Chen Feiyan V
the Monastery, Heguri Empire
Secrets
Winds swept through the enclosed courtyard. Brilliant orange and red leaves danced through the air. The ancient monastery’s maple trees creaked and buckled in the wind. Chen Feiyan loved the color of the old maples in autumn, but her focus at the moment was on Mushroom. Fei and Mushroom stood twenty meters apart. The young priest waited for Fei in her customary defensive stance. Somewhere out of sight, Fei knew Badger watched.
I know you’re going to laugh if I don’t land a blow this time.
Fei ran at Mushroom, who remained motionless on the other side of the small courtyard. She felt the hard stone on the soles of her sore bare feet but ignored the pain. The collision was violent. Fei unleashed the attack pattern Badger taught her, but Mushroom blocked every blow. She moved quickly yet effortlessly like the wind that carried the leaves past the sparring partners. At the end of the combination, Fei began to prepare for the counter, but before she could raise her arms, Mushroom’s blow broke her defenses and sent her flying backward and onto the hard stone.
Fei lay there for a moment listening to the laughter from Mushroom and Badger and smiled. Her feet ached, and bruises covered her body. Her nose was still slightly bleeding from a blow earlier in the sparring session. But today, she improved. She landed twice the amount of blows on Mushroom as she had the day before and three times the amount as the day before that. She was learning.
“That was sloppy,” Mushroom said, walking over to give Fei a helping hand.
Mushroom’s grip was firm, and she pulled Fei up to her feet. Her face was warm. Her indifference towards Fei was receding.
“I know,” Fei grasped Mushroom’s hand with her calloused palm, “But you know what’s coming, it’s not fair. If you didn’t know what I was going to do—”
“Learn some new combinations,” Mushroom shrugged, “You have no one to blame but yourself.”
“Tell her to teach me some more,” Fei nodded at Badger, who was striding over to them, “If she let me out of the kitchens, I might have a few new ones.”
“Oh, so it’s my fault you’re a slow learner,” Badger’s voice boomed across the courtyard.
Fei’s eyes widened, “Slow!”
Mushroom laughed, and the Badger continued, “That’s what I said, isn’t it, little Moth? We’re done today. Look at those feet. Nasty little bruised things. And Mushroom barely had to work on that last attack.”
“That is true,” Mushroom replied as she crossed her arms and cocked her head to the side. Her light blue priest silks tugged at her in the wind.
You are such a little bird.
Once Mushroom’s obnoxious mannerisms would have bothered Fei, but she was used to them now.
Fei stretched her arms up above her head and cracked her neck, “Badger, I should be out here sparring and learning the arts, not cooking rice.”
Badger let out a sigh, “You should do as I tell you; there’s more to this monastery than defending it. We need to learn it all. We have all the time in the world.”
Fei rolled her eyes and gestured over the walls of the inner courtyard into the central courtyard, “Do we need to know how to cook? Isn’t that what they’re for?”
“We’re the continuity between the priests and the workers, little Moth. We need to know how to do everything.”
“But you can teach me the arts now; I’ll learn the other stuff in a few years.”
Fei was pleading now.
Mushroom laughed, “The cooking has been pretty awful the past few weeks; maybe she really shouldn’t be in the kitchen, Badger. Think of our stomachs.”
“Go away, we’re done tonight, Mushroom,” Fei glared at her sparring partner.
“My pleasure,” Mushroom threw up her hands and went on her way.
Fei watched as Mushroom ran swiftly across the courtyard and up onto the ramparts, which would bring her back down to the central courtyard. As she ran, she let her hair fall. Even after two hours of sparring, it still fell perfectly. It even shined in the night.
It’s almost like she’s taunting me even now. How am I going to compete with this woman?
In truth, Fei and Mushroom were getting along much better. Fei grew strong and sensed that Mushroom respected her for it. The more Fei learned, the more she didn’t care for her other responsibilities. She started to understand why Mushroom might look down on the workers; why she might have looked down on her at one point.
