I nailed Kulades straight in his oversized forehead. At this range, the bullet punched straight out the other side with a pink mist. In etherspace, I knew, destructive energies were scouring the concept of him out of existence, shredding his soul, corrupting memories of him—even Horcutio himself might feel a small sting. Probably not—it’d be like if one of your intestinal bacteria tried to punch you in the kidney—but there would be an effect, insignificant as it might be.

Kulades had been many things in life—a warrior, a leader, a living scion of a god—but what hit the ground wasn’t even a body. It was semiotically decimated. It was meat, nothing more.

His soul had been shredded to ribbons, never to return to Horcutio. The ultimate act of violence, done in Kives’s name. May it poison them both.

I landed on my feet, brandishing my pistol at the other pirates, who were staring in horror at what had been Kulades. They might not know what a pistol was, but the demonstration was convincing enough.

“Throw down your fucking weapons,” I shouted. “On your knees! Hands on your head! I said get the fuck down, I’m not asking twice!”

The muscly lady who’d been the first to welcome us onboard snarled and lifted her weapon, a cruel-looking hook, and started toward me. Pity, I liked her aesthetic. I fired again.

The bullet caught her in the arm, but that didn’t matter with disruptor weapons. I saw the exact moment when the ether shock fired through her arm to her self-concept and into her soul. Another pile of meat slumped onto the deck, weapon clattering onto the wood.

“I said,” I shouted, “get your knees on the ground or I will fucking erase you. Is that clear?”

There was a clattering noise as the holdouts embraced the better part of valor.

Markus had broken free of his captors and was training his gun on the assembled pirates as he made his way across the deck toward me.

“How’s it looking?” he asked quietly. I peeked a glance. The Friend of Heaven was in two halves, rapidly sinking, and the waters around it were frothing red.

“Bad,” I said. “Commander, we need exfil.”

“Just stay put,” said Val. “Need to retrieve the transmitter.”

“Yeah, sorry,” I said. “Aquatic Mad Max over here didn’t like the cursed necklace.”

“I’ve nearly caught it with one of the waterjets,” said Val. “There we go. Reprogramming. I’m going to try to spoof Kulades’s signal.”

“Calm them down so we can get out of here,” I said.

“No,” said Val. “Kulades brought an army of killers and made them hungry. We still have our objectives. We need to coordinate them.”

“Oh, shit,” said Markus. “They’re all turning on each other.”

I peeked again. Sure enough, the red waters weren’t just around the Friend of Heaven, they were spreading out. And they were especially hectic around the hippocampi. Screams and squeals filled the air.

There was a clunk as a boarding hook landed right next to me.

“Markus,” I said urgently. “We have boarders incoming.”

“I love it when things go according to plan,” he said brightly. “It’s bound to happen one day.” He turned. “Lilith! It’s not just boarders!”

Another hook, another clunk. I turned. There were a lot of people down there throwing hooks. I didn’t see anything else.

“What?” I asked.

“The ropes are tied to the ship!” said Markus. “They’re dragging us down with them!”

“What?” I said. “Who’s stupid enough to—”

I stopped. I knew.

“Change of plans, my good friends!” said Markus, turning to our hostages. “It’s a beautiful day, the sea life is active, and every one of us is going to die unless we act quickly!”

“Put all the weight on the back of the ship!” I said. “They’re trying to capsize us!”

They stared at us dumbly.

“Move it!” I screamed. “Go go go! The fish have all gone crazy! If the ship sinks, we’re bait!”

That got them moving. I wondered how often they saw feedings happen for it to be that motivating. Some went belowdecks to try to shift the cargo; others started pushing crates across the top decks.

“Val,” I said through gritted teeth, “we need an exit here.”

“If I don’t handle this perfectly, we have to do the whole thing again,” said Val. “Frankly, the only reason we weren’t forced to abort is because I managed to recalibrate the broadcast after you lost the transmitter.”

“Yeah, yeah, you’re really smart,” I said. “Can you calm the fish down?”

“Ah, not at present.”

“We’re making them angrier,” said the commander. “We’ve secured one hippocampus soul already. The plan is working. Just hold on.”

