Fury

    Natasha Weber

    I silently stalked the wretch—hopping from building-to-building with grace befitting an elfess—my bow was ready to take her down. My eyes were stained red from all the tears I had been crying. It was hard to aim through such tears.

    Lower your weapon. His voice repeated in my head over and over.

    I whispered to myself, “you’re not here; I am here to avenge that fact.”

    I took a deep breath. The other elfess was surrounded by guards befitting a woman of her status. I couldn’t snipe her without putting myself in danger.

    *

    I unsheathed the sword at my hip and slammed it angrily into a secluded tree outside the Sunny City. The woman was with guards at all times, and I was furious about it. Trees were sacred to elfs, but I had forsaken my heritage because I did not want to share it with that tramp.

    I stabbed the tree over and over. I was wishing and wanting it to be the golden-eyed demoness.

    You had a change of heart?  

    I cast my sword down and fell to my knees, sobbing hysterically. I was an elfess of thousands and thousands of years. Why should this death bother me more than all others? Why did my skin burn with rage?

    Elfs had a good check on their emotions and felt very little. It took much pain to become as unhinged as I was. But here I was, slicing a sacred, harmless tree that did nothing but benefit the world, imagining dozens of ways to not only kill an elfess, but torture her as well.

    All this over a dead boy.

    The dead boy was in my skin; he was in my very soul. It was arguable that, before I had met him, I had no soul and no grand feelings. At least, that was how I viewed other elfs who were not unhinged as I was now; like this golden-haired Sun Elf tramp who lived in the light on this beautiful mountain and cared nothing for others.

    She had no grand feelings, she had no soul. She cut down those who were in her way without a second thought, just like I used to. It did not matter how kind or innocent they may have been, or how much better they made the world.

    He was in her way, and she cut him down.

    I looked up at the rustling leaves of the tree and dried my eyes just to have a dozen more tears replace the ones I wiped away.

    I growled. I wouldn’t give up. I would stalk her all day if need be.

    *

    Night Elfs lived in the darkness. They were like Sun Elfs in the way that they felt very little, but with one difference. A slightly higher capacity to become unhinged like I was. That is what began the conflict between the two races thousands of years ago. That tiny difference.

    We lived within an eternally dark forest far to the east of this cursed, shining mountain—we never sought the light—but lived in harmony with the sacred trees and lowly animals within. We only sought the death of other races.

    I tracked her the whole day and ended up on the roof of a house diagonally from hers. I lay on my belly, disappointed to see the tramp still surrounded by her guards. I was desperate, however, and I trained my weapon on her anyway. Suddenly, I saw movement on the roof across from the house I was on.

    I was surprised to see my fellow Night Elf kinswoman, Tyria, lying on her own belly atop the house across from mine.

    We locked eyes and the wound was freshly opened all over again. A woman like her shouldn’t be here. I climbed down the roof and landed in the alley next to it. I put up the hood attached to my cloak to hide my night elf features. I found her in the narrow passageway behind the house she was atop.

    “What are you doing here, you fool?” I demanded furiously.

    “I’m going to get that hussy for what she did to him!” She sobbed tearfully.

    “Tyria, you know I’m the greatest warrior in our city. And you, your talent is cooking, not killing. You couldn’t make the shot. Let me kill her. I promise you I will make her pay. He wouldn’t want you out here. Go home, and keep him alive in your memory.”

    Tyria was silent and she looked into my eyes hopefully. She wanted desperately to help, but she knew I was right. She avoided my gaze with her eyes screwed shut and tears cascading endlessly out of her eyes. Where I had become angry and dangerously unhinged, she had become sorrowful and had tried to end her life on several occasions. I could only imagine the pain tearing at her heart.

    “Go get her, then. I will keep him alive for the both of us.” She wiped her eyes.

     I nodded, feeling empowered by her approval. I had many memories of seeing her with him. At the time, I had confused feelings about it. It wasn’t allowed, but there was something about it that made me feel warm.

    I climbed back up on the rooftop and lay on my belly again with my bow trained on the tramp’s front door. My mind began to wander as I waited for hours.

