Excerpts from an exploration to the poles

We have found a mysterious metal ship in the northern ice regions of Terra. It has remarkable similarities to that of our own ships. We have reported this finding, and we received a classification notice and a lump of money for hush money. Apparently, this was something big. I wanted to go report this to the news media, but I noticed something watching me at night. Over the years of exploring the ice caps, I have learned to trust my instincts so I decided that it would be best to keep my mouth shut. But that metal ship... What was it? Why was it classified?

        - Dave Cassowary

Descal

After enjoying the sight of the full fury of a forest fire, I started to make my rounds checking up on the surviving soldiers of my squad, congratulating the commanders, talking with a couple soldiers. When I was going to the medic tent to check on the injured soldiers, I met up with Cecilia who wanted me to come to her private tent to discuss the battle and our plan of action. Cecilia dismissed her maids asking them to prepare a bath for her. As soon as the maids left the tent, she collapsed onto the chair.

"Ugggh. I don't want to do that ever again. And I look like shit." (Cecilia)

"You did great though. The men are already starting to call you the Blood Valkyrie with how you charged at the enemy all covered in blood. You've won a lot of respect from your men." (Descal)

"So, did you. You've earned the title, Incinerator. One who incinerates all foes in the battlefield." (Cecilia)

"Yeah. I have conflicted feelings about that. Either way, from the preliminary reports, we managed to wipe out most of the enemy infantry. I highly doubt that your uncle will be able to recover from such a devastating loss especially in the first battle." (Descal)

"Yeah. Congratulations Descal for such a major victory in the first battle. Many are praising your tactical abilities." (Cecilia)

"And I wonder who is spreading such rumors." (Descal)

"Oh please. You should be thanking me for helping you with your reputation. By the way, please refrain from using such reckless strategy in the future. Do you know how close you were in getting a negative reputation?" (Cecilia)

"Oh, please. It wasn't that bad. I had the villagers near the forest evacuated beforehand, and I strategically cut down branches and combustible material to limit the fire's spread. Not only that, I made sure villages stocked up on sand and water. It wasn't that bad." (Descal)

"Yes. And what will the villagers do now? That forest was their livelihood." (Cecilia)

"You can think of a solution. It is in your job description." (Descal)

"Descal. I don't like how you just dumped all that responsibility on to me. You should take some of the responsibility too." (Cecilia)

"Sorry. Not in my job description." (Descal)

"You want me to include it in your job description?" (Cecilia)

"I am the Royal Guard Captain. Good luck trying to include that in my job description." (Descal)

Cecilia mumbled something angry, but I simply ignored it... much to my later regret.

"And yet, the Royal Guard Captain was able to think of such a flawless strategy that won us the battle." (Cecilia)

"I will accept praise when I earn it. What I did was simply placing a bunch of traps in the battlefield beforehand. If you really want to praise someone, praise Cornelia or Finus for their abilities." (Descal)

"It was you who had the foresight of using the conscripts' understanding of the lands to find optimal places for the traps, and it was you who orchestrated the defeat of Farrago." (Cecilia)

"Any amateur can do that." (Descal)

"Whatever. Anyway, what did you think about the Farrago?" (Cecilia)

"The traitor's intelligence system is good, and they are no fools. That is for certain. We shouldn't get let our guard down after this victory. It's only going to get harder." (Descal)

"That's right. Although we are lucky that it was Farago that came after us, imagine if it was someone stronger." (Cecilia)

"Not really. Your uncle, or whoever the enemy tactician is, did not underestimate us. Yeah, "Mirror" Farrago may be the weakest of the Generals in strategic thinking, but he is an unparalleled anti-mage fighter. I can already tell that whoever thought of this plan is extremely good at strategy. In fact, now that I am looking at this battle in hindsight, we almost lost this battle." (Descal)

"What do you mean?" (Cecilia)

"We only won because of one reason. The enemy tactician underestimated me. It most likely won't happen again." (Descal)

"Huh?" (Cecilia)

"Here let me explain. The enemy tactician already knew of the incompetence of our general and the political ramifications that would occur if we tried to go against that old buffoon. That meant that we really had only one option of winning the battle. Removing the enemy general." (Descal)

