The ringing is somehow both deafening and painfully hushed. Shirley couldn’t be sure if the sound was in her head or all around her. The chiming, the bells, the digital tunes in this ceaseless resounding clamour. Begging to be put to rest.

“Are those…?” Shirley trails off.

Yu smiles, hand clasping the doorknob, “The conference is nearly concluded. Come now, we don’t want to keep them waiting.”

Yu holds the door open for her, and Shirley cautiously steps inside. A white room with a ceiling low enough that the top of Shirley’s head could almost scrape against its black tiles. The room sort of reminds her of a cluttered back alley museum. You know the sort, the sort of place with animal skeletons and haunted dolls tall cabinets of jars with tiny heads, brains, and severed penises rumoured to belong to famous serial killers and ancient queens. This room is littered with phones. Shirley stumbles over the big, boxy art deco rotary phones sat gathering dust on the floor. Candlestick phones, from pencil shaft to potbelly, are stacked on tiny round tables. Kellog and Stromberg Carlson’s phones are mounted like deer heads up the walls. Gigantic Monarch drop switchboards stand in rows like an army of soldiers. Sky-high cabinets of mobile phones. Walkie-talkies, flip phones, Nokia, and smartphones. All of them ringing and dinging incessantly like a swarm of angry hornets.

Yu steps in after her and shuts the door. It shouts over the noise, “If you’d give me a moment…”

Yu prances around the room, answering each phone it passes. It leaves the phone open as she passes and Shirley can sort of hear the muffled voices on the other end. The ringing makes it difficult for her to make out the words.

Shirley yells, “Would you like some help!?”

Yu pauses, then turns to Shirley with a bright smile, “Only in you’d like to.” When Shirley nods, Yu smiles wider, “Pick up the phones that are ringing and leave them open. You can let the ones with cords dangle. Thank you, Shirley darling!”

“Happy to help!”

Shirley looks down. Like a chessboard, phones cover the floorboards in a diagonal sequence. Some are ringing while others remain silent. She takes three hop-steps forward and one to the side and answers a plastic Trimline phone hanging on the wall. Should she say anything? Shirley watches as Yu picks up each phone one by one, not stopping to say so much as a ‘hello’. Still, Shirley’s a curious person, to a fault most would say, so she presses the receiver to her ear. Despite just answering, the person on the other end is talking in the middle of a sentence. Shirley can’t even get a word in.

“--At age twelve, Shirley May Villeneuve confessed to her social worker than she accidentally made a dent in his car, despite the fact that Mr. Mathews would have had no reason to suspect her of doing such a thing. In her twenty-eight years, she has demonstrated unwavering integrity in the pursuit of the truth even in the face of--”

Shirley jerks away. Like Yu, the person on the other end has her voice although they speak in a much gruffer, raspy accent than Shirley does. She gently lets the phone go, allowing it to dangle side to side, the person with her raspy voice a muffled chatter. It is only then that Shirley sees the little white plaque with black writing underneath the base.

Chensuko

Judge of Honesty, Integrity, and Trustworthiness

Interesting. Her curiosity insatiable, Shirley moves on to another phone. An oak two-box with a metal watchcase receiver. It is her voice yet again, but high and a little whiny.

“--She spent eight hours waiting to donate blood after the Sydney church shooting on her only day off that week. A month later, while out grocery shopping--”

Shirley lets the receiver dangle. Frankly, she doesn’t want to think about all those hours waiting in line at the hospital. All those people in line panicking and gossiping, barely enough room to breathe in the tightly packed hallway. Shirley finds the name plaque overtop the twin bells.

Nydidi

Judge of Patience and Discipline

Moving on, a fat walkie-talkie that she needs two hands to hold up. She presses down the answer button. This voice is congested and sounds like Shirley did whenever she was coming down with a cold.

“--Villeneuve brought muffins in for her coworkers on the occasion but notice that she always snagged the best muffin for herself. Although she let her coworkers pick first sometimes, she kept the best muffin in the back of the box where it’s most awkward to reach--”

Oh, that’s a little embarrassing, being called out like that. Certainly not a kind as the other voices had been. Shirley snorts, amused. She reads the plaque. Unlike the other two, this plaque is black with white writing.

Pyamos

Judge of Greed, Gluttony, and Self-regard

Interesting. Shirley answers a few more phones in quick succession, catching a few straw words but not actively trying to listen in. Did the color of the plaques indicate what kind of ‘judge’ the voice on the other end was? She studies the other phones and sees an equal amount of black with white as there are white with black. Then, at the back of the room, Shirley sees four smartphones on a display cabinet. Yu is answering the flip phones beside the smartphones, which have plaques in black with white. The plaques under the smartphones are neither black with white nor white with black. They are a rainbow of colours, each letter a different pigment. The plaques themselves are a psychedelic tie-dye.

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Curiously, Shirley rushes over to get a better look. It seems Yu has already answered these four phones, although Shirley can barely hear their voices. She squints, trying to make out the letters in the mess of saturation.