    *

    He shyly brought her a bouquet of flowers. She turned to him with a lovesick look in her eye. Elfs were not allowed to love anyone outside of their race, but neither Tyria nor he cared. Indeed, most elfs were repulsed by the idea of being courted by anyone outside our species, despite how much all of us loved him.

    *

    She emerged in the day without her guards handy. I targeted her head easily. My arrow was pulled taut.

    Put your weapon down! She is defenseless!

    I gritted my teeth through my tears. My hands were trembling. I sniffled and released the arrow with my suddenly nervous hands.

    It whizzed past the tramp’s head and thunked into the house behind her. I was disgusted and stunned. I never missed a target. I had failed him. My body went numb with fear.

    Dozens of eyes looked my way, but I was nowhere to be found. I was already gone.

    *

    I sobbed hysterically a little ways back down the Sunny Mountain, burying my head in my knees miserably. “Why do you still warn me away from killing? Why won’t you let me continue to sully my hands and my soul as I always have? Why do you protect this cruel woman who is so far from your ideals?”

    I had been in so many wars for the Dark Woods. So many deaths within those battles, so many lives I had taken. None had ever brought my mind to ruin. None had ever hurt me so bad as to reduce me to a wisp, weeping for a dead faerie boy.

    I wondered, why was he so special?  Why had he had such a profound effect on me? Was it his principles that I had always scornfully scoffed at?

    I had only known the boy for a few months. He had lived with us in the Dark Woods all his life, but I only knew him well for a few months when he was my student. I tearfully looked at the clouds blanketing night sky and remembered the day he told me he wanted to be a soldier like me.

    *

    He put his hands on my wound and they glowed with otherworldly power.

    “I’ve seen you on the battlefield when you were defending the city—you’re reckless and scary. I swear, you look like a charging water buffalo! I think you need someone to protect you out there.”

    I was surprised by the chuckle that escaped my lips. “And who’s going to protect me? You?”

    He nodded cheerily. “That’s the plan. Nobody is a better healer than me. I just need you to teach me swordplay. Besides, you know my healing powers are better than any elf’s in the city. I’d be an invaluable asset on the battlefield.”

    “A faerie on the battlefield? You’re only fiver-feet-tall. Your bones are brittle, and besides; aren’t you a pacifist?” I replied.

    He shrugged. “I just want to know swordplay for self-defense. You’re the best warrior in the village, right? You always look like you relish the fight. You need someone to keep you alive out there.”

    “You think I relish violence?” I was surprised.

    “I know you do. You’re very angry about something.” He lowered his green eyes with a frown.

    *

    Yes I was angry. Even with my muted Elfen feelings, I was always so angry. I was born in the sun with my half-sister, and relished those delights for the first hundred years of my life. Nobody had to work on the mountain, nobody had to starve or suffer. Everything was provided for us by the God who favors the Sun Elfs.

    Night Elfs were not allowed to live on the Sunny Mountain, nor Sun Elfs in the Dark forest. My father was a prince of the sun, however, and therefore I was allowed to live in the sun with him for a time. Mother was a Night Elf peasant.

    But I was also an abomination. Night elfs and Sun elfs should never mix, I was taught. They made destructive creatures who sought blood; who were horrible, black creatures at their core… creatures who would never be satisfied with any small amount of blood shed. I was banished from the Sun for harming my half-sister. I harmed her for the simple delight of harming her, and for that I had to live with mother in the darkness.

    We worked our hands raw like all Night Elfs. The God who favored the Night Elfs did nothing for us. He wanted us to grow and become strong on our own two feet. And we did so.

    I was treated differently wherever I went due to mixed heritage as my face held features of the Sun. It was easy to distrust me. I was loved nowhere.

    And this was where my pent-in rage had brought me.  If I was bred to murder, why then, was I so unsure? Why couldn’t I put an end to this tramp? What was this doubt creeping into my heart?

    “I want to avenge you…” I sobbed to myself. “I won’t miss next time.”

    But his voice was echoing in my head.

    “I don’t care about killing! I don’t care about protecting my homeland! I care about saving lives! I care about people! Why do you take no prisoners? Why don’t you send these men and women back to their loved ones?” The boy cried angrily.

    “Elfs don’t possess rash emotions like you, boy. Lower your blade.” I replied cruelly. “We take no prisoners because our race is pure. There is no nobler goal than protecting sacred Elfen ground; to deny that is treason.”

