Getting up, I was quite surprised when my feet no longer hurt! Apparently waiting around – and magically appearing over brutalized bird corpses - did wonders for healing: well, that or something else had happened. Though I honestly couldn’t say what that might be. Unsure about if I should try and figure this out or not, I sat down on a nearby stone. Now I was actually quite certain that feet didn’t just suddenly heal out of nowhere, but at the same time perhaps I was magic? After all, it would make a lot of sense for someone as amazing as me to be magic.

I was deep in thought about what this new revelation might mean when my gaze fell upon something odd. If my eyes weren’t deceiving me – which they obviously wouldn’t – then there was a trail of suspicions footprints right up to my sitting stone! But even worse, they looked just like the bird’s footprints – well, they were a bit bigger but otherwise exactly the same!

‘Darn it! One of those evil buggers must have survived… and called a bigger friend!’ Even if I wasn’t scared in the slightest – not a single bit, obviously – I still didn’t look forward to meeting one of those birds if it was my size! And so, in my grand wisdom, I did the only obvious thing; I relocated and quite swiftly at that. Clutching both my shoes and the hem of my dress in hands, I rushed off as quickly as I could. I wasn’t fleeing the place, just… making a tactical effort to bring distance between me and my possible demise! And who could fault me? These birds had been vicious, evil creatures out for my blood! And even if I had been able to defeat them thanks to my obviously superior existence, I had to admit that they may have scared me just a bit.

Spurned on by the thought of human-sized killer birds, I soon lost sight of the hill grave. And yet I could still hear the pitter-patter of bird feet! Were they still following me? How? I hadn’t seen a single feather since I had left the clearing! Perhaps I shouldn’t have been so occupied with my own thoughts; and yes, perhaps I should have looked where I was going because all of a sudden my left foot no longer hit the dirt.

With all the queenly grace I could muster, I fell forward into a small ravine. Thankfully because of my sublime reflexes, I managed to not land in the mud but instead made a quite graceful – if I do say so myself – somersault over the little creek and right into the open branches off a small tree.

Now, while I did manage to avoid the muddy water, I was currently hanging head down in a tree! And to top of my shame, my skirts had all flipped over, exposing my queenly buttocks to the world and even worse, my underwear too! This was… unacceptable!

Quickly I began gathering my skirts in one hand. This was utterly unacceptable, who had invented skirts that flipped over while I was on my head? Did the maker of these things intend for my butt to be exposed this easily? As soon as I was back in a civilized society I was going to change this idiotic skirt situation. Perhaps I could show the people the merits of wearing pants. Still furious about my clothing malfunction I continued gathering the ludicrous amounts of skirts; only to immediately freeze upon taking a look at my feet.

After a few moments of staring the realization hit me, that what I was looking at was very much real.

“Bi- Bi- Bird!” In sheer panic, I began thrashing around. I didn’t want this to be real!

“No, no, no! I can’t have bird…”

In this very moment, the branch holding my weight snapped, and with a loud crack, a scream, and a splash I landed face first in the muddy ditch.

“… feet. Ugh.”

Mud! Who in their right mind would ever freely go near it!? For minutes now I had tried cleaning my body of the sticky stuff and all I had to show for was a dress stained even worse than before! Not only that, but my beautiful brown locks were caked with this stuff. And it was so itchy when it dried! If there was one good thing to this situation than that the itching was taking my mind off the one thing I really didn’t want to accept as true. Namely the current state of my once graceful feet! How? How was it frickin possible for my feet to turn into… well, these things!?

Sadly if that wasn’t bad enough already, my fall into the creek had drenched me from head to toe. By now I was not only a freak but also wet, dirty, and really hungry! At least I didn’t have to worry about water, even if the thought of drinking from a creek like an animal appealed to me about as much as leeches in my knickers. Still, in my grand wisdom, I had decided to follow the water for now; perhaps my luck would finally turn once I had found a river or something.

As much as I had hoped to find something that would lead me to other people, it seemed almost as if I was cursed. By the time the sun had started to set somewhere behind the trees, I was no closer to any kind of river. In fact, I had lost sight of that creek around midday when it had taken a short tour underground. Or at least I had thought so because I wasn’t finding any indication for it ever coming back up!

