And there I stood, looming over the child who slept in his crib. He couldn’t have been more than a year old. The chieftain’s son laid there without a care in the whole world, unaware that I stood there. Ile’Sethak had commanded me to do the unthinkable. He bid me to murder that innocent child. “An enemy unlike any other.” That's how he described it. I was a fool to expect anything more than this. I envisioned a great and mighty warrior. But then of course, I would have met them on the field of battle, wouldn’t I? I was such a fool.

“Do not hesitate, Hadrian.” Ile’Sethak’s voice was so close to my ear, I could feel his forked tongue licking my skin. “This child stands in the way of your ascension. Kill him, or he will kill you.”

“It…it's only a child.” My voice trembled as I uttered the words. Ile’Sethak was quick to reprimand me.

“For now, but children grow. You fed his father to your pet. His mother is being taken away, her fate yet undecided. Perhaps you will set her free. Perhaps you will force yourself upon her and put a child in her. It matters not what is done with her. What matters is what is done with the child.”

“But that's just it, my lord. I can’t hurt a child. This tiny thing can not comprehend what is happening now.”

“The child will grow. He will become a man and learn about what was done here today. He will gather his own armies and comrades, and in the end he will slay you. All that we have built. All that you have done will crumble away into dust, and none will remember your name other than being a footnote for humanity.”

“It doesn’t need to be like that. I can raise him as my own son. He can be a shining beacon for our empire. He can-”

“He will learn the truth eventually. Your lies will not be able to save you. In his rage he will slay you and you will have none to blame but yourself.”

“I can send him away. Far away. I can travel out of the land and take him to a dock. He’ll be given to a captain and taken far away beyond the sea.”

“He will travel all across the world and learn the truth. If you let him live, then his destiny will ultimately be your death. If you kill him now, then you will not feel his blade at your throat. What is one life compared to all of your kind?”

Tears fell from my eyes as I listened to the serpent god. The gravity of what I was contemplating weighed heavily on my soul unlike anything I had felt. I closed my heart when I nailed my enemies to their crosses, but a child? A child who has never even taken his first steps let alone hurt someone? It was unimaginable.

“For your empire to thrive, Hadrian… for humanity to have one shining light that I have orchestrated into the world, you must take this life. You’ve slain so many people and subjected them to so much pain already. What is one more skull on the pile?”

“I… I can't…”

“You must!” The serpent god yelled at me, shaking my body with his loud and furious roar. Yet it seemed like only I heard him, for the child was not disturbed. “I have delivered my creations into your hands as their Kai’Sar! I have them worshiping at your feet! Your city will outshine the broken wall a hundred times over! Centuries will pass, millennia even, and people will still be singing the praises of Hadrian! Hadrian: the indomitable! Hadrian: the great! Hadrian: the crucified! Hadrian: the emperor! All of these things, I have forged for you, so don’t you dare defy me now! Obey!”

I felt the presence of Ile’Sethak leave me at that moment. I fell to my knees and placed my hands on my face. I wept over the terrible command. My eyes were wet and my heart ached. And then I heard the soft cooing of the child having just woken up from a nap.

My heart sank as I stood and walked over to the crib. To this day I remembered exactly what he looked like at that moment. His eyes were a beautiful sky blue, where if you looked closely you could see hints of green. He had brown curly hair that was soft to the touch. That of his people his skin was a more olive color, albeit soft in complexion. I looked at the child with a sense of awe, as if I had just a son I never knew I had.

Slowly, I reached over to the child and picked him up. He cooed at me and looked very curious at me. His eyes were just so full of wonder. Had I not been here, he might have grown to become a scholar. He reached over to my armor and touched it, my bronze chestplate being modeled after my own flesh. His hands just kept exploring. He gripped my finger so very tightly. I sighed and sat down with my back against the wall.

What was I doing with my life? What was the point to all of this? What would my empire look like if I carried out this terrible task? My heart ached at the thought of it. Contemplating the murder of that innocent who even at that moment regarded me with a look that only a son would give to his father. Who said that fate had to be written in stone? There are many stories out there of men who defied the will of the gods and came out all the better for it, aren’t there?

If my empire was to be founded on the blood of an innocent child, did it truly deserve to come into existence? I thought to myself intently and begged the question. What was fate? What was destiny if not a proclamation foretold by the gods? Did I not have free will? Could I not just disappear? Perhaps I could have let Octavian take my stead? I could forsake everything I worked for in that moment just so I wouldn’t have to be the one to kill the child.

This text was taken from Royal Road. Help the author by reading the original version there.

The infant continued to look at me. His toothless smile did more damage to my heart than any weapon would have. He reached up to hold my finger. He was so tiny, my one finger was larger than both of his hands. How could I even consider hurting him?

And so I did it. I defied my destiny. On that day, I vanished from the history books. My legion was left without their Kai’Sar. I took the child as my own and I raised him as my son. I watched him grow from such a tiny infant to a man. I saw him become a warrior, one that I could be proud of. We lived alone where no men nor gods could ever find us. I would never be seen again, but at least I would have saved the most precious of lives.

…Oh how I wish that was true, but this was not one of those stories. Despite how much I wish it was, I did not follow my heart. Outside of those walls I had the beginnings of an empire. Thousands of people relied on me. Could I truly abandon them for the life of one soul, no matter how innocent it may be? Ile’Sethak said that it was not just for my sake but for the sake, but humanity’s. The whole world would one day look upon my works and imitate me. Though we lived in jungles, I would turn it into marble. I would lay the groundwork for generations to follow after me so they too could stand in the light of my glory. They would be witnesses to a new people. One that will prosper for ages to come.

