I was in a dream, yet I was awake, and I watched scenes before my eyes as if they were a journey away. I was mere passenger, with body as vessel, tossed within woeful abyss itself. My memories of the next moments were fragmented, tiny blinks of existence, but experiences that did not feel like my own.

I remembered being pulled upward by Aixel, tugged first by the arms, but when I did not move, he resorted to throwing me over his shoulder. He was shouting something about Milea but I did not remember his exact words.

Everything around me was calamity. Everything around me was vile and sorrowful and hopeless. I could hear nothing but a sharp ringing noise, muffling all around me and pulling me both further inside of myself, and away from all senses. I watched the ground pass underneath Aixel’s running feet, and saw still faces of friends and harpies and people whose names I had only learned in the early morning hours as we stood before the golden fields, waiting for the unknown.

The bitter smell of death and voided magic, burnt and hollow surrounded me, blinding me until I saw no more.

But that was all. That was everything I could recall before I awoke in the warm cot, covered in heavy blankets, with eyes more sore and burning than they had ever been before.

I had experienced loss in my life, but nothing that mattered as much as this.

As much as Ciro.

The stew looked warm, filling, dark red and filled to the wooden bowl’s rim with vegetables I did not know the name of. Yet, despite the splendid spices surrounding me, covering me like a blanket, I did not seem to have the strength to lift the spoon to my mouth.

Milea sat beside me at the small wooden table, slowly taking bites, and I felt her eyes burning into me, though I could not look back to meet them. Aixel was in front of me, gorging on the meal, while Doris slept in a small paper box beside his bowl, softly snoring under the tiny tea cloth blanket.

Ciro’s seat remained empty to my left.

His halberd leaned against the wall in the corner of the room, glimmering against the firelight where Milea had placed it the night before. Or maybe it was two nights before. Or three. I seemed to have forgotten to keep track.

“Mira, you need to eat.”

It was Milea, still staring into the side of my face.

“Just eat,” said Aixel through a mouth full of food.

I looked up at him.

He looked different today, I wasn’t sure why.

“Don’t tell her what to do,” retorted Milea, “Also, thank you for finally taking a bath. I thought I was going to lose my appetite.”

Aixel gave her a look, then put a loose piece of his long red hair behind his ear.

“You should put it back more often, it’s nice to finally see your face,” smiled Milea.

Aixel then shot upward, pushing his chair scuttering across the stone floor.

“I’m going to sleep in the catacombs,” he said as he threw his spoon back into his now empty bowl.

“There’s no dessert in the catacombs.”

Aixel slowly put Doris’ box back down and slumped into his chair in defeat.

A quiet moment passed as I listened to Milea continue eating her meal and the little Doris snores.

“Why don’t you care?”

It was my voice, yet it felt like it didn’t come from me. It sounded strange, distorted. I could not remember the last time I had spoken. I looked down at the stew, watching as a matte film began to form at its surface.

I heard Milea put her spoon back into the bowl, and the wooden chair squeaked as she leaned back. I slowly turned to see that she was looking at me, brow low in concern as her arms crossed tight across her chest.

“Sorry,” I muttered, now embarrassed.

“I care. Of course I care,” she said, clearing her throat as she leaned forward, her voice softer than I anticipated, “But Mira, I have mourned Ciro for longer than you have been alive. And he died…” she straightened, “...he died in battle, after slaying hundreds of our enemies. He wouldn’t want to have gone any other way - taking out a griffin riding Selphene general. Gods, what would I give to go out like that.”

She was smiling now, staring at the weapon in the corner.

“So get it together, straighten your back, and enjoy this plentiful meal we have before us. We barely made it out of there alive. If it weren’t for the fae, we wouldn’t be sitting here now - and judging by their losses, I doubt that they’ll be eager to fight on our side once more. But we did it. We held them back and pushed their armies out of the west border. So let us rest and take our time to enjoy this victory, no matter how solemn. Those we lost on that field did not die to be mourned, they fought until their last breath for the safety of the underground and the sanctuary that our Barrens. And in this, they are victorious with us,” she beamed, but when her eyes caught mine again, she paused, smile dropping.

Suddenly, her hands grabbed the side of my face, staring into my eyes as she pulled me to her. I tried to pull away in surprise, but she held my face firm, staring into it intensely.

“Your eyes,” she whispered.

“I… the gold… It’s from Lumo’s magic…” I stammered, looking away, surprised she hadn’t yet noticed it.

“No… not the gold… the black. Why is there black?”

She let go of my face and shot a look at Aixel, who was now slowly chewing a mouth full of my bowl, having snuck it away from me during Milea’s speech. His eyes widened in surprise.

