement. “Shen Ling, don’t bother our esteemed guests. Come over, come over. Humble apologies, Innkeeper Wu is nearly ready with your orders.”

The very first time Shen Ling entered Wu Jia’s tiny kitchen, the only thing that came to mind was, amazing. Since her arrival at Redwall Village, all Shen Ling had seen was red clay construction, red clay walls, red clay floors, even red clay toilets. The Blue Button Inn’s kitchen was a dramatic mismatched shift from the surrounding ancient and crude to modern and glorious with not a speck of red. It was neat and organized, reminding Shen Ling of the factory where she used to work. The kitchen tools, while simple, gleamed of quality and meticulous care. Upon ocean blue tile walls were countless herbs, like a hanging garden growing from the banks of a river. The ceiling was open to the sky but for a few panes of emerald glass, while the floors were cast with moist river rock.

The true gem of the kitchen was Wu Jia herself in the pure white silk gown of a shrine maiden. She moved through the small space like a funambulist, streaming her arms through the air, her hands glazed in blue qi, slicing indescribable meats and coaxing herbs from the walls like brushing calligraphy upon an enormous canvas.

Shen Ling widened her eyes in awe at Shen Shudun, who only pressed his finger to his lips signaling to watch quietly. Before long the pair each had a rope of spittle hanging from the side of their mouths, which would occasionally slurp up incredible aromas, exacerbating the hunger in their growling stomachs.

Two plates of thinly sliced meat emerged on a bed of foreign vegetation, glistening sublime au jus. “You two, what’s wrong with you? You’re getting my floor wet.”

“Tough words from a lady who wears water on her shoes,” Shen Shudun carefully whispered into Shen Ling’s ear.

Gong! Sneak attack!

A metal pot flew off the shelf behind Shen Shudun and bonked him on the head, before carefully replacing itself. “You’re mother is very beautiful when she’s angry,” he whispered, desperate to dig himself out of the dog house. Who would have known that his heavenly tigress had such superb ears?

The truth was Wu Jia hadn’t heard a single word, but knew her husband well enough to know that whatever he said it was deserving of a beating.

Wu Jia’s kitchen was not your run of the mill food factory. In fact, every pot, pan and tool were actually low-spring ranked magic treasures. Although a single low-spring ranked magic treasure wasn’t considered a majestic item, even in Redwall Village, it still had a high value to a regular person. Yet somehow, this petite kitchen in this tiny third level Blue Button Inn was filled with them. Clearly this was abnormal.

“I better deliver the goods,” said Shudun, making a hasty escape from the tiger’s den after whisking three cloth bags off a table.

The strange thing was that the two trays of succulent meat hadn’t been taken. It was hard for Shen Ling to take her eyes off them.

“Don’t just look, eat.” Wu Jia locked both the doors leading into the kitchen, pulling out a pair of short stools from under a counter.

“One of these is for me?” Shen Ling asked, simply in awe of the food.

“Both of them, Ling’er. You must eat everything on each of these plates.” Wu Jia made this privilege sound like an order. Either way, Shen Ling was more than happy to comply.

Lifting the first piece of heaven with her chopsticks, Shen Ling gently lay the tender richness against her tongue, and was immediately overwhelmed by a completely new flavour that tasted like a perfect mixture of spicy garlic and plum. After devouring the first piece, Shen Ling was reaching for the second when she was hit by a wave of internal energy.

+10 EXP

Huh, what?

“Mother, what’s going on?”

“Ling’er, I explained this to you last night. Unlike the lesser worlds and lower realms, it’s impossible to cultivate the energies of heaven and earth in the Demonic Netherworld. Instead, we must consume the sin energy of beasts in order to cultivate elemental qi and gain strength.”

Shen Ling vaguely remembered some of the extremely long outlandish conversation of the previous evening, but it was an entirely different prospect when faced with it in reality.

“Keep eating, before it gets cold.”

+10 EXP, +10 EXP, +10 EXP  . . .

Subsequently, an entire plate of meat disappeared, and Shen Ling showed no symptoms of overindulgence. It appeared that no matter how much of this sin beast meat she ate, she would never get full. Before Shen Ling had finished the last few pieces of the second plate, it happened. A tingling sensation spread across her skin as the building tide of energy finally ebbed like a tidal wave.

Ding!

It was like a bell had rung inside her skull.

“Mother, I think . . . I think I gained a level.”

Although a cold block of ice on the outside, Wu Jia’s flabbergasted self couldn’t help but blurt out, “only one?”