“I make the rice fine, by the way, Beetle says so,” Fei turned to Badger, suddenly feeling slightly competitive with Mushroom.
Badger’s laugh was booming and warm, “Don’t you only wash it?”
Fei smiled and looked away, knowing Badget caught her in one of her small lies.
There had been another two attacks that Fei knew of since the night she spent outside the walls. She only knew of the two because Badger told her about them against Spider’s wishes. According to Badger, Spider did not feel Fei needed to know about the demons until she was ready to take night shifts on the ramparts and face them herself. Spider estimated that might not be for another five years if she learned quickly. But Badger bent the rules here and there. She taught Fei attack and counter combinations ahead of schedule and kept her informed about the goings-on outside the wall. Badger thought it might only take two or three years of hard work for Fei to learn what she needed to know.
With those shadows outside the wall, the monastery needs as many fighters as possible. I have so many years to learn the other responsibilities. Training should be the priority, then cooking and cleaning.
In both instances, the creature came from the farm fields, and the priests dispatched with them quickly. Apparently, neither of these points was irregular. Fei desperately wanted to see another demon. The first night she was so afraid she barely remembered what it looked like other than the red eyes. All Fei had to show from it was a pair of soiled pants from wetting herself out of fear. She remembered the creature having a shifting form in the dark, which seemed too hard to believe in retrospect.
“Take me with you on your next shift,” Fei pleaded with Badger.
Badger let out a cracking laugh, “That won’t be happening.”
“Please, Badger, Spider sits in the tower all day. She won’t even know.”
“I don’t care about that.”
Fei tried a different tactic, “Yes, you do; you’re scared of disobeying her.”
“Trust me; I don’t care about that. You’re not ready. When you’re ready, you can join me whether Spider likes it or not.”
“You’re scared.”
“Quiet.”
The following morning Chen Feiyan woke up early and meditated. Her meditation was improving. She was quieting her mind faster but had yet to feel the positive benefits Badger insisted existed.
Trust her; she’s making you do this for a reason.
As much as Fei wanted to learn faster than they were going, she was finding it easier to trust Badger. Fei was of two minds. The more she understood Badger’s responsibilities at the monastery, the more she respected her. Fei noticed the group heads would go to Badger for advice. Even Rat, who Fei noticed everyone listened to in the fields, counseled with Badger. Spider called on Badger more often than any of the priests, and even the lowliest worker went to Badger as a sounding board for whatever was on their mind. Fei was proud to be her protege.
In my head again; thinking about Badger instead of emptying my mind.
After meditation, Fei ran to the baths for a quick rinse. She did not bathe after the previous night’s sparring session, and the sweat and dried blood still caked her skin. It was firmly autumn now, and the monastery high up on the mountain was beginning to get very cold. In the summer, the monastery used cool water for bathing, but once the weather turned, the workers rerouted some of the nearby hot spring water down the mountain and into the bathhouse. The smell of the spring water was foul, like rotten eggs, and foreign to Fei.
“Perhaps the spring water is why you always smell so bad, Badger?”
Badger had laughed. Fei loved her booming laugh. She liked that she could make her laugh.
But the feeling of the hot spring water was wonderful. Fei saved her baths for moments when she had time to sit for a long while and relax. Her mind would wander, and her skin would soften in hot water. This morning, Fei did not have time for a long bath, so she moved quickly and dried off before rushing to the kitchens.
When she reached the kitchens, Beetle gave Fei the task of washing the rice; she expected this. Unlike the hot water in the bathhouse, the kitchens used cold water to wash food. Fei’s hands often grew numb quickly in the cold pot, stirring the rice to clean it. The cold hurt, but Fei did not mind.
This will only make your hands stronger for sparring in the cold tonight.