“Aixel,” she seethed.

He swallowed, then shook his head.

“She said she wanted to learn,” he said, looking away.

“You taught her void magic?” she stood, holding the top of her head and began to pace around the small room.

I tried to meet his eyes, confused, but he would not look at me.

“Aixel… I… what were you thinking?” she signed, eyes pained as she looked to the low ceiling.

“What… what’s wrong?” I whispered.

She closed her eyes tight, then placed her hands on the top of her chair, leaning forward.

“Void magic… Void magic is very complicated, Mira. And it takes… It takes a toll on those who use it… especially those not born with its… gift,”said Milea, carefully choosing her words.

Aixel remained quiet, eyes burning into the table.

“Gods, Aixel, do you remember when you first corrupted someone? Do you remember the state you were in? Aixel… look at me.”

Aixel slowly turned to Milea, lips pressed tight together and jaw tight.

“She’s fine,” he said, softly.

Milea ignored him, turning towards me.

“Mira - are you okay? How is your magic?”

“It’s fine… I think it’s fine,” I answered.

Milea sighed.

“Void magic, as useful as it might be… is extremely dangerous under untrained hands. It can distort your magic permanently… warping your thoughts, your motives. Blood mages are especially vulnerable to its effects.

“Gods, I would train all of our soldiers in void magic if I could - but you can’t… you just can’t. I’ve seen many who have tried and have gone mad, wandering the Barrens until the corruption finally takes them, and they turn into void beasts. Then there are those who can’t stop once they’ve gotten a taste of corrupted magic. The release of pain pushing them to do it again and again. It ruins people. Ruins them.”

“Mira already corrupted someone during the fight, and she’s fine,” said Aixel quietly.

Milea turned to me, then took a slow, pained breath.

“Is this true?” she asked.

I nodded, looking down.

“And how was it?”

“It was… strange. I was angry. I wanted him to suffer… I… It felt freeing, but… when I was done… when he was gone… I felt so empty. And scared.”

I looked back at Milea. She looked defeated.

“And would you do it again?” she asked.

“I… I don’t think so. I don’t know.”

“See? She’s fine,” said Aixel. “She sounds perfectly lucid to me.”

“Right,” sighed Milea. She then shook her head before quietly muttering, “Lumo is going to kill you.”

Lumo.

Aixel shook his head, annoyed now.

“Lumo? Why would that matter?” he laughed, “Especially now, Gods.”

“Especially now? What does that mean?” said Milea.

Aixel looked at me, confused.

“You didn’t tell her? Your dream?”

“No… I… I didn’t tell her.”

“Your dream?” said Milea, sitting now and scooting her chair towards me and turning me to face her. “Tell me Mira, please.”

I told her everything I could remember. The beach, the mirror, even down to the guest’s outfits. She listened intensely, concentrated in thought until my very last word.

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She was then quiet, then she stood again, pacing slowly around the small room.

“You need to leave.”

“What?” said Aixel, mirroring my thoughts.

“I’m not sure how she found you, but she did… She should not be able to enter here - there’s no magic… Gods…” she cursed, “We need to get you out of here. You can’t be in the underground if she can find you… Especially now… We can’t take another attack. We need to recover.”

She took a slow breath, trying to calm herself.

My mind raced.

No…

“I don’t want to leave… I… I…”

Milea circled around the table then crouched in front of me. She put her hands over mine. I was shaking.

“Mira, we need to get you out of the underground,” she said softly, trying to meet my eyes.

“Please, Milea…” I whispered.

“It’s okay… There’s another camp of blood mages in the south. It’s a few days ride from here. But they can take you in.”

My heart started to beat faster, then faster, and I found it harder to catch my breath as the panic started to take over.

“Right…now?”

Milea took a breath.

“No… Not right now… You can stay here tonight. But by first light, you will have to leave. I would take you myself but I… I can’t leave the underground.”

“By… myself? I… I can’t,” I stammered.

Milea closed her eyes then squeezed my hands.

I found it hard to look back at her.

She then stood.

“Aixel, tomorrow morning, you will escort Mira through the hollow pass to the southern camp,” said Milea, voice suddenly firm.

I looked up at Aixel, who was staring silently back at Milea.

“No… I can’t,” he said, voice soft.

“It’s an order,” she said, before she turned to the door. But just as she was about to cross the archway, she raised a hand to the door frame and stopped.

“You introduce this poor girl to void magic and you’re okay to let her leave on her own? You should have offered to take her as soon as I said she had to leave. I…” she said, voice strangely timid.

