I lay there in my camouflage watching goblins congregate around the hole I had blown in the floor, It was honestly very entertaining.

The first goblin to discover the disturbance was slightly taller then average, with bigger ears and slightly smaller tusks. He was just unique enough to slightly stand out from the crowd, he was also very stupid.

Bob-I named the goblin-was the centre of this gathering with all the goblins arriving asking him what had happened. Judging by their facial expressions, they were not getting satisfactory answers. Eventually, the sea of grey faces reached a swelling point and the individual questions of the goblins were no longer distinguible. My understanding of the goblin language ceased to progress as I listened to the awful cacophony of sound.

However, there was one pocket of goblins that didn’t seem to be making noise at all. It stared above me with one goblin asking a question and the another answering. Eventually I heard enough repetitions to figure out the goblins being asked the questions were saying ‘don’t know’. Which helped me figure out that the deeper voiced goblin was probably asking ‘why pit’. There was also the occasional fearful pause from above before a goblin would squeak out ‘naaak’, which I took to mean as sorry. I was actually quite proud when I received a notification awarding my efforts.

Language learnt:

Goblinoid(cave) I

+1 int

Not all languages are created equal, this one is trash

Eventually the commanding goblin speaking down to its fellows came into view. He would ask his question to the goblin he picked out from the crowd, then if he did not receive a satisfactory answer, he would stretch out his arm above the offending goblin and bonk them on the head. I had to admire his leadership strategy.

Bonk continued to travel throughout the crowd, his fist dealing out swift justice as he went. He bonked those who spoke over him and those who disappointed him in a long line towards the source of this groups information, Bob. Behind him he left subdued chattering and one unconscious goblin.

Nerdy-the goblin layed out on the ground-had been a very vocal interrupter of bonk’s interview process. He chattered on and on seemingly unaware of the danger he was placing himself in, even going as far as to continue talking despite Bonk stopping suddenly. It was only as Bonk’s arm slowly extended towards Nerdy’s skull that his confident chattering trailed off into a nervous gulp. Bonk paused there with his arm held above Nerdy’s noggin with hatred ablaze in his eyes. He stared down at Nerdy with killing intent clearly displayed for the better half of a minute before withdrawing his arm and turning to confront the next possibly knowledgeable goblin. He posed his eloquent question to this latest goblin calmly his rough callused voice translated to a crude ‘why hole?’ in my mind, it appeared the language skill let you hear the chosen language in your own dialect for easier communication. However, as soon as the sweating goblin began to answer, Bonks arm whipped out and slammed down onto the heavily breathing head of Nerdy. Nerdy’s head shot down on his neck retreating all the way down to in his own body. I watched as Nerdy’s face disappeared down into his body like a turtle, leaving only the tops of his black eyes visible. Then as fast as Nerdy’s head had been compressed into its body it shot back up to its normal place like a spring. His eyes followed this trajectory causing them to roll back into his skull and his body to collapse backwards. A cheer went up as Nerdy fell to the ground unconscious and many surrounded goblins broke into laughter. Bonk moved on smiling, pleased with the work he was doing.

Eventually, the inevitable happened and Bob and Bonk met. At first Bob’s answer was a pretty simple ‘don’t know’, but as Bonk glared at Bob angrily that quickly changed. Bob launched into a massively detailed answer filled with expressive hand gestures and excessive jumping to try and explain how this hole has magically appeared in the floor. It got to the point where Bob was making it seem as if he was somehow responsible for the situation. At the end of his expansive and probably logically improbable speech he ended with a nervous smile on his face and his hands outstretched in a pose dangerously close to jazz hands-although the slight shaking could of just been fear.

For a moment Bonk stood there In shock. He turned to one of the goblins slowly edging away from Bob and asked them a different question. They answered shrugging to a disbelieving Bonk and he was once again seemed displeased by the answer. Finally he seemed to reach a boiling point. He grabbed Bob by the shoulders and positioned him on the lip of the problem, standing by his side to aggressively point towards the dark I was hidden in. Although the firelight from there touches didn’t reach down here it made sense for a cave dwelling species to be able to see in the dark at least a little. It was for this reason I’d been still for so long down in the dirt and I was honestly surprised I hadn’t got a skill for staying undetected for so long.

