“Okay,” I begin with a sigh, “I’m gay.”

She looks at me and smiles angelically, then places her hand on my shoulder. “That’s wonderful, my child.”

I blink. “Excuse me?”

“I’ve noticed humans seem to give a lot of weight to homosexuality, but I want you to know that it’s completely normal for you to feel love for another woman, love is beautiful. I should know, I invented it.” She says that last part with a rather proud smile.

My gaze hopping from her perfect face to the hand she’s planted on my shoulder, I can’t help but groan at another failed attempt. “You’re God!” I exclaim, “Aren’t you supposed to hate gay people?”

God removes her hand from my shoulder and grabs her chest, looking genuinely hurt. “Dear me! Why on earth would I harbor any form of hatred for something so precious?”

I blink once more. Christians have a lot of explaining to do.

“Wait a minute,” God asks, “Are you trying to make me leave you again? You silly human, I’ve grown quite fond of you by now!” She swept her luscious blond hair behind her shoulder in motion so majestic it made me want to puke.

“That doesn’t make any kind of sense though, your followers have always hated homosexuality. It’s kinda their thing, maybe you should hate it as well and I don’t know...never bother me again?”

“That was a translation error, my child. What I was condemning were the cruel men who used to sleep with male children. And I don’t hate anyone, I love all my children.

Pedophiles or not.”

“I’m not sure if I’m more dissapointed in the fact that you’re still sticking to me like glue or that you just said you love pedophiles.”

God smiled playfully and placed her hands at her waist, looking quite comical if I’m being honest. Her attire was a far cry from the golden laced suit she had been wearing everyday for the past month or so. Yesterday I gave her an ahegao hoodie and a pair of jean shorts. Instead of feeling insulted at my very funny joke, the father (or I guess mother) of all creation seemed genuinely amused that she was wearing a hoodie littered with the faces of orgasming anime girls, and her smile widened every time we noticed another person staring at her. I don’t blame them though, her beauty and grace made the otherwise tacky getup seem almost royal, so much so that I was almost surprised some overzealous weeb hadn’t groped her from behind and acted surprised when she’d knee him in the balls instead of going “b-baka!”

Although now that I think about it, knowing her, she’d probably find that amusing as well.

“We’ve been together for a month,” God says, interrupting my revery, “I think it’s time you accepted we’re best friends forever.” She walks over to me and bumps my hips with hers, raising her eyebrows excitedly.

I place my hand on her face and push her away, “No we’re not.”

“Oh silly human,” She laughs, “You never fail to place a smile on my face. We should do that thing where we combine our names! I believe it’s called a boat-name?”

“Yes. That’s definitely what it’s called.”

“Cheers! It appears I’m getting accustomed to humanity faster than I thought!” She does a little dance.

Her words, not mine.

“Does this mean you’ll let me try weed, now?” She asks eagerly.

Pinching the bridge of my nose, I’m about to re-explain why I think giving her weed is a horrible idea when the demon I assumed I had knocked out moments ago began growling again.

We both turn towards the beast. God looks excited, while I hang my head backwards and groan once more. The blood red, humanoid monster gets to its feet, its single horn in the middle of his forehead and the claws on his hands and feet protruding even further. His drool drips down and soaks into his beard, which is a black so dark it almost looks like it’s a hole in his face. He has purple orbs in place of eyes and his jagged, moist skin makes mine crawl.

I’m reluctantly gripping the handle of the blade strapped to the back of my waist when I notice hat something is changing about the demon, it’s body is starting to glow.

Not so much his body, but rather the inside of his body, almost like when you see an active flashlight from underneath a blanket.

“Ooohhh,” God says, nodding her head in realization.

I wait for her to explain, then roll my eyes when I see she doesn’t realize I have no idea what the fuck is going on. “What’s happening to him?”

“Oh right!” She says, “This isn’t one of the base demons we’re used to, he has anti-divinity, clearly not enough for him to have a consciousness, but enough to have powers specific to him.”

“Wow that’s super interesting,” I lie, “How do we kill it?”

“Hmm...I’m not sure if Samson’s soul will be enough, but it couldn’t hurt to try.”

I’m about to tell her how wrong she is, when the demon does it for me. With a speed it didn’t have during our last tussle, it launches itself towards me and then its fist collides with my stomach. Said fist is blisteringly hot, and in the split second that we’re in physical contact, I feel my skin singeing ever so slightly.

Then the split second is over, and I’m sent flying across the math classroom, my flailing body swatting away desks and chairs in it’s path before I crash through the wall and find myself in a groaning heap in what I assume is the biology room, what with the dead frog’s foot squashed underneath my ass.