    “But you are one of them! You have the blood of both races in your veins! Don’t look disgusted; it is a fine thing to have! It is a symbol of love despite differences!”

    “My parents ended up trying to kill one another before they split up. My blood is nothing but a curse. Stop trying to find goodness where there is none. Just do your job.” I said to him coldly.

    He looked away like he was disappointed in me. Like nothing else had before, that look cut me to the core. I didn’t want the student to be disappointed in the master.

    I slept well that night, contemplating my next attempt on her life.

    *

    I hunted nowhere near her house after my blunder. But Sun Elfs had nothing to do with their time but eat, sleep, play games, practice their chosen learned weapon, and make love. At noon, they would all be heading to their Sun God and begging for food. I merged with the big crowd heading to the courtyard in which the Sun God appeared every day.

    I kept a sharp eye trained for the wretch. This was my best chance to silently kill her. I could leave her body in the midst to rot until the crowd dispersed and someone noticed.

    I had forgotten how beautiful the Sunny City was; it was bathed in yellow sunshine beating down cheerily upon the perfectly kept stone houses and lush green ground. There was a warm breeze that gently rustled the viridian trees and always the scent of roses lingered in the air. I relished those delights for the first time in thousands of years as I went with the crowd. I wondered if he would have liked it here. I was sure he would. It was all sunshine and smiles like he was. I daydreamed as I walked through the crowd, resting in peaceful memories.

    *

    Our wooden swords clashed together. He was getting better at this point, and his skill with the blade was certainly improving, but if I weren’t holding back, he would have lost his grip on his sword several times. He simply wasn’t strong enough to be on the battlefield. He held his own for ten sword swings and then I began using my full strength and he lost his grip.

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    He was panting, and he sighed. “You’re so strong…”

    I had really mellowed on him at this point, and I knelt down to his eye-level compassionately. “You shouldn’t be in a war… Faeries are peaceful, solitary creatures. They heal people and make plants grow. They aren’t meant to take lives.”

    He looked at me confidently. “I’m not giving up now. I’m getting stronger; I can feel it!”

    It was that male arrogance and confidence that was distorting his views. Many elfen males were like that too. They all thought they were invincible, which generally did make them better on the battlefield, but also ten times more vulnerable. He felt like he was my height and just as strong; he thought he would eventually be able to compete with me, even though he consistently told me he only wanted to be strong enough to defend himself and others on the battlefield.

    I sighed, worried for his future. I got to my feet and clasped my hands behind my back. “Why does this mean so much to you?”

    “I told you; I just want to help save lives. This battle with the Sun Elfs is claiming thousands of them!“

    “You have no notions of glory for yourself?” I asked skeptically.

    He looked me in the eyes with a brilliant smile and told me, “that’s all it is for me. Life would be better without death always looming over our heads, don’t you think?”

    What he said was true. What he said changed me. What he said made me reevaluate who I was. I was his master, but he was teaching me. He was teaching me more valuable things than I was him. I was teaching him how to take life and he was teaching me to preserve it.

    *

    I came back to reality with something sharp poking my back.

    I froze.

    In front of me and around me, none of the crowd noticed. The Sun God did not notice either. He appeared, fifty-feet-tall, radiant and beautiful as ever, with shining hair, piercing eyes, and a translucent golden body in the courtyard. He was blessing all the elfs, one-by-one, with some grand amount of food.

     “This is quite clumsy work for someone of your talent, Sister. I could kill you where you stand.” I could hear the smirk in her voice.

    I was angry. Incredibly angry. I was frothing at the mouth. Here she was, within reach, and I had failed. She had me. “Why are you here, Creature? Are you here about that poor boy you failed? That insignificant boy whose life is so small and meaningless in the end? That boy should have meant nothing to you. It’s like you are mortal now…” She taunted me with a hideous chuckle and whispered in my ear. “Do you remember? How weak he was… How thoroughly and quickly he went? He never could have guessed.”

    I was in tears. I said with a sniffle, “if you’re going to kill me hussy, go ahead and do it. But you are not fit to speak of him.”

