“GAAAAAAAAAH?!”

The sound exiting Aksel’s mouth could have been mistaken for a goblin’s death rattle. While there was much he wanted to say in his current predicament, his human vocabulary would have to remain on back order until he wasn’t being choked by his own shirt collar.

“Stop ignoring me, you stupid psycho! I’M TRYING TO ROB YOU!” A rather young, feminine voice screamed from behind him, frustration oozing from her every word.

Hold on, am I being mugged right now? Where did you even come from!? Aksel’s thoughts exploded in his mind, a bewildered confusion that mirrored the chaos of the moment.

Just a short while ago, he had been lost in his favourite daydream while mindlessly traversing the desolate domain he had long called his home—a place of endless grassy fields, dense forests, and overgrown craters beyond counting. In other words, Aksel was in the midst of traveling through the lands commonly found between the words “No” and “Where”, making the presence of such a choke-happy bandit all the more baffling.

With a final, climactic heave, Aksel was swept off his feet, careening backwards before he could recover his footing. However, this fleeting victory his robber had achieved was short-lived as Aksel collided headlong into them on his way down, sending the both of them tumbling towards the unforgiving ground. To any outside observer—of whom, thankfully, there were none—the spectacle resembled less of a robbery and more a case of two drunken revellers horsing around with one another.

Bracing himself, Aksel expected to be decorating the cobbles in his homemade red paint, but anticipated his hard landing never materialised. Instead, he found himself crashing into a far more forgiving surface. Compounding this surprising revelation were the partially clothed thighs that sprang up around his face, enveloping him in their remarkably soft texture. A hand burrowed down past his head to shield the area he had seemingly crushed under his skull. Aksel now found himself in a peculiar situation, immersed in a sanctuary of warmth and comfort in place of the imminent pain he had anticipated, leaving him more bewildered than when he started.

His landing had been cushioned by the groin of the person—correction, the groin of the woman—robbing him. Unfortunately, her lack of male anatomy meant his accidental headbutt didn’t score an instant critical on his opponent, but he’d have to work with what he had.

She’s going to be mad at me, isn’t she? Aksel thought, resigned to his situation.

Slowly, the thighs around Aksel’s head released him from their soft embrace as the woman rocked her body from left to right, the sound of pained air hissing from her mouth. Seizing his chance to escape, Aksel wasted no time in clambering to his feet, earning himself a full view of the situation.

Sure enough, his would-be mugger was a brazenly underdressed young woman, around eighteen to Aksel’s eye, about his own age. She had long ginger hair cascading down her back, with a portion tied into a side tail that brushed against her shoulder. A pair of golden eyes were stretched wide in self-inflicted agony, mirroring the quiet “AHHHHHH” hissing from her mouth. Not only was she absent of any form of armour, but even common clothing seemed to have eluded her. Instead, she wore nothing but a leather bra that featured only a single strap across her left shoulder, a pair of matching hiking boots, a small travel pack on her waist, and topped off with a pair of short shorts with visible spats spilling out underneath.

If Aksel had to put it into words, he’d say she resembled someone cosplaying a bandit rather than an actual bandit. However, he would be hard pressed not to call her attractive, especially with her feminine features being flaunted in such a revealing outfit. For a healthy man such as himself, it brought about more than a few unhelpful thoughts. Focusing his attention elsewhere, he found her weaponry also matched her fashion sense, because she didn’t have any.

“Aaaaa—aaaahhh…”

The muted sound of pain continued to escape her mouth as her body rolling left to right. She held both the back of her head and Aksel’s landing zone.

“What in the Nithic plains is your problem?!” Aksel roared, utterly baffled by the situation before him.

“Why did you fall?” she asked in little more than a whisper.

“What?”

Glancing at Aksel with those pained eyes of hers, she quickly scrambled back to her feet, keeping her hand firmly placed on the back of her head.

“Why did you fall on me, you moron?!” the bandit questioned her victim.

“Wha—shouldn’t I be asking you why you’re pulling men to the ground in your underwear?!” Aksel retorted.