I stood up, carrying the child in my arms and walked down the hall. Every step I took felt like a knife being plunged into my back and pulled downward before a sharp twist finished the deed. With every step I was betraying my own sense of morality. But one man’s sense of right and wrong means nothing in the grand scheme of things. I reached the threshold to the balcony and saw my armies sacking the city. Flames rose high in the air as all that these people worked for would turn to ash by the next dawn. Screams of citizens rang out in the distance and echoed loudly under the roof of the great cave that most of the city was under. They sounded like the howls of hell, and it was then that I realized the true weight of crowns and empires.

I looked down at the youth in my arms and felt my soul leave my body in disgust as the infant reached up to hold my hand. Such tiny hands. I reached the railing of the balcony and steeled myself with an inhuman resolve. Below the castle I could see the faces of my legionnaires barking orders and capturing the citizens to be used as slaves. I saw the face of my blackened heart stare back at me through their actions. But if humanity was to survive thanks to my actions, then let people judge me not on my own words but my deeds. That is why I tell you both the good and the evil I have done. I bid you to judge me harshly but fairly. It is the most I deserve.

The wife of the chieftain was led out of the keep with her arms bound behind her back. She turned to look at me as if fate demanded it, and the sounds I heard wrenched my heart more than anything before. She let out a wild mad scream like a wounded animal. It would have been a far better mercy for her if I had flayed her alive and thrown her in boiling oil, anything other than what I was about to do.

I looked at the infant in my arms. He looked at me with those sparkling eyes that shone with such innocence that only the most depraved and sickest of creatures would scoff at it. I placed the cloth of the infant’s wrappings over the face of the child and then grabbed the cloth with one hand. A tight clenched fist and dangled the child over the railings. It was there that all of my men could see, as even they were in disbelief of what I was doing. I could only imagine the horror that went on through their minds. Octavian, Cao Tzu, Kallista, Mil’Tuk, Straden, and Brutus. I knew not what they thought about me in those moments…nor do I wish to know.

All of my men watched with bated breath to see what I would do. Do the ends truly justify the means? How far is a man willing to go to ensure the survival of his race, his species? How many like that poor child need to die so that a better world can be created? Did Ile’Sethak really have the best intentions for humanity through my empire? Alas, In that regard I am ignorant. Especially at that moment, for I was young and stupid. I stared at the swaddling cloth once more and saw a hand reaching out towards me. I shall never forget that image, nor the feeling of self hatred and disgust I felt after I had done the unthinkable. The deed had been done. I let go.

***

“You killed me…” The wife of the chieftain said with no emotion. That was the worst feeling of all. There was no hate, no fury, just an emptiness that burned hotter than any righteous anger. She sat alone in her cell. We had moved back to our camp to let the Broken wall burn. Even the wooden structure that had replaced the wall was quietly smoldering as night fell upon us. She was sitting down on the ground, her eyes stained with tears as she looked vacantly away. They were almost completely soulless, empty and filled with a vast pit of blackness that knew no end.

“You can leave if you wish.” I assured her, perhaps in a pitiful attempt to clear my conscience. “My men won’t pursue you and you can live in peace.”

She scoffed. A single chuckle escaped her lips as she shook her head in such a manner that it was barely noticeable, as if she lacked the energy to do otherwise.

“How merciful of you…” Her tone dripped with contempt, ire and venom. It mocked me, and I deserved it.

I said nothing. What could I say? I had done the unthinkable. I could —rightfully so— point out that she left the child undefended. But that mattered little in the grand scheme of things I suppose. You might have a hope beyond hope that your child will somehow be safe.

“You killed my son and now you want me to live? Where would I go? How would I survive? No. You don’t get to be merciful now. My chieftain’s flesh is consumed by your pet, and you cast my child down from the keep. You’ve taken everything from me. I was wrong, you haven’t killed me. You’ve done far worse. So do whatever you wish. I care not.”

Again I had nothing to say. I did far worse to her than I would my own enemy. I utterly destroyed her. What use was it for her for me to admit my sorrow? I couldn’t restore the child back to life, and no amount of apologizing in the world could help.

“You could do anything you desired: you could kill me, you could feed me to your lizard as you did my chieftain, you could turn me loose and let me die in the jungle, you could even have your way with me. You could be the barbarian that you are and rip off all of my clothes and defile me. You could even plant your own spawn into me. I wouldn’t care. You’d never get any form of satisfaction from me. I am dead. I know not what evil I’ve done, but if this is hell then I must have done something to deserve it. My life is hell now, and you’re the demon that rules it. Hate can not even describe what I feel for you. I don’t even know what I feel is anger or sadness or anything. I just…am.”

I turned away. The truth of her words stung far worse than anything I’ve felt. Even my own crucifixion paled in comparison to the pain and guilt I was feeling. I imagined a world where I had died on that cross. That world sounded far more sweeter than I had imagined. If I was willing to go that far, then what hope was there for me? I could very well take the woman up on her offer and make another child. How low would I sink then? I killed her child and replaced it with my own. Yes. That would be depraved, wouldn’t it? But no. No, that was far too wicked.

That night, I took no comfort. No carnal pleasures from my concubine, no drink or meat. Everyone else celebrated our great victory. The jungle lands were united and I had brought order to a lawless place. The tribes were united and bowed at my feet. Now I could consolidate my power and prepare for my rematch with the bull…and yet I laid there feeling as if I fought a battle that would have been better if I had lost. I am not a man who wallows in his own choices for long, but that day became my greatest regret. I prayed that I would never have to make another choice like that ever again. Yet even so, I knew one thing for sure. Ile’Sethak was indeed a cruel god, and I expected that he would have me do something like that again. I told myself that if that were to happen, then let an arrow find my black heart before I commit to the foul deed.