Oh bloody fucking hell I think to myself. Another groups of morons who absolutely can't guess the ingredients to my fucking recipe. These asswipes using tumeric instead of saffron. Jesus christ.
"Fuck off."
"What the fuck," one of the contestants shouts.
"It's my fucking show. Only I'm allowed to swear you bimbo."
I'm Gordon Ramsay and this is my story.
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I don't know where I learned my first curse word but one of the first times I used the term 'fuck' was back in grade 4. Some bullies were pushing me around so I said "fuck off". I got a beating from them. The next day I was full of painful bruises.
Well enough of this nonsense about me being a child. I just want to skip to the fucking good part you testicularless twats.
One day I looked into this really fancy mirror. We just bought it for fucking $60 at IKEA. And all I saw was myself staring back at me. I go "fuck you", "I'm the fucking best", "where's the fucking lamb sauce" and shouting other things. I knew I had to buy this fucker. So we picked it up, went to the checkout and drove home.
I put it up on our living room wall. Our kids just stare at this garbage.
Then one night I woke up after having a nightmare. I went to the washroom and splashed some water over my face. I say "GORDON, you ain't afraid of no fucking nightmare". I walk past the IKEA mirror but I could see something unusual about it. There was some vibe that it gave off. It was a weird sensation. So I looked into it and all of a sudden a hand came out of the mirror and fucking grabbed me by the neck. I swear to God I wasn't smoking shrooms. I mean I've had them before my shows… but no I was sober this time.
The hand pulled me in. A blue circle opened up around the mirror and I was suddenly levitating in mid air. Then some force pulled me into the mirror.
I can't remember what happened next but I woke up several hours later. I'm in the middle of fucking nowhere. But this place. I've never seen it before. Where the fuck am I?
I look at my hands… and I can't believe it. Am I a fucking cartoon???? I pinch myself thinking this is some dream, but the pain I feel is real.
Am I on some deserted island too? I'm on a sandy beach. Behind me is a forest. But I could clearly see across the emerald waters and there is a huge landmass. I decided to build some sort of raft.
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I went into the forest and collected fallen logs. These logs were super light. But I saw my arms… they were very muscular... probably the reason why they didn't take much effort to lift. I saw some vines. I think fuck yeah I'll use these to tie the logs together. After 5 hours my fucking raft is built. I stare at the finished thing and I couldn't believe what popped up…
Some sort of fucking menu appears. It says "100 experience gained. Lvl. 2 reached. Carpentry skill enhanced to level 2." I ain't no fucking carpenter, I'm a fucking chef. Is building a raft carpentry? I fucking don't know. All I know is I'm gonna paddle across the water.
I push the raft into the water. I jump on it and then use the paddle I made to propel myself forward.
It takes 2 hours but I think I'm halfway across the water but then wtf?
I hear something from beneath the depths of the lake and then I see a black silhouette under the water. This silhouette is huge.
Some freak creature emerges. It's eyes shimmer in the sunlight. It's scales are covered in slime. The fins on this beast are in some sort of decrepit state. There's thousands of razor sharp teeth in its mouth. I think to myself, am I it's fucking food?
Then another menu pops up.
"BOSS FIGHT. Lvl. 100 Serton."
What the fuck… I'm only level 2. Why is it matching me up with some level 100 sea monster? This game is clearly fucking broken. I decide I don't want to play it anymore.
I scream at the monster. But I can't believe it. My scream is as loud as the fucking loudest thing in the entire world.
The monster flees back into the depths from where it came. The another menu pops up.
"Congratulations. Experience gained: 8000. Level 8 reached. Dragon Shout activated and is level 5."
I think to myself. What in the absolute fuck? I gained 6 levels for making some level 100 creature run away. I should have jumped to level 50. This game is clearly broken… but what do I know? Alll I've played is Wii Sports with my children.
Paddling is fucking hard. It takes me 3 more hours to reach the landmass. All this work has made me hungry. But after all, I'm a chef. I'm gonna fucking kill whatever walks and eat it. Maybe I can make some sort of spear and go hunting.
I grab a stick and I fucking grind the end of it on a rock until it's pointy.
Bloody fuck, this is hard work. How the hell did my ancestors survive?
I go into the forest searching for food. Then I see something. It looks kind of like a pig. I think to myself I'll make a pig skewer. The only difference between this beast and a pig is it has tusks like an elephant.
I throw my spear violently. The spear pierces the heart of the pig. And it collapses on the ground with a huge grunt.
A notification pops up that says:
"Level 9 reached. Hunting skill increased to level 2."
Holy fuck this is gonna be my dinner. Now how do I start a fire.
Raising my hands in front of me, I pretend there's another menu and then low and behold the menu pops up. In it reads:
Level 9
Available skills:
Dragon Shout: Level 5
Carpentry: Level 2
Hunting: Level 2
Locked skills (Must be level 10)
Epic curse: Level 0
Cooking: Level 0
Jumping: Level 0
Moonlight energy: Level 0
And then at the very bottom of this menu is a log out button. I'm like holy fuck I can get out of this world. I go to press this but nothing happens. Jesus Christ it's broken. From the developers that decided it was a good idea for a level 2 to face a level 100… I think this is no surprise. This game is full of bugs.
"FUCK OFF"
Another menu pops up
"Experience gained 1000. Level 10 reached. Epic curse unlocked and is level 1.
I think to myself, I've unlocked another skill just by swearing?