Empty your mind of all thoughts that have sowed the corrupted seeds of superiority and grandeur in your soul. They are not but sinful temptations pulling you away from the true path of enlightenment.
Know this, you are not the great hero who gets to defeat the lords of evil, find his many loves and live happily ever after. You are not the writer who shall put the great hero’s life to ink and make his life a lesson that should put courage and strength in the heart of the common folk. You are not the soul-devouring, career-ending critic who makes great writers turn into young farm girls before their might self.
Who you truly are is the kid who will grow up reading the book about the great hero’s many tales, and while you go marching around saying that this is your dream, somewhere in your heart you will hear a voice say,”It will never be me”.
Now you have fallen back to the dirt you rose from, you are ready. Imagine, you are standing on the edge of a cliff and now let your gaze wander. The snow is falling quietly for there is no strength in the wind and it covers the vast wilderness which stretches for as far as you can see.
An unnatural yet calming silence sits heavily around you as you start walking back, led by instincts. You can feel something calling out to you, something greater than you, as you pave your way through the thick blanket of snow. Oh! How mysterious is this snow, infinitely various yet infinitely repetitious, soft and hard, a creaking underfoot and a soundless, the reversion of many into one.
As you walk through this endless expanse of great white, searching desperately for whatever it is that has got a hold of your curiosity, you stumble across an opening in the rocky surface that threatens to be closed by the snow that sits heavily around it, yet in your heart of heart you know this is place which called you and though tired and drained of energy to even stand straight, with your heavy breaths forming clouds of smoke, you stride forward.
The cave had turned out to be a tunnel forking out over and over and you keep moving into them at random; though it is devoid of snow to hinder you, the absence of light to show your path has brought forward another trial for you but you are committed to seeking answers and so you meander onwards.
Your journey leads you to a vast open space filled with grass and trees, and even though light and snow falls through the opening someplace above, it melts before it can put claim to this piece of heaven.
You are then introduced to an even bizarre scene as you realize you aren’t the first discoverer of this slice of heaven, you are not alone. A few meters ahead of you sits a man, lacking any means of clothing, he sits there with his eyes closed and legs folded, all the while the rays of light bathe him and his moist skin reflecting them outwards, giving this being an aura of divinity.
He finally opens his eyes, eyes that feel as if they could gaze into your soul, eyes that wordlessly tell you he knows what you seek. You wait, mesmerized by his presence, for him to impart his wisdom onto you and finally put an end to your journey, to provide peace to your restless soul, to show you the right path, and maybe the exit once this is over.
The man complies for he knows all, even about your journey and all the questions you may ever have. He parts his lips and parts the words of wisdom, “Oh God! Stop fucking my brains out! I’m going crazy… please… please just stop” he whimpers after having fallen sideways.
-x-x-x-
I lay on the furs that are spread on the ground with my head in my tiny hands as I roll around in silent fit. The headaches still come and go, though, the pain has lessened over time.
Yes, you guessed it right. The nude enthusiast monk was none other than yours truly or would be given how my life has turned out to be till now.
I had been alive and shitting on this piece of snowy hell since past four months and have had to give away a lot of privileges that a growing child should have. I have given up on having a real moment of privacy. I have given up on ever getting rid of these headaches, heck I survived this long with them that my day seems emptier if I don’t get one. I have given up on ever stepping out of this town since I have yet to even step out of this house. I have given up on ever sleeping in my own crib that lay in a room that they call mine. I have given up resisting my hunger or mother’s attempt to breastfeed me.
Take my clothes and there would be no significant difference between me and a monk, other than I am much wiser and cuter.
These past few months or most of my life that I have been awake, depends on how you see it, I have seen quite a few people visit us though I usually just play dead else they try to make a fool of themselves around me.
My agitation about being stuck here within these wooden walls had been slowly growing, making me mad and cry over the smallest things. To begin with, it's not like I had much control over my emotions and seems mother had finally noticed that she had to do better than just smile and make baby talk with me, and if things turned worse, let me have a drink.