Aixel stood.

“I’m sorry ma’am. I’ll take her tomorrow,” said Aixel, eyes low as he bowed his head. “First light.”

* - -

I could not sleep.

I spent what must have been several hours, tossing and turning beneath the heavy blanket. It was difficult to tell just how much time had passed in the dark of the underground, but after staring at the dancing flames on the ceiling until they turned dull red, I needed to do something different.

I slipped out of the cot, stepping into the well-worn boots I had been lent, and stood, careful to not wake the sleeping Milea. I felt like I was suffocating in the small room. And although I felt exhausted, sleep did not arrive.

I needed fresh air.

The underground was strange at night, with only a few of the magicked lamps lighting the tight halls and cramped shops. The once crowded streets were relatively empty, with only a few bundled blood mages making their way through beside me. Perhaps they could not sleep either.

I passed the root seller’s stall, now covered in canvas blankets. The once filled displays were now empty, contents donated to those who survived the golden fields. She must have been here for quite some time, judging by the layers of boarded wood and hasty nailed repairs that constructed the small space.

Was this the end that she desired?

Did she want a warrior’s death, like Ciro?

Why did I not find joy in my own survival?

After some time, I found my way to the small door that Ciro and I entered when we first arrived at the underground. There were several hidden entrances and exits to the odd little town, but for some reason, tonight I was drawn to this door in particular.

When I pushed on the old knotted wood, I was surprised to see that the door moved without resistance, and I saw the dark black beyond, a musty dirt smell filled my lungs. I made my way into the darkness and up the crooked stairs without hesitation.

It was dark outside, and the water that once flooded the pathway was dry now, pulled away by the moon. The swamp floor was now covered in a carpet of moss and the air was still thickly humid, even in the dark of night. Insect noises and croaking frogs surrounded me, though a dulled symphony in the fall season, as I took careful steps forward, guided by the streaming moonlight making its way through the knotted branches above.

I found a mossy area against a tree to sit, leaning back and taking a deep breath, trying to relax.

That is when I began to cry.

It was too much.

There was no more Lumo - a golden possibility, friend and future taken away.

There was no more Ciro - the only constant figure I had out here in the Barrens.

There was Milea, and although she seemed to care about me to some extent, she was quite eager for me to leave once she found out about Herculea finding me. I did not blame her though, if the entire underground was left vulnerable with my presence.

Then there was Aixel.

He was in front of me, in the distance, staring from between the trees, red hair even recognisable under my blurry tear-filled vision. I pretended not to notice him, and wished he was not there.

I wanted to be alone in this grief. I wanted to lament with only the trees to listen, free to let my tears fall without any such judgment. I did not want a sympathetic ear or to be pitied. I just wanted to cry in peace.

But, alas, he of course could not read my thoughts, and I watched as he slowly made his way through the thick brush towards me. But once he reached the small clearing where I sat, he froze.

His white linen shirt was clean for once, and became a beacon of light even in the dim moon rays. His dark trousers were rolled up, exposing his pale bare feet. His red hair was still tied back low behind him, exposing his odd features. His face was long, with thin lips and his signature blackened eyes. His nose was slightly crooked, perhaps broken in his youth, and his straight dark brows were almost always furrowed. But there, beneath the often reckless and headstrong personality was a strange shadow of vulnerability, often like that of a lost child.

Even now, as he stood before me, he seemed almost timid.

“Do you want me to get Milea?” he asked, voice softer than usual.

I shook my head, drying my tears with my dressing gown sleeve as I tried to swallow the next onslaught of weeping. I took a slow shaking breath, frustrated at myself for not being able to calm down faster. I did not want to be seen like this.

Aixel crouched to my level, still keeping his distance at the edge of the clearing. He was quietly watching me, concerned but obvious in his discomfort.

“You don’t have to stay,” I said, trying to keep my voice steady.

Aixel shrugged and shook his head.

“I’m not usually a mess… you just seem to find me every time I am,” I let out an awkward chuckle.

He was quiet still, picking at things on the ground idly.

“Where’s Doris?” I asked.

He looked up, expression brightening.

“Oh, she’s out exploring. Looking for something to eat.”

“Ah…”

Another awkward moment passed, and I listened to the singing insects around me as my vision finally cleared.

“Are you lost? Do you want me to walk you back?” Aixel asked suddenly.

I shook my head and looked up, trying to find peace in the distant stars. The last thing I wanted was to go back to the claustrophobic room.

Aixel then crawled forward, sitting beside me, and joined me in looking at the stars through the thick branches above.

