Zoe formed a chair of wood and earth to sit on in her spare room — at some point she’d fill the empty room with some furniture and maybe a rug. A table rose up from the wooden floors in front of her, and she summoned the book she borrowed from the pink library, with a question popping up in her mind.

Where was the pink library? Somewhere near the southwest of the city, but she’d wandered so much before she decided to settle down that she wasn’t sure she’d even be able to find her way back if she tried. She didn’t need to take the book back anyway, they’d be fine if she never returned it as long as she didn’t expect to take out any more books until she did.

But it was the principle of the matter, for her. Libraries were to be respected, if you took a book from them you returned it. They spread knowledge and wisdom that people needed access to, and taking that knowledge for herself, however small a piece of it, just felt wrong.

She shrugged. One day, she’d wander around down there to return it. For now, she wasn’t even done with it anyway.

Feats and you, a guide to all things feats.

Jeremy Sprong

Yo yo yo, wassup my homie gs? J dawg back again with another guidebook for you. This time, we’re covering feats. What are feats, you ask? Pfft, dawg don’t even worry. They’re extra skills for you and me, boons you get for free.

‘J dawg?’ Zoe questioned. She’d only skimmed through the book at the library, and saw it had some interesting feats she’d like to learn more about. She skimmed forward past the introduction about feats and into more of the bits that interested her.

There are some feats you’re going to want to get, pronto. On the now, immediately. Master of Seasons, just stay outside for a year. Don’t go under no roofs, no tents. Find a nice place to relax and chill for a year. Go find a dungeon outside and slaughter stuff for a year. Check out my Dungeons and you guide for some pro tips on dungeons.

Best part about these ones? They’re so damn easy if you just suck it up, you can even work on other feats while you’re doing it. Like Berserker. Punch five hundred different people. Or animals. Or creatures. No gloves, no weapons, nothing. Just go punch some guys. Or girls. I’m all for that equality, man.

Zoe scoffed, feeling a little insulted. They’re easy if you’re not stuck at level eight, maybe.

If you got five hundred friends like me, then it’s even easier, just punch them all once. With your fist, your raw fist. No magic, no nothing. Make a day of it, get five hundred of your friends out and have a big punch fest for a bit. It’ll be great, I promise. And you’ll get the Berserker feat out of it. Extra punching power.

And if you got a healing skill, heal them all after you punch them for the Healer feat. I bet there’s even more for doing five hundred things. I tried cutting people five hundred times but that didn’t give me anything. Maybe you have to cut them a specific way. Try that, but don’t kill people. Actually scratch that, totally kill five hundred people. Maybe you’ll get something out of it. But like, only people who are okay with it. Or bad people.

Zoe skimmed forward a few more pages till she saw something else that caught her eye.

Alright folks, we’re gonna get into some more complicated ones now. Enough of that easy garbage. A bunch of skill levels? Who cares. Punching some guys? Whatever. We’re in the real stuff here. This first one, you’re gonna need my Dungeons and you guide for, but you need to be the first person to clear a dungeon. You get the Trailblazer feat out of it, which gets you extra stat points when you clear dungeons AND a bonus to class quality. It’s incredible, but you’re gonna have to go find a dungeon nobody’s clear.

I say, you find a dungeon that’s being made, then rush down the boss. You get another feat for that, for extra rewards when you clear that dungeon. Not the biggest deal, but it adds up if you’re really pushing for those rewards.

But the feat that I think is the best, beyond every other one I’ve had. The feat that stands at the top of my (enormous) list of feats absolutely must be the bringer series. Firebringer, Icebringer. Incredible feats, hugenormous bonuses to elemental affinity, but very hard to get. Before I tell you how, I need you to promise you’re not going to do something stupid, okay?

You promise? If you don’t, skip three pages ahead. This is too much power for you to have if you can’t do that.

Zoe rolled her eyes and chuckled. “I promise.” Her eyes widened as she felt a small pulse of mana rush from her hands into the book only to vanish a moment later. She looked around her room, and checked outside with her sphere of perception. On closer inspection, the book did seem to be drawing in the slightest hint of mana. Just barely a trickle of it, the wisps that passed through it dimming an almost imperceptible amount.

The book was enchanted? Had she just signed herself up for something unwittingly? She bit her lip as she turned her focus inwards, looking through the essence of her being. Her soul, as she thought it. She paid extra attention to everything she saw, taking hours to look through every square inch of her soul for the slightest indication of something being attached to her.

But she found nothing. Whatever happened was either well beyond her ability to detect, or didn’t interact with her beyond stealing away a tiny bit of mana. Was that a problem? What could somebody gather from her mana?

To her understanding, maybe they could identify her? Know who she was? Perhaps they could piece it apart and tell something about her classes, or the makeup of her soul but she doubted it. Maybe they could get some information about her level, her appearance perhaps.

The book itself would have information, it could know its location. It could know the appearance and voice of whoever spoke, maybe even how they were behaving.

This text was taken from Royal Road. Help the author by reading the original version there.

So if any information was just sent to somebody, this ‘J dawg’ she supposed. Then it wouldn’t be the end of the world, probably. They’d know where she was. That’s fine, lots of people knew where she was. They’d know what she looked like. That’s fine too. Maybe they’d know her level or a hint of information about her classes. That’s a little less fine, but those aren’t all that secret anyway.

It was concerning, but there was nothing she could do about it. And at least as far as she was aware, there was no way for it to be a danger to her aside from random acts of violence. Maybe this J Dawg wanted to come attack whoever read the book. A little scary, but random acts of violence were always a risk and not worth worrying about.

