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I have always hated myself.

I am always alone.

No matter how many people are there around me. I am alone.

I am just an adopted pet by two old people who can't have their own kids. Even though I was still young, I knew. I was smart enough. My parents are way too old to have children. They are already 62.

I grew up being compared to my cousin, Valerie. Valerie is smart. Valerie is beautiful. Valerie is smart. Valerie is someone I will never be. Someone that my parents loved.

When we were kids, Valerie would always spend the summer on my house because my parents love her so much. How they praise Valerie at everything she does. While I on the other hand, an ugly girl who only cares about listening to Malice Mizer and Marilyn Manson songs.

They never praised my guitar skills nor my above average grades. To them, I am just shit. Something that Valerie can never be. That's why I hate myself. That's why I never loved myself.

The comparison series continues.

Valerie went to the same high school as me. Cucumber High. I remember my mom went to school once just to invite her for dinner. And one time, on a PTA meeting, she asked me where Valerie was.

I know. They feed me, shelter me and clothed me. But... I wish I was loved.

Until I gave up. I just don't care anymore.

But somehow, I still keep my above average grades and I learned lots of things thinking that my parents would praise me. Skateboard, drawing, poetry and song writing. But I am nothing to Valerie. Valerie is girly. Verie is famous. Valerie is perfect.

I want to die.

Waking up and realizing I haven't died in my sleep, I took a deep sigh.

It's another great day.

Taking a bath, brushing my teeth, getting dressed for school, eating breakfast.... you know, the norm. There are times when I just wish that an alien would just knock on my door and ask me to help them for world domination with Putin and Kim Jong Un .. I would definitely say yes.

You might be reading a stolen copy. Visit Royal Road for the authentic version.

When would these normal days even end?

That's when I remembered.... the Track and Field Team. Maybe....

Unlike basketball, the 100 meter dash requires no team play. And besides, I already built up some stamina by running at the Cucumber Park before going to school before.

So, there I was. Going at school as usual. Seeing these unfamiliar but familiar faces, I feel like throwing up.

Spending time at the classroom, I feel irritated at how time pass slowly. Why though? Why.

I can't focus on the lecture just thinking about joining the team. Maybe I could make some friends there? And maybe... a good looking guy.

"Hi there. Are you new here? You know, I like girls with glasses." Something like that.

And then, like one of those drama's, we'd slowly fall in-love....

Until... I saw her, getting warmed up. Wearing the P.E. uniform of this school. A white shirt and a red pair of bloomers. Valerie's long hair and long and white legs were the best selling movie for the guys around her.

I turned my back around and slowly blend into the background.

"Hazel!!" It was Valerie.

Please kill me.

"Valerie! My beloved cuz!" I faked a smile.

"What are you doing here?" I just can't stop staring at her legs and her big boobs. I feel so insecure with my small body.

"Oh, you know..."

"She's joining the Track and Field team." It was the guy from yesterday. He was wearing a red tracksuit with the logo of the Cucumber High.

I glared at him.

He looked at he as if he saw a ghost.

"Oh. I thought you were the president of the Go Home Club?" Valerie said with a smirk. This is the part of her that I hate the most. She knows how much I hate her.

"Yes, I am. See yah." Peace out, fuckers.

"Wait!!" The guy on the tracksuit yanked me by the back of my collar.

"What the fuck!?"

"Join the Track and Field Team." He smiled forcefully.

"I am going home. Doing my club activities."

"Let her be." Valerie said. "She is always like that. Which is why Auntie has always been disappointed at her. She does nothing. Simply because she is worth nothing."

"Valerie!"

"No, she's right." I smiled. "I am nothing compared to her."

I turned around and took my earphones from my pocket because I know that the voices will come again.

I hate myself.

I will never amount to anything.

I want to die.

At home, I looked at the mirror, stating those words. As if they were a prayer. A prayer to a God who would help me in this miserable life of mine.

At times like these in anime, a certain God would show up and do shit. But real life is not like that. All I ever see in the mirror is my blurred reflection because I am not wearing my glasses.

I hate myself.

I want to die.

Maybe I should just kill myself?

That way, the pain would end.

No one would cry for me anyways.

Not even my real parents.

Yes, not even them.

I met them last year. They were separated and has new families. They just looked at me and faked a smile. And then we left.

It was nothing like those T.V. drama's. I am the manifestation of their failed relationship. I am trash.

That is why I know, deep inside them, behind their smiles, were hatred. Like, what am I doing there? They already threw me away and yet, I still wanted to meet them?

I am so stupid.

I am garbage.

But... garbage can still be recycled while me? I am just a waste of space. I feel guilty eating, drinking and breathing. I want to die yet I am still fed while others die from hunger. I want to die while others are diagnosed with cancer. I want to die. Yet I am alive.

Should I waste my life?

I am not killing myself though. Not because I feel . But because I am a pussy.

Ahhhh.... contemplating suicide. What a nice activity for the Go Home Club.

I jumped in my bed and tried to sleep. But the voices came and told me how worthless I am. As if what I said to myself wasn't enough.

Chapter One : Go Home Club - End