"I don't get it. As soon as we broke the pike line with our cavalry, wasn't it game over? We didn't really have to go after the Farrago, right? We only went after him for political reasons." (Cecilia)

"That's what I thought too. But I realized that if the General had been someone more tactically competent, he or she would have had everyone retreats to the edge of the forest where there are fewer traps in order to nullify the cavalry. Of course, Farrago wouldn't have such insight to do that. But, if we ignored him and simply went to the center to finish off the enemy troops in the center, he could have rallied the cavalry that ran off from the battlefield earlier due to Cornelia and caught us in a pincer. The enemy cavalry gave up way too easily in the left flank now that I think about it." (Descal)

"Yeah. I still don't see the problem though. It was our initial plan to go remove the enemy general." (Cecilia)

"Exactly! Our whole plan hinged on being able to take out the General. We had no choice, but to take out the General. And the enemy General was Farrago! Alright, if you want to take out the enemy general, you would want the strongest member of your army to challenge him, right? " (Descal)

"Yes?" (Cecilia)

"Now who is the strongest member of your army?" (Descal)

"That would be you. As you demonstrated with those spars and the fact that you can use chantless magic." (Cecilia)

"That's right. During those spars, I didn't fight with my blades. I fought with magic to understand the limitations of my container. Now, if our enemy was paying attention, they would think that I was an incredibly powerful mage. Now, remind me... what type of fighter is Farrago?" (Descal)

Cecilia's eyes widened as the realization struck her. 

"He was an anti-mage fighter." (Cecilia)

"That's right. In addition, I am the captain of the Royal Guard. In other words, the only way I can go into battle is if you go to the battlefield as well. The enemy tactician was planning to end this war in the first battle." (Descal)

Cecilia shivered as she also realized how close we came to losing this battle. I was also deeply surprised and worried. The amount of foresight the enemy managed to show was terrifying, and we don't have anyone in our army that can match that level. We have a long road ahead of us.

"Well, it is rather impressive that you managed to figure out the enemy's intended plan. I don't think anyone else figured out how close we really came to losing." (Cecilia)

"Yeah. After the battle ended." (Descal)

This content has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

Cecilia ignored what I said and asked me to help her take off her armor. Of course, I began to whine about having her maids do it, but she said that it would be bad if the maids did it. She wouldn't tell me the reason why. She didn't really need to as the smell of piss hit me as Cecilia began to strip in front of me.

"You seriously pissed your pants?" (Descal)

"Shut. It." (Cecilia)

"Eh. I am pretty sure that any newbie to the battlefield would piss their pants. Did you leak when the gold rank charge-" (Descal)

I never managed to complete my sentence before Cecilia kicked me in the shin. While I was nursing my injury, Cecilia grabbed my collar and glared at me. Combined with how she was covered in dried blood, it made her look even scarier as her eyes bore straight into me.

"What the hell were you doing when that Gold Rank charged me? Oh, wait. You were just floating up there, watching me get pummeled." (Cecilia)

"Oh... you saw me?" (Descal)

"Damn right I did. If I recall, you had a nice smile on your face when the guy punched me in the face after I blocked his first strike. Anything to say about that?" (Cecilia)

"...It was good practice for you?" (Descal)

"You could have had the decency to at least keep a neutral face." (Cecilia)

"I don't do anything with decency. You think burning down an entire forest to kill an army is decency?" (Descal)

"Don't get smart with me. You know what. Fine. Don't apologize. Two can play at that game." (Cecilia)

Cecilia whipped around to head for the bathing tent. She burned her piss-stained clothes so that no one would know that the "Bloody Valkyrie" pissed herself in combat. I decided to go to the mess hall, wondering if I should have apologized. Nah. What's the worst she could do?

--------26 hours later-------

The fact that she made me listen to a 2-hour long speech at dawn speaks volume of how much she is punishing me right now. I was brushing my teeth with a rag when I was called by one of my subordinates to quickly get ready for a meeting that Cecilia has begun. She purposely had no one tell me of the meeting beforehand so I had to run over there with zero preparation or idea of what the meeting was going to be about. It turned out to simply be a congratulatory speech about our battle and how she was going to choose a new Commanding General for our army. 