“U-underwear?” His assailant did a double take at her own attire, flushing a tinge of red after it fully registered to her.

“Why are you wearing an outfit you’re embarrassed by?!” Aksel yelled, seeing her reaction.

“Th-this is a combat bra, you perv!” she informed him, making a modest attempt to cover herself with her arms.

“What does that even mean?”

“Enough about my outfit! Now give me your money!” she demanded, pointing a finger at him.

“If you thin—”

“And your shirt, too!” she interrupted him with an additional demand.

“… If you think I’m going to give you anything, then you’ve definitely hit your head way too hard!”

Suffering yet more embarrassment, the desperate woman, on the verge of tears, rushed up to Aksel and attempted to grab the pouch of coins secured on his belt.

“Wh—Hey!” Aksel reacted just in time, shoving his hand firmly in her face while securing his funds in his free hand, stretching it out in the opposite direction.

“Give it to meeee!” the girl whined, sounding more like an entitled sibling than an intimidating bandit.

For a few seconds, the two were entangled in this chaotic dance, the bandit fruitlessly flailing her arms to reach her prize, while Aksel held firm against the assault. Finally, he summoned enough strength to shove her away.

“This is the worst robbery in history!” Aksel decried the ridiculous situation.

“Then stop being a bastard and give me the money already!”

Continuing to act like the annoying sibling he never asked for, history’s worst bandit came at him once more. Not willing to relinquish a single coin, Aksel hunched over his meagre valuables, determined to protect them. Were this a life-or-death situation, he more than likely would have already handed over the money, but this person certainly didn’t qualify as a threat—no more than an ant would have constituted a roadblock.

Pressing her body against his back, she attempted to climb over him to reach her intended target. However, the wall presented in front of her proved too great an obstacle to overcome. Faced with another imminent failure, she changed her tactics. Retracting her arms, she abandoned the attempt to reach over his back. Instead, in a move that took Aksel completely by surprise, she grabbed both ends of his loose shirt and furiously yanked it up.

“AHH!” Aksel yelped.

“Stop struggling!” the bandit ordered.

The situation was deteriorating rapidly. While a small part of him was curious to see just how far she was willing to go for the few coins he had to his name, thankfully, the overwhelming majority of his brain didn’t want to get stripped in the middle of the road to satisfy that curiosity.

Even his most valiant defence was soon to crumble in the face of the next assault. Seeing her current plan destined to fail, as so many had before it, the bandit changed tactics one final time and launched a surprise attack on his pants.

“Wha—why are you stripping me?!” he asked in a slightly panicked, confused tone.

“If I can’t have your coins, I’ll have your clothes!” she replied with renewed vigour, tugging on his waistband.

Her eyes, filled with desperate energy, were unsettling, as if demanding she go to such lengths for victory. Distracted amid the struggle, Aksel twisted his body and lost his footing, crashing to the hard road with nothing a cushion the fall.

A devious smile stretched across the bandit’s face as she focused her efforts on a single trouser leg to pull her prize free. Aksel could only spare a single hand to defend his dignity, still holding his funds at a safe distance even in this chaos.

If I don’t do something soon, I’m going to be brawling her in my underwear! Aksel thought in a panic.

He only had one chance for a counter before being left exposed. Utilizing his unhindered leg, he delivered a swift high kick straight to the jaw of his distracted foe. It was a solid connection, the force from the blow knocking the bandit onto her backside as she reeled in pain. Free from her perverted clutches, Aksel clambered to his feet once again, his pants firmly secured.

“Y-you’re sick!” he screamed at her.

The girl however, simply sat there in shock, her gaze fixed upon him.

First, she went for my coins, then she went for my clothes. Well, this time I’m ready for anything you can throw at me, Aksel hyped himself up, ready to counter at a moment’s notice.

“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!” Humiliated, bruised, and seemingly a little cold, the bandit broke down into tears.

Despite his thoughts to the contrary, Aksel had not prepared for this.

“I JUS— I JUST— I WANNA WIN! WAAAAAAAHHH!” she sobbed loudly.