“There’s a much better view from the fields. Especially on nights like tonight. No clouds in the sky,” he said as he crossed his arms.

I nodded.

It was strange being this close to him. Although it was not too long ago that we sat together in the catacombs, this time felt different. He smelled of burnt cedar and pine sap, and when his arm brushed against mine, I felt strangely awkward for the first time.

“I’m sorry,” he suddenly said, eyes still looking up and away from me.

“What for?”

“Teaching you void magic. It was dumb and I should have said no.”

I shook my head.

“I asked. No need to apologize.”

“Sure. But you didn’t know what it meant… And I did. I… I think I wanted you to suffer.”

I turned to him, frowning.

“What are you talking about?”

Aixel sighed, sitting up but still avoiding my eyes.

“You were a Midlander… Afforded every privilege and knew no true hardship. You had the armor, the weapon, one of the greatest blood mages as protector, all without lifting a finger. Gods, I resented you.”

I stayed quiet as he spoke of all the things I had already assumed, yet it didn’t make them any less painful to hear.

“I wanted you to feel just a sliver of my pain. And I wanted you to carry it with you though your little vacation through my homeland… I didn’t expect you to pick the corruption so easily,” he shook his head, “And when you continued into that night dwelling in the pain and destroying your own magic, I should have known… I should have stopped you then… So for that, I am sorry.”

I was quiet, searching for the right words.

“It’s okay, I don’t think I’ll ever do it again if it’s any consolation.”

“You will. You will do it again,” he said quietly.

I shook my head.

“There will be another time… you’ll feel angry and powerless, and you’ll want to purge all of those feelings and make them suffer as you have. You say that now, but in the moment, using void magic will become much harder to resist. It’ll only get worse.”

“No… there was a choice. Even in that moment, there was a choice,” I said, now defensive.

“And what choice did you make?” he asked, already knowing the answer.

I looked down, ashamed.

Another moment of quiet passed and I once again succumbed to my melancholy. But I no longer wanted to be alone to decay in my misery. I wanted to be touched, to be held and comforted. I wanted to take me in their arms and be told that it was going to be okay, that the Fates had a plan and that this all had some greater meaning.

I felt my stomach began to twist once more and my throat begin to tighten, and I sat back, letting my head rest on Aixel’s shoulder. His arms will still crossed tight over his chest. I raised my hand and lightly touched the black tip of his finger where I voided his magic, still visible even in the dim light.

His body suddenly tensed, frozen and awkward.

“Don’t do that.”

I pulled away, embarrassed.

“Sorry,” I whispered.

He was quiet for a moment, picking at things on the ground once more and breaking tiny twigs with his long fingers.

“I know you’re sad and everything, I am too - but please don’t do things like that. It gives the wrong impression.”

“And what impression is that?”

He exhaled, shaking his head. He then suddenly stood, dusting himself off. His eyes wouldn’t meet mine.

“I’m going to go find Doris.”

“Doris is fine, I’m sure. Please -”

But he had already started to walk away.

“Please don’t leave me alone,” I almost choked on the words, yet they came out anyway.

Aixel froze.

“You can’t just pretend to like me when you’re sad. It’s not fair,” he said softly, back still turned away.

“That’s not true - I -”

He turned towards me.

“Stop. Even now, you don’t see me... Not that I’d expect you to. But don’t say things you don’t mean.”

It was quiet, and Aixel stood, face serious and sad as he looked down at me from across the clearing.

Aixel then crouched, slowly crawling forward, almost animalistic until he was a breath away from me, hands on either side of my body, and voided eyes staring, searching my face. I held my breath, backing up against the tree, mind and heart racing in tandem.

“Mira,” he whispered, “I can show you so many things…”

He placed his thumb softly on my bottom lip.

“But even now you look at me through someone else’s eyes. So please don’t lie to me.”

I turned away from him and he lowered his hand.

“But if you want to forget,” he continued, “I can maybe help with that.”

I breathed, gathering myself before I turned once more to him. His face remained soft, waiting patiently for my answer.

“I… I just don’t want to feel anything right now,” I said, voice shaking.

He smiled softly, then leaned back and bit his lip in thought.

“Right, right… Perhaps we can help each other then? To take our mind off things?”

I looked up at him, dissecting his words. He leaned forward once more.

“... Just for tonight, we can play pretend. Can you promise me something though?” he coaxed.

“What?” I breathed.

“Promise me that you won’t regret this, even if it’s only just this once. Even if we never speak of this night again.”

I nodded.

“Okay.”

Aixel leaned forward, long hair brushing against my cheek, gently pulling at my bottom lip with his thumb, and kissed me.