Scrambling to my feet, I unsheathe Uriel’s blade and it’s immediately coated in golden flames. Despite how dumb her face is, I say an en extremely silent “thank you” to God for sealing Samson’s soul in me all those weeks ago as the veins in my right arm bulge.

The demon launches itself at me again, but this time I’m prepared. With the strength of a seven-foot-tall brute, I swing my sword downwards unto it’s neck and send it dashing straight into the ground (unfortunately its skin is really fucking tough). The force of the impact shatters the floor panels and sends us flailing into the level that was previously beneath us.

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I land on my back with a thud and what must have been my 300th groan today.

“My chiiilld!” I hear a smooth voice cry. Wishing that maybe in the split second since I saw her, she had been replaced by a normal human being who I didn’t want toss out the window, I open my eyes to see God through the me-sized hole in my floor’s ceiling. “Are you okay?” She asks.

I flip her the bird.

“Oh phew, I mean I love healing your wounds and all, but this human body can only handle a select few of my powers and-”

Throughout her rant, my middle finger is still raised when the demon grabs my ankle and throws me upwards.

Face first, I crash through the ceiling of my current floor, and keep going until I slam into the ceiling of my former. Gravity finally remembers it’s job, and I tumble down into the arms of my maker, who gives me a warm smile.

“You look beautiful today, my child.”

“First of all, my name is Teni. Call me that. Second, drop me. Now.”

Then the stupid bitch actually drops me, and my ass just about hits the ground when I hear a growl from behind me and the demon crashes through the floor, tackling me from behind.

Together we tear through the biology classroom’s wall and end up back at the goddamn math room. God and I had snuck into this school for reasons entirely selfish and personal to me, and now I genuinely feel bad for whomever is going to have to pay for this mess.

Suddenly I’m aware that the skin of my back feels like it’s burning, so I elbow the demon’s head and roll away when it grunts and grabs its afflicted temple.

God pokes her head out into the new me-sized hole and cups her mouth, “It has the ability to heat up its blood, that’s why he’s glowing and burning you!”

“Thanks!”

She gives me a thumbs up and a determined smile, as if she’s actually being useful. “Anytime, partner.”

The demon scrambles to it’s feat, and I do the same, we stare each other down as I enter my battle stance. The flames adorning my sword glow even brighter, as I tense my leg muscles and leap upwards, twisting so that my feet land on the ceiling. Clenching my calves once more, I ricochet off of the roof and launch myself towards the demon, my blade pointed directly at it’s ugly-ass face.

I can’t help but grin slightly when the sword pierces the beast’s eye, and even God’s cheers in the background can’t sour my mood.

Until of course, the demon glows even brighter, and the my skin begins to redden just by being close to it.

It then proceeds to swing it’s head downwards, dragging it’s scorching horn across my stomach, leaving me with a substantial cut, and charred skin on my lower torso. My body dumps itself on the ground as my threshing hand unwittingly tosses the blade to the wayside.

The demon turned cyclops, seemingly proud of itself, kicks my stomach (where the fucking wound is) and my body is pushed backwards at a terrifying speed. Desks and chairs tumble over me like I’m a bowling ball before I slam into the wall so hard a clod of saliva unintentionally erupts from my throat and out of my mouth.

“Oh wow. He’s really strong!” God points out.

“Are you sure? Feels like things are going pretty smoothly to me.” I reply as I gradually get to my feet. I rest my back on the wall, clutching my wound, which is bleeding so fast it frightens me.

“Hmmm...perhaps the way we perceive the tides of battle differ on a fundamental level. Do you perchance have some kind of secret plan? Ah! If it was secret you wouldn’t tell me!” She winks. “I’m not dull, you know. I’m God after all.” She cups her mouth with her hands again. “Blink twice if you have a secret plan!” She whisper-yells.

I’m in far too much pain to be anything but honest by this point. “No, God. We’re screwed.”

She gasps.

“Does that mean...” She’s nearly about to explode in excitement.

I sigh for the umpteenth time this afternoon. “Yeah...” Another sigh, “...Teach me the prayer.” The words are heavy and it almost hurts to say them, but once they fall out of my mouth, I feel a sense of relief. Finally, a way out of this fight.

“Okay,” God says, looking somewhat serious as she closes her eyes, “Press your palms together and repeat after me.”

I stop leaning on the wall and clap my hands in prayer, taking a deep breath.

“Our father, who art in heaven,” She recites.

