I awake to a new day. 

Depression sets in immediately. I often find myself depressed when I am not distracted by one thing or another. 

Work, Books, Television, Games, The Internet, Porn... All just distractions...

I head to the Bathroom to get ready for my day and gaze into the mirror. 

Seeing again the reason for my depression.

I am overweight, despite the daily exercise and dieting... I can never seem to keep the weight off. What should take days of effort takes weeks, and it is all for naught with but a single missed step. A single day off from the gym, a single moment off the diet... Exhausting.

I am hairy, but I hate being hairy. Ironic since I am going bald, but I Love long hair...

I am Broad and Bulky, Thick wrists, wide shoulders, chest, and hips... Unfortunate since I like small thin/skinny people.

My face is round when I like angular. My eyesight is failing. To top it all off I was born with bad blood. I and the rest of my sibling have various problems. Bypolarism, heart issues, cancer. We each have recurring herpes. But not the genital kind...

Honestly, only things I like about myself are my sexuality (am gay), and my imagination.

Basically, sucks to be me...

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I go through the motions. The day to day. 

Take a shower. Make breakfast. Get harassed about making breakfast since I am clearly not in need of food. Point out that it is part of the diet, eat less, more often... 

This story has been stolen from Royal Road. If you read it on Amazon, please report it

Get ready, go to work, deal with co-workers who are all always afraid of losing their job, while at the same time willing to blame someone else for their mistakes at the drop of a hat.

Finish work for the day. Thankfully.

Head home, feeling exhausted mentally, if not physically. Then prepare dinner, reiterate again that dieting is eating less, more often, and healthier... 

Lie down, even though it is not late. Close eyes, trying to just forget everything...

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Forget the day...

Forget the hassles...

Forget how uncomfortable you feel in your own body...

Forget all that makes you depressed...

Forget the sounds of bugs outside and the neighbors' music...

Forget the feeling of the closed eyes and steady breathing...

Forget that you want to forget everything...

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I am surrounded by darkness. Emptiness. Void.

I do not know if I can see on for forever, or if there is nothing there at all...

Strange... It is not cold. It is not uncomfortable. It is warm.

It feels like I am lying the perfect distance from a fire wrapped in the perfect blanket. 

Is this peace?

Is this love?

I look for the source all around me. Then, with a strange realization, I look down. I look within.

I see it. It is small... but it is so big. It is everything. I can think of nothing else to describe it. 

It is me... I am it... I can see that I am everything. I see myself, as the father, the mother, the son, the chair, and the stone. I am all...

I try to reach out, to connect, to... something.

Then, with a moment of true clarity, I remember.

In that moment of conscious thought. I remember and am again breathing, lying on my bed. It is as though it was a dream, but not a dream. 

The thought, the consciousness needed to understand what I had seen... had instantly reinforced the illusion of reality upon myself. As though the effort of trying to understand was itself part of the illusion. In grabbing onto it, it grabbed onto me... 

Was that a dream? Illusion?

Or am I dreaming now? is this the illusion?

Perhaps... they are both illusions? delusions? 

Maybe... I do not know. But for a moment. I was not depressed... I was content. Loved. Does it matter if it was real?

Oh well... for now... I'll just go back to sleep. dreaming of what I wish life were like.