Standing atop a boulder overlooking a courtyard full of people, a man vigorously stroked his long, girthy, and erect… beard.
Now you may be wondering how his beard could possibly be “erect”, however, for an elder of the legendary Huxu Sect, doing such a thing was trivial. As a Grandmaster level cultivator, he had access to some of the sect's best techniques, including one that let him harden his beard using his battle aura while still allowing it to maintain its flexibility.
Said technique also had the side-effect of making the beard glisten in the sunlight and make the owner of the beard seem a dozen times wiser, hence why it was a favorite among the Elders of the sect.
As he stroked his magnificent beard, the Elder looked over the crowd of potential Sect members. The courtyard was full of men, their builds, ages and appearance differing from one and other greatly. That being said, three faces, in particular, stood out among them, causing the Elder to sigh and shake his head in pity upon seeing their faces.
Deciding to get on with it before he got too distracted, the Elder raised his hands to get the crowd's attention.
“Attention! Attention~ Yes yes, quiet down now. Very good. Now, the selections have been made, and I’m happy to say that all of you have been accepted as outer disciples!” There was a cheer from the crowd as quite a few were actually crying from sheer happiness.
They probably wouldn’t be all that happy if they knew the real reason they were accepted, the Elder thought. See, due to a recent competition amongst the disciples—you know, the usual one where the outer disciples fight to advance to inner disciple—quite a few of the disciples were left… unavailable.
Permanently unavailable.
The advancement tournament happened every ten years or so, so the sect had to take in a larger number of new disciples the year after it happened every time. It’s not too much of a hassle, but it does always end up needing a sect elder to be involved, due to the increased amount of people.
Even though most of the men here were only of the novice or apprentice level, with the amount in attendance they may be able to defeat even a Maestro-level cultivator if they worked together properly. Hence why he was in attendance, even though such a job was usually beneath him.
Some other inner court elders suggested that they make the tournament less lethal, so increasing the recruit amount each year wasn’t necessary…
But eh, his beard is only six inches long, what does he know?
Once the crowd quieted down a bit, the Elder addressed them again. “Now, if you’ll please make your way to my left, you’ll find the outer sect quarters and the Elders in charge of them: they will provide you with your outer disciple robes, schedule, and chores.”
The crowd began to excitedly make their way out of the courtyard when the Elder hurriedly raised his hand once more. “A moment, please… All of you were accepted…”
He found the faces in the crowd he had noticed earlier and pointed at each one of them. “Except you, you, and you. I’m afraid you don’t have what it takes to join our ranks, so I’m going to have to ask you to leave. The rest of you, be on your way.”
The crowd parted around the three—who were coincidentally already pushed together into a group due to their differences from the rest of the crowd—and stared at them for a moment. The three stared back, incredulous and confused, before the crowd apparently decided they didn’t care and turned to walk off again, leaving the three alone in the courtyard with the Elder, who was himself turning to leave.
Before he could though, the minds of the three seemed to finish rebooting and they immediately started protesting.
“Oi! What the hell do you mean except us? You let all those assholes pass but not me?! I could beat every one of them with my eyes closed!” The youngest of them demanded with a foul mouth.
The boy couldn’t have been more than 15 years of age, based off of his youthful face and short stature. He was skinny and had very little muscle on his bones, but an expert could tell by his posture that he had at least a little combat experience. The bow slung around his shoulder spoke of where he got that experience from, but also of how little experience he had fighting other cultivators.
The most peculiar thing about the boy though—what caused him to stand out, in fact—was that he had orange skin, like a peach or the inside of a mango.
“Maybe you could, however, that is not the criteria you were judged upon, child. I’d suggest you watch your tone, or I won’t forgive you for speaking out of turn a second time!” The Elder said, not liking the slap to his “face” he had just received from a child daring to protest his word. It was only child though, so the Elder could overlook it, just this once.
“I’ll watch my tongue when you give me a proper answer asshole! I spent way too much time training to get into this place for you to just turn me away just cuz’ you felt like it!” The kid snapped back.
The Elder took a breath. It’s fine, he was just a child, obviously, he wouldn’t learn from his mistake after only making it once. The Elder decided he would overlook it again, just this once.
“Do you know who I am?” The second of the trio spoke up, walking forward with a haughty stance. “I am the Young Master of the Guan family. My family could have you and your entire family line wiped off the face of this realm for such arrogance! I can overlook this presumptuousness though, so long as you allow me into your inner court. I’m not unreasonable after all, I know someone of your… status wouldn’t always be able to recognize greatness when it’s in front of you.”
This one was also young but seemed to be in his late teens instead, maybe 17 or so? He had a much more muscular build than the other one, with tan skin and feminine facial features. He likely would have attracted many a woman had he just one missing feature. The Elder's eyes drifted to the boy's chin, and he sighed again. Alas, the heavens did not see it fit.
