Scourge Sixty-Five - No

My cheeks are fire as I laugh. It sounds a bit high-pitched to me, and I can’t meet Esme’s eyes as I giggle. “Yeah, how wild is that,” I say.

Then Felix grabs me by the shoulder and half turns me. She doesn’t look happy. Her eyes are determined and her lips are pursed. “No,” she says.

“No?” I repeat.

She shakes her head, then points to Esme. “No.”

“No what?” Esme asks.

Felix gets up, then takes a deep breath. “Lily, Bianca, can you finish that idiot off and make sure we’re not overwhelmed by zombies or anything?” she asked. “Valeria and Esme and me need to have a talk.”

“Yeah, I’m not getting involved in whatever weirdness you three have going on,” Lily says.

Bianca just nods and discreetly walks over to a struggling zombie and blasts some fire into its face with a dismissive flick of her wrist.

“Um, what are we talking about?” I ask. I really hope it’s not about what I said to Esme.

“It’s about what you just said to Esme,” Felix says.

Shoot.

“V-Valeria must have slipped, and, uh, our lips touched,” Esme says. “Yes, that’s perfectly plausible.”

“No,” Felix says. She sounds like someone telling a dog off for sticking their nose in the toilet. “None of that. That was a kiss. A proper K-I-S-S kiss. On the lips. Right after Valeria confessed. Don’t even try to weasel out of it.”

“I, well, you know,” I start. I don’t know what I’m starting because I don’t know where I’m going.

Felix glares at me, puts her hands on her hips in a rather Esme-like gesture, and leans forwards until her face is very close to mine. “Do you have any idea how long I’ve been waiting for you to confess?”

“You what?” I squeak.

“Well, either you or Esme. Come on! You’re like, perfect! Both of you. And I don’t just mean for each other. Esme brings the book smarts to your leadership smarts, and you have the motivation that Esme lacks to get things that aren’t reading done.”

Esme and I glance at each other, then break eye contact so fast it might never have happened at all.

“Obviously, you love her, she’s like, one of your best, best friends,” Felix goes on, and I just kind of shrink in on myself. Maybe I can manufacture a spell to have the floor swallow me. “And she obviously loves you right back.”

My heart does this weird thing where it flops around wildly for a moment and I hear myself gasp in time with Esme.

“Don’t pretend otherwise, Esme,” Felix says. “I can see around corners, you know.”

“W-w-what does that mean?” Esme stutters.

“You’ve literally smelled Valeria’s pillow before.” My head is spinning, and Felix just keeps going. “Whenever Valeria does something extra Valeria-like, you sigh and go ‘oh, Valeria.’ You have a diary.”

“You read my diary?!” Esme squeaks. I think she might work with me on my floor-swallowing spell idea.

“No,” Felix says as she recoils a bit. “I’d never do that to you, that’s your private thing. But I can hear you muttering while you write, you know?” Felix chuckles. “But don’t worry, Valeria has done much worse.”

I’m dead. I’m so dead. Dead and gone. Not even Mom can bring me back from this. There’s no point. Life is a terrible burden and I don’t want it anymore.

I cover my face with both hands and hope that my friends won’t cry too much at my funeral.

“Anyway,” Felix says. She crosses her arms. “Secret’s out. No more hiding it. You can’t put this back, because I swear on every god I’ve met, if you try to shove this secret back I will rip it out and wave it around until you have no choice but to deal with it.”

Esme is making a high-pitched keening noise.

Through the heavy bass-thump of my heart, I hear a distant thought. Yes, I might, maybe, really love Esme. She’s great. But... well. I start to chew on my lip and focus on the floor. That’s one big secret out, but there’s another, bigger, worse one that makes everything so much more complicated.

Felix sighs, and I glance up to see her smiling ruefully. She’s looking between me and Esme. “Okay, wow, you’re both the same kind of dumb sometimes because you’re having the same dumb thoughts at the same time. It’s like... like the bits of your brains that handle romance were both too small and broken, so you’re sharing the same one between the two of you.”