    She angrily pressed the knife closer to my back. I closed my eyes, ready to die. She breathed in sharply and furiously. “You know what? I think I’ll bring you to the dungeon first.”

     “For torture?” I followed. “You really are despicable.”

    “Come now, Sister. I am giving you a chance to redeem yourself. If you behave in prison, we may just let you become one of us again. We wouldn’t want to kill one of our own, after all.” The tramp said cheerfully.

    “I am not your sister. I will never be your sister. Blood means nothing. And I would sooner die than rot away in your prison.” I said plainly.

    She didn’t care; she shepherded me to the dungeon.

    *

    I spent a week in the dungeon. They were starving me. They gave me the tiniest portions of the most rancid food to live on along with the least amount of water. It was the worst pain I could ever imagine, and worst of all; it would end in my death. She had no intention of sparing me.

    I leaned against the grimy dungeon wall with a vacant expression. I wanted it to end. I couldn’t stop thinking of my slow and painful impending death and the hunger seething in my stomach, but more than that, I couldn’t stop thinking of how I had failed my dear student.

    We had trained together for months. I had gotten to know him so well. He would consistently spout his opinions and ideals on things, and I thought he was naïve and foolish. Some of what he said went against our elfen ideals and principles. It bordered on treason at times. And yet, I listened. I listened and loved what he had to say. The city had raised him, and yet he still had his own different values.

    Elfs thought of animals as little more than food, and yet he thought of them as something sacred with a soul of their own. He told me he wouldn’t eat meat.

    Elfs had children with random mates but never formed long term relationships. The faerie told me that that was why so many of us turned out as killing machines; why so many of us felt so little. We formed no meaningful attachments, and went through life alone.

    Elfs had a common goal; destroy all imperfections in the world. Anything that was not elf was not perfect.

    We hadn’t managed to eliminate any other species yet, but we had managed to keep their populations down. There were few humans, there were few faeries, and there were few dwarfs. Elfs had far outnumbered them in the past, but of late, Elfs had a fertility problem and were dwindling as well. The few wars we managed to have were calculated—only wars we could definitely win were fought.

    But, when it came to the baby faerie boy who appeared at our doorstep one day… something happened to us Elfs. We were going to kill it like we would any other creature, but it smiled at us. It grabbed our hair. It laughed and cried. It was adorable. Elfen babies were not like that.

    We couldn’t kill such a creature. We kept it. This boy was different.

    Nobody can explain why certain things and certain people are special, but something about that special thing or person buries its way into your soul. It changes your mind, and the very rules by which you operate. He had undermined my entire viewpoint on life. I knew he wouldn’t have wanted me hunting this woman. I knew he would have wanted me to spend my life doing something good and kind—but here I was, sitting in a grimy, filthy cell waiting to die.

    I looked up at the ceiling and took a deep breath with teary eyes. What was I doing?

    *

    We fought the Sun Elfs valiantly. We had the advantage because we knew the terrain of our home, the Dark Forest. The faerie boy stuck close to me like I told him do.

    I was fighting a particularly tall, male Sun Elf. His armor was heavy, and I could use that against him. I did quick jabs to his torso and hid under my shield when he brought his mace down. The shield was weighing me down however, and I tossed it after the first few blows.

    I went in full force, dancing around the tall man and poking the chinks in his armor. I thought I had him until he quickly kicked my shin and brought his mace down upon my torso in the same moment.

    I thought I was done for—I bled like I’d never bled before—was this the end of the most powerful Night Elf warrior?

    As it turned out, it wasn’t. The faerie boy swung his sword in a long side-sweeping arc, cutting the tall sun elf’s leg clean through. The tall man fell over with a groan of pain, and I saw the faerie struggle with finishing him off. He stared blankly for a moment, and then he sheathed his sword and turned to me instead. He put his hands on my stomach and healed me.

    Luckily, a Night Elf ran to assist and sliced the Sun Elf’s throat.

    The faerie boy watched with a heavy frown.

    I was in pain, but I managed to splutter, “you should have killed him.”

    “I knew someone else would…” He sighed. “Besides, I had a suicidal maniac to take care of. That man doubled your height.”

    *

    I awoke to the hussy staring me in the face. She was gripping the bars with a furrowed brow. “Why are you smiling…? What are you feeling?”