I open my mouth to follow suit, but the demon charges at me and I have to roll out of the way, causing my hands to separate.

“Shit!” I swear.

God continues like nothing had happened, “Grant me the flames of-”

“Wh-?! God! Don’t continue without me!”

She smiles mischievously, “Sorry, it’s just exciting to know that the prayers go to my son, not me!”

I shake my head at her foolishness, “Jesus Christ,”

“Exactly!”

The demon turns back to me, and I clap my hands once more. “Our father, who art in heaven, grant me the flames of...of what exactly?” It bolts towards me and lands a steaming-hot punch on my face.

Blood spurts from my nose and I can feel my skin burning as I’m pushed backwards with so much force the window I land on turns into a spiderweb of glass.

“What’s the fucking line?!” I yell, clapping my hands in prayer. I spot my sword laying on the ground and curse inwardly at it’s uselessness.

“Oh right, it’s-” The demon seems to remember it’s purpose and charges at the person who took it’s Halo. God takes a boxer’s stance, and as much as I’d love to watch the former angel mop the floor with her, I kinda need her to heal my wounds, so I tighten up my leg muscles and launch myself at the demon, who sees me coming and leaps backwards, dodging my attack by a hair’s breadth.

Landing in a crouch, I press my hands against each other and clench my jaw. “Okay, let’s try this again. What should I say?”

God says nothing.

“GOD?!”

“Sorry! I realized something, first of all you’re supposed to ask for the flames of the severance line, second, you already have Uriel’s blade, you don’t actually need to clap your hands in prayer to connect with heaven, the divinity of the artifact does it for you! Silly me!” She then rears her head back and laughs like she had told me the wrong date.

I blink. Then I look at her. Then at the demon. Then back at her.

With a nod of my head I step aside and gesture towards God, facing the demon. “She’s all yours.” I proclaim.

The beast growls and leaps towards her, while the glorified trash bag runs in the opposite direction, climbing through the hole in the wall. Her eyebrows were unfeignedly quirked in confusion like she had done nothing wrong.

Deciding I still need her to heal my wounds, I spot my blade lying on the floor a few meters from me. The veins in my legs bulge as I leap towards it. My body turning in a parabola-like path, I grab the sword and quickly clinch my leg muscles once more, summoning all of the power and technique I could from the warrior’s soul residing within me.

Through clenched teeth, I focus on the blade held firmly in my hand, and concentrate on the warmth it courses through my veins. Then I open my eyes, and a shock-wave of glory emanates from every pore in my body. My smoldered clothes flap in it’s wake and my gaze zeroes in on the demon, who had just passed through the hole.

Time seems to slow down as I clench my jaw even harder. “Our father,”

I release the tension in my legs and I’m thrust forward, the resonance sounding like the clapping of thunder. “Who art in heaven,”

The demon notices me flying towards it and turns, but it’s too late, I raise Uriel’s blade, “Grant me the flames,”

I squeeze my eyes shut, because I’m sure to the core of my soul where my blade is going to land and because the flames it’s enveloped in are far too bright by this point.

“OF THE SEVERANCE LINE!” I bellow at the top of my lungs, as my sword is dropped from the starting line of its arc and slices the demon clean in half, from the tip of it’s horn to the point where its legs meet. A literal line, composed purely of distinctly warm, gloriously golden flames forms with the movement of my sword and keeps going long after the arc has been completed. Stretching all the way through the roof of the actual school building, and down into it’s basement.

The feeling that weighs down my chest is one I’ve never experienced in my life. I assume this is what it felt like for David to slay Goliath or for Moses to part the Red Sea (assuming those things actually happened). It’s a feeling so undescribable the only word that seems to do it justice is, divine.

Unfortunately for me, I can’t stop my momentum, so I fly through the severed demon and the dying line of flames, and crash into God. As a unit, we roll on the ground unceremoniously, stopping only when we hit the legs of the teacher’s desk.

With a tired sigh, I open my eyes too see my maker staring at me with stars in her eyes.

“Congratulations!” She says, “You’ve made your first step in mastering discipleship, you’re basically a saint!” She pecks me on the forehead, and perhaps it’s the rush of adrenaline I always get after a fight or a race, but I find myself in a surprisingly good mood.

“Hell yeah!” I roar

“Hell yeah!’ She roars in tandem, and I can tell from the upward tilt of her smile that she feels naughty for saying “hell.”

Then the rush leaves and the impact of a bleeding torso and burned skin hits me like a freighter.

My smile dies and I pick up my sword. “Now get the hell of me and get to healing before I stick this up your ass, God.”