We spent a little more time practicing until she could tell me what the card was almost instantly. With this new plan, we had pretty good odds of making the goal of twelve thousand dollars in one day. It was Saturday and I got into my car and put on my seat belt. Lona decided that she wanted to control the radio. She found a station that was playing all of her favorite songs. She sat in the passenger seat, passionately jamming out to every song. At least until the name and tagline of the radio station came up. “You're listening 103.9: THE OWLLLLLLL! Home to the classics! The 70's, the 80's, the 90's! All in one place!”
“Oldies? But I'm only twenty-one!” She whined.
“Yeah, but you're also forty.”
“Yeah, but . . . Like. Okay, I guess. What do, like, the kids listen to?”
“I don't know,” I said, bending over to change the radio station to a service with more modern music. Wet Ass Pussy by Cardi B., a song about particularly precipitous genitals, and cats that have the misfortune of getting soaked, blared out of the speakers. It was the explicit version. I had heard the song before and did not think anything about it, really. It was not my favorite, but I also was not particularly bothered by it. Lona, however, had never heard something like this come on the radio before. She was flabbergasted and sat there muttering to herself.
“This is what people listen to? This is so . . . Aggressive!”
“I mean, I guess. Not much worse than some of the songs from the 90's, though.” I retorted, switching lanes.
“What are you talking about? There was nothing this . . . Explicit in the 90's!” I just gave her the side-eye and put on The Bad Touch by The Bloodhound Gang, which was released in 1999. She looked at it and saw the date of release on the display and her eyes widened as the song continued. “Well, I . . . This didn't come out until after I died.”
“And obviously, you are the bastion for rational and reasonable society, so without you, we declined,” I said, my voice dripping with sarcasm.
“I . . . No! It's just . . . Like . . . Things were a little classier before I died. That's all I'm trying to say.” I added Like a Virgin by Madonna and Cocaine by Eric Clapton to the queue. Lona frowned at this for a while, then she started laughing. “Okay, okay. The new song was just a little surprising. Saying the . . . the p-word on the radio.”
I started laughing so hard that we almost crashed into the median. I got the car back under control and in a real lane and wiped my eyes. She just stared at me. “What the hell was that about?”
“I- . . . You are perfectly willing to sleep naked around me. To be a nude model. But you get all Ben Shapiro about the word 'pussy'.” I emphasized the noun. “It's just silly.”
“Yeah, like, okay. Whatever. I didn't expect to hear the word pussy on the radio.” She said the word a little quieter and I laughed again. “I can't believe I'm being mocked by a nerdy virgin like you!”
“Hey now! I'm not a virgin!”
“Oh yeah? When was the last time you got laid, ladies' man?” She said, with a playfully derisive tone.
“It's been a while. A couple of years. But hey. It's hard to meet someone!”
“Only when you spend all your time not talking to people or going outside.” She retorted. I granted that with a nod but fell silent. The rest of the car ride was that way. Just random music. She started playing one of her games on my phone. Hmm. Maybe I should get her a phone of her own. Wow. Having a woman on my phone plan. That . . . is a pretty big step.
Eventually, we arrived at a casino. It was big and gaudy, with gilding or at least what could be loosely associated with gilding everywhere, lots of carpet. Reds and golds and whites everywhere. Bright lights, loud noises, and no clocks anywhere. Slot machines jangling, wheels turning, digital sound chips blaring. My senses overloaded with activity, I paused and closed my eyes. Lona looked at me curiously then stood a little closer, offering the comfort of another person, albeit a fairly cold one. Still, I took solace in her presence. After a minute I continued towards the exchange center. There was a skinny man, looking incredibly nonplussed as I approached. In a bored voice, he asked “How can I help you today, sir?”
“Uh, well,” I took out one thousand dollars and put it on the counter. “Could I please get some chips or tokens or whatever, I'd like to play so-”
The instant I put the money on the counter, he exchanged it. I looked past him and there was a large man wearing a coat that had a suspiciously gun-shaped object underneath it. I forced myself not to gulp in fear and took my chips. He had put the equivalent of nine hundred in hundred dollar chips and the remaining hundred in combinations of five, ten, and twenty. I carefully took my chips and put them in my pocket. I nodded to him. “Th-thank you.”