The group head for the kitchens was a short but wide and dense woman named Beetle. Beetle often joked about her age but never told anyone truly how old she was. Some of her hair was still black, but there were thick gray streaks throughout it. Her hips were wide, and she shuffled slowly around the kitchen with an unmissable limp. Beetle could not stay on her feet for long and dragged around a small wooden stool wherever she went. She was loud, warm, obnoxious, and proud of her work in the kitchens feeding over one hundred people daily. Fei hated working in the kitchens but enjoyed Beetle. Although Heguri, not Daming, Beetle reminded her of the older women that sold produce in the market back home in Loghua.
I wonder if I’ll ever make it back home.
After washing the rice, Fei watched some of the other workers cook it in large batches. The kitchens used massive circular bamboo steamers to cook enough rice for the entire population of the monastery. The food was a staple and served almost daily. Beetle’s assignment for all newcomers in the kitchen was to learn how to cook the rice from start to finish. Fei’s last responsibility in the fields before rotating into the kitchens was harvesting the rice stalks. She learned how to use the scythe to cut stalks of rice and bundle them together to deliver to the kitchens for packing and storage. Now she could clean it. The last step would be steaming it. Fei remembered how much she had already learned and how thankful she was for Badger and the monastery. The monastery gave her a second chance at life, a life with a much higher ceiling.
Fei watched the other women open the steamers and begin to stir the hot fluffy rice. Steam rose and filled the room. She watched the women’s toned shoulders and arms. They were beautiful when they worked. She remembered how her body would ache after days harvesting rice.
That wasn’t so bad.
The rest of the early morning Fei spent preparing the tea kettles and tea leaves to steep and serve for the morning rush. Tea was the cart she was assigned to work. As the field workers and animal husbandry would fill the long hall, Fei wheeled around her cart, offering cups or refills of the hot tea to all the cold workers. It was a popular cart at this time of year and was a good way for Fei to get to know some of the other workers and practice her Heguri. Fei lingered when pouring tea for Hare and Frog. She rarely had time to speak with them as she did not work the fields with them anymore, and she worked through meals. After dinner, she would hurry through her share of food and run off to sparring. There simply no time to catch up with the women who had been her closest friends outside of Badger at the monastery.
Fei increasingly looked forward to training. Mushroom was a fierce opponent who only made her stronger. She never gave Fei an edge, and Fei knew she would earn it if she ever beat Mushroom. During the night’s sparring session, Fei made more progress. Badger and Fei went over another combination before the bout. Fei was able to land more blows on Mushroom than ever before. Fei even caught her on the jaw with a right-handed blow. As usual, Mushroom didn’t wince, retreat, or complain. She simply rubbed her jaw, grinned, and attacked Fei twice as hard during the next round.
After sparring, Fei decided to take another hot bath in the spring water. It was a frigid autumn night, and she wanted the stinging sensation on her skin of the hot water when she entered the bath. Her bones felt cold. She needed warmth from the soaking tub. Fei knew she should get some rest, but tonight she let herself relax in the scalding water. Her mind wandered in the empty, dark, steam-filled room. In her mind, Badger had her hands on her shoulders, massaging them after hard work in the fields. She wandered further and thought of the women’s arms, stirring the rice in the kitchens, and then to the Badger’s muscular frame. Even further, her mind wandered, and she was back in the tower with Badger, walking through the narrow hallway. They walked down the lit staircase and into the room below. She thought of the lights dancing in the air and the stone room with the tablet. She thought of the unreadable language. She thought of the staircase that descended further into the mountain.
Fei thought about what Badger said that night.
“Over the years, priests have found small fragments of the language that revealed themselves. Seven instructions were memorized and captured in stone tablets like the tables that lie here in this mountain.”
What does it mean?