“Unfortunately I cannot do that, you also do not meet the requirements to join our sect. It is sad, indeed, but maybe your family can fulfill the requirements next time.” The Elder said dismissively.
He would have told the kid off for his disrespect, but he was of a prominent family, so he would overlook it, just this once.
This seemed to tick the boy off, as shown by the bright-red, half-meter-thick battle aura that manifested around him. “How dare you! I give you an opportunity to endear yourself to me, and this is how you respond? Courting death!”
The Elder shook his head as he casually dodged the attack sent at him. Really, it was impressive that someone so young had reached the Maestro level, and he would have been an asset to the Sect had he been qualified to join. But…
His eyes once again fell to the boy's chin, and the Elder sighed before vanishing on the spot and reappearing on the other side of the courtyard. He was about to speak again, when he suddenly had to move his head out of the way of an arrow.
He looked over to the youngest one again, who had somehow kept his eyes trained on the Elder's form, even after he had used the legendary ‘Fu Manchu vanishing strand’ movement technique!
He could tell by the boy's fighting style that he couldn’t have been Maestro level, let alone above it, so how did he track his movements? Maybe the glowing green eyes had something to do with it?
Eh, probably not.
Then he noticed the third member of the trio had been the first to find him after he vanished (aside from the boy, of course, who somehow never lost him, to begin with). She had a more common pale-skin color but unfortunately was covered in blemishes across her nose. Freckles, he was pretty sure they were called.
She also had an unfortunately muscular body. Very unladylike, in the Elder's opinion.
“Answer my question asshole!” The kid said as he notched another arrow.
“You! How dare you run away you coward! Face your death like a man!” The Young Master of the Guan family yelled as soon as he found him.
What violent young children…
“I am not allowed to reveal the requirements for getting in, lest you spread them and overflow our recruitment year with unworthys who believe themselves to have more potential than they do!” He would have reprimanded them for daring to attack him, however since they are understandably upset over their lack of attractive features and meaning in their life, he would overlook it…
…Just this once.
“How would spreading the requirements to enter the sect make more people believe they were worthy?” The woman asked in a weirdly loud voice that did not match her body language or tone.
“For that matter,” She continued, “What could these requirements be that we don’t fulfill them, even though we’re all obviously more skilled than the rest of the people who were here a moment ago, but others would think that they… do…”
She trailed off and her eyes widened in disbelief as she noticed the Elder staring at her while stroking his beard, pity in his gaze.
It seemed the other two picked up on this as well, and quickly figured out what was going on.
“You’ve got to be kidding me…” The youngest said with a mixture of disbelief and rage.
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“Y-y-you! You dare!” The Young Master said with just normal rage. He somehow didn’t seem surprised, just pissed off.
The Elder smiled a little in sadness. Such promising young disciples, able to figure out the requirements with just a few clues. Truly, it was a pity that they couldn’t join them; they would have brought so much to the table.
And for their amazing display of intelligence, the Elder decided that he would ignore all of their transgressions and disrespect,
Just this onc-
“You won’t let us in over some dumb-ass fucking facial hair!” The kid screamed in rage after he finally accepted that he wasn’t being pranked.
*BOOM*
“YOU WILL NOT SPEAK ILL OF THE BEARD!” The Elder screamed after backhanding the little shit into a nearby wall, his beard hovering around him like a menacing octopus.
Both the other rejects eyes widened at the speed.
“The Beard is one with us! The Beard is an extension of ourselves, yet its own majesty by itself! The Beard guides us! Gives us wisdom! Protects us! That is the creed of the Huxu sect, and you will not insult it in my presence!” The Elder continued in a rage.
The two others backed away a bit upon seeing the white, 300-meter-thick battle aura that surrounded the Elder as he spoke, encompassing the entire courtyard.
“You think your lack of facial hair isn’t a burden? Isn’t a big deal? I lost my wife over it! I was beaten, tortured, and humiliated over my lack of a beard! But not after I found the teachings of the Huxu sect! I grew this beard over the course of 90 years, cultivating it more than even myself! And look at me now!” He dramatically spread his arms wide.
“Peasant, I don’t care about your-” The Young Master started, but was cut off.
“You think the sect master became what he was today by shaving?! NO! He grew his beard every day for three thousand years, allowing him to become the Sky Prince of Beauty that he now is! Do you believe that it’s a coincidence that all of the immortals here and our sects Sky Prince have beards?”
The kid—who had managed to pull himself out of the rubble—decided to respond. “Well… Yeah, this sounds like a case of correlation vs causa-”
“Well, it’s not!” The Elder interrupted again as he preached. “My wife left me because she’s a whore for beards! That son of a bitch Shu managed to woo her with his seven-inch-long beard. But look at me now! FOUR-FEET MOTHERFUCKERS!”