    “You’d like to know, wouldn’t you? You’d like to know what makes a person happy, right?” I replied tauntingly.

    She looked into my eyes with confusion and offense. “Elfs have no need for base emotions like those. Have you truly forgotten your heritage? Are you a lowly human now? Are you a foolish, filthy, faerie?”

    “Maybe I am. Maybe that’s a good thing.” I said, crossing my arms, the shackles barely allowing me to touch them together. “Elfs just make the world worse…”

    The sunny haired elfess looked aghast; she didn’t have the capacity to understand anything other than the beliefs hammered into our species from generation-to-generation. What I was saying was sacrilege.

    “If you admit what you just said is wrong and immoral, I will spare you and kill you now.” The tramp suggested.

    I looked away. “I would rather die in agony than betray my beliefs.”

    She shook furiously. I was surprised to elicit such a rise out of her.

    “You would betray everything for a lower lifeform’s memory? A lower lifeform who only lives forty years at best like a common beast? Then it’s settled. I will first remind you of the correct Elfen beliefs, and then I will kill you.” She was gritting her bright teeth hideously.

    I knew why she was angry. She craved what I was feeling. She craved whatever the faerie had given me that made me feel more than nothing at all. She was jealous that I had something she could not touch or take or ever have for herself.

     The tramp thought deeply for a moment, and then she smirked. “Tell me what the hierarchy of the world is. Who reigns at the top, and who belongs at the bottom?”

    I shrugged. “I don’t care who reigns at the top or bottom. I think everyone is on equal ground at birth.”

    The Sun Elfess couldn’t believe her ears. She challenged me. “Who has the most perfect height, the perfect hair, the perfect core values? Were we not put on this world to eradicate imperfections?”

    “If we were, I want no part in it. I won’t be responsible for the death of the species my precious student came from.” I answered calmly.

    The Sun Elfess turned her nose up in disgust. “Were you in love with that empty spirit? That shell with no depth who knew nothing about the world?”

    “I did not love him romantically. I loved him because I loved teaching him and spending time with him. I loved looking after him. I loved that he taught me things that can’t be taught by Elfs. I wanted to teach him so much more; I had so much so show him and him me… and you took him away. How did it feel to kill an innocent with a full life ahead of him? How did it feel to look into those loving eyes and kill the boy who saved your life?” I demanded.

    Her mouth was opened wide. I got through to her a little. She felt something, if only for a second. She turned her back and said, “I shall tell the guard to give you even less food.” Before leaving.

    I grinned a little with a cheerful sigh and closed my eyes; crossing my ankles and folding my hands in my lap. It had taken me so long to get here, and now I was going to die, but I could die without an evil cloud hanging in my head. I could die with the same feelings and goodness that my beloved student had. I could die a good woman like he had a good man. Somehow those feelings of anger were dissipating.

    *

    I fixed the grip on his sword with a little smile after his first battle. “Hold it more like this, so you don’t lose your grip.”

    He fixed his grip while returning my smile. “I like to see you smile. I thought you were just a grumpy old lady…”

    I looked at him intently, and then said, “use both hands. You’ll have a better grip.”

    He obeyed. His form was good, but he looked so harmless… So weak. My smile turned into a frown.

    My student glanced up at me curiously. “What’s wrong?”

    “I… I don’t want you to die. Can you please just stay in the city?” I pleaded, unexpected tears coming to my eyes.

    He sheathed his sword. “I’m not going to die, Etris. I have too many people to save on the field; too many friends who would be broken up about my death, even if they would never show it outwardly. Tyria, too. And a master who I respect deeply. Don’t cry…”

    He threw his arms around my waist and my heart melted. He awakened feelings that were previously dead inside me. Love bloomed inside my heart for the first time in all my life. That feeling was priceless. This was why Elfs existed; to find love, not to wipe out other species we determined were imperfect. Faeries could not be a worthless species if they inspired something more useful and binding than any Elf ever could.

    That was when I cast aside my heritage. That was when I embraced love.

    I did not understand how he could grow up among us and yet have such a different view on life; how his feelings and ideals could remain intact and unique despite the people he lived with.. Was this how all faeries thought, or just him?