Felix looks right at Esme, reaches over to her, and pulls my best friend close. And then their lips touch. There’s a smooch sound, Esme’s keening switches pitch a few times and her hair poofs out with an electric sizzle.

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“Esme,” Felix says. “I love you.”

Oh. Felix loves Esme too.

That’s nice.

I hope they invite me to their wedding.

My heart stops beating. Life sucks. It’s awful. Birth was a curse.

Then, while Esme’s still processing that, Felix scooches over to me and... wait, when did we all end up kneeling on the floor? Felix is suddenly really close. Her eyes are sparkling with joy, and not just the magic. I catch her scent in the air. Campfires and a million spices and just... Felix.

Then her eyes close and her lips touch mine.

I am confused.

Good confused.

Very nice confused. Very warm-in-my-tummy and please-don’t-stop confused.

Felix pulls back and I just stare. I’m putting one and one together in my head and hitting three. “Valeria,” she says. “I love you too. Also, I forgive you for taking Esme’s first kiss, but I’ll be wanting some other firsts for myself, alright?”

“Huh?” I say intelligently.

Maybe life’s not so bad.

Esme raises a hand, like a student in class. “Question,” she says.

“Yes?” Felix asks.

“What?”

Felix nods. It’s a perfectly reasonable question to ask, I think we all agree. “It’s simple. You love Valeria, and you probably... I hope, also love me. Right? Val’s pillows aren’t the only ones you were smelling.”

Esme makes a strange choking noise. “But girls can’t love more than one girl!” she says.

“Says who?” Felix asks.

“Uh,” Esme says.

“I asked Semper for permission to date you, she said it was okay,” Felix says.

Esme is on her feet. I don’t actually see her standing, she just goes from being on the ground, legs bunched under her, to standing. “You did what?”

“She’s the closest thing to a parent you have, and I wanted to do things right,” Felix says. “I asked Luciana about dating Valeria too.”

Mom knows?

“When?!” Esme asks.

Felix pauses and glances up and to the side, as if looking through her own memories. “Uh... that was when Semper first showed up at the castle. You remember, when you met her and fainted?”

I don’t recall Esme having such good lungs, but the volume she screams at is proof of that. “That was two years ago!”

“I know!” Felix says right back. “Do you have any idea how long I’ve been waiting?” She makes a vague gesture that means a lot and nothing at the same time. Mostly I translate it to a heap of frustration and impatience and maybe a desire to hug someone. “You’re both so... dense!”

I don’t actually want to know when she asked mom.

“So,” I interject. “Um. What now?”

Felix grins. “Don’t worry, I’ve had years to prepare for this. I didn’t expect to do it while surrounded by undead who want to eat us, but I was also totally prepared to have this discussion while the three of us were dying of old age, so this is actually pretty great.”

“I’m listening,” Esme says.

“First... we do nothing for like, a few hours,” Felix says.

“Why?” I ask.

Felix nods, as if she’s expecting the question. “Because you, Valeria, need to pretend that this didn’t happen while secretly stewing on it for the next bit, and you do that best while distracted. And you, Esme, need some time to think of every possible reason this is a good or bad thing and maybe you’ll want to look at some references or something. Oh!” Felix reaches into a pocket and pulls out a small tin case. She pops it open, revealing a page that’s all folded up. “Here.”

“What’s this?” Esme says as she takes it.

“A list of books about romance, relationships, dealing with polycules, uh, and stuff like that.”

Esme blinks a few times, works her mouth open and close, then locks eyes with Felix. “And you have this inside a tin case?”

“In case it gets wet.”

“That’s... really sweet.”

Felix grins. “Yeah, just you wait. I’ve got so many ideas and plans and it’s gonna be great. But I think we can take it slow at first. Or... well, we don’t have a choice. I need to get the two of you used to kissing before we get anywhere.”

I can suddenly recall the sensation of soft lips on mine and my thumping heart starts beating hard again. Maybe that wouldn’t be too bad.

You know what, I’ve decided that life’s pretty great after all.

***