There was once a woman named Emilia. She was a very poor and depressed woman. One day she saw a very disgusting man. But he was rich, so Emilia was like, “So what?” So she got married to him. She moved to a large manor.

But her esposo was very rude to her. So she killed him. They were only two years into their marriage with one child.

She got the manor all to herself and her one child. She struggled to keep up with the bills, though. She needed a man to help her get through this.

One day, as she was thinking about this, there was a knock at the front door. It had been one year since her husband was murdered by her own hands. She went to answer the door.

Standing there on her front porch was the most handsome man she had ever seen. Muy guapo.

The guy was like, “Yo, what’s up? You care to buy some of this beef jerky? It’s really good.”

Emilia bought some of this beef jerky, and then she asked the man an unusual question, since they had just met: “You want to go out sometime?”

The man was stunned and didn’t know what to say. “Um, sure, I guess.”

Emilia smiled. “Alright, I’ll see you tomorrow, I guess.” She shut the door.

The next day, the man came over to pick up Emilia for their date. The man, whose name Emilia learned was Marco, found out that Emilia wasn’t all that bad. It actually turned out that he really liked her.

So after six months of dating, the moment finally came: Marco asked Emilia if they could get married. She said yes, of course.

They got married. Yay! Oh, happy day!

They stayed together for a long while, having five new children, two of which were twins. The man continued to sell beef jerky, but moved up the ranks in his business quickly. Eventually, he made three times as much as he made when he was just a door-to-door salesman.

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The family was happy for a long time, the oldest child becoming the age of thirteen when a tragic event took place in the family.

The father died.

They had a funeral, in which many of the snacks were the beef jerky products the father sold.

Emilia was overtaken by sorrow and refused to leave her house for many months after the funeral. When she finally did come out, she was paler than when she was last seen. She walked out to a river in her backyard. She was thinking about committing suicide when she saw her six children coming out to see what was going on.

Fear and sorrow overtook her. She started to hallucinate. Were those six pieces of beef jerky walking toward her?

She felt angry. Beef jerky, the item her husband used to sell. How dare these six pieces of walking meat try to mock her?

She grabbed each one and threw them into the river, one at a time, starting with the largest and most difficult. With each one, she heard the cry of one of her children. After she had gotten rid of them all, the anger left, along with some sorrow and fear. Then she went back into the house. She looked and called for her children for several hours. “Miguel! Maria! ¿Dónde estan?”

She couldn’t find them. She thought back to what would have happened to her children.

Then she remembered the children-sized beef jerky. Oh, those must have been her children! Emilia knew that she had taken them to swim lessons a few times before. They must know how to swim.

She went back to the river, expecting to see her children.

They weren’t there, nor were they anywhere else along the river.

Emilia had just killed her six beautiful children.

Emilia knelt to the ground and weeped for her children. “Cursed beef jerky!” she cried. “Why must you be so cruel!”

She wept for several days and nights, then finally died of sadness, anger, fear, and, of course, dehydration. Oh, and also hunger. Severe hunger and dehydration. Yeah, all of those were reasons she died.

She awoke as a spirit and now roams the river and her town, calling for the spirits of her children. And the spirit of her husband. And also cursing beef jerky and its terrible mockery of her.

Now, kids, don’t go out to the river. You may never know if La Llorona is waiting to curse your beef jerky frame and then throw you into the river.