It was past noon when mother took hold of me and carried me over to the kitchen. She walked to the far end, opened the back door and entered to what seemed to be our yard.
For the first time in my pitifully short life, I felt a new sense of excitement. The feeling was comparable to when one would take his first steps to mark the start of a new adventure that just might become the cause of great changes in the big wide world, albeit I had yet to start walking and so had to either rely on mother or crawling to get places, but you get it, right?
The bone-chilling and possibly child killing breeze kissed my face as I looked around, making me wonder just how they kept the houses warm.
The yard was almost without snow, other than the little that sat on the various bushes and the five saplings that stood by the wooden fence which had some parts broken and some planks missing.
The rest of the view was still covered in white though neat paths have been made that cut through it and I could see some people walking around.
Don’t get me wrong. I have seen the view before as well, just it was from the windows which they try to ensure is closed when I am there.
I held tightly to mother as the wind brushed against my skin again, glad to have some source of heat.
“Hehe, are you cold, Adrain?” she spoke sweetly. Yes, all of a sudden I can understand what she said… hurray! Na, nothing like that. I am now able to understand simple words, usually the ones I have heard frequently or have heard attached to an action.
My initial fears of having a hard time understanding this new language had turned out to be moot since surprisingly, baby talk or motherese coupled with an environment where you do not hear anyone use the language you are used to, makes for a very effective way to teach someone a new language.
Also, Adrain seems to be my name this time. Speaking of names, from hearing how some strangers call Mother and father, Eliona Bakerso and Rugtaf Bakerso seem to be their respective names.
She holds me closer and moves to the pair of chairs placed to the left. We sit there for quite a while, giving me time to look around while mother continues to complain about how father needs to repair certain things in the house and cradle me in her arms.
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The houses are mostly built of wood, with occasional stone structures. It is usually the bigger buildings that are constructed from stones. There is plenty of space between adjacent houses and we seem to be in the outer region as the taller structures are congested towards my right whereas it seems almost desolated to the left.
The people walking on the paths cleared of snow are wearing clothes that seem to be made of wool or animal skins and furs. Some are carrying weapons and are fitted in leathers or armor. Seems no world is without some form of violence.
The sound of the front door opening and closing shut reaches us. “I am home” Father declares loudly. “Back here” mother shouts back. He has been gone for much longer than usual. He does so every now and then, usually, ends up with him bringing documents and crates back home.
I can hear him walking hurriedly towards the backside. He comes to a stop on the doorway and his expression of worry turns to a smile when he sees us.
It is moments like these that and their overprotective nature that makes me think maybe I am being ignorant to some kind of danger but I am too young to worry about it all.
I turn around to make most of my time in the outside world, well technically speaking I still have to take my first step outside since the yard falls under house parameters.
My gaze eventually falls on a lady who is covered in tight-fitted leather clothes and boots, with a woollen hat on top and a bow and quiver hanging on her back. She seems to be making her way to the outside region. Reminds me of what someone I knew once said, ‘Human they maybe but beauty transcends the bonds of races’.
She suddenly turned towards us, catching me in the act as I admired her figure or what I thought she might be like under those leathers and wool, and smiled as she waved towards me.
Hoho… All of a sudden being a baby doesn’t seem all that bad.
My parents continued their adult talks while seated and having some snacks that father seems to have found in the kitchen, leaving me alone to continue on my path of discovery and admire this beautiful scene.
I just hope one day I will be able to step out of this wintery hell, preferably to a warm place with a good view of the sea that brings a pleasant breeze. A place where women walk around in fewer clothes.
-×-×-
In this serene environment provided to me by the gods, I have gained quite a few insights about myself. Emotional instability. Extremely short attention span. Loss of old memories. Ability to shit more than I eat.
I find myself occasionally doing weird baby stuff with glee until I realise I am not a child. Even the older memories of my previous self are hard to recall. If this is what God meant by time heals all then I am not buying it. All this does is make me more restless as I feel I am forgetting something important.