“Er, sir, we don’t need to kno-” The bespectacled woman tried to interrupt.
“I spent my life growing this beard, forging it, cultivating it, loving it! And yet you dare speak ill of it in front of me!” The Elder screamed nearly incoherently.
“It sounds like you’ve got some other problems going on… aside from the beard thing.” The kid said cautiously.
“Yeah, sir… Maybe you should seek thera- Uh, I mean, counseling… Yeah, you know, like, talk to a friend about your love life since you still seem to be a little… affected by it.” The woman said with a loud voice and a cheery smile before her eyebrows scrunched up and she added, “Er, preferably a friend with a license in psychology.”
“You dare suggest that I have something wrong with my head? The beard protects all! Including my mind! Are you suggesting that it isn’t strong enough?” The Elder asked with incredulity.
“Of course not pease-Er, esteemed Elder!” The Young Master said, apparently even he knew not to antagonize crazy.
“Oh? Then what could you have possibly meant?” The Elder asked with a raised eyebrow, crazed intent towards violence still flashing in his eyes.
“Uh, well… That’s a great question… That I’m sure the imp here will be able to explain marvelously” The Young Master said while gesturing to the orange-skinned midget next to him.
“What!” Said imp exclaimed, caught off guard. Then his eyes narrowed dangerously at the Young Master as the Elder's attention turned toward him.
“Is that so? Well, I’m waiting then. Explain! Before I strangle you all for insulting the Beard Dao.” The Elder said with an edge in his voice.
The boy turned his gaze back to the Elder and grit his teeth. “Well, the answer to that explanation… can be provided by the girl here. Obviously, as the eldest in attendance aside from yourself, she will be able to explain with utmost clarity.” He further deflected, sounding far more formal than he did earlier.
The Elder turned his gaze to the freckled girl.
She just smiled, and with the same cheer in her voice and volume from before, explained. “Of course we meant it wasn’t strong enough! Obviously, a beard can’t protect your mind, that would be silly.”
A beat passed where everyone just stared at the girl. Then it passed, and as one, both the boy and the Young Master took off in a sprint toward the sects gate, the girl staying behind without a shred of regret in her smile.
*BOOM*
“aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-”
They didn’t make it far though, before they saw the girl go flying past them, propelled by the full force of the Elder's anger-enhanced battle aura.
They had just enough time to glance at each other, panic in their eyes, before they too were hit with a force capable of sending a rock into space at escape velocity.
“You little shits are lucky I can’t leave the sect today, or I’d have your heads hung on my wall!” The Elder shouted in anger, but none of them heard. They were already too far away.
-o0o-
“Oi! You arrogant asshole! Why the hell did you pass that question off to me? If you had just answered it yourself, this wouldn’t have happened!” The boy shouted in outrage as he managed to pull himself out of the splintered remains of a tree… or four.
Actually, looking at the trail of destruction behind them… it was probably a little more than four.
“Me? You did the same thing! … And I only passed it off to you because it would be beneath me to address my lessers in such a way.” The Young Master said, adding the last part after a moment of thought.
“What, and you think it isn’t beneath me too you arrogant prick! What makes you think you had that right? I could kick your ass before you even knew what hit you!” The kid yelled back, bringing his bow out to prove his point.
“Of course I have the right, you’re a peasant! You’re a mere frog trying to compare yourself to a swan!” The Young Master said with a dramatic flourish of his bright-yellow robes.
The boy blinked. “Wait, isn’t that metaphor 'a frog trying to eat swan meat’? And isn’t it referring to romantic interest in someone above your status?”
The Young Master blushed and raged, “Of course it doesn’t! You’re just misremembering it like the moron you are!”
“No, he’s right, that is what the metaphor is referring to.” The woman said with her usual loud, cheery voice as she appeared from behind another destroyed tree while fixing her glasses.
“Thank you…” The kid said absentmindedly as he looked at the Young Master with a smug expression.
A moment later his smug expression turned to rage once more, as did the Young Masters.
“”YOU!“” The two of them said as they turned on their heel and stared daggers at the woman.
“ME!” She screamed back with a smile and a thumbs-up, obviously not knowing what they were yelling about.
“Do you know what you’ve done? I can’t afford to be an enemy of that sect, and now I am because of you!” The Young Master yelled, his arrogance gone for the moment.
“Yeah, what the fuck! Did you really think that he wouldn’t kick us out for that? Or try to kill us even? The dude was obviously insane, now we’re all fucked!” The kid added, internally trying to ignore that he had to agree with the arrogant asshole next to him.
“Well of course I knew he would get mad, that’s why I did it!” The woman said, the cheer in her voice still somehow persisting, “The guy obviously wasn’t gonna let us in because we don’t have beards, and he was going to continue preaching over it until our ears bled. Best get it over with quickly, you know? Rip the band-aid off.”
This just made the two angrier.