He looked up at me with the glassy-eyed expression of a man who would not remember I existed in five minutes. I had been there. Customer service is just that way most of the time. I walked over and did a couple of the slot machines. I did not want to look like I was going directly for the tables. I spent fifteen minutes and twenty dollars at the slots and did not win once. Lona urged me to switch to one of the ones with an anime girl with large . . . Piles of money around her. “This one seems more like your style! Maybe it'll like you.”
“Machines can't like anyone. They're machines. Stop being superstitious.” I whispered to her as I sat down at her chosen machine.
“You're telling a ghost to be less superstitious?” She asked, incredulously. Damn it. I'm pretty sure she's smarter than me!
“Point,” I sighed. I won ten dollars off of the machine. She considered this proof of her belief and did a happy dance around me, including slipping through the machine.
I slowly made my way to a table. We had chosen Blackjack to do our cheating at because it statistically already had really good odds. This would only benefit us. We could have done poker, but Lona pointed out I am not much of a liar and that her method of cheating would not be as effective at that game anyway. We played for hours. I would alternate my bets, winning big where I could, trying to minimize the loss when I did not have a choice. Occasionally throwing a game. By the time of the shift change, I had made a tidy sum of about three grand and Lona was a little bored. In between hands, she kept sweeping around the casino floor, looking at all of the pretty lights. Our original dealer was a young man with longish brown hair and brown eyes who made casual conversation with us. It was obvious that he was not interested in anything anyone had to say. In order to cheat, my ghost friend would lean directly through him, put her face in the cards, and read out whatever the next card was. He was a good sport when people won against him. When his time was over, I gave him a hundred dollar chip and thanked him for his time.
The narrative has been taken without permission. Report any sightings.
He was replaced by a pretty blonde woman with a tight ponytail. All of the dealers wore dark green vests that reminded me of Lona's eyes and button-up shirts and black slacks. She wore them a little better than most. She greeted us and dealt out the cards fast. One of the other patrons told her how good she looked and she grinned the most plastic grin I had seen on anything that was not one of my figurines and thanked the man.
I felt pretty confident and was ahead a little bit, so I bet two hundred. My cards were a ten and a four. I looked at them and waited for my turn to come. It was a full table and I was second to the last, so it took a minute. Just as I came up, Lona got in position. She slid through the dealer who stiffened and shivered but did not comment on it. It was air-conditioned in the building and thus pretty cold already, so I did not think anything of it. Lona called out that the next card was going to be a seven. That would put me at twenty-one exactly. Perfect. The dealer glanced around quickly but dealt the card when I tapped twice on the table. With my cards revealed, she paid me out immediately and I nodded in thanks.
I played a couple more hands with her and watched her reactions. It was a good set, on one of them I split two aces and managed to bet up to five hundred on each, clearing two grand in one hand. I lost the next hand, but it did not matter. I was at almost five grand and this was just short of half of our goal. Well, to break even, I would have to win about sixteen to pay for the taxes on the winnings. So, realistically, this would probably take a couple of days unless I started betting bigger. But I did not want to risk getting caught. Though, how they could tell I was cheating would be nearly impossible. What are they going to do? Get Miss Cleo in here to point to Lona?
Lona looked ahead and counted the cards that would be dealt. She had a good memory for this kind of thing and told me what my cards would be next. It looked like I was probably going to win, so I took a risk and put down a thousand dollars, wanting to get closer to the goal so I could go home where it was quiet and I could play video games. I looked up at the dealer as I tapped for a hit and I noticed she was shivering. Her skin had become blue. It's not that cold in here. I won that hand and was at six grand. Just over a third of the goal. Lona did her thing again, slipping through the woman behind the table and I watched her all but convulse as it happened. That's really weird.
“Your next cards are going to be a Jack and a six. All of the cards after that are going too high for you to win.” Lona called out from inside both the dealer and the table. I watched the dealer's eyes widen and look around again. She seemed really confused. I put a relatively minor bet down and purposefully busted. The dealer watched the cards she dealt out next and her eyes widened but she did not say anything. I think I made enough money today. I gave her a hundred dollar token for her time, thanked her, and left. Lona rushed to catch up with me. “Hey, what's going on? I don't think we won enough for the doll, did we?”
“No, we didn't. But I think she could hear you.”
“What?” She looked back at the woman and grinned. “You should go talk to her!”
“And say what?” I sat down at the same anime machine that I had before and fed it some money then pulled the lever. “Hey, it seems like you can hear ghosts. Well, I can see them and was using one to cheat your job out of money so I could buy a sex doll so she could have a body again.”
