“Gods care not for what souls they bring into the realms they own; all are judged, and all are given to their rewards. In one way or another, be it good or bad, most don't even bother to manage them; they just let a set of rules guide the path of the soul, Though there are those rare few souls who must be handled with care or moved along from time to time personally .” Canus
Those first words spoken to a being far older and more powerful than me were likely not the best. If the reaction of the man in front of me was anything to go by. His face, which had at first been angry, sad, and scared for some reason all at once, then changed to a more resolute and determined expression.
But I honestly expected that even here, words would not be possible to come out of my mouth after all that time in the lineup. An eternity had passed, and I had grown used to speaking without thought or expecting words and sounds to to come out. It helped keep my mind sane even though all my words were internal thoughts in that place.
“Well, for you, child, I AM GOD, and I am sorry, but I cannot let you into my heavenly realm.”
He spoke back rather strongly, with a weight to the words I had never experienced before. It was a strange yet very unsettling experience, for I felt his words when he spoke, not just with the sound but in a deep part of my core.
Hearing those words led me to finally realize where I was and that before me was very likely THEE GOD, the preacher of peace, love, and forgiveness, creator of all and the biggest all-encompassing religion of my world. I realized finally at that moment, without a shadow of a doubt, that I was dead. For some reason, it was a relief to know but also saddening to know my life wasn't in some weird sci-fi fantasy or drug-induced vision.
“So that means to hell then. Could I at least be able just to leave a message for my family if they are waiting? I am willing and will not fight you on such a judgment.” Somewhat accepting this fate, I was no saint but had thought I wouldn’t have been one to go to hell. Still, though it would likely be painful, it would at least be something compared to being in that lineup again.
“No, I will not be sending you there. I think you don’t get it yet. You are not allowed into my realm in either heaven or hell; you are not allowed into my realm at all, child,” Replied the god of my world, the one who professes peace and forgiveness of all.
When I heard those words from the god, my legs gave out, and my body fell on the ground from shock, as I now knew for sure I was dead, but for some reason, I was not to be allowed to have an afterlife. It was a little too much. After the god said those words, he just turned around and started walking away, leaving me there.
“Wait, Please, what's to happen to me? What about my wife and my family? Are they safe? Is there no way I can enter it at all? I would be fine with going to hell, please, just not to that place again,” I screamed out loud as he walked away. Just wanting to know that even though their names and faces were gone, I just needed to know they were safe and not in some hell like I had experienced. If I had to be separated from them and go to hell at least one day, we might have been able to meet again.
GOD Stopped for just a moment, looked back, and then continued walking away from me as everything started to drift away like smoke. But in the moments before it was all gone, the words I heard from him brought some relief to me yet also brought the greatest sorrow I had ever felt, even compared to not knowing their names or faces.
“I’m sorry, child, there is no way at all I can let you enter my realm or even return to reincarnate on earth. Your path will likely be long and lonely for a very long time. So I will at least let you know even though I see you do not know the names or faces of your family. They are with me, whether on earth or in heaven and hell. They are safe, at least.” God spoke, yet the firmness of his words was still there.
“However, for what you have and will continue to experience, know at least they will not suffer as you will. Even if they are in or go to either heaven or hell, it is always only for a time, and they will all enter the cycle of life again. Your wife and family, for what you will experience going forward. I will try to ease them and speed them along the cycles, letting them know not to wait.” he spoke with great gentleness to me that brought what I could only imagine was my soul to a place of peace in my core.
“Thanks”
“ But you need to accept a harsh truth on this journey. You are now going on my child. You will never see them again. They are part of my realm as you once were and will stay part of it. “ GOD said firmly.
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“So there is no chance at all to see them again, no way to leave them a message at least?” I begged one last time.
“Yes, there is none. Now it is time for you to go. May we never meet again, and may you find rest somewhere peaceful.”
As GOD spoke those last words in almost a whisper everything disappeared and went from a large cloudy land with a golden gate to the line up and its changing lands again. I knew then that nothing going forward would hurt more than that moment of realization.