After a while of angry shouting and pointing Bonk looked at Bob scathingly seeing him as the source of all problems, it didn’t help that Bob didn’t have any defence for himself except for an attempted innocent smile. Bonk sighed to himself and shook his head looking once more down into the pit. Without looking or giving Bob any warning he smacked the back of Bob’s head with force sufficient enough to send him flying down into the dark with me. Not panicking I stayed still where I was, confident Bobs stupidity would hold and I’d stay undetected.

Bob of course survived, too resistant to die to anything but his own brain. He got up and wondered around slowly. When he found the first dead millipede he started to chitter excitedly and when he found the next he started speaking even faster. This cycle continued with Bob running around the room getting more and more hysterical with each body he found. It got to the point where his screams could surely be heard from above and just as it appeared he couldn’t get any louder, he found the corpse of the queen. He took a deep breath before releasing a literal ear piercing shriek. I clapped my hands over my ears instantly, causing my camouflage to shift as I tried to block out the noise. Bonk reacted almost as fast as I did, leaning over the gap and screaming right back at Bob to shut him up. A very loud conversations ensued in which Bob related what he had seen to Bonk up above. The crowd above stared to mutter as Bobs report spread before Bonk shushed them. I saw him turn and survey the unseen masses above before he began ordering the horde around and instructing them what to do.

I heard the crowd erupt into a bustle of activity. Ropes were thrown down into the pit and goblins slid down the ropes like commandoes-well around 80 percent of them did. A loud crack was heard behind me and I had to strongly resist the urge to turn around. I started slowly digging a hole in front of me to slide into placing the excess dirt on my back. It was clear the goblins knew about the millipede colony they had been living over leading me to question why it was they hadn’t dealt with it yet. As I tried my best to dig myself a quiet tomb I realised I was probably going to get caught by the sweeping tide of grey simpletons. Thankfully all was not lost.

Stolen novel; please report.

Rare skill gained:

(replaces stealth)

Camouflage

Camouflage is 10% more effective

Stealth skills are 20% more effective and level 5% faster

I didn’t think this boost was enough to stay hidden as I could see goblins ahead of me kicking millipede corpses as they explored. Choosing to risk it for the biscuit (the very thought of eating a biscuit causing me to salivate) I started levelling out my hole with much greater speed. If any goblin were to actually look in my direction they would surely see me, but as they were mostly staying stationary and picking their small noses I was able to complete my work quite quickly. I had been able to carve out a shallow impression just deep enough to fully hide my body when laid in. I covered my body with the nearby dirt I had used moving a millipede corpse over the lower half of my body to add to the disguise- the disguise being the floor.

I left my arms stretched out like a sand spider and waited. As camouflage went, it was pretty terrible. If I was in the army I was confident I would receive much verbal abuse for my work. Lying in wait, I closed my eyes and listened to the language of the little devils I had encountered.

It was a boring couple of minutes sat motionless in my hole in the floor. Not much happened for a while leaving me face down in the earth for no good reason, but eventually they started moving. I heard the crackle of torches as the goblins behind me quickly got close to my position. I realised they must of been waiting for them to see, making their night vision much worse than I previously guessed. The inklings of a plan had begun to form in my mind.

The goblins called out to one another as they went. I could tell by the inflections in their voices which was the question and which was the answer. I guessed that the most common answer given must of been ‘dead’ but there was too many variations on what the question could be for me to make a solid assumption.

Eventually, the moment came where the goblin kicked the millipede I had used for extra cover and stared down into the place that I was buried. Thankfully, the moment quickly passed as the goblin was pretty far away from the nearest crackling torch and wasn’t looking at anything but the dead bug. Staying quiet I heard and felt the goblin move away as I grinned into the dirt in silent victory. My luck had held.

The goblins continued checking the corpses. After a while I grew bored of listening to the goblins move further and further away from me and must of fallen asleep waiting for them to leave. I awoke to a pressure on my back fading in and out of prominence. There was a snort above me before the poking increased. I was being poked I realised, just indirectly. I tried to process what that meant as the gears in my just awakened brain turned slowly. Finally my brain put two and two together. Panicking I exploded up out my hiding place.