She decided to take it at face value. She made a promise, and whoever wrote this book was interested in her keeping that promise.

Okay. You have to slaughter an entire town using the specific element. Not some small village, an actual town. Like a proper town. You’ve gotta kill most of the people in it. Like eighty percent, maybe? Some of them can run away and that’s okay, but you’ve gotta kill almost everybody in it. Eight hundred plus people, at least. I haven’t found the specific number, but its somewhere around there.

This is hard, okay. Not in the way that the action is difficult. It’s not. It’s really easy. Summon some elementals, raze a town or city to the ground, problem solved.

But if I find out you read my guide and then killed an entire city of innocent people, I will find you, and I will kill you. I might not do it today. I might not do it tomorrow. But I will find you, and you will regret your decision.

So anyway, the easiest way I’ve found to do it is to find a dungeon with a city theme. Come in, slaughter some dungeon creatures with your element of choice and Jill’s your aunt. Don’t use any other elements, though. If you want Firebringer, you have to use ONLY fire to slaughter them. I’m serious here. If you have some passive skills that aren’t fire, disable them. Resistances are okay to keep, but literally everything else has to be disable. You have to only use the element.

Zoe’s mind flashed to the springs of gir. That was probably a large enough city for the feat. So was Foizo on the Moon, probably. She thought back to the Fire Elemental that destroyed Flester. Was that a natural disaster? There was also a Frost Elemental several years prior. Were they both just natural disasters, or was somebody trying to get a feat out of it?

Also, summon elementals? That was a thing people could do, in the first place? How was that possible? Were they different skills, or was it just a mastery of the elemental skill itself?

If you want ideas for some elemental skills, then check out my Skills and you guide, alright? And while we’re at it, I’ll let you in on a little secret. You ready? It’s gonna blow your mind. You know why I write all these books?

It’s for feats! Well, it was for feats. But now it’s just cause I like doing it. I like knowing all you little loremasters are out there reading my books, preparing yourself for the great disaster. Don’t forget to check out my Great Disaster and you guide too, so you know what that’s all about. It’s absolutely real and you should make sure you’re ready for it. Not gonna spoil anything, but the world? Its flat. And we’re falling. Don’t forget to check out my guide.

Zoe made a note to see if the pink library had that book. She doubted this ‘Great Disaster’ was real — or if it was, this book was from another planet. Zoe had personally seen this planet for herself, and it was not flat. But it sounded like a fun read, at least.

I get all kinds of crazy feats from writing these books. You all read them, and the system knows. It KNOWS! The system is crazy, yo. It knows you read my book, and it gives me feats for it. I’ve got three so far. The first was Author. That was when I published my first book — I woke up one day and was given the superstar feat that let me restructure the world and I used it to form my very own harem and then saved everybody from the evil demon king that was ravaging the town I grew up in as a child. You should totally check it out, I’m almost at a hundred copies sold and I would love to get there on one of my books one day.

The feat doesn’t do anything besides being for class requirements. But then I started writing more books.

Zoe skimmed past several pages of obnoxiously long novel titles that seemed to spoil the entire book before his ramblings finally finished.

And then married the prince as my five hundredth husband. Anyway, I kept writing and I kept publishing these books. Kept putting them out in the world for all of you to read. And eventually, a thousand of you read my books. And that gave me another feat. Meister. I think you’d get the Meister feat for just making anything you want. You could probably sell drawings, but I wrote books.

So anyway, it’s super cool yo. What it does is it lets me imbue effects into my books. Just simple things, though. Like they can just look a little nicer, draw the eye a little more. Stuff like that. But that’s so cool, you know? Like you ever just seen a book and thought “Wow that’s a nice book?" Yeah! Cause somebody probably had the Meister feat and made it look like a nice book.

But I didn’t stop there, I kept writing. I wrote like I was running out of time, wrote day and night and eventually a hundred thousand of you read my books. And let me tell you, that’s something special. I wanna thank all of you for the help you’ve given me. It means so much to me.

And it got me the Storyteller feat. Technically, you just have to tell a story to a hundred thousand people. But I did it with books. I think it’s supposed to be in person, but it still works through books! I don’t know why, but it does. Anyway it’s super cool. It tells me things about the people I tell stories to. Like you, the people reading my books yo!

I know you dawg! Not really, but I know a bit about you now! I know how you’re feeling about the book. I know where you were when you read it. I know what bits you liked and didn’t like. It’s really crazy at first, but you learn to drown it out and focus on the bits that are important. At least if you’re as good at it as me, but I’m sure you are, homie g!

So anyway, that’s everything you need to know about feats! Don’t forget to check out all my other guide books for everything you need to know on everything! I cover everything from drawing to sleeping, yo! I’m an expert on all things existing and I’m not afraid to share it. I’m gonna take a break from the guidebooks for a few weeks and slam out a couple fantasy novels for you all to enjoy, but then we’ll be right back to it with another guide.

I’m thinking it’s gonna be a Sewing and you guidebook. Let me know what you think. Anyway, that’s all yo! Thanks for reading and good luck feat hunting! And as always, remember to be prepared for the Great Disaster. It IS coming, and you don’t wanna be caught with your pants down!

Zoe slammed the book shut and rolled her eyes. The author was more than a little eccentric, but there were quite a few feats that seemed interesting in it, if they were real. Part of Zoe thought it was all made up, but the pulse of mana when she said she promised made her think he wasn’t all talk.