“Well, I wouldn't lead with that,” Lona remarked, floating over the machine. “I don't think she can see me. I'm looking directly at her and she hasn't looked at me.”
“Of course she can't see you. She would have seen you penetrating her.”
The floating woman giggled and shook her head. “Ew. Gross. Is that what gives you a wet ass pussy? Girls penetrating one another?”
I rolled my eyes and put another few coins in and pulled the lever a few more times in a row, betting the minimum. I never won. After a few minutes, I sat down at a different Blackjack table. It was close to hers, but with a different dealer. It was a brunette who had a huge, probably fake smile waiting for me. Before Lona started cheating for me again, she put her hand through our new dealer, who did not react at all. She flew over to the blonde dealer and put her hand through her chest. The woman shuddered and looked around. Lona looked elated. Which was understandable. The only person she had spoken to in the last twenty years was me. I told her that she should try forums and talk to people or join Facebook or something. She said that it was not the same. She wanted people to interact with her in person. And that even if she did join Facebook, she could not join as herself and talk to the people she missed the most, because they would think that some asshole is just abusing the memory of their dead loved one.
I was all she had. And that was pathetic. I lost my first hand at the table because Lona was too distracted to help me, but that was fine. I had only done the minimum to buy in at the table. Lona came back and helped me for a while. After a couple of hours, Lona informed me that my next cards were really good. It was two eights, which would allow me to split them and my next cards would allow me to clean up. I bet three grand on each and won six grand in total. We were at twelve grand now. It took me a while to work up the courage to do that again. Over the course of the next hour, I lost two grand on purpose to not look suspicious. Lona groaned. She took every opportunity to look over to the blonde dealer. She would even shout out sometimes at random. I would flinch and she said that the dealer looked her way. “She can definitely hear me. That is so cool!”
“It is a risk that we shouldn't be willing to take.”
“What was that, sir?” Our dealer, the brunette asked, looking at me with her forced smile.
I hesitated and put out some more chips. I put down three grand. Willing to go down a little more if I lost just to not look suspicious. “I was just saying that I should take another risk. Haha.”
She nodded. Lona was not paying attention, but I had memorized the risk table and bet again. I got up to seventeen, but the dealer busted and I was up to sixteen grand. Lona looked back and cheered loudly. “Fuck yeah! You don't even need me!”
I rolled my eyes and murmured “Yeah, but it would be better if you bet with me. That way I could know if what I was doing was a sure thing.”
“Like, fine. Whatever.” She went to her place inside the table and the dealer. “Looks like you got another good hand coming.”
“Are you in or out, sir?” I stared down at my large pile of chips, considering. I had made enough for the doll and the taxes. But I could always use a little more. “Sir?”
“Uh. Yeah, sorry. I was just considering what to do. I think . . . I've been too cautious.” I said, pushing all of the chips forward. The plastic equivalent of sixteen thousand dollars. A fourth of my salary. My hands were shaking. My dealer's eyes widened. She dealt out the cards and true to Lona's words, I got twenty-one and cashed out immediately.
Lona flipped the fuck out. She started screaming and hollering. She flew up into the air and spun around like a ballerina. I watched her for a moment and smiled. Collecting my chips, I had thirty-two grand. I tipped the dealer a thousand and cleared out, thanking her. With that and minus the taxes, that was twenty-four grand. Amazing! I can fix my car! I can get Lona her doll. I can get her a phone. Easy peasy!
Lona came back down to earth and wrapped her arms around me. “I'm going to have a body again! You did it! You really did it!” She spun around me, doing her little dance. The blonde dealer was staring at me. I walked fast to the checkout place. Lona sang her happy dance. I got to the checkout and put down all of the chips. There was a different man in the place. He looked just as bored, though. Good to know some things never change.
The man looked down at the pile of chips and smiled politely at me. “It looks like Lady Luck was with you tonight, sir.”
“Uh . . .” It took a lot of willpower to not look over to Lona who was doing a loop-de-loop out of the corner of my eye. “Yeah. I guess so.”
He cashed me out and I thanked him. I did not tip him. I did not know if I was supposed to. I knew about the dealers because of the movies and the one other time I had been at a casino. As I was walking out, I looked at the table where the blonde woman was dealing. She had been replaced by a tall bald man with a large smile. I guess her shift is over. I walked out of the door, I saw a shape kick off the wall and approach me.
“You cheated.” The voice said calmly.