“Ok. Let’s try to get it right this time.”

Step 1: Hold your breath.

Garm took a deep breath and held it in his lungs.

“Check.”

Damnit.

Garm took another deep breath.

Step 2: Open the portal.

He pushed the button on the Functional Arresting Fictional Organizer, or FAFO. A blinding light pierced his surroundings, swirling in blues, greens, golds, and reds.

Check.

The bars on the FAFO device dropped from two to one. One more shot after this.

Step 3: Jump in.

Garm looked around. Open plains creased by dried rivers and a red sky were all that stretched for miles in any direction. Anywhere had to be better than here.

Adios, crappy dead world.

He jumped into the light, feet first, like some kind of action movie drop kick, and it rose to meet him like a shock of cold water in a winter lake. He counted backwards, bracing for the exit.

3…2…1…

The world swam into view around him. Blue skies, green trees, golden sunlight… brown dirt.

Garm landed face down. Cautiously, he pushed himself up off of the soft soil and double checked that what he was seeing was true.

It was.

Less than ten feet away from him, a massive tree stood, its roots dug deep into the dark earth, branches stretching out in every direction. As far as Garm was concerned, it was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. He sprung up to his feet and pumped a fist into the air.

“Yes! Oh, yes! Ha ha!” He ran over and hugged the tree. “Oh, you are the prettiest tree in the universe, you know that?”

“Why, thank you.” The tree’s voice was deep? No. It was a fake kind of deep. Like someone without a deep voice trying to sound like they have a deep voice.

Also, trees can talk?

Garm lept back. He looked at the tree for any sign of a mouth, but there was none.

This tale has been unlawfully obtained from Royal Road. If you discover it on Amazon, kindly report it.

Cautiously, he spoke again. “You can… speak?”

There was a stifled giggle, and then the faux deep voice returned. “Yes, I can, boy. For I am a special tree. Tell me, what is your name?”

Garm squinted incredulously at the tree. “Uhm, I’m Garm..?”

Just like that, a small creature jumped out from behind the tree. Some winged, tiny person. Garm thought it kinda looked like a…

Oh, damnit.

“Ha ha ha! Now you are all mine! I know your name!” The pixie did some kind of strange dance with her hands on her hips while she moved from side to side and stuck out her tongue.

Garm sighed. “That’s not actually how it works. You’d have to know my full name, not just my first, and that isn’t even my first name. It’s a nickname.”

The pixie stopped dancing.

“But that’s neither here nor there. I just need a place to rest for…” Garm looked at the FAFO. A counter had appeared in the place of one of the empty bars. It read 48:13. “Two days or so. Can you point me to the nearest town or village?”

The pixie crossed her arms and pouted.

Garm let his head lean back and let out a sigh of exasperation. “Please. I’ve been stuck in a dead world for almost a week now. I need to find somewhere with an actual bed.”

The pixie perked up. “A dead world?”

Garm looked back at her. “Yeah. No water, no sunlight, just dry dirt and endless lightning storms. So, please—”

“How did you get here?”

Garm realised the pixie hadn’t put it together, that the device in his hand was something special. He understood then what a blessing that was. If she’d known, she likely would have tried to steal it.

He thought for a moment. “Uh, I am a great wizard. I can travel between realms with magic.”

The pixie huffed. “Liar.”

Garm felt a little hurt. Sure, maybe great was a bit of an overstatement, but he was a pretty good wizard. Ok. He was an alright wizard. Sometimes.

“What’s in your hand?” The pixie edged closer.

Damn.

“This is my magic… umm. You know what? It’s not important. If you could just—”

“Tell me what it is, and I’ll tell you where the closest village is. Fair trade?” The pixie stuck out a miniscule hand as a gesture of the bargain.

Garm weighed his options. Looking around, he saw nothing but sparse trees and fields. He could just start walking… maybe find a stream and follow that… how long would that take?

He sighed and stuck out his hand. The tiny pixie grabbed onto a finger and shook it.

“Fine. It’s a Functional Arresting Fictional Organizer.”

She scrunched her face. “Those are made-up words.”

“All words are made up.”

She had no response for that one.

Garm smiled. “We had a deal. I told you what it is. Now you tell me where the nearest village is.”

“What does a fictional attesting organ grinder… whatever do?”

“We had a deal. Tell me where the town is.”

She pursed her lips. “That way.” Her outstretched hand pointed vaguely to the west.

“I’ll need better directions than that.”

“Fair. Trade.” She huffed and crossed her arms again.

Garm held out his arms in surrender. “You know, I think we got off on the wrong foot. I’m Garm. What should I call you?”

The pixie squinted. “You can call me…” There was a long pause, as though she was trying to make up a name on the spot. “List.”

Garm chuckled. “List? Like what I use when I shop for food, so I don’t forget anything?”

“No. Like what I use, so I don’t forget all the things I’ll do to you if you don’t tell me what that fractional amassing fritter cake, ugh! Whatever.” She stomped around in the air. “Why do humans always keep secrets?”

Garm was actually laughing now at the tiny being's tantrum. “Ok. I tell you what. If you take me to the village, I’ll explain what this does on the way.”

List unfolded her arms.

“But! On one condition.”

She frowned. “What?”

“You don’t try to steal it from me. Or play any tricks on me. Deal?”

Garm could see the gears turning in her head.

“Deal.”

He let out a sigh. “Good. Lead the way.”