Holding on turned out to be literally what we needed to do, as the stern of the Friend of Heaven started to tug on the dozens of ropes securing it to the pirate ship. It was only a fraction of the size of Kulade’s ship, but that was enough to make the deck tilt alarmingly.

“Climb the railing!” said Markus. “We need to get to the topdeck!”

A screaming pirate fell off the side of the ship into the bloody ocean. He did not resurface.

“Try not to slip, I guess,” I said, running for the side of the ship. The deck continued to tilt, and in bare feet I wasn’t super happy about the rough texture on my soles, but adrenaline pushed me through. Markus and I lept for the railing just as the ship keeled onto its side, dropping some of the pirates into the carnivorous frenzy below. From this vantage point I could see Captain Erid climbing the ropes, with dozens of pilgrims behind her. They were out for blood.

“This day gets better and better,” I said as I hung over certain death. I’d always hated the monkey bars when I was a kid.

“Mm,” Markus grunted in agreement as he levered himself on to the side of the railing—which, relative to gravity, had now become the top.

Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on the original website.

“Just a few more minutes,” said the commander. “Can you handle it?”

“We’re hanging in there,” I said.

Markus groaned, reached down, and hauled me up with one arm. “Please don’t pun,” he said, setting me down on the railing in front of him. “You know it messes with the comms.”

“Or what, you’ll punish me?” I said with a smirk.

He glared. “We’ll put you on n̴̦̪̕o̷̫̚t̸̖͌͝ĭ̴̤ć̶̳̥e̴̪̙͒̀,” he said.

“Ow!” I said as my comm tried to shove multiple meanings into my brain at once. It was like being really itchy, except the itch was also a migraine and, uh, fluffy? But an unpleasant kind of fluffy. I can’t describe it. “Fine, I’ll stop!”

“Observe the damn translator protocols,” said the commander. “You know better, Lilith. No non-Velean puns. Both of you make your way to the back of the ship, it’ll give you more time.”

“The pilgrims are getting pretty close,” I said as we stepped carefully from rail to rail. “Man, they’re a motley bunch, but my money’s on them right now.”

Mostly because they, unlike the pirates, still had their weapons. The first of them had climbed onto the pirate ship proper, and they’d bared swords and gone for the pirates. Captain Erid was leading the fray. After hacking a man’s leg off, she looked up and happened to spot me. She pointed, shouted something.

“Aw fuck,” I said. “I think they want to kill us, Markus.”

“If only someone hadn’t spent the last three days making cryptic comments about pirates,” said Markus. Good thing Veleans thought on such long timescales, or they wouldn't put up with me nearly this much. We stepped it up; we were nearing the end of the ship.

“Commander?” I asked.

“Almost there.”

“That’s what you said last time!”

“It’s not, but whatever keeps you on your toes.”

“Thirteen seconds,” said Val. “I’ve got the last one in the dragnet.”

“Precise fucker,” I muttered. “Oh fuck. They’re cutting the ropes.”

“Underneath,” Markus said urgently. We both started to climb between the struts of the railing, just in time for the ship to lurch back toward the water. Markus and I both screamed—although in his case it was more of a roller coaster kind of thing—as we came within snapping distance of the killer gore slushie the ocean had become, then rocketed back. The ship’s motion stopped suddenly, tearing our grips off the railing and rolling us across the topdeck.

“That wasn’t normal physics,” Markus groaned.

“Let’s get the fuck out of here,” I agreed. We hauled ourselves to our feet, just in time for the sun to darken for a moment.

The angels had arrived.

“Ah, there we go,” said Val. “I knew I did the math correctly.”

“You are not helpful,” I subvocalized.

Five of them touched down in formation, black cloaks fluttering as they descended. The cloaks weren’t just black—they were the color of the midnight sky, an infinite empty void with what appeared to be true depth, like you could fall into them and find another universe, devoid of stars or planets or anything except endless time.

Captain Erid did not fall into the robes of the angel carrying her. Instead, it set her down as it landed. She flashed her remaining teeth at us as she drew a wickedly sharp-looking blade.

“Pray to Kives, eh?” she said, advancing on me. “Good advice, Idiot. Shame about the drobol, but what a lovely ship this is. Think I’ll call it the Fool’s Errand.”