The friends and family I had lived with for a lifetime. Knowing they would never be seen again, even in another life in some way. It was wrong of me and not right, but I cursed GOD for that. He denied me even going to hell and the words he used to try and bring some relief. Even though they did, they also caused me, in my eyes, a hell worse than any he could have sent me to.
It was a long time spent in that lineup before I could think of other things or do anything. I even learned a soul could not cry in this place, too. All the time spent moping about what was lost, even then the line and lands it all moved along in its endless cycle of lands changing and us souls just stepping forward each time.
Time continued to pass that time in the line without it being noticed and then suddenly, another place, both dark and light, was before me. A man with black hair and a suit of armour was sitting on a stone throne in a chamber filled with marble of dark greys and whites and pillars of marble with pedestals of blue fire burning in them. He had a three headed dog sitting beside him and was petting it.
Before I could speak, all the god said to me before sending me away was.
“I am Hades, and I see GOD has denied you. I am sorry, young soul, even our pantheon can not let you in. Now it is time to go, young one. You are not welcome even in our realm.” With a wave of his hand, everything changed instantly, and I returned to the lineup to wait again.
“What the fuck was that.”The shock of such a quick meeting brought me out of my funk.
Meeting a god and then being dismissed so fast was crazy. At least GOD had told me he would care for my family, yet Hades had just gone and done the proverbial Hi now. Bye, now trick.
“Noting to be done about it, I guess, back to the waiting again.” As time passed, I grew back into that funk, but this time, I also started to relive my life again and again. It was all I could do in this place anyway if I did not want to interfere with the energy keeping me sane here. Other than that, all I could do was look upon the various races and creatures and out onto the changing lands,
The hardest part of this place was experiencing the time that passed. Sometimes, it moved faster than I thought; other times, it all felt like a year or thousands of years had passed. The hardest one was when it felt like all of eternity had passed. Despite all my internal anguish for what I had lost and been denied, I grew to celebrate the moments of taking a step forward here. It continued on and on like this endlessly.
With all that time, the pain of loss of both finding out I am dead and being denied an afterlife, along with the loss of the faces and names of loved ones, became not less. But it was something I grew accustomed to. It still hurt, but it was something I knew at some point would never be able to break me.
“I will not forget, I will not lose what little I have of you all, and I will not let this place break me.” It was a promise to myself and those I could remember but not honestly know. I would endure and find peace somewhere, knowing it was what my parents, kids, and my wife would have wanted. They would not want to become broken a broken husk like the other souls here who had no thought or anything really in them.
When that decision and vow to them was made, the lands suddenly changed again as the line moved. This time, a goddess stood before me for some reason, looking like a cat woman with long black hair, black furry clawed hands, tail and ears.
Standing before her in a desert at night, she looked at me with a hint of sadness and firmness in her eyes and spoke.
I am Bastet. The gods of Egypt charged me with dealing with you, though I am a goddess of fertility and felines. I can not let you enter our realm. I am sorry, young one, now it's time to leave. I can not bring you to any cycle of reincarnation. The others have forbidden my help to you.” she spoke, and then I was back in the line again.
More gods came and went. They were either the main god of the realm or usually the keeper of the pantheon’s cycle of death. Occasionally, it wouldn't be a lord of death or the main god. Sometimes, the god or goddess of reincarnation or fertility would meet me. Hel and Buddha, a Japanese Kitsune and Inzanami, the Morrigan, Vishnu. So many times that counting how many meetings became something to do, I would enter a realm where the god would instantly reject me, and then it was back to the changing land and lineup to wait and do it again.
This was how I discovered a new cycle that would repeat over 100 times. I would go from an eternal line of constant waiting. Then, to a quick but short meeting with a god who sometimes would say a few words that were all basically the same but slightly different versions of “you are not allowed into my realm.” To then just send me away as soon I met them.
Over 100 times, I was told no, you cannot come into my realm.