If she could just figure out how to read the tablets, she could steal away into the tower at night, just like the library at Guo Xue’s estate. There were only four watchers on the ramparts each night, and the courtyard was large and dark. She could easily sneak by in the shadows along the walls and enter the tower. She had plenty of practice stealing away at night on grounds like this. Fei did it when she was young with Meifang to watch the stars, she did it at Guo Xue’s estate to find the map that led her to the monastery, and she could do it again now. If all she needed to learn the magic was on the stone tablets, she didn’t necessarily need the training Badger was giving her. It would still be helpful, of course. And she didn’t want to let Badger down. But Fei wondered how necessary it all was if the stone tablets held the secrets to whatever magic Badger and the priests knew.
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Badger said there were seven instructions. Seven levels to the tower. I wonder how many I need before I can fight a demon. I wonder why I can’t just learn them all in one go.
Fei’s mind wandered further back, back to Loghua. She remembered how her father told her she would not work in the family business. Fei had asked if she would follow her brothers Chen Su and Chen Lan into the fisheries.
“That’s the way it’s always been. The men work, the women take care of the family and the home. It’s worked for our people for hundreds of years, Fei. Maybe thousands. One day you’ll run your own home. You’ll invite your mother and me over for dinner with your family, and you’ll cook for us.”
That’s the way we’ve always done it. There’s never a real reason when people say that. Father, Badger, they say they care about me, and yet they restrain my growth. I want to fly.
She flicked the hot water and let out a deep exhale. Fei wondered what her brothers were doing tonight. She thought about Meifang.
Is the sky clear in Loghua? Does she tell stories with someone now that I’m gone?
Fei heard a creak of the door, and suddenly her mind was present again, back in the bathhouse. Fei watched as a small figure scampered over to the baths in the dark. The figure tied up her long hair as she began to run a bath on the other side of the room.
I know that gate.
Fei sat up in the bath and whispered across the dark steam-filled room, “Mushroom?”
The figure froze and looked over. It slowly walked towards Fei’s bath, emerging out of the shadows, “Moth? I didn’t see anyone. Am I disturbing you?”
“If I said yes, would it stop you?”
Mushroom shrugged, “Suppose not.”
Fei wanted to smile just as much as she wanted to hit Mushroom in the jaw again. Her grin was equal parts charming and aggravating. Mushroom drained the bath she had started and ran over to the bath closest to Fei. She undressed out of her priest silks and quickly lowered herself into the hot bath. She faced the opposite direction as Fei so they could see each other as they talked.
“It’s freezing; winter is coming too early. What are you doing in the bathhouse this late?”
“Clearing my mind. I’m supposed to use meditation, but it doesn’t help. The hot water does.”
“I agree,” Mushroom said, “I can never get it to work. Spider and the older priests swear by it. I must be doing something wrong.”
“Maybe it takes a long time to learn.”
“Maybe,” Mushroom shrugged, “If it comes to me, it comes. Otherwise, I don’t mind. Don’t assume the priests know everything.”
“You don’t need it?”
“Should I? I feel like I’m doing alright without it.”
“Badger says it’s important.”
“So does Spider,” Mushroom grinned and shrugged, “I try to focus on the things that are important, the things I know I’ll need outside the wall the first time I face one of those things.”
The women sat in silence for a moment. Fei watched Mushroom lower her hair into the bath to clean it. The steam partially obscured Mushroom even in the light of the small oil lamps, and Fei wondered if her bath gave a similar image.
“Are you scared of them?” Fei wondered allowed.
“No.”
“Why not?”
“No one dies; it looks easy. You saw Badger that night. If it were dangerous, someone would die every once in a while.”
Fei nodded and speculated on the point. She did not match Mushroom’s confidence, but that was not irregular. And yet, Fei wasn’t scared. She wasn’t sure why.
Mushroom continued, “You’re more dangerous than one of those things. You caught me on the jaw today, remember? You hadn’t touched my face since your cheap shot on the first night.”
Fei smiled; she had been proud of that.
“Sorry about that.”