“My treat,” I said, backing up slowly. “I see you’ve found my hat. Commander, get us the fuck out of here.”

“Oh, this was yours?” she said, touching the brim of my tricorn hat, resting snugly atop her messy curls. “Think I’ll keep it. Looks dashing on me, don’t you think?”

“Quite,” I said, eyeing the silent angels behind her. “Your new friends?”

“Saved us in our hour of need!” she chuckled. “Asked them to hold off until I got a piece of you.”

“Commander?” I subvocalized.

Erid continued advancing on us.

“I really don’t want to fight you,” I said, holding up my hands. “I mean, this all turned out pretty well for you. And I think you’re pretty cool for an old lady. There’s also the part where I don’t have a weapon. I’m not gonna pretend that’s not a big part of my reasoning.”

“Regrets, Idiot,” Erid replied. “I pay my debts.”

She stabbed; I rolled out of the way.

“Commander!” I shouted.

“Commander?” Erid asked, slashing at me while I frantically scrambled out of the way. “Your man over there? I’ll skewer him if he interferes.”

“Hold tight, Lilith, we’re coming.”

There was a dull roar from beneath the sea. The water churned, then bulged. The sleek, matte-iron shape of the Ragnar rose out of the charnel deeps, like an ancient alien artifact the protagonists accidentally woke up in a Hollywood movie. Erid’s jaw dropped. The angels did not draw their weapons—one moment their hands were empty, the next they were armed with silver blades that made my comm scream warnings at me. The port-side disrupter batteries began to hum as someone—probably Val—trained them on the topdeck.

Markus stepped into position in front of me.

“We’re leaving,” he told the angels. “You can face us another day. There are innocents on this ship. If we fight, there will be casualties.”

You are the Calamity, said the one that had carried Erid here. There will always be innocents. Always casualties.

I couldn’t see Markus’s face, but I could imagine him frowning at that. I could see Erid’s face, and she looked more scared than I thought was possible for her.

“But there don’t have to be any more today,” Markus said. “You’d know better than me.”

The angels held perfectly still for a moment that seemed to last forever. I prepared to activate my cloak.

No more are slain today, it replied at last. Go.

“No more are slain today,” Markus agreed.

Two harnesses dropped from the Ragnar, which Markus and I stepped into.

“Good to go, commander,” said Markus.

I saw Erid looking at me. On her face I saw confusion, rage, fear, and—strangest of all—pity. I don’t know what she saw on my face. I just felt tired. The adrenaline was fading.

I cracked half a rueful smile.

“Sorry,” I said. “If it helps, there’s a bounty on these fuckers back in Elsinat. Talk to the Oathkeepers.”

Erid didn’t seem to know how to respond to that.

Then we ascended. The harnesses jerked us back to the Ragnar, the shape of the Fool’s Errand slowly shrinking beneath us as the commander took us away.

*

“No, no, take it more left,” I said, a couple days later.

“There’s nothing there,” said Val. “We checked already.”

“You checked, like, part of it,” I said. “I’m telling you, it was over on the side.”

Val took one hand off the controls to rub his forehead. “And then it was violently impacted and deluged in seawater.”

“Couldn’t have gone that far,” I said, unconcerned. “Thing was super heavy, man.”

“I see the mysteries of rotational geometry continue to elude you,” said Val.

“That’s just rude, you know?” I said. Not even Val’s sniping could get me down right now. “Wait! Underneath the wardrobe!”

Val reoriented the remote mini-submarine, zooming the cameras in on the location I’d mentioned. “Is that the chest?”

“Hell yes! That’s it! Six hundred drobol! And do you know what that means?”

Val sighed. “What does that mean.”

“I’ve officially found sunken treasure!” I cheered. “That’s my whole pirate checklist!” I gave him a hug from behind.

He awkwardly patted my arm. “This is quite uncomfortable.”

“I love you too, Val,” I said, releasing him. “I’m gonna go find Markus and watch a pirate movie. See you later.”

“I suppose that means you won’t be assisting with the process of actually extracting the chest?”

“Nah,” I said. “I have piraty things to do. You weren’t there, man. You wouldn’t get it.”

I skipped happily out of the room, humming A Pirate’s Life for Me.