8
“Stop! Valderia Police! You’re under arrest!”
“We won’t kick shit out of you if you stop runnin’ now!”
“That… never… works!”
“I’m gonna kick shit out of you when I catch you!”
Corporal Timmy Edgewater and his partner Corporal Wally Washbottom raced through Black's Alley in hot pursuit of the thief. Timmy, slightly less doughy than he had been, still felt like his lungs were going to explode as he struggled to keep pace with his longer-limbed partner. The thief in question was a little potbellied purse snatcher, but he was surprisingly spritely. He threw a left down Hangman’s Lane and leapt a fence going down to Lynford Gardens.
“He’s in the gardens!” Wally huffed.
“You keep on him,” Timmy wheezed. “I’ll cut around to the Waterymill exit.”
Timmy veered off as Wally leapt the fence, catching his foot and tumbling over. He was up in a second, covered in brambles and twigs, as he shot off, limbs flailing like a marionette’s puppet. Timmy willed on his chubby frame, jogging around the fenced gardens, trying to spot their thief. He dodged a horse and carriage and then almost slipped in the horse’s droppings. After a near miss with a gaggle of Gnome matrons who were hurrying through the light rain, their heads bowed, paying no attention to the trundling officer, Timmy saw the Watermill exit to the gardens. He put on an extra, and what was probably his final spurt of speed, and charged towards the gate. Just as he turned the corner, the thief came flying through the gate and barreled straight into him. His head cracked into Timmy’s nose, and they both went flying. The thief’s ill gotten gains spilt across the rain drenched cobbles. The thief was on his feet before Timmy with a rusty blade in his hand. He growled and menaced Timmy with the blade.
“Out of me way pig!” he snarled.
Timmy’s eyes grew wide as he saw the blade. He tried to scramble back to his feet, but he wouldn’t be able to get there before the thief stuck him with that nasty looking blade.
“Timmy!” Wally roared as he cleared the gate with a single leap.
The thief turned just in time to see Wally fall out of the sky and land on him with a thump. They tussled on the soaking wet floor while Timmy leapt to his feet and pulled out his truncheon.
“Stop resisting!” he cried as he brought down the truncheon on the thief.
THUNK! THUNK! THUNK!
The thief howled in pain as Timmy laid about his head and arms with the truncheon. Wally extricated himself and was on his feet, truncheon in hand.
“You’re… under… arrest!” Wally huffed, punctuating each word with a blow of his truncheon.
Red faced and sweaty, the two young corporals proceeded to kick shit out of the blade wielding thief until he finally dropped the knife and laid on his belly. Wally bent over double, wheezing and coughing while Timmy slapped the manacles on the thief.
“I’m bloody knackered,” Wally said. “Why’d yer ‘ave to go and run for?”
“Coz you was gonna kick shit out of me!” The thief moaned piteously.
“We only kicked shit out of you coz you run!” Wally said.
"Well, I didn’t know that!”
“You’ve learned a valuable lesson today then,” Timmy said as he hauled the thief to his feet. “Don’t go snatching purses and don’t run from Edgewater and Washbottom!”
“Yer name's Washbottom?” the thief sniggered.
“Wot of it?” Wally growled at him, menacing him with his truncheon.
“Oh ermm… nuffin’, sir.” the thief said demurely.
“Come on, let's get this scum back to the station.” Wally said to Timmy.
“Ooh and some hot tea, I’m starving,” Timmy said.
“Yeah, might be some sausage in the canteen if we’re lucky!” Wally said as they dragged the thief back to the meat wagon parked up around the corner.
“You lot got sausages?” The thief said dreamily. “I haven’t had a proper sausage in months!”
“There’s lots of perks to being a copper,” Timmy said to him. “Much better than robbing purses.”
“Yeah, you get a truncheon and a nice uniform,” Wally said.
“Respect from your community,” Timmy said.
“Three square meals a day, and the pay ain’t ‘alf bad.” Wally added.
“And you get to feel like you’ve made a difference in the world each day.”
“Plus, kicking shit out of fellas is fun.”
“Wally!”
“What?”
“Kicking shit out of people is not a perk of being a copper,” Timmy said.
“It ain’t?”
“No!”
“Then wot is it?” Wally asked.