Pushing myself upwards and spinning with all the force I could muster I came face to face with the threat. Clearly, I had been snoring in my sleep, the fact that I wasn’t dead meant I hadn’t done it when they where all down in the throne room with me. It made sense however that they would be guards or at least some sort of goblin presence in the room they found the slaughtered remnants of the hives strongest defenders, in fact they were probably forces of goblins out right now exploring the rest of the tunnels. If fort carapace was still standing in all its majestic glory I might of even been tempted to see if I could trail one which group, just to hear or see their reaction to such art. Alas, that wasn’t the case

The goblin that had been poking the millipede over my legs had a surprised expression etched into his face so strong I could appreciate it despite being a completely different species. He pulled up his spear frantically in an effort to place a metal point between him and the bloody, filth soaked human that had popped out at him. Unfortunately for him, his moment of surprise had lasted long enough for me to sweep his spear aside and grab his shoulders, my strength strong enough to easily move aside his somewhat puny arms. By now I think we all know what came next, a vicious headbutt was delivered to goblin guards skull. Goblin guard however, did not explode. His head shot down into his body like a turtle and after retreating down into his chest an impressive distance sprung back up just as quickly, hitting me square in my dumb hovering face.

The goblin stumbled backward stunned as I looked up at the ceiling. I remembered when Nerdy’s head had done this exact same thing and sighed sadly in disappointment. I really sucked at this adventure thing. Shaking my head a little I walked toward the still stumbling goblin and pushed him over. I dropped to my knees beside his head and grabbed his neck. As I did so another goblin Leaning against the wall began shouting and running towards me. Quickly deciding to deal with the other guard later I snapped my head down into the first goblins skull just as he came to. His eyes widened in surprise as his mind fog cleared in time to see another headbutt coming in hot towards him. It was too late for him to react as my head smushed his face into paste starting with the nose. His head once again tried to rush down into his torso despite the fact that the momentum of the blow should of flattened him into a gross new carpet. It was clearly some sort of skill or racial ability and I barley stopped it from taking affect with the hand I had holding its throat. Not having the time to process the fact I had just murdered a thinking being I jumped up to meet the guard close to me.

I hooked my right foot under the first guard goblin I had killed and waited for his friend to close the small distance between us. He led with a fast lunge towards my midsection holding the spear one handed to easier gain speed. I kicked the corpse up into the spears path causing it to be pierced through completely. I danced around the spear as it dropped to the ground with its added burden. The goblin was quick to release the dead weight and jump back to put distance between us. This was not good for me. Up until this point I had been facing unintelligent enemies or ones caught by surprise- even the queen fight hadn’t been to hard as I had got to her before the new guards could reach me. In a fair fight with something that was thinking like me? I wasn’t confident I could win. So I went with the simple solution, I cheated.

I took a step forward and shifted my leg as if to kick causing the goblin to take another step back and keep its hands readied by its side. I thought of the pain I would feel if the goblins spear had instead punctured me and visualised the pain the millipedes had caused me and how this goblin wanted to do the same. As I didn’t really see the goblins as a detestable evil, it was kind of hard to do. It still worked out for me though as my upgraded skill caused the mana to travel much faster and fizzle into the guards face. I ran towards the goblin and tripped him over my leg onto the ground. I then repeated the same feat from before and executed him in one of the strangest curb stomps know to man.

After the second guard was left in a mess in front of me I fell onto my back and vomited. Not much came out and I rolled away from the small pool dry heaving. It took a couple of minutes for me to rationalise my own actions and stop wiping my head and face thoroughly. It was at times like these that I really hated this class- it was hard to not think of the consequences of your own actions when they were splattered on your face. I slowly came to terms with the fact that I needed to do these things to survive, and that I had done just the same to the millipedes who were also out to kill me. This was the way this world worked, and I had no choice but to go along with it. Once more wiping the tears, vomit and insides from my face I stood up and began to commence the next phase of my plan.