I shit my pants that day. Recollecting what had happened when I was still young and dumb accepting that good for nothing duel. I didn't think he'd go through with it. The duel, I mean. I know everything's legal in Jersey. He had a lot of honor. His pops had a lot of honor too. Compared to them, I was a stain on the earth that couldn't quite be washed out. I just had to run my mouth. Talking about things I didn't really understand... Damn! What was I thinking! Scratch that! I wasn't thinking. Maybe that was the problem. If I could change one thing in the past, I would have stopped myself fro accepting that duel.

The day he challenged me to a duel I was at a theater watching a play. I did that a lot when I was younger. It was after I had spit on his father's name. At the time I was using him as a topic (when I couldn't think about anything else to talk about) to talk about, thinking back on it. Of course, he couldn't let that go and challenged me. I accepted. I didn't know too much about duals. I was too hot-headed to think too. When they were counting down... I couldn't control myself. I was scared. I had my whole life ahead of me. I couldn't die there! I pulled the trigger before they finished counting. Apparently, his father taught him to shot towards the sky. You really can't wash a kill off your conscience. My first thought though, was: Why do a duel if you're just gonna shoot towards the sky when the time comes? I didn't understand what that meant.

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When I heard the father died in a duel in the same spot, I cried. I bawled my eyes out. I'm such a coward! I always knew that deep down, but when I heard he threw away his shot as well, I just lost it. What the heck is wrong with that family!? 

A few years passed after the incident and I was still broken. I made a new friend though. Real straight forward and honest. This one. She didn't like to pull back punches but knew when it was inappropriate to speak. I wish I had been that way when I was younger. Now, I'm just a worthless adult making not too many contributions to society. People see the 'me' today and be like, "he's spineless" or "the heck happened to him?" behind my back. They don't know I can hear them. Maybe they do; maybe they are doing it on purpose. Maybe I deserve this. Maybe I should end this.