Sirius Black was not as she had remembered. Where the young Sirius stood strong and sturdy the new one slumped, his face gaunt and cheeks hollow. His hair fell over his shoulders in an unkempt mass, having gone for far too long without cutting. His clothes seemed like they had not been changed for a month, and were stained with wine. Sirius’ bed was as red as the shirt he slept in, and if Lily did not know better she may have suspected a murder and screamed.

But it was his eyes that pained her the most. Where the old Sirius had eyes bright with life and mischief the new one had ones that seemed dead. There were shadows beneath them, the sign of too many sleepless nights. They seemed cloudy and lost, almost like a dog tossed onto the street. He stank too, Lily could not tell when the room was last cleaned, it was probably too long ago for time to make any difference.

Old clothes yet to be washed, somehow dirtier than the one Sirius wore laid strewn across the floor, which was littered with the scraps of everything from chocolate frogs to muggle spices. The stench was overwhelming, reeking with rot that would have made a mouse turn tail. “Lily?” Sirius asked, near falling off his bed. The hands that were reaching for a bottle of wine froze in the middle of the air, and he scrambled for a clean cloth, but found none.

Lily forgot about the bruise that was appearing on her eyes. “Sirius? I came with Harry, I wanted to introduce him to you.” Her eyes scanned the room. “Are you, okay?” She bit her lip as she said it, of course he wasn’t.

His eyes lit up for a moment. “Harry? I-” They dimmed. His face twisted into one of rage. “Get out! Get out! Go away, come back some time later.” He roared, throwing another bottle. This one crashed into her hip before shattering on the floor, and Lily flinched as it struck. It may have caused another bruise.

“Sirius, please, tell me. What is happening? You’re a mess, Sirius! What would James say?” She asked.

“James.” Sirius said, and his strength faded all at once. He fell onto his bed, his muscles no longer working. He opened his mouth to speak, but could only groan. Lily rushed forward to take a seat beside him. “James would say I deserved it, and be right. I killed him, I almost killed all of you. I left young Harry without his father, I murdered him! Me, his own godfather! I… I was a fool.” He snarled like an animal.

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“Sirius.” Lily consoled, putting her arm on his shoulder. “It was Peter who killed him, not you. I never suspected him, none of us did. We could not have known. It was a good tactic, a reasonable risk.”

“But it failed.” Sirius whispered, not meeting her eyes. “And it got him killed.”

Lily sat silent, staring at him. Sirius was the image of a broken man, so filthy a beggar would be ashamed. His cheeks were red, and the broken bottles were enough indication that he was drinking. “You miss him too, don’t you? Here, let’s toast to his memory. It’s good, I promise, you won’t even remember that he-” Lily slapped it from his hand.

“Is this what you have become, Sirius? An old drunk? Do you think you can help this way, make him proud?” Lily demanded. She could see his face beneath her, wet with tears. They were her own, she realized.

“He’s dead, Sirius, nothing can change that. One bottle or one million, he will not come back.” Lily said, jerking the bottle out of reach as Sirius groped for it, not raising his head. “You dishonor his memory, don’t you see? He died so that we could live. So that Harry could live!” She forced herself to lower her voice. “Would you avoid him forever? Hide from his face?”

“I, I, I…” His voice trailed off.

“Go, talk to Harry, teach him. Show him how to protect himself. Be that father that James can no longer be. He’s the last memory I have of James, that we have of James.” Lily said, her quiet voice filled stronger than steel could ever be.

Sirius looked up at her and laughed. It was a mocking, piercing laugh that grated on her ears, but in it she thought she could hear a bit of hope. A tiny drop in what used to be a river, but it was beautiful nonetheless. For a moment she was afraid the young man that she remembered was gone. His head dropped, and Lily bit her lip.

Then he raised his head, and some of that old mischief returned. “Curse you Lily, you were always too good at this. I don’t know what we would have done without you.”

Lily let out a breath she just realized she had been holding. “Never get out of trouble, if my memories are reliable. Now get dressed, we can’t have Harry getting a bad first impression.”

“You’re not wrong.” He said, grabbing his wand with a smile.