“Champion of what, again?” I said. “My pond?”

“No, not your pond.” The bird shook its head. “Champion of Earth. All of Earth.”

I stared at the thing for the longest time, not quite sure what to make of it. I pursed my bill, nodded, and tried to play it cool. It was always best to play it cool around the hens at the pond. They liked that. But then my curiosity got the better of me. “Uh, what the cluck is Earth?”

The giant chicken blinked at me with all three eyelids. “You know? Earth? The planet you live on?”

“Planet? I don’t know what kind of rotten fish you’ve been eating, guy—are you even a guy? You have a beard, so I’m assuming you’re a rooster.”

“Yes, I am a male. A rooster, using Earth terms. My name is—”

“I’ll take it from here Captain Silkie.” A new chicken man stepped into the room, wearing a plain black suit of clothes. The comb on top of his head was slicked back, giving the impression he had just gone for a dive in a pond. He smiled. “My name is Sector Administrator Brahma. I’m in charge of the repossession of Earth. Understand?”

“There’s that word again. Earth. I don’t know what this Earth is, Sector Administrator Brahma. I know about ponds, though. I was born on a pond. I fly to another pond when it gets cold, and then I fly back to the first pond. Unless you’re telling me the name of one of those ponds is Earth, then no. I have no idea what the hell you’re talking about… dumbass.”

The chicken man frowned. “Interesting. Give me a moment, please.”

He spent several minutes flipping through the screens on his shiny flat thing, his beak clenching tighter and tighter as he dived into whatever mystery he had in front of him. Eventually, he groaned, then threw the shiny flat thing into the air as he hung his head, and squawked. “Leghorn!”

“Problem, dumbass?” I said.

He gave me his best chicken smile, and pointed at a cushy thing at the far end of the room. “Please take a seat… Mr. Merganser. This will only take a moment.”

I shrugged. “Whatever, dumbass.”

Several minutes later another chicken man came into the room, this one dressed exactly like one called Silkie, just with way less shiny things hanging from his breast. The way his eyes wandered in different directions gave me the impression that maybe his mother hadn’t sat on his egg for long enough. He must be Leghorn, I decided.

“Yes, Administrator?” Leghorn said.

“Cadet,” Administrator Brahma said. “Is this the Earthling I asked you to bring me?”

He nodded. “Yes, sir. Sure is.”

“I see. And do you take this opportunity with the Collective seriously, Cadet Leghorn?”

“Yes, sir!”

Brahma brushed what looked like chicken feed off the front of Leghorn’s uniform. “You know I only accepted you for this position because your father fought with me during my Trials, correct?”

Leghorn nodded, but something about the mention of his father caused him to fidget like there was a farmer with an axe outside the coop. “Uh, yes. Yes, sir!”

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“Good. You know I would have gladly given my life in place of your father’s if I could. He was an impressive addition to the Collective. One of the best cockfighters I had ever seen.” He let out a sharp bawk. “And your father also had an exquisite attention to detail, which, sadly, it appears you lack.”

Leghorn eyes began to spin even worse than they had before. “Um, what do you mean, sir?”

Brahma motioned. “Come with me, Cadet.”

“Uh, okay.”

He grabbed Leghorn by the arm and walked him over to where I was sitting. I looked up at the two chicken men towering over me and got an uneasy feeling. Something bad was about to happen and I was really starting to miss my pond.

“You were supposed to bring up the greatest gladiator alive on Earth, were you not?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Do you… happen to remember his name?”

“Yes, sir!” Leghorn saluted. “His name is Russell Crowe, sir!”

Brahma placed his hand on the cadet’s shoulder, then pointed to me. “Tell me, Leghorn. Does this look like a crow to you?”

Leghorn shrugged. “Uh, I dunno. I don’t know about all of Earth’s birds, but my AI gave him the highest score on the planet. So he’s definitely an avian, sir! Not that it matters, I know what you—”

“What, Cadet? You know what I... what?”

Leghorn stirred. “You want to make sure the Earthlings, um, lose, sir. So you can—"

“Cadet Leghorn,” Brahma said with a glance towards Captain Silkie. “I would never disrespect the spirit of the Trials by placing the Earthlings at a disadvantage for my own personal gain. And even if I did, I would never speak of it out loud on a Collective vessel, you moron!”

“Sorry, sir. I thought—”

“You thought wrong, Cadet. I gave you one simple task! To bring me a specific, easily identifiable Earthling and you brought me a duck. A clucking common pond duck!”

“I ain’t no common pond duck!” I honked and puffed my chest out. “I’m a red-breasted merganser, dumbass!”

Brahma ignored my comment, then grabbed Leghorn with his wings and forced him to face me.

“Oh, shit.” Leghorn tried to pull away, but Brahma gripped his arms so tight the younger chicken man let out a squeal of pain.

“And I hate to be the one to tell you this, you idiot!” He threw the younger avian on the floor. “But Russell Crowe is a human! He isn’t even a clucking bird! Do you have any idea what will happen if the Collective finds out I took an Earthling that can’t even understand the Trials as its champion?!” He pointed at me again. “It will invalidate the whole repossession! And that’s not even mentioning the fact that the stupid duck only gained sentience five minutes ago! He made up his own clucking name, for cluck’s sake!”

Leghorn tried to scramble away, but Brahma placed a clawed foot on his chest.

“Please, sir. It was an accident! I didn’t mean to mess up aga—”

“That’s what you say every time, Leghorn. Every clucking time.”

They went on like this for a couple of minutes, arguing back and forth about this mess up and that mess up, and frankly about a bunch of other stuff that didn’t even register with my duck brain. I just sat there and watched the show. It was kind of like watching humans trying to catch my fish as they drank from those silver things until they got so mad at each other they rode their boat away and left my pond.

“Please, Brahma,” said Leghorn. “You practically raised me. You’re like a father to me.”

Brahma softened and took some pressure off his foot. “I suppose I am, to an extent. Tell me... son. Does anybody else know about this?”

He shook his head. “No, not a soul. I did it in the middle of the night, like you said. So everyone else on the ship other than me, you, and Captain Silkie is asleep in the coop.”

“Good, then the waste will be minimal. You were always a sorry excuse for a Gallus anyway,” snapped Administrator Brahma, then he pinned the cadet against the ground with his foot and raked his spur across the bird’s throat. A jet of red blood shot out and splattered against the deck. Leghorn let out one last gurgling bawk and went still.

“Is this... going to be a problem?” the administrator asked Captain Silkie.

“I’m not sure what you’re talking about, sir. Cadet Leghorn just had an unfortunate accident in the training room. Seems his blade training never took.”

“You, Captain Silkie, are not a waste of a Gallus. The Collective appreciates your discretion and you will be rewarded for it.”

"Thank you, sir."

I tried to swallow my fear away, but it was no use. My voice quavered as I said, "Are you going to kill me too, dumbass?"

Brahma turned to look at me with his spur raised in the air. Cold murderous intent spewed from his eyes. “Now, what to do with you…”