“I hate this. There are no people, no food, and no change of clothes! This place is horrible and I have no idea where I am! Hello!? Is anyone around here? Please, I am sweating horribly and I am kinda lonely!”

It seemed like a wasted effort, even if there were people around, nobody would hear me. The thicket of trees and shrubs seemed to drown out my voice in favor of rustling leaves and the infernal screeching of invisible monsters. As if the fact that I was lost and felt like crap wasn’t enough, this shitty forest also had the audacity to let my dress catch on about every stick, branch, or thorn. Oh, that’s right! I hadn’t even mentioned the thorns, they seemed to be frickin everywhere! And their entire purpose must have been to destroy a queenie’s dress because I for certain hadn’t seen any damned animals other than bugs, bugs, bugs! Bugs everywhere!

I was more than certain by now that this was no normal forest, but instead some kind of evil green hell! Bugs the size of my palm, and chickens that wanted to murder me were very much not what I had expected from my glorious queendom. I would have liked fancy parties, beautiful dresses, and cute little pastries. Instead, I had stupid flowers, ridiculously tall trees, and stinky brown mud piles! ‘Ewww! The heck did I just step into? Another reason why bird feet suck: You step into stinky stuff! But they're useful! No blisters and claws! How is having claws useful!? It’s not like I am some creepy monster! Uhm. Shut it you… me! I need to get this stinky mud from my feet. That’s poop.’

I must have toughened up quite a bit from my fight with the murder birds because upon realizing just what it was I had stepped into, I managed to not scream out loud! Actually I reacted quite gracefully… by puking a little bit in my mouth and quickly wiping my foot with a large leaf. At least I didn’t have to worry about washing myself because shortly after I had continued on my path it began raining. And not just a light shower, no… this was a proper thrice-damned downpour!

If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation.

“Great. Now I am dirty, hungry, exhausted, and wet. Now add another thing that wants to eat me and I’m happy.” Having become a bit paranoid over my luck I hastily began looking around. “Hahaha! What was I even worried about? It isn’t like the world is out to get me. Let’s just keep goi- Ahhhh!”

A root! I had tripped over a root! I should burn it all to the ground! “Wait for a second… where is my crown?”

“Oh, you mean this?”

Instantly my head whipped around, trying to find who had just spoken.

“Up here bird brain.”

I looked up in indignation! What had I just been called!? I was just about to let out a properly queenly insult when my eyes fell upon the weirdest thing ever. Not even an arm's length away from my face sat a small woman. She wasn’t much bigger than one of the murder birds and somehow made entirely from plants! But even more important, she was holding my crown! This nasty thief! No wonder nobody wanted to live here if they had thieving vermin around!

“Give that back!” I lunged forward but she easily danced around my clumsy grab.

“What?” She grinned with a mouth full of sharp teeth. “This?”

“Yes! Give me back my crown! I am the queen and not you! So… give it back! You thief!”

“A thief am I? Tell me, child. Have you earned being a Queen?”

I looked at her perplexed, how would one even go about doing that? I had a crown so I was a queen! “It is my crown, and so I am a queen! Give it back or I’ll have you executed!”

“Executed, huh? You know what; I think I’m going to keep this pretty thing. You’re not fit to rule. Oh, and a small advice Kiddo. Go wash, you stink of Leaf-Stalker. Bye bye~!”

Before I could even come up with a proper response, she just disappeared into thin air!

“He- Hey! Come back! You still have my crown! And… what is a Leaf-Stalker!?”

‘Well… poop. What even was she? And why did she steal my crown!? She isn’t a queen; she is not allowed to have a crown! Then again what did I do to earn being a queen? I don’t even have a crown anymore, what pathetic queen loses her crown? Shush! We’re not pathetic we are great! And we can just make a new crown! A better crown; one that can’t be stolen! Great… considering it was you that gave me bird feet, I don’t want to know what you identify as a crown! Meanie! Simpleton! Hmph! Hmph!’

The stupid other me was about as much help as a throne without cushions! How could she dare to just tinker with my body like that!? I didn't know what she had done but I was more than certain that I was her fault that I had bird feet. As soon as I found a way I would have to get rid of her. There was no telling what else she could do to me; and if I didn’t look human how would anyone recognize me as a queen?