    *

    I didn’t know how much time had passed, but it felt like a month. I was wasting away and thirsting for water. My lips were chapped, my hair and clothes were filthy, and the stink of the dungeon was overwhelming.

    My sister routinely visited and jealously kept asking me about the boy. She probed and pried as to how I seemed so at peace while I was dying. She wanted to know what brought about my happiness because she wanted it for herself. She couldn’t get it out of her mind.

    “What was it about him that allowed you to cast aside everything important to the Elfs?” She demanded.

    “Compassion.” I replied.

    “What was it about him that allows you to smile at a time like this?” She wanted to know.

    “Humor and kindness.” I answered.

    Each time she came, she sounded less-and-less annoyed, and more-and-more curious. Slowly, she was coming around. Although she would never admit it, she wanted to have what I had by any means.

    Eventually, she sat down outside my cell and stayed for hours, asking all she could about the boy. I realized this was my chance.

    “Tell me why he was so different despite the fact he should have behaved like any elf?” My sister asked drowsily, her eyes closed.

    “Inborn resilience and goodness. I don’t think it had anything to do with the fact he was a different species…” I murmured as I slowly crawled closer to her and silently reached my hands through the bars.

    “Tell me how I can achieve such a feat?” She asked sleepily.

    I grabbed her head and quickly slammed it against the bars. She was knocked out. I grabbed the ring of keys she always held in her hands—often she had used them to taunt me. Nervously, and with shaking hands, I jingled the keys in the lock and freed myself.

    I took the sword from my sister’s sheath and held it high in the air, ready to strike. Angry tears streamed down my dirty cheeks.

    My hands trembled.

    My mind took me back to that moment when my life changed. That moment my mind was destroyed.

    *

    In the midst of a gigantic battle just out of the Dark Forest City, I clashed swords with my sister. We had been fighting for minutes. It was extremely tiring. Our skills were matched perfectly.

    I decided to play defense for a bit. I blocked all her swings and conserved my energy. She was getting angrier and angrier and eventually she put all her strength into three sword swings, trying to knock the sword from my hand—she was sweating and trembling after her failure and I took the opportunity to wear her down until she was so tired she dropped her blade and fell to her knees, accepting her fate.

    I was ready to take her life. I gripped my blade firmly and brought it down.

    It clanged with the boy’s sword. “Lower your weapon! She is defenseless! More than that—this is your sister!”

    “Get out of my way!” I demanded. “I’ve wanted to kill her for ages! Blood means nothing!”

    “If you kill her, you’ll regret it forever! You’ll never stop thinking about her lifeless eyes looking at you pleadingly!” He advised me determinedly.

    “What do you know? You know nothing of life or life’s sufferings! You are twenty-three-years-old! You have no wisdom to give or share; how do you know what I will or will not regret! I haven’t regretted any life I have ever taken, why should hers be different!”

    “I know you regret every life you’ve taken! I know it eats at your very—” A sword struck through his stomach and he fell over.

    My sister stood up, her sword dripping red and then dashed away through the battling crowd.

    I dropped my blade, too stunned to feel anything but shock. Tears welled in my eyes, and a lump formed in my throat. His dead green eyes stared back at me pleadingly as I hefted the body onto my lap. I looked away with a hideous sob.

    *

    My sister opened her eyes. “Do it. I see now it was wrong to kill that kind boy. Take your revenge, Sister. Tell me one thing before you do; why do you never speak his name?”

    I kept my blade poised to strike with anger in my heart.

    But the question she asked was enthralling. Was it because his name was too painful to say? If I didn’t use his name, I was safe.

    I was safe from the worst emotions consuming me. I was safe from those suicidal and destructive feelings that kept me from seeking revenge.

    If I didn’t use his name, I didn’t have to embrace his ideals. I wouldn’t have to drop my blade and spare this wretched creature cowering below me.

    But I did remember his name. It echoed in my mind when she asked.

    I tossed my sword aside. “Goodbye, Sister. Have a good life.”

    I cast aside all cruel emotions and the anger consuming me from the inside out as I ran from the city. My hair and body were covered in filth, but I was clean. My soul was saved.

    To live a good life was a fitting revenge...

    I smiled as I ran. 

    Shyama.