“Don’t worry; I respect you for it. How does anyone improve if they’re afraid of hurting their sparring partner? Don’t say sorry. It was a clean stroke.”
“You’re right. Thank you.”
They sat in silence for a moment more. Fei watched Mushroom as she cleaned her hair in the hot water.
“Did you ever work with Badger before we started sparring,” Fei asked.
Mushroom nodded, “Everyone does. Badger trains us all to start to make sure we know the fundamentals of the arts. Some of us come in with plenty of knowledge already, including myself. In those cases, training with her is quite short.”
Fei felt slightly competitive again. She had assumed Badger worked with Mushroom previously, but hearing it aloud and hearing that Mushroom hadn’t needed much training frustrated her. In Fei’s mind, her relationship with Badger was different from Badger’s relationship with the others. It was more than Badger’s other relationships.
But is it? And why do you even care so much?
“What did you think of working with her?”
Mushroom moved on from her hair and was scrubbing the grime from the day off her legs, “How so?”
“I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like we’re moving slow.”
“I understand that. I don’t think that’s just Badger, though. It’s Spider and the rest of them. They’re all slow. That’s the older generation for you. Respecting your elders is overrated.”
Fei laughed.
“I see. How long did it take you to read the first tablet?”
Mushroom stopped scrubbing her legs and leaned towards Fei through the steam, “You know about the tablets?”
Fei nodded and wondered if she should not have said that.
“How do you know about them?” Mushroom’s eyes widened, “Oh, I see... you and Badger.”
“What do you mean?”
“Badger has a soft spot for you. You’re her little steamed tofu,” Fei could see Mushroom’s grin again through the steam, “Nothing to be ashamed of; use it to your advantage.”
Soft spot?
“What do you mean?”
“I mean to use it. If you want something from Badger...” Mushroom cocked her head to the side, “Badger, she… Come on, you know. You must know.”
“I’m not sure I do.”
Mushroom rolled her eyes and leaned back towards Fei, “Before you came here, were you ever with a man?”
Fei sat silently in the bath. She didn’t know whether or not to respond. Of course, Fei had been, but it was Guo Xue, and she found the experience grotesque. Her mother told her when she was young about men and women and how they share their bodies in love, but Fei did not understand it. Perhaps it was just Guo Xue, but the idea always revolted her. Zhong Bai and Duan He were never as disturbed about it. Duan He even seemed to enjoy Guo Xue’s visits.
Mushroom went on, “Never? Well, when you were younger, did you have boys your age you were attracted to?”
Fei thought back to Loghua and answered in earnest, “No, not really.”
Mushroom shrugged, “Alright. Well, I have been with men. That’s why I’m here. I ran into trouble with the wrong lord’s son. I didn’t realize the trouble I got myself into until it was too late.”
“What kind of trouble?”
“The boy was rich, and I was not as rich. I was below his class. We lived at court in his castle, but my mother was only counsel to the lord. I could have ruined his marriage prospects.”
“A lord?”
“They rule the provinces in the Heguri Empire. They report to the Emperor at Tobe, but they have a lot of power.”
“I see. But, the boy, did you love him?”
Mushroom laughed, “No, sweet little Moth. I didn’t love the boy. I was attracted to him, though.”
Fei thought back across her youth and her time at the estate. She tried to think of a man that attracted her but could not. And yet, Mushroom was opening up to Fei. She thought she should do the same.
“I have been with a man,” Fei said quietly.
“You sound so excited to tell me,” Mushroom replied sarcastically.
“I did not love him.”
“Was it against your will?”
“He was above my class, and he wanted me. I was not in a position to say no. He owned many objects, myself included.”
“So you understand how men are,” Mushroom leaned in towards Fei and whispered, “Well, Badger can be that way too. She craves the same way men do.”
Fei slowly sat upright in her bath, “What?”
“Relax, it’s not as rare as you think.”