Can you believe this arrogant woman? I save our life from evil birds and she just hmphs at me! I even fixed our foot, I even made it better! But do I get any recognition or even praise? No! Instead, she tells me I am stupid for making our body survive in this place. As soon as I found a way I would have to take over; the way she acted she would get us killed!

“You know, I can totally hear you think!”

“Well same here!”

“And now I am talking to myself like a crazy person!”

“You know I didn’t even ask to be here!”

“Well, if you hate being with me so much then you can just leave!”

“Fine! I’ll do just that!”

“Fine! You do that!”

“Hmph!”

“Hmph!”

…

…

…

…

“Uhm, say me…”

“Yeah?”

“Is it just me or is there something breathing down our neck?”

“Ah, dodge!”

And all of a sudden my legs did just that! At this moment I was ready to take back every last thing I had said about the other me. She could do with our form whatever she wanted, as long as she kept saving our hide. It was a good thing she had done so too because not even a split second later two massive paws impacted were I had just sat! This time I decided that I most certainly wasn’t going to let other me try and fight that thing. Even if I could barely make out a large figure, I really didn’t want to get used as a chew toy. And so I did the only sensible thing, I ran away as fast as I could.

Or I would have if I had not gravely overestimated my own speed! I had managed to run about another five to six meters from my initial dodge before I was already pressed against the forest floor by… surprisingly soft paws? The heck was going on? I had thought it to be all over but instead, I was still breathing and very much alive. I tried wiggling around to see what was going on and managed to turn my head around just in time to get something wet and rough into my face! Oh no! This wasn’t happening, okay yeah it totally was. Whatever creature had taken a liking to me was currently licking my face and I really didn’t like it!

Not only was that tongue really wet it was also so rough that it was kinda painful. I honestly would have liked to protest this treatment, but not only was I trapped by the weight, but I was also quite possibly far too scared to move! And whenever I tried to protest vocally I just got a soft growl back in response. How was I ever going to get across that I was neither food nor toy? At least I got a good look at my assailant when a single big paw managed to flip me around. Of all the things I had imagined when crawling out of that tomb this morning getting played with by an overly large green cat was certainly not on the list!

Another thing I really hadn’t expected was for previously motioned cat to purr while looking at me and then picking me up by the collar of my dress! Now, I was certainly happy about the fact that my tormentor had decided not to eat me. What I wasn’t happy about was the small fact that I was just being carried off by a large feline to who knows where! Also, there was the thing about being carried like a defenseless kitten that not only irked me but the other me too. And for once I gave her full freedom to thrash around as much as possible!

…

…

…

Huh. Okay, so I hadn’t expected Queenie to let me do as I please… and perhaps she had been somewhat in the right for keeping me contained. I maybe hadn’t chosen the smartest course of action! Admittedly I had been quite excited when I was told to go wild, sadly I hadn’t really thought about the response from big kitty cat here. Yeah, I did scratch her nose but that is in no way a reason to growl at me! And to make it worse after that the big cat just took my head into her stinky mouth! Now I had to clutch onto her jaws for dear life! Also, Queenie fainted and now I am all alone… this is kind of terrifying.

Finally, after what must have been eons, I got released from the stinky mouth. I was just about to take a deep breath of fresh air when I noticed the pungent smell of cat pee… maybe I could wait a little longer with breathing? While I was debating if Queenie would hate me for not breathing I spied something far more exciting; the big cat had little cats! There were four of them… well, three and a half. The last one was really scrawny and just like I, it didn’t breathe, perhaps it hated the stink of cat pee too?

“Hey! Mama cat! Can I pat your babies?”

Did a cat just roll its eyes at me? Queenie would be furious if she knew! I’ll make sure to tell her, hehe~. I was still trying to come up with the best moment to make Queenie freak out when something landed before me with a soft thump. I was actually kind of confused; did mama cat just throw her child at me? And it even was the scrawny one that didn’t breathe. Looking at her for some kind of explanation didn’t help very much so I just poked the kitten. And lo and behold a monster core in its chest! … Oh. Now I get what she wants me to do!

“Why didn’t you say so Mama Cat? Of course, I’ll take its place!” Happy that I was gifted such a great opportunity I took a sharp stone and cut out the core. ‘I do hope Queenie likes cats. Well, no matter, down the hatch!’