Then, came the award ceremony. Commander Cornelia and Finus gained nobility status for their deeds while I lost my Captain status to Felix. Lot's of confusion could be seen when this occurred. Huh. She must have hated me that much to take away my Captain status. Eh. 

I began to start daydreaming until I heard Cecilia call my name. Confused, I walked down the aisle toward Cecilia, and after a small bow, I stood in front of her. Normally, it is custom that someone kneels in front of the royalty until called upon, but everyone got used to the special case that was me. I refused to kneel down, and everyone knew that no one could force me. After all, everyone knew of our relationship in which I could freely speak my mind to her without punishment.

"Descal. Your contributions to this battle are something that cannot be overlooked. You have managed to maximize damage to our enemy while minimizing our own casualties with your insight and cunning. In addition, you were able to meet the enemy General head on and win. Without you, we would have lost this battle. With your merits, it seemed insufficient to keep you as a Captain of the Royal Guards. As a result, I am now promoting you to the Commanding General of the Royal Army. I pray that you serve us well." (Cecilia)

Oh. You. Bitch. This is not good. I don't need any more responsibilities. I am planning on ditching you after this war. Stop making it harder for me to leave this country. Not only that, why me? Was this your fucking idea when you told me that you had a plan? To put me in that position? I need to think of something fast.

"Ah. Your majesty. I do not think that I am qualified for such an important position. I highly doubt my..." (Descal)

"Oh. Do not worry. I am not appointing by my sole decision. I have received a petition from all the commanding officers and nobility to promote you to that position. You have won the faith of this entire army." (Cecilia)

Translation: We elected you shithead. If you try to use that reasoning, you have called everyone in this army fools for trying to promote you. Not only that, you will have snubbed a bunch of important people. 

I quickly tried to think of another reason. Anything! I really don't want this position! However, one look at Cecilia's face made me feel powerless for the first time. Her smile was a smile of victory. It felt as if she was daring me to try to decline this offer. She probably prepared a whole list of countermeasures to any reason I give for declining the position of Commanding General. For the first time, I truly understood what Lehai was hinting at. This is how scary Cecilia was in politics. If she wanted something, she is going to get it one way or another. And the only way to stop her is by using brute strength or killing a shit ton of people. Woe to anybody who did not have such options in their arsenal.

 Suddenly, a heard a small cough from the audience. Ahh. I guess the tense atmosphere was too much for some of the members. With a stiff smile, I accepted the position and after listening to a bunch of people congratulating and sucking up to me, I quickly decided to go to my tent and just chill. Read up on some history or some research papers. Work on some explosives. Only to find out that my tent has been moved right next to the main tent that houses royalty. 

With a sigh, I trudged back over to Cecilia's tent and look at my puny housing compared to Cecilia's lavish luxury tent. She really knows how to piss someone off passive aggressively. 

When I went into my tent, the first thing I see is a bunch of papers. My lab equipment was stacked up in a different desk. But the paperwork was immense. I had five one meter high piles of paperwork all over my tent. I started to make a strangled gasp when I heard the tent flap open, and a hand was placed on my shoulder.

"I believe that all of this fits under your job description now." (Cecilia)

"You can't make me do it." (Descal)

"Oh really. Wanna try me?" (Cecilia)

"Watch your fuckin mouth. I can kill you right here and now." (Descal)

"I know you won't." 

"What makes you so sure?" 

"Well. Let's look over the reasons why you are even following me. Although you tried to be vague as much as possible with me, it was really easy to deduce your intentions for supporting me. First, you see a little bit of your situation in me. We both committed horrible crimes and have lost much of our "humanity". You literally lost it while I have mentally lost it. Second, if I do succeed in keeping my promise and redeem myself in a way, it will provide mental comfort to you that it would be possible for you to make peace with your past as well. Third, you have recently undergone quite a traumatic experience. You have regained your human body and regained some of your humanity, albeit with some difficulties, for a short period of time only to lose it so quickly. To cope with this experience, you are trying to fool yourself that you are still human by keeping that promise you've made. After all, no monster would keep a promise that would have no guarantee of tangible benefits. Do you want me to keep going?" 