“I’d prefer he just talked our ear off! Now I have to leave the realm because we made enemies with Shazi’s biggest sect!” The Young Master shouted, his face red with anger.
“Hey! It’s not my fault your preferences are weird!” She shot back with a straight face.
“Mine are weird? You! Aah!” He seemed ready to punch her in the face, but was held back only by sheer willpower… Also, the swords on her back were a little intimidating.
“You know, I have a name, you could try using it!” She said, her cheer leaving her for the briefest of moments as it was replaced by mild annoyance. “It’s Jeong Hou! But you two can call me Jeong since you’re my friends now!”
“Friends? No we’re not!” The kid shouted, looking deeply offended by the very idea.
“Well of course we are! We all just got punched through a forest together! If that doesn’t make people friends then I don’t what would.” She said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
“Many, Many other things!” The kid yelled, barely containing his growing anger and irritation.
The Young Master wasn’t as fortunate though, as his anger finally bubbled to the surface. Literally.
“Urgh!”
*Splat*
Through sheer anger alone, the Young Master spat blood, throwing up a good two liters or so of blood before he finally stopped.
“Oh, oh shit dude, are you alright?” The kid asked, slightly concerned for the other boy's health.
“Of course he is! This is standard for cultivators. See Klahan, this is exactly why I tell you not to cultivate like that! You may have control over your emotions so you don’t spew blood at the drop of a dime, but it doesn’t set a good example for these newbies!” Said a voice from behind the trio.
A grunt from another voice was all that responded.
The three hurriedly turned, all ready for battle in an instant. The boy had his bow out with an arrow already notched, the Young Master's battle aura manifested and he entered a fighting stance, and the girl drew the two French Bayonets off her back.
Behind them, now stood two figures.
One was a relatively tall man with a very defined, muscular build. He had round, blue eyes, like someone from Dampf, a realm entirely separate from Shazi. His hair was a strange, light yellow-gold color, and stood up on his head like he had taken an explosion to the face… then got struck by lightning. He wore glasses—much like Jeong’s—and clothing that seemed straight out of a peasant village.
The other one though was a giant in comparison. He had muscles the size of the average person's head and stood at a height that made even the man next to him seem small. He had tanned skin like the Young Masters, but his was covered in scars. He had purple eyes with long, curly, black hair that reached his mid-back, and a beard to match. All of this was on clear display too, due to his choice in wearing only the lower half of a cultivator's robes, and leaving the upper half bare.
“Look at all that Klahan!” The shorter of the two said, gesturing to the small pool of blood on the ground, “That has to be at least a couple liters of blood! And it’s not even the most I’ve seen! And yet you still want to cultivate with Qi… I’ll never understand you.”
The larger man just huffed and looked away, nobody noticed the look of worry in the giant's eye as he looked at the Young Master.
“Who are you two? And how did you find us?” Said Young Master asked, his battle aura shining slightly more as he condensed it into a smaller space.
“I wouldn't do that if I were you, might end up destroying your clothes if you condense your Qi too much.” The shorter one said with a wave, “Besides, it wouldn’t help anyway. You’re not gonna be able to beat Klahan here, no matter how dense you make your Qi. He’s a Doyen-level cultivator.”
As if to prove his point, the giant, Klahan, pointed upward, which was promptly followed by a tree nearby being surrounded with a green glow and ripped out of the ground, before being launched into the sky at such a speed that it seemed to vanish.
“And to answer your question, I am August Heisenberg, and this here is my bodyguard and partner Klahan Jin. We couldn’t help but notice the uh… trail you left, on your way out of the sect. I’ve got to say, that’s the first time I’ve seen someone leave the sect in such a creative way. Props to you. Though, I don’t come by here too often, so maybe it’s not as rare as it seems.” ‘August’ said with a smile that seemed just slightly mocking.
The three of them looked embarrassed. Well… two of them did, Jeong just beamed at him as she put away her swords so she could give him a thumbs-up.
“And why, exactly, did you two fucks decide to follow us then? Are you with the sect? Here to end us for our transgressions against the ‘great beard Dao’?” The kid asked with sarcasm think in his tone.
“Hey dumbass! Why would you say that? What if he didn’t know about what happened and was just curious? Now he does because of your loose lips!” The Young Master said as he punched the younger boy.
Well, he tried to, but he missed as the boy dodged ever-so-slightly backward, causing the Young Master to hit a tree instead. The boy snickered slightly upon seeing the Young Master's face.
August chuckled upon seeing their antics. “Well, luckily for the three of you, I am not with sect. I only followed you because I have a proposition for you three.”
That caught their attention, as they refocused on him, curiosity and suspicion clear in their expressions.
August smiled, “How would you like to be my labra- uh, I mean disciples? How would you like to be my disciples?”
Safe to say, even Jeong was slightly put off by that poorly-covered slip-up.