Tips and Asses

Their shift was coming to an end.

Grum tapped meaty fingers on the counter, watching Gabe count out two separate piles of money.

“Eighteen,” Gabe said, placing another dollar on Grum’s pile, the stack in his hand getting thin. “Nineteen.” Gabe placed one on his own pile. Then another on Grum’s pile. “Nineteen.”

“And this one here?” Gabe held up the remaining dollar from the tip jar. “Mine.”

“Why do you lay claim to it?” Grum asked as the bell on the door jingled. Candice strode past the tables, curly green hair pulled to one side, a haversack draped across her shoulders. She eyed the two with obligatory disdain, and crossed into the locker room. Predictable as a morning piss and Grum found a certain comfort in that.

“Hey Candice,” Gabe said, folding up the twenty dollars. Placing it in his wallet, he winked up at Grum. “In terms you’ll understand? Max charisma, baby. I’m doing you a favor only taking one extra.”

Grum leaned over, casting Gabe in shadow. He shoved a finger into his palm. “Loot is split equally.”

“Oh? Equally? Let’s be real… I slayed that counter today. Oozed out the charm.” Gabe puffed his chest out. “Meanwhile, someone gave you the name Clee Torres. And not only did you write it on the cup, you yelled it out. Several times.”

Candice marched out of the locker room, hands behind her back, adjusting her apron. “You’re in my way,” she said, shouldering past Gabe.

Gabe threw his hands up, aghast. “Damn, just ask me to move.”

“I did.” Candice reached under the counter, hoisted bag of beans onto her shoulder. She plopped it next to the LX-79 Bean Grinder. “And we count tips in the back.”

Gabe opened his mouth, but Candice interrupted him. “Blah… blah… some joke about a tip or my back.”

The two smiled. Gabe laughed, and Candice went back to loading up the Bean Grinder.

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Grum grabbed his sad, shortchanged, tips and sulked into the locker room.

He pulled the apron over his head and opened his locker. The door swung freely, exposing the carcass inside, metal bottom and top blown out, sides bent—a first-day modification so the most prized of all possessions, the Demonfire Battle Axe could fit inside.

Now, it held his apron. It held his consumables: Extra Strength Deodorant, Extra Strength Antacids, Extra Strength Aspirin. An extra pair of underwear. Also Extra Strength.

All the essentials a working Barbarian needed.

The locker door clanked shut, and he drew his punch card from its sleeve on the wall. Rows and rows of lines, filled with times and days. When it was filled, a blank one would be in its place, and if Grum lined them all up, the days would turn to weeks, to months, to years. Increments so small, you didn’t notice them…

Until you ran out of them.

Grum slid the card in.

Chunk.

Another clear line marred by passing time.

Another day with no Main Quests.

Another translucent box appeared in his vision.

“Quest complete,” he whispered.

The translucent quest box faded out. Another popped in its place. Then another spawned below, pushing the previous up. Then another. Then another. Then another.

Dinner plans, and drinking beer, and watching absolute bullshit on television until he bored himself to sleep.

Living the dream.

Back in the cafe, Gabe had a large Tarbean Go-Box under one of the machines, filling it with steaming black coffee.

Candice was squatting near the pastry counter, pawing around inside. “Two Apple Crust Powerbombs and what else?”

“Two Tartblast Lemon,” Gabe said, spinning the cap on the Go-Box. “Two Pain Au Chocolat, and… uh… A Cream-topped Suave Macaron.”

Candice grabbed the pastries with wax paper and skillfully arranged them in the box.

Grum cleared his throat. “Gabriel… I have a very busy day planned.”

“Oh, I’m sure you do. Super busy. One second.” Gabe placed the Go-Box next to the pastry box and evaluated it, chewing at his bottom lip.

Candice dusted her hands off on her apron. “You and Grum eating Pain Au Chocolat off each other’s taints tonight?”

Grum scrunched his face.

“Absolutely,” Gabe said. He hopped the counter, peaked his head into Eli’s office. “Thanks again for the info.”

Eli’s voice rang out from inside. “Hope it works out.”

“Me too,” Gabe said. He spun on his heels, strolled past Grum and into the locker room.

“So…” Candice tapped on the pastry box. “What’s all this really for?”

Grum shrugged.

“You have no idea?”

“I have no care.”

Candice popped a Chocolate Dough-Nug into her mouth. “I think he’s trying to seduce you.”

“I am certain he has tried several times, but I have warned him that he would not survive the encounter.”

“Alright.” Gabe popped out of the locker room, tapped for keys, phone, grabbed the Go-Box. “G, can you grab those pastries for me?”

Anything to speed up the process. As a curiosity, Grum asked, “who are these for?”

“Some help,” Gabe said. “I hope.”