I really wanted to kill Cecilia right now. To think she has found out everything so quickly. But if I did, then I would be no better than the monster I was a thousand years ago. I don't want the morals, love, and lessons I learned from the other world to go to waste. This is supposed to be a new start to me. It hasn't even been a decade since my reintroduction to this world, and I am already seriously contemplating murder. SIgh. 

"Enough. So I won't kill you. But you can't make me do all this paperwork." 

"Oh really. Then, I guess you won't care if rumor went around that you are a pedophile and a rapist." 

"What? No. You wouldn't dare. You can't."

"Oh. I can do it." 

"You fuckin bitch. Then, I will simply run away." 

"I will then have cause to put up wanted postures and make your life a living hell for about three centuries." 

"Do you want to cause a fourth Calamity War?" 

"Sure. If it means achieving my goal."

"How does starting a Fourth Calamity War help your goal?" 

"Well. I always have the option of dying heroicly in the view of the public. I can profit quite nicely by ratting you out to the church. Two, I don't really mind dying. It will save me the trouble of trying to redeem myself."

"I can't tell if you are actually trying to redeem yourself or just trying to commit suicide to escape."

"Both. Either one works with me."

"Fuck you."

"You are a great partner Descal."

"Okay. FIne. I'll do it. But what is with the amount of paperwork here. I can't remember my predecessor having this much work. At most, he only had one pile." 

"Oh, that's because I didn't trust that old fool as far as I could kick him. As a result, I purposely did what should have been his job myself. Now that I have someone I trust as Commanding General, I can finally give full responsibility back to you! You must be so happy that I trust you like this!" 

I walked over to one of the piles and took out a piece of paper and quickly scanned it.

"I don't see how calculating taxes is part of my job." 

"It's in your job description that the Commanding General will assist the Royalty with any additional task that the Royalty deems necessary during times of war." 

"Give me the fuckin contract of my job right now."

"Oh yeah... You wouldn't know about it. Okay. I'll quickly write one out for you and have one of my maids give it to you in the morning."

"Wait. This entire stack of paperwork has to deal with marriage requests. Why the hell am I doing it?"

"Descal. I have no time to deal with all these marriage proposals. However, leaving them unanswered will be bad. It won't matter if the handwriting is different but send proper responses back to them. By the way, properly answer them back. If you offend them, it will be even more work, and it will bite you back in the ass in the future. It won't bite me because I have a scapegoat." 

"Oh for.. Leave your love life out of my workplace! I don't want to..." 

"Descal. I am actually being nice here. First, I will waive the requirement that you need to be present at social events. I can take care of that for you. Well, most of them. Some of them you really need to go. Second, your little fiasco with that forest has given me five two meter stacks of paperwork to fill out. I am sure as hell not going to do them all so expect more paperwork in the morning. So fu-shut up and do your work." 

"Really? You still won't say fuck, but you can say hell and ass?"

"Descal. I don't know how it was in the other world or in the past, but the f-word is on a whole other level than the other cuss words I have said. Yes. They may cause some eyebrows to rise, but they are nothing compared to the f-word."

"Okay. Fuck you. I fucking hate you. Go fuck yourself."

"I am glad we came to a mutual understanding."

"Fuck you. Fuck you. Get out of my fuckin tent." 

"I do hope you learned your lesson. Two can play this game Descal. Two can play this game."

"Fuck you."

With Cecilia gone, I collapsed at my chair and sighed. I really was looking forward to reading a couple of satirical pieces and working on explosives tonight. But, I got a bunch of paperwork to do. Thank god for my statistics class I took. It's gonna help a lot. To think I would be spending all-nighters like this in this world too. Oh shit. I am actually crying over paperwork. Fuck this. My first cry after losing my human body is over fuckin paperwork. Cecilia, you evil evil *long list of explicit words*. 

Well, complaining won't help. This stack isn't going to go away by itself. With a resigned sigh, I began crunching away at the numbers and filling out the reports. Now that I think about it, I should hire a secretary.