“I dunno… like a part of the job, I guess.”
“Fun part.”
“You two certainly kicked shit out of me good and proper,” the thief muttered.
“Did we?” Wally asked.
“Yeah. That was maybe… top three shit kickin’s I’ve ever had from a copper.”
“Did yer here that, Tim? Top three!"
“Wait… how many times have you had shit kicked out of you by coppers?” Timmy asked.
“Oh I dunno… maybe three or four?” the thief replied.
Stolen from Royal Road, this story should be reported if encountered on Amazon.
“Get in the damn wagon!” Timmy said, shoving him into the meat wagon.
“Cheek of it, I swear.” Wally said, shaking his head.
“We caught this one snatching purses down Cabery Street,” Timmy informed the officer on duty in the meat wagon.
“Nicely done, corporals,” the officer said with a nod of his head. “Want a lift back to the station?”
“Please.” Timmy and Wally hopped on to the side of the wagon and they took off straight for the Police headquarters.
Life was different for Timmy and Wally now. Ever since they had brought in the Human responsible for a brutal arson attack that left a family of Goblins dead six months ago, they were finally being treated with a modicum of respect by their fellow officers. It also helped that Corporal Charlie Nelson, a legend among policemen, now counted them as friends of his and the fact their names had been tied to the backroom whispers about that missing Diamond case. Their fellow officers had stopped making fun of them, at least to their faces, and they were no longer at the very bottom of the hierarchy. Things had been good for Timmy and Wally. They had their special accommodations from the Mayor, the Cap’n knew their names and would even say hello to them on occasion, and they had received a pay raise with an official bump up from Junior Corporals to fully fledged Corporals.
Upon arriving at HQ, they leapt from the wagon and brought their prisoner inside. The HQ was buzzing with activity, mainly because most officers were trying to hide out from the rain and were making themselves look as busy as possible, lest they be ordered back out into the storm. Timmy and Wally brought the thief to the duty Sergeant’s desk to get booked in when they were intercepted by another young officer.
“Corporal Edgewater? Corporal Washbottom?” he squeaked.
“That’s us,” Wally said.
“You’ve been given a special secondment. Your to report to Lieutenant Conway in the basement.” The officer saluted smartly and took their thief from them, leaving Wally to look at Timmy, white face.
“Special secondment?” Timmy said to him.
“Oh no,” Wally said. “Not again!”
“It won’t be like that this time,” Timmy said, patting his friend reassuringly on the shoulder.
“‘Ow do you know that?” Wally said.
“Umm… well I don’t. But I’m sure it will be fine. Look, our last secondment didn’t end so badly. We might even get another...”
“You mention an accommodation and I’ll lamp you, I swear Tim!”
They made their way down several flights of stairs until they finally reached the basement. Neither of them had been down here before. It was dingy and dim but looked like it had recently been cleaned. They walked along a short corridor until they ran into a weathered detective, juggling a coffee and a stack of papers. He looked like he hadn’t slept in weeks.
“What?” he snapped at them.
“Wot?” Wally replied.
“Oh umm… we’re Washbottom and Edgewater, we were told to report to Lieutenant Conway.” Timmy said.
The man looked them up and down and then shook his head, muttering under his breath.
“End of the corridor,” he said, nodding his head and then walking away, still shaking his head.
They kept going until they saw an office with brand new lettering on the door:
Lieutenant Roderick Conway
Head of the Drug Enforcement Squad
“Drug enforcement?” Wally read. “Wot’s that?”
“I dunno,” Timmy answered. “Are you going to knock?”
“Why me? You knock.”
“I knocked last time.”
“No you didn’t, I did!”
“Get in here!” a gruff voice barked at them through the door.
Timmy and Wally jumped, and then Timmy hastily turned the doorknob. Inside the office was overspilling with piles of papers. They were everywhere. Somewhere deep inside the stacks was a small desk and a grizzled, grey haired detective. The place had the musty smell of damp papers with a slight hint of strong spirits.
“What?” the grizzled detective barked at them.
“Lieutenant Conway?” Timmy said hesitantly.
“For me sins, yeah.” He looked up from his papers and recognised them. “Aren't you the two wet behind the ear welps that almost got their ears lowered by the Landlord? I thought I recognised your names.”