Fei processed the information as Mushroom went on, “I know. I would say I was surprised, but I always wondered about her. She’s so hands-on with the younger women. Anyways, I think she cares about you differently than she does the rest of us. That’s all. Like I said, use it to your advantage.”
Hands-on with the younger women?
Fei was angry now, “That’s because I’m her protege.”
Mushroom grinned at Fei and shook her head, “Badger’s a rule follower. She’s perfect. She never does anything against Spider’s wishers. And yet, with you, I mean, you are not supposed to know about the tablets for one. And you’re learning the combinations at quite a quick rate. I know you feel like you’re moving slow, but for a novice? No. She’s teaching you quite a bit.”
Mushroom let the statement linger in the air with the steam from the baths. The silence was awkward, and Fei’s mind was suddenly muddled.
Fei wondered how she knew all of this. She was feeling competitive again.
“How do you know for sure? How did you find out that she has, that she...”
Fei could see Mushroom grinning at her through the steam rising out of the tubs. The rotten egg stench from hot spring water was thick. Fei wasn’t enjoying her bath anymore. Her mind wasn’t clear.
“How did I find out for sure? One day I’ll tell you, little Moth...”
Are you gloating?
Fei felt anger building. She wanted to hit Mushroom in the jaw again, but it was no use. There was no reason for her to be angry with Mushroom. Mushroom shared some of her past with Fei, something seldom done at the monastery. Fei thought back on her time with Badger, Hare, Frog, and the other workers. Fei didn’t remember any of the others opening up to her like that.
This is all silly. Steer this back on topic. Why do you even care? You don’t care. You don’t care at all.
“Fine. It doesn’t matter. How did you read it?”
“The tablet?”
Fei nodded.
“That... that is not mine to tell you.”
“Mushroom!”
“I have my own set of rules to follow.”
“You break the rules!”
“Do I?”
“I’m sure of it.”
Mushroom shrugged.
Fei wouldn’t get anything out of this conversation. She stood up and grabbed her towel to dry off.
“I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Fei couldn’t see Mushroom clearly through the steam, but she imagined she was happy with herself. She stood near the bath as she dried off to stay in the steam’s heat. Fei changed back into her brown wool pants and the wrap wool top. Fei had a short jacket to wear over the top for the autumn and upcoming winter, and she wore that too. Fei gathered the rest of her things and walked to the door that led out into the courtyard. She opened it slowly, and it creaked. Fei looked back into the dark bathhouse. The steam from the baths hid Mushroom out of sight. Small oil lamps let off muffled light in the dark. Cold air blew past the doorway, and Fei heard the thick branches of the maple trees rustle as they swayed in the wind. Up high in the mountains, the wind had a way of doing that to the trees. It moved the branches around like a puppeteer moves its subjects.
Don’t ruin what you have going with Mushroom now. She’s a friend. She might help you move faster.
Fei walked back out into the courtyard and closed the thick door behind her. The night was dark, and the wind swept across the courtyard in large gusts, stinging Fei’s skin. She let the cold envelop her and began to walk back towards her quarters. She thought back to what Mushroom said.
“I think she cares about you differently than she does the rest of us. Use it to your advantage.”
Is she breaking the rules for me?
Fei stopped in the middle of the empty monastery courtyard. There was no one around. She could see the faint outlines of the four priests prowling the ramparts in the dark, looking for shadows on the other side of the wall. There were small, lit oil lanterns, and light emanated from a few windows from whatever was going on inside. Fei looked towards her quarters, but now she wasn’t so sure she was heading there. Her feelings towards her training, the tablets, and Badger felt unresolved. She looked back over her shoulder. Badger’s residence lay on the opposite side of the courtyard. She turned around and started that way.