Ami

Judge of Hope

Liko

Judge of Logic

Moa

Judge of Pain

Ikal

Judge of Passion

“I wonder what they might have to say about me.” Shirley wonders. Her hand hovers over the four phones. Hope, Logic, Pain, or Passion?

“Hope?” She scoffs in that humorous self-deprecating way, “If only…. Logic? Seems boring. Pain? I’m just going to ignore that. Passion? Hmm…”

Her hand hovers over Ikal’s smartphones. Her fingers wrap around the case.

“All done!” Yu cheers. Shirley jumps, yanking her hand back to her chest.

She stammers, “O-oh, okay--”

Yu claps its hands like a royal summoning their servants. All at once the voices go silent.

“Judges,” Yu addresses the phones with a confident bellow, “Meet Shirley May Villeneuve!”

“Hello, Shirley May Villeneuve.” The phones echo their greeting like former alcoholics at an AA meeting. The walls and floor shiver under the vibration of the voices.

“H-hello! Thank you for having me.”

Yu takes Shirley’s hands and rubs her knuckles comfortingly. It smiles, “It is time to welcome Shirley into her afterlife. Are we all in agreement? Judges of morality?”

All the phones with white plaques and black writing answer in a unified “Yes.”

“Judges of Immorality?”

Another “Yes.” this time from the black with white phones.

“And the Judges of Neutrality?”

There’s a pause.

Yu frowns, “Judges of Neutrality?”

The four smartphones with the rainbow plaques answer in unison. Not a confident ‘yes’ but a hesitant question.

“Are you confident in this judgement, Yu?”

Yu releases Shirley’s hands. It crosses its arms, its frown becoming irritable.

“I am. Are you not?”

“We hesitate.”

“Clearly. Why?”

“The wants of mortals are miscellaneous. This one in particular….”

“Yes?”

“Shirley May Villeneuve may be better suited somewhere else. Perhaps--”

“No!” Yu shrieks, stomping her foot like a petulant child. Shirley jumps back, startled by this uncharacteristic outburst. The four smartphones also go silent.

“Yu?” Shirley raises an eyebrow, “Is there something you’re not telling me?”

Yu straightens, face pinched with what Shirley thinks is shame.

“I’m sorry Shirley,” It takes her by the hands again, although Shirley is far less receptive, “That was rude of me.”

Shirley frowns. She pulls away from Yu and calls out to the four smartphones, “What aren’t you telling me?”

The phones are silent. Yu opens its mouth, “Shirley--” but Shirley cuts it off.

“I’d like an answer please.”

Only one phone responds. Ikal, whose voice is soft but firm, “Close your eyes and imagine a perfect life. Where would you be if you were truly happy?”

Shirley narrows her eyes, “That’s not an answer. Is this a trick?”

Ikal repeats, “Close your eyes and imagine a perfect life. Where would you be if you were truly happy?”

Frustrated, Shirley snatches her hands from Yu’s grip. “That’s not an answer!”

“Close your eyes and imagine a perfect life. Where would you be if you were truly happy?” This time, the three other judges of neutrality also speak. The same two sentences. They say it twice in a row, “Close your eyes and imagine a perfect life. Where would you be if you were truly happy?”

“What are you hiding from me?” Shirley turns on Yu, “Yu, what’s going on?”

Yu opens its mouth, “Close your eyes and imagine a perfect life. Where would you be if you were truly happy?”

“Oh, for god’s sake…” She scoffs. Although she’s mostly just deeply annoyed, Shirley also finds herself shaking. She wraps her arms around her middle and frantically scans the room. Where’s the door? It was over there last she checked, beside the rotary phones. Where has it gone?

The other phones join in. All these stolen voices chanting, “Close your eyes and imagine a perfect life. Where would you be if you were truly happy? Close your eyes and imagine a perfect life. Where would you be if you were truly happy? Close your eyes and imagine a perfect life. Where would you be if you were truly happy?”

She’s blinking in rapid succession, afraid that if her eyes drift closed for too long, something will happen. But what? What will happen to her if she does as they say? What do they want with her? What’s their game?

“Close your eyes and imagine a perfect life. Where would you be if you were truly happy?”

“Okay! Fine, I’ll do it!” Shirley snaps, “Just be quiet!”

The voices grow quieter. One last time, they say, “Close your eyes…” And they go silent. Yu watches her with this big bright smile, as if it’s won something wonderful. Shirley matches that look with a glare. Phones have no eyes, but she’s certain that they’re watching her too. From where, she can only wonder.

Heart drumming in her throat, Shirley swallows. This is a bad idea. This is such a bad idea. But she said she’d do it. Unfortunately, Shirley’s a woman of her word.

She scrunches her eyes, holding them shut so tightly that her eyeballs hurt.

“Where would I be if I were truly happy?”

Shirley opens her eyes. She takes in her surroundings and she gasps.

It’s perfect.