He didn’t think it was possible for the victim of a robbery to come out feeling like the villain, yet that was how the situation was playing out. As someone who always dreamt of being a hero, that annoyed him to no end.

“Hey, I was the one being robbed here. What’s wrong with you?” he questioned the bandit, trying to keep his composure.

“I’VE BEEN WAITING HERE ALL DAAAAY! AND I CAN’T EVEN ROB ANYONEEEEE!!!” her sobs were somehow growing louder.

“Like I care! Just sto—"

“I HATE MYSELF! I SHOULD JUST FIND A HOLE AND DIEEEEE! WAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!”

“Stop screaming already! Just calm down and—"

“JUST LEAVE ME! LEAVE ME TO DIE ALREADY! I’M WORTHLESSS TRASH THAT DOESN’T DESERVE TO LIVEEEEEE!!!”

Perhaps it was because Aksel had always daydreamed of becoming a hero of the heavens. Perhaps it was because he was on a journey to make that dream a reality, or maybe it was just that the screaming, crying, pathetic person in front of him filled his heart with so much pity that he knew her tear-stained face would haunt his nightmares if he just left her without offering some assistance.

“I can’t believe this…” Aksel muttered to himself, pinching the bridge of his nose. Taking extra care to secure his coins and clothes, he approached the sobbing bandit.

Stolen from its rightful author, this tale is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

“Huh?” he questioned, feeling a droplet of water suddenly splash against his nose. Hoping it was just his imagination, he held his hand out in front of him, only to have several more droplets carelessly splash against his skin.

Oh, bloodfalls. Aksel gave one final curse as the sky wept alongside the broken fountain of tears before him. The drizzle transformed into a shower in seconds, leaving Aksel soaking it up like a human sponge.

Today is going to be a bad day, Aksel mused over his poor luck as he stood over his former assailant. Tears and rain stained her still sobbing face, making her seem more like a defenceless child than any form of threat. That sentiment only intensified his growing sense of mislaid guilt.

Reaching into his coin purse, he withdrew a single Silver Crown, alongside a few extra Copper Saturns, and threw them at her head.

“WAAAAHHHH! Wha—OWWWW?!” she released a bewildered yelp, rubbing the money-making bruise.

Satisfied with his generous charity work, Aksel turned back to the road with a clear conscience. Carnifex was still hours away and he had little to protect himself against the sudden downpour.

Noting to pack a hood, a club, and a stronger belt for next time, he attempted to slip back into his daydreams, when something snagged his shirt.

“Hey…” A weak, regretful voice spoke behind him.

Aksel halted but didn’t turn toward the voice. As far as he was concerned, this encounter was over, and he was ready to continue his journey now. He wondered why he was being held up again. Was she going to ask for more money? Or was she really serious about wanting his shirt?

“Where are you heading?” she asked sheepishly.

“Treda-Ton,” Aksel replied with a half-truth, unsure why she had taken an interest.

An odd silence fell over the exchange. While Aksel was more than willing to make his exit, the wet bandit still clung to his shirt, clearly not finished with him.

She already has my money, what more does she want? Aksel thought cynically as the rain continued to plaster them both.

“You’ll catch a cold,” she muttered.

He finally looked at her, confusion etched on his face.

“Why don’t you… like, come to my place until it stops,” she said, refusing to meet his gaze as she awaited his response.

“… What?”

---

“We’re here,” the nameless girl mumbled with the energy of a cold potato as they entered the small, mossy, unfurnished cave somewhere within the nearby forest. A pitiful, burnt-out firepit was assembled at its centre, with a small, ragged sheet of cloth haphazardly tossed beside it.

“Yeah…” Aksel sighed in evident disappointment. This was not what he imagined her ‘place’ would be like. Still, it beat being out in the rain, so he supposed he should be thankful for the shelter.

Moving into the cave, Aksel positioned himself in front of the small firepit while his host went to the edge of her abode. Lifting a small rock, she revealed a hole beneath, where she deposited what few coins she had received.

