“And that’s how you make, a perfect risotto,” I say as I walk away from the glaring lights, and off of the set. I abandon reviewing the recording for later, and I step outside, slowly wrenching my phone out of the confines of my jeans pockets. The sounds of urban night-life fill my ears, bringing me some semblance of peace, and ending my persona of being a stuck-up, shit-fucking cunt. From shedding my television persona, I turn into a surprisingly nice guy with four smart, amazing kids, and an incredibly beautiful and loving wife. A lot of people also seem to think I’m quite unintelligent as well. I have a degree in hotel management, I also have operated a whole host of successful restaurants, proven by the fact that I currently have 16 Michelin Stars.
After playing around on my phone for a bit, I start to head back inside to the studio. As I’m about to head into the doorway I feel this indescribable pain. My head, with almost no intervention from me, drifts down and looks towards my stomach, a silver, gleaming piece of metal juts out, stained crimson. “I hope you like that, you fucking cocksucker!” yells the unknown attacker, cackling madly while he rotates the knife, making sure to turn the wound from something potentially fatal, to very fatal.
“Normally, I’d scream while someone is trying to attack me, but instead I’ll give you a lesson on -oof how to swear eloquently.Try to vary your words, instead of c-calling me a fucking cocksucker, try instead calling me, a shitfucking, cock guzzling, son of a whore. Allow me to retaliate to this, you cock-ogling shit-guzzling dick sucking son of a-”
Blackness envelops my vision, eventually consuming what I perceive as the entirety of the universe. My comprehension of what I assumed death to be does not apply here, it was quick, and unforgiving. What I perceived that was milliseconds worth of time, may have been instantaneous or dragged on over hours. All I know is I eventually stopped feeling anything, and eventually woke up in a bright white room. The pure beauty and impurity of this white speaks enough to deserve its own book, instead of a sentence in my mind. I sit up, if up is even an applicable term here, and stare into one of the most beautiful scenes I have had ever laid my eyes upon. The words I could use to describe this do not even exist, but I’ll try to describe it.
“This is the most mind bogglingly, cunt shatteringly, orgasm causing-ly beautiful scene I have ever laid my eyes upon” I say, my eyes full of wonderment.
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“Thanks for describing my realm like that, Rordon Gamsay” an unknown voice speak from behind me. I twist my head to the sound of the voice, my body follows suit.
“I am what you may describe as, ‘God’, although I really just call myself Jim.” says the seemingly omnipotent being, which calls itself “Jim”.
“Hello, Jim. I’m going to skip past all the wonderment, and assume that I have died, and I am currently in heaven. Have I assumed correctly?”
“That assumption would be correct, Rordon. Do you mind if I take the initiative to call you Rordon?”
“Feel free,” I say. “So where are all the people? I’d assume that if this is heaven, there are many others here.”
“Well, all people do come to ‘heaven’ as you call it,” Jim explains. “But they have a choice of being reincarnated into a world of their choosing under my domain, or just disappearing. All people go to heaven, but I do send the people who are particular cunts to a hell like world. Or I reincarnate them into demons into an RPG like world.”
“Well that sounds like a good time. Tell me more about this RPG world.”
“Sure, Rordon. This RPG like world is pretty much as you think. Sword and magic are thrown about, stats do exist and are shown in windows. If you choose to reincarnate, you can ask for a specific ability when you do. However in your case, you may as well just be reincarnated as a god purely because out of all the people I’ve watched on your planet, you are the one I’d choose to be a god.” Jim elaborates.
“Well, I have always wanted to play god, so when you say I would be a god, what pray tell do you have in mind?”
“Basically, you will have all the skills, infinite health, mana, skill points, all that shit. You also have a special ability called ‘God of Gods’ which basically lets you sculpt the world to your liking whenever you want.”
“Anything particular you want me to do?”
“I don’t really care what you do, as long as you can provide some entertainment for me. Feel free to fuck around to your heart’s content in this world, Rordon. If you want, feel free to wander across the world as a chef, I’m sure you’d enjoy it.”
“Sounds like a fun time, but I just want to ask, what will happen to my wife and kids on the world I am from?”
“Well, they would know you are dead, but I will grant them all immensely happy lives, and they will remember you fondly.”
“Well, that sounds good enough to me, feel free to toss me in the world then Jim.”
“Alright Rordon, I’m going to open up the door to the new world to you now. Keep in mind, I will contact you every so often. Have fun!”
And with that last sentence from Jim, I walked through the door and into my new life.