Ren sighed as he stared into the sky above. The stars were different here, they were a scattering of shimmering lights that broke the heavens, yet their pattern was unfamiliar. The air was fresher here, the scent of wildflowers and trees in bloom calmed his very soul, yet nothing could ease his memory. In his mind he saw it, the thing beyond, the one who hurt his mind to remember. The one who dwelled within the nothingness. Did you bring me here?

The last memories of his old life began fading from his eyes as he turned to look at the world around him. At his feet lay scattered bodies, small albino creatures with bloody red eyes and great fangs. Bodies like that of great deformed rabbits, they had thrown themselves at him, tore his flesh, and slammed into him. He had broken them in turn.

“Sir. What is it that is distracting you?” The voice came from the tiny form of an odd being, something that resembled a cat. Tiny white paws like that of a butler’s gloves touched the earth beneath him. Its body stripped and orange reminded him of something he couldn’t remember.

“It’s everything. It’s you, the sky, the air here. It’s what I don’t remember and it’s most of all, the thing I can remember…”

--

I was the one at fault. That was the simple fact.

Keeping my eyes anywhere but looking towards her. For the moment, I’d been preferring the wall. It was the same thing as usual. She kept going on and on about learning to forgive, learning to let go, and all the exact lines out of the textbook she probably learned from. I just wanted to go out for another smoke. What’s the point of “learning to forgive” and all this bullshit, if I don’t deserve it? Why does she insist on being such a pain when I don’t deserve all this?

My foot started tapping as my mind bounced from place to place. The past, the future, that night, and all the days before it with those two. All I thought of was everything, everything but what I should have been.

She turned her head, slightly leaning forward as her eyes gently touched mine, cutting me off from staring at the books behind her. “Do you remember the coping skills we’ve been working on?”

Taking in a deep breath my foot stopped.

“Good.”

Good? I didn’t do anything. What does she- I noticed my foot stopped and the heavy breath leaving me. I remembered my two days of trying to cut out all the practice and progress. Remembering how some people don’t deserve to progress or to feel better. Some don’t deserve to be forgiven no matter what anyone has to say. I tried to bring them up in my mind, but the aching in the back of my skull came back. Baring my teeth and squeezing my eyes I took in a few rushed breaths.

Her eyes tightened and she leaned in further towards me. “Are you alright? Is it your head again?”

With the slightest movement of my head, I told her. I held back tears from the aching in my skull. I deserved this, didn't I?

Placing water down in front of me she coaxed me out from my shell. “You’ll be alright. I promise, no matter what.”

Feeling the throbbing come again and again I reached out for the cool water bottle before me, letting the chill of it rest against my head before I took a sip. I knew all this was pointless.

Setting down the water I stood, and she came up to me. “We still have fifteen minutes.” She pointed to the clock set beside her chair.

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“I need to clear my head, some air maybe.” She followed me out the door and I sat on the edge of the concrete slab that led into the office door. I pulled a smoke from the tin in my pocket and flipped open my lighter. Pulling in a lungful of the toxic stuff I sighed out as she sat beside me.

“You know, I can’t let a young man smoke outside my office.”

“I’m your last one. Aren’t I?”

“Yes but… it’s still not really... well, acceptable.” She smiled without it reaching her eyes which remained looking at me sideways.” Sighing she put her hand to her chin and looked into the grass and loose stones beyond. “You’re a good guy, I want to help you. You have to… learn to be helped. Does it make sense?”

“I don’t feel like I deserve it, I was the one who should have...”

“-You don’t need to be guilty, though it may feel that way. Just remember that. They wouldn’t want all your pain on their behalf.” Her same smile came across her lips again looking towards me as I pocketed the remaining filter into my jacket. “See, you’re not so bad. Most people would have just tossed that into the yard.”

I gave a fake smile. “I’m going to head home.” I’ll see you next week.

“I’ll be here.”

Standing, I picked up my bike from against the side of the building and started heading home. While peddling the wind came strong and I felt the wind blow through my hair and whip my jacket. The smell of honeysuckle came to me as I passed several large bushes. For a brief time of less than an hour, my mind was free. I was taken from sensation to sensation. I loved the feel of the clear air and the smell of all the wildflowers. I loved the mountain whose foot I came closer and closer to.

Gravity taking me downwards I saw my home in the distance. It was silhouetted against the sun and came to rest just before the tops of the mountain trees in the distance. As I came back up the next slope, I realized how free I had been, and how now I would soon again be eaten up by the dread and the guilt.

In my mind, the idea came and would not leave. Why not? What do I have to lose? I have nothing now, so there is nothing to lose.

I parked my bike on my side porch. Walking in the door I made my way up the steps. Packing into my old school bag, from way back when, went two sets of clothes, four sets of different socks, gloves, a second jacket, and my thick orange beanie. Pulling up an old loose floorboard I took my grandpa’s old revolver from the war. I checked it, full of six unspent rounds, and a box mostly full of ammunition. His old knife lay at the bottom still in its sheath that was attached to a holster for the revolver. I slid the double sheath into my pocket and looped my belt through its top, letting my jacket fall to cover them.

I came to the double doors that opened straight down into the root cellar where I found a handful of things to keep my stomach full.

Moving towards the front door I turned but stopped midway. I will not turn back.

With my bike, I turned towards the mountains and pushed off. Within a half hour, I had made it to the foot of the mountains. Having had many thoughts of how stupid I was, I kept going regardless. I passed through seeing every animal the woods had to offer. A fox chased a rabbit through a clearing, its attempt to pounce on the rabbit failed and the critter was reduced to scampering behind the rabbit going mad.

A half dozen deer pranced through the road ahead of me once I started the steep climb to the top. I had just stopped under a red oak, catching my breath and getting into one of my water bottles, the smaller of the two. I couldn’t help but smile like an idiot.

A bear raided a nearby trashed campsite, that a group of college students used to get drunk without dealing with noise complaints. I watched it from a distance, at first, I was a bit worried it would chase me or something like that, but as it turns out, the fat lazy thing couldn’t care less.

The light began to fade, so I pulled my bike off the trail, letting it sit under a thick bush.

I stepped down into the depths of a tall slope, I found a nice spot nestled between two downed trees to lay where the wind couldn’t get at me. I lowered my head to the earth below me and stared into the sky.

Darkness overtook the sky as I watched a hundred tiny lights slowly creep into the heavens above. As a star streaked through the sky above me, my only thought was of a different life. A life where I was free. I’d pay any price, but I have nothing but the skin on my back and my very own soul to pay it.

The distant light fell to earth. In the haze of twilight, drunken on my own dreams, my eyes fell closed as the light I believed to be a star fell. Taken by the cold and darkness, I fell into a great void. The darkness devoured me and there was something, a creature, or God. It spoke to me, and I screamed.

--