“Is that where you keep your loot?” he asked curiously.

“Like I’d tell you,” she replied defensively, before covering her hidden vault with the rock.

After making her deposit, she joined him by the firepit and quickly began drying herself off with the nearby ragged sheet. Completely soaked to the bone himself, Aksel grasped the hem of his waterlogged shirt and started wringing it out the best he could.

“Aren’t you going to take it off?” the bandit questioned, raising an eyebrow.

“What?” Aksel looked at her, his guard raised to absolute maximum at the notion of stripping down with her nearby.

“Your shirt, it’s soaked through.” the bandit pointed out, though Aksel remained defensive.

“And?”

“You’ll catch a cold.”

“I’ve been blessed since birth, so I’ll be fine, thanks.”

“Suit yourself,” she replied, shrugging her shoulders.

Like I’d ever leave any of my clothes lying around after you tried to strip me! Aksel thought, justifying his actions to himself as he stubbornly remained in his waterlogged attire.

“Just remember, stay on your side of the cave, or I’ll kick you out,” she clarified, keeping an eye on him while drying herself. “Don’t think I trust you now just because you gave me a few coins.”

After drying herself off, she launched the ragged sheet at Aksel’s unsuspecting face, taking him by surprise. “Wha-?!”

“At least dry yourself with that,” she told him, before parking herself on the cave floor.

“It’s soaking wet,” he pointed out.

“Then give it back,” the bandit lazily held her hand out.

Reluctantly, Aksel accepted the offer, wringing out the sheet and drying what he could. During the process, he occasionally looked over at his host, only to find her staring at him from over her knees, keenly watching his every move.

She clearly doesn’t trust me, even after inviting me here, Aksel lamented.

After drying himself the best he could, he wrung the sheet out one final time, rolled it up into a ball, and delivered it straight back at her face. A satisfying, damp thud softly carried to his ears upon striking its mark.

“Thanks,” he muttered, satisfied with his small revenge.

“Yeah,” she responded half-heartedly, slowly placing the moist sheet on the ground while barely shifting her gaze from him. He never expected such a muted reaction from a girl that capable of throwing a tantrum even a three-year-old would call dramatic, but he supposed she had a lot on her mind.

“…”

“…”

With little else to speak of, the room fell silent. Aksel soon regretted every decision that had led him to this moment. The situation was just too awkward. When the would-be bandit proposed the idea of them going back to her place, he only really agreed to get her to let go of his shirt. Even then, he expected a little more than… well, than this. So, the two who had been fighting less than an hour ago, sat in the isolated cave, with only the pitter-patter of the rain to break the silence.

Socialising was never Aksel’s forte, preferring his daydreams to the more uncomfortable reality around him. Without the skill to change this situation, he decided to wait and see if it would somehow fix itself.

“…”

“…”

It didn’t.

So, with little else to do, Aksel positioned himself into a comfortable spot, and slowly started to drift off into his previous daydream. Where was he again? Flying around with his angelic companion, Ariel, no doubt—

“AAARRRRRRHHHHH!” that plan was scrapped when the perfect quiet of the room was broken by the cries of frustration from his host. “How is this situation even a thing?!”

“You invited me here?” he replied, raising an eyebrow at the question.

“Of course I did. I can’t just let the guy I’m indebted to walk off into the rain like I’m some beggar off the streets! I have standards, you know!” The bandit stated with a straight face inside her barren cave. Aksel resisted a smirk.

“Well, thank you, for getting me out of the rain and everything,” Aksel told her, supposing it was long overdue. “Though, I didn’t think it would be so… cozy.”

“Hey, don’t thank and criticize me at the same time. This is prime real estate!”

“What? This cave in the middle of the middle of nowhere, how is this prime real estate?” Aksel questioned. Even taking her ‘trade’ into account, the nearby road was used too infrequently to grant this hole any value.

“Ha! Such a small-minded assumption. My base is practically invisible. I bet not even The First himself could find me in here,” the bandit boasted cockily.