Ironically, my time with humans is very much fresh in my mind. Now, here I am growing up to be the one being I rather not see ever again.
Worse or better, depending on how you look at it, I am already failing at being human. I remember them to be loud and aggressive, very much different than us… the fae kind. Huh. Stupid identity issues.
I look around from where I sit on a rug with woven toys spread in front of me. The battle of furballs and longlegs having come to an end. Mother is busy with preparing dinner while father goes through his documents while seated on a nearby chair. Well, not the kind of humans I am used to, which makes approaching them harder.
I crawl my way to father’s leg, all the while prepared for any sudden violent actions that may follow. How am I prepared, you wonder? Easy, fall to one side and start crying. My studies show human mothers are very protective of their young ones.
My movements don't go unnoticed. Hu-father turns, bends and picks me up like that is what I wanted. It wasn't. I was just checking boundaries of what he considers personal space. Seems like I crossed it.
“And what can Pappy do for our dearest Little One?” he coos softly trying to hide his actions from mother and places me on the table while mother chops away at something I have never seen.
I just sit there. He just stares at me. We just sit there staring at each other, waiting for the other to make a move. He doesn't know a fae can be very patient. Huh. Stupid identity issues once again.
Fortunately, I win as he gets tired of just looking at me. “You are one weird kid, you know?” he exhales loudly. “Not from my side of the family.” comes the sharp reply from the kitchen followed by louder chopping voice. "And like your sister said, we should be encouraging him, not spout nonsense like that. Now, act like a father or forget about being a father to another.” the words follow.
It seems mother succeeded in whatever she was trying to do because right away father picked me up and started to move to the upper floor, all the while, I could feel my eyes watering. Not a good sign. Damn this useless hormonal body.
He enters our shared bedroom, places me on an adjacent table, sits across me and starts to stare at me once again. His eyebrows pinched together while he looked to be struggling with something.
“You may be my blood but I can't have you ruining my nights any further.” comes the flat toned declaration. The situation not looking safe for me anymore.
“What do you think you are doing?” trying to be a man. “Well, whatever the fuck it is, it is no way for a man to act much less one of our lineage.” Wait a minute.“Look at you.” He says so while giving a glance at the door and confirming the chopping sounds from the kitchen. Is this way I think it is? “boys aren't supposed to cry all the time like that!” Yes! Yes, this is a first-hand account of what humans are supposed to be like!
“Now listen. I don't care if you can or cannot understand this but the situation has turned dire. You. I love you but there are some necessities that I need to see fulfilled which hasn't been the case since you started sleeping with us.” He points to my supposed room. “Your area” he points at the ground “My area” and then he lifts a finger up and says “there could only ever be one man who can rule an area" he points back at me "and you, son, are trespassing.” He says firmly while staring me right in the eyes.
“Now I understand you are new to this whole stuff. New to life in general but I will not have my son be a pansy little shit! It is a disgrace to what a man is supposed to be. So, grow up. Be mad. Be angry. Be whatever you want and fight for what you want, son! Ah, just don't fight about spending your nights in this room. What I am trying to say is, you need to man up. No great things happened to those who choose to sit things out. You have birthed as a free man, so start acting as one.” after saying so he visibly calms down and clears his throat. “Sorry, about that. I haven't been getting any lately. Ha! Look at me complaining about it to you. Oh Well, it was a good Father to son talk won't you say?” I just sit there holding back my secret weapon for when it can be of utmost use. And so he picks me back up and starts to make his way back to the living hall.
Well, that gave me a lot to ponder on. If that is what it means to be human then I have much to learn. It seems like the myth of humans cultivating the 7 sins in their young ones isn't far from the truth.
I lose myself in thought as we descend the stairs to the chopping sounds coming from the kitchen. What has she been chopping all this time? That's a lot of cutting and slicing for something that is supposed to fill the stomach for a family of two and a half.