Now Timmy looked at him properly, he also recognised the Lieutenant: he had been the one to set them up on the stakeout that led to them being captured and almost killed by The Landlord six months ago.
“Oh, it’s you… Umm lieutenant, sir.” Wally said dumbly.
“Yep. It’s me, and it’s you. Shut the door and come in. And drop the rank lad. Call me Conway.” Conway said, leaning back in his chair and appraising the two Corporals with a ghost of a smile on his face. “Fits that she would recommend you two.”
“We were recommended, sir?” Timmy asked.
“By the former Sergeant Nairo,” Conway said.
Timmy’s heart skipped a beat at the mention of the name. Sergeant Nairo was the detective who had seconded Timmy and Wally the first time. That case had changed their lives and led them through the darkest corners of the city’s underbelly, almost costing them their lives and their souls.
“Wot’s she got to do with this?" Wally exclaimed. "Tim, I told you this was a bad idea!”
“I reached out to Nairo and asked if she could recommend me officers. Good police that I could trust.”
“She said she could trust us?” Timmy said, feeling his cheeks redden.
“Apparently.” Conway said. He sighed and ran his thumbs around his waistband and then scratched at his stubbly jaw. “Do you boys know what we do down here?”
“I thought this was missing property,” Wally replied.
“Wally!” Timmy said.
Conway gave a dry chuckle and nodded.
“It was, and it was my beat. I was rotting down in the basement for years before Nairo and her PI mate pulled me back into the world. By the sounds of it, she also pushed you boys up the ladder a couple steps. Now, I have the pleasure of being in charge of the new Drug Enforcement Squad.”
“Wot’s that?” Wally asked.
“We’re new,” Conway said. “I’m guessing you’ve heard about all the OD’s and this so called Bad Batch that’s been causing them?”
“Yessir,” they replied in unison.
“We’re here to put a stop to that. Find whoever’s smuggling Burn into the city and bring ‘em to justice. That’s our main focus, but anything to do with illicit controlled substances falls under our purview. Right now though, our only concern is finding this Bad Batch and getting it off the streets.”
Timmy and Wally nodded along.
“To do this, I’ve been given permission to second any officers I need. This will be plain clothes gig for the main part, but you might still need to do some boots on the cobbles work. You’ll be dealing with some of the nastiest little pricks in the city. The drug game is cut throat and violent. You’ll be given temporary bumps in rank to detective while on this secondment, and your pay packet will reflect that. If you do this right, there could be a permanent position for you here. So what do you say, boys? Are you game?”
Timmy looked at Wally.
“Umm…”
“Well…”
“A bump up to detective?” Timmy said.
“‘Ow much extra do we get?” Wally asked.
“You’re either in or your out, don’t waste my time,” Conway growled.
“We’re in, sir!” Timmy said quickly before Wally could open his mouth. “You can count on us!”
“Good. This is a tough assignment, boys. I need officers that ain’t gonna be turned by the glint of gold and have the guts to tangle with real Villains. I can’t be holding anyone’s hand.”
“We’ve dealt with Villains before,” Timmy said with a confidence he didn’t feel.
“Yeah, kicked shit out of plenty of them,” Wally blustered.
“Well, there’ll be a bit of shit kicking, but being a detective is more about using yer brains. Thinking tactically. Putting together dots that no one else can even see. We’re not here to rip and run a few street level thugs, we’re looking for the big fish. The top Villain that’s smuggling this shit in by the tonne.”
“Yessir.”
“Good. I’m gonna put you boys on stakeout work to begin with. We need to collect information and start figuring out the hierarchy. We start with the street level dealers and we follow them up the chain. You’ll be given your assignments shortly. For now, get out of them blues. It’s time to do some real police work.”
“Yessir!”
Timmy and Wally gave Conway their best salutes and walked out of the cramped office.
“Wally! We’re real detectives!” Timmy whispered gleefully.
“Yeah,” Wally said, looking slightly green. “Oh man Tim, why have we gone and got seconded again for?”
“Coz we’re bright up and coming stars of the Valderia police force!” Timmy laughed, patting his friend on the back. “Trust me Wally, we do this right, and we’re gonna get fast tracked to detective permanently! Trust me!”
“Oh man.”