“You know, I could probably just tell the knights where this place is after I leave,” he half-joked. Given how remote this place was, he doubted he’d remember where to find it again.

“Huh?! Wait!” Genuine concern crossed the bandit’s face as she began to panic. Apparently, this thought had never crossed her mind. “You wouldn’t do that, would you? Would you?!”

“It’s okay, I was just—" Aksel’s explanation was swiftly cut off as the panicking bandit jumped to her own conclusions. Fearing her guest would rat her out, she rushed up to him and grabbed his shirts collar with both hands.

“Come on! You can’t do that to me; I’m trying to be nice here! I haven’t even done anything wrong yet! Please don’t tell the knights where I aaaaaam! Pleaseeeeee! I’ll do anything!” As Aksel was shaken back and forth, wondering if this would stretch out his shirt, his eyes began getting a better look at the girl’s figure, which was definitely quite… something. Her outfit already left little to the imagination, and was more than happy to flaunt her ample breasts, still glistening faintly from the rain. Aksel turned his gaze away before his thoughts could betray him.

“You really shouldn’t say things like that to a guy,” Aksel explained to her.

“Huh?” The girl stopped for a moment, taking the time to process his words. Then, she looked down at herself, and her face blossomed into a familiar, but more intense shade of red. With a quick shove, she knocked Aksel to the cold stone floor from his sitting position, hiding her chest with her arms as best as she could manage. “E-Except that! You damn pervert!”

“Wait! I wasn’t even trying—” Aksel tried to recover the situation, but was quickly cut off.

“Shut up! If you’re going to be thinking l-lewd thoughts like that, then you can just get out and enjoy your nature walk to town! I’m not an easy girl like that, okay!” The bandit pointed her finger at him to emphasize her statement, her face flushed crimson, her own mind betraying her as the current situation ran through her head. A young, underdressed woman inviting a stranger back to her secluded cave in the forest, with not a soul around for miles. Well, anything could happen, after all.

“Oh, come on! First you try and rob me—a grave enough offense without bringing up your outfit. Then, you try and strip me in the middle of the road. And now, you invite me back here, making weird open-ended offers while… you know!” Aksel returned an accusatory finger of his own to the bandit. “If anyone here is the pervert, it’s you!”

“Aaaaa.” The gut punch to her character left her in guttural shock, her mouth agape as she reeled from the blow. Utterly demoralised, she slowly returned to her seat across from Aksel, clearly lost in thought.

"I'm not a pervert..." she quietly defended herself before falling silent.

Feeling a little guilty over his comments, he thought over his situation. Despite everything that had happened between them, she still had enough heart to offer him shelter from the rain. If a bandit could do that, then as an up-and-coming hero, it was his duty to push his resentment aside and find a diplomatic solution. With a single exhale, Aksel resolved himself to befriend the bandit.

“Look, I’m sorry about what I said, and about what happened before, okay?” He spoke with as much sincerity as he could muster.

“What?” She eyed him suspiciously.

“I mean, you tried to rob me, it failed, and now we’re here. Overall, no harm done, right? So… what if we start over?”

“Start over? Like I never tried to rob you or something?” his former mugger questioned.

“Yeah, let’s just put that all to one side and start over from the beginning,” Aksel said, gesturing to emphasize his point.

“Really? Just like that?”

“I don’t see why not. Let’s just both forget what happened before.”

The bandit turned her head to the side, breaking eye contact, as a tinge of red coloured her features yet again.

“Yes… please. Can we forget about it? Like… all of it.”

It seemed the memory of her failed robbery wasn’t going over well in her mind, although Aksel doubted even the greatest bards in the land could spin that encounter into a favourable one. The real question was whether she was embarrassed by her pitiful performance or the part where she tried to strip him in the middle of the road.

With the terms agreed for a relationship restart, Aksel took the initiative.

“Okay then, I’ll start.” He began, forcefully clearing his throat. “Hi, my name is Aksel.” He delivered his brief greeting. He was never great at meeting new people and doing a forced introduction like this didn’t come naturally.