Fei knocked on the door. Like the other monastery doors, it was thick pine built from the twisted pines that covered the mountainside. The thick pine insulated the doors from the cold air and served as sturdy doors. Fei looked down at her fingers. Her palms were calloused, and the sparring tore at her knuckles. Her skin was darker than when she arrived. She could see spots of blood from minor cuts. They stung in the wind and the cold. Fei wondered if Guo Xue would still covet her if he found her now that she was tanned and her skin had begun to weather. The idea revolted her.
The door opened, and Fei looked up to see Badger standing in the door frame with a small copper lantern. Her face looked tired and slightly confused.
Badger rubbed her eyes with the hand not holding the lantern, “Little Moth? What are you doing here?”
“I’m sorry.”
“What? It’s late.”
Fei stood in the cold for a moment, looking off to the side, “Can I come inside? It’s cold.”
“Oh, yes... Come in, come in,” Badger moved out of the way and beckoned her into the warm room.
Fei entered Badger’s residence. She had never been inside before. There was a small wood furnace on the far side of the room. The burned wood gave off a glow from whatever fire had been burning earlier in the night. Fei noticed a bowl of water with steam rising from it. It smelled of rotten eggs.
“Is that hot spring water?”
Badger nodded, “One of the benefits of my position. I have some of the spring water rerouted in my room during the cold seasons.”
“So you do smell like eggs,” Fei said quietly.
Badger smiled.
Fei walked over to the bowl and dipped her cold, calloused hands into it. The heat stung her hands. She turned to face Badger now. Badger was standing at the doorway, leaning against the frame. Fei wasn’t sure where to start.
“How long did Mushroom train with you before you let her read the tablet?”
“Mushroom?”
Fei nodded at Badger.
“I don’t understand; what is this about?”
“Are you making me wait longer than Mushroom had to wait? To read the tablet.”
Badger shook her head, “Moth, I don’t decide when it is right to read the tablets. That’s Spider’s decision. I shouldn’t have even shown it to you in the first place.”
Fei felt silly. She stood in place for a moment, not meeting Badger’s gaze.
“What is this about?” Badger asked earnestly.
Badger walked across the room and put her hands on Fei’s shoulders.
“Little Moth, look at me. Why, what do you want?”
Fei looked up at Badger, “I want to read the tablet.”
Badger shook her head, “I know you do. You’ve been incessant about it. I even asked Spider to give you an exception to read it early because you’re my protege. I hoped it would settle you down, but she forbade it. She was angry with me.”
“You asked Spider?”
“Yes.”
“When?”
“Over a week ago.”
“Why didn’t you tell me.”
“I don’t have to tell you anything,” Badger said sternly this time, “I risk a lot for you. There are things you don’t know about that I do for you. I hear you. I know you want to move faster, little Moth. I’m doing everything I can. But think about me for a moment. Think about what I risk for you. I need this life.”
Fei broke away from Badger’s grasp, “I didn’t ask for that. I didn’t ask you to risk anything for me. I’m just your protege. I’m just a protege.”
Badger reached to hold Fei again, but she stepped back further, “Every time you complain about what we’re learning, you are asking me to give you an advantage.”
They stood in silence for a moment, and Fei wanted to cry. She was confused. She was angry with Badger but wasn’t sure why. Part of Fei wanted Badger to hold her; part of her wanted to storm out of the room. Instead, Fei quietly walked back across the room to the door. Before she left, she turned around to look at Badger. Badger held a firm gaze at Fei and said nothing. It was a heavy gaze. Fei wanted Badger to ask her to stay, but she said nothing. The room was quiet.
Defiantly Fei reached for something to push Badger away, “Do you know why I’m here, at the monastery? I ran away from a man that gave me attention I did not want. Attention that I never asked for from him. I don’t think I’ve asked for any special attention from you. Treat me like you would any other.”
Badger’s heavy gaze faltered, and Fei could see the hurt in her dark eyes. She waited to see if Badger would say anything in return. Badger stood still. She was silent in the dark. Slowly Fei turned, left the room, and walked back across the cold courtyard to her quarters alone. Fei cried as she fell asleep.