“Oh, my turn? I’m—I mean. H-hello! My name is Theo! What’s your name?” To Aksel’s surprise, Theo somehow managed to flub even the simplest of introductions. Aksel wasn’t sure how to respond, when Theo realised her Mistake.

“No no no! I don’t know why I said that, I just defaulted to that for some reason!” she admitted, planting her face in her palms.

This first impression was collapsing faster than her robbery attempt. Aksel made a mental note that neither of them was the best with people.

“Can we start over again, please?” she asked, peeking through her fingers, clearly embarrassed.

“I guess?”

Take three.

“Hello, my name is Theo, and I come from the village of Alba,” Theo spoke much more confidently, even offering an extended introduction.

“Nice to meet you, I’m Aksel, from Basaint village.”

“Basaint? Is that nearby?” Theo pressed curiously.

“It’s a few days’ southwest of here, but still this side of the Ellecawes Spine. It’s a small place that escaped the bombing, more than most can say in the resettlement region. What about you? I’ve never heard of Alba before.”

“It’s… kinda far. It’s a little village close to Treda-Dale.”

“Treda-Dale? Isn’t that place hundreds of miles away from here?” Aksel was shocked by the revelation, a reaction Theo seemed to feed off.

“Heh heh heh. Indeed, it is. I have travelled far to grace this place with my presence. In fact, I might as well tell you who you’re truly dealing with,” Theo responded. Clearing her throat, she rose to her feet and struck a pose Aksel imagined she thought was cool, before announcing, “You are speaking to Faithless Theo, the great leader of the Black Surcoats!”

“Black surcoats? Is that some kind of group?” Aksel asked, unfamiliar with the name.

“Heh heh. It’s only the most soon-to-be feared banditry group that’s ever existed,” her smugness, while making this statement, was overwhelming.

“Right, I see… banditry group,” he repeated, quickly scanning his surroundings in case he missed the posse of bandits sharpening their knives in the corner. After he confirmed that there were indeed no such bands nearby, he turned his sceptical eyes back to little Miss Faithless. “So, how many members belong to this ‘Black Surcoats’?”

“Well, for now, I’m flying solo, a lone wolf if you will. But once word spreads, I’m sure the best of the best will flock to join my group.” Her pride was beaming like a beacon of smug.

“Wait wait wait. You can’t possibly think that’s how that works,” Aksel interjected. The idea was absurd. If she showed off her skill at robbing people, great bandits, thieves, and highwaymen would just travel from all over to join her, perhaps even bow down and ask to be her disciple?

“Of course, idiot! People are drawn to strength, and I have it in bucketloads.”

“You don’t even own a bucket!” he retorted, pointing out her lack of anything.

“My lack of buckets is irrelevant!” she replied, pointing at him in an overly dramatic fashion.

“For that matter, you’re not even wearing a black surcoat. This is like calling yourself the ‘Sun Dancers’ when you’re a crippled vampire.”

“Stop nitpicking already! I’m working on it, okay?!” Theo exclaimed, sitting down with a slight pout.

Aksel had known Theo for under two miserable hours, but he already knew that if someone asked him to place a bet on Theo’s future career as a bandit, he would have wagered on ‘dead in a ditch within twenty-four hours.’

“Let me ask you this then, how long have you been a bandit?” Aksel dared to ask.

“Hmmm, well that’s the question, isn’t it? At heart, I’ve always been a bandit. Sometimes you can just feel these things, you know? And in this world, you have to just take whatever you can get with both hands if you want to find true happiness.”

“What are you, a poet? When did you start robbing people?”

“Oh, well… erm… What time is it?”

Aksel looked to the cave entrance, where the pouring rain blocked any sunlight from piercing through the forest canopy. After a few moments, he turned his head back to Theo without any new information being gained.

“Does rainy count?”

“I’ve been a bandit for four hours.”

“I see…” Aksel acknowledged, internally reducing his bet to twelve hours.

“You should be honoured. Once I make it big, you’ll be known throughout the world as my first victim,” Theo said, still as overly confident as before.